Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer

We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week”. We have also said to each other, “I really need a date.”

Sometimes that means it has been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out.  In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners become mundane roommates.

Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified, and refreshes and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It both helps us accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it (pun intended!).

Richard’s experience: “Once we didn’t go on a date for a somewhat long period of time, and there was little reason for me to do anything extra – dress up, perform well at work, or even clean the house. I forgot to do the little things – bringing home a rose, making the bed, or giving her a goodnight kiss. I didn’t joke with her as much, and there wasn’t the same motivation to make her laugh. Obviously I still loved her, and I still did things for her, like rub her back at night to help her fall asleep, but my priorities did change. It was more about serious, ‘life’ stuff, than about our relationship.”

Dates can and must take many forms.

Variety is important. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your partner. For example, if the climate of your relationship has been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games. Our favorite though, is to hike or drive to the top of a mountain, eat dinner, watch the sun set, and talk about absolutely nothing relevant.

Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can do that. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You decide, but switch it up.

Balance spontaneous and planned dates.

The difference between the two is the level of commitment. A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” (In case you’re confused, grocery shopping is NOT a date. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a little date before or after.) The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone. A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance, and thinking more in an us mind set: we love this restaurant, and we have wanted to see this play for a while now. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.

Accommodate for differing interests when dating.

While most of the time, dates need to be activities that both parties enjoy, or at least do not detest, occasionally it is important to plan a date that is tailored to the needs of your significant other.

Aubrey-Dawn’s experience: “When I was still in college, I had one particularly stressful semester. My husband knew that I was stressed. I told him that I would be staying late to study. When I came home that evening, I found some of my clothes on the bed with instructions to put them on, which I did. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered that my husband had made dinner, set a beautiful table with a couple of roses, and written me a long, thoughtful note. We ate dinner together, and were able to spend some much needed ‘us’ time. This helped me relax and put my concerns aside, and I was more energized when I returned to my studies the next day. Richard was aware of my needs, and selflessly took the time to plan a date for me. It was simple and inexpensive, but it was what I needed.”

Usually tailoring dates to the needs of your significant other will be a pleasant experience for you as well, since dating is meant to improve the relationship. Remember though, that it is possible to date selfishly. Selfish daters only do activities they enjoy – for them, dating is not about the relationship or unity, but about the activity and their own pleasure. It is okay to have needs and preferences, but it is not realistic to expect dates to fill every need, and it is disrespectful to refuse to go on dates you do not enjoy. The occasional opera or UFC fight will not kill you. But your attitude might kill the date…if you let it.

Again, both spontaneous and planned dates can take many different attitudes: playful, sexy, active, relaxing, etc. And again, a date is not an errand or shop talk. A date is not about your to-do list. It is is about your relationship. The beauty is, we create our relationships. We get to decide. But that doesn’t matter, unless we  put ‘us’ first.

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.