Guest Writers, Love, Me, Power Couples

How to Not Let Past Relationships Affect New Ones

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Cover photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

Written by Camilla Rees of The Love Brain
Has your partner ever done something that reminded you of a bad experience from a past relationship? 
I can probably guess the rest of the story. You felt your nervous system kick in. You put your walls back up. Your partner got confused. You didn’t know how to talk about it. You both went to bed upset. 
I know this story too.
We all have emotional baggage, whether it’s from our parents or romantic relationships. Negative experiences in past relationships can really mess us up.
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Let’s list the ways, shall we?
    • Trusting is scary
    • Vulnerability is scary
    • Apologizing is hard
    • Forgiveness is hard
    • Feeling deserving of love is hard
    • Feeling lovable is hard
    • You project onto your partner, a lot
    • You compare yourself or your partner
    • You build walls
    • You teach yourself to expect the worst
    • You create unhealthy or unrealistic expectations for your partner
    • You don’t trust your own judgement
I know I’ve missed some. 
This is what we do when we have relationship baggage. We feel fragile, and we do unhealthy things to protect ourselves.  
Photo by Krists Luhaers on Unsplash
Relationship researchers have a consensus that most people with negative past relationship experiences fear that they will never feel close enough to their new partner while simultaneously fearing getting too close in the same relationship.
How interesting is it that what we desire most (emotional closeness) we also fear the most?
This fear comes from those negative relationship experiences. In my interpretation, the fear of vulnerability is born of a broken heart.
We create core issues from negative relationship experiences. Core issues can be fears, insecurities, unhealthy expectations, assumptions, trauma, unmet needs, or betrayed values. 
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we argued almost every day thanks to my fragile ego and his limited experience with healthy love. It took time for us to work through our core issues which, surprise surprise, had nothing to do with each other and everything to do with our own emotional baggage. All of our arguments were rooted in the fact that I had a laundry list of insecurities shaped by my past and my husband kept getting triggered by his relationship trauma.
So if you’re feeling fragile, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about what we can do with that heavy baggage you’re carrying.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

5 Tips to Not Let Past Relationships Affect New Ones

Realistically, unresolved wounds from past relationships just take time to heal. We can’t make them disappear at the snap of our fingers, but here’s how we can get started:

1. Acknowledge your contribution to failed relationships

Be curious about the past. There are two sides to every story. Recognize your past toxic behaviors. 
  • What behaviors of yours seem to be a pattern in your relationships?
  • What things did you do in your past relationships that you don’t want to repeat?
Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash

2. Recognize triggers

  • Become an observer. Objectively, was your partner’s behavior mean-spirited? 
  • What behavior or comment specifically started up your nervous system?  
  • How can you process this trigger in a healthier way?

3. Get to your core issues

  • Reflect on your trigger. Was it shaped from a past relationship?
  • Reflect on your pain. Why did it hurt so much? 
  • Reflect on your resentment. Which of your values did their/your behavior go against?
  • Reflect on your fear. What are you really afraid of?
  • Therapy is an awesome tool for this. Therapists can teach you the right questions to ask yourself and guide you down a path of self-awareness and self-reflection.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

4. Learn what a healthy relationship can look like

We consciously and subconsciously allow our past relationships to shape our expectations for new ones. We start accepting unhealthy behaviors or we start expecting perfection from ourselves and our partner. We can combat this by:
  • Regularly seeking out relationship education opportunities
    • Research shows that couples who learn healthy relationship expectations and skills are less likely to divorce and have higher marital satisfaction
  • Regularly challenge your expectations. Are they healthy? Are they realistic?
  • Ask yourself, “What kind of love do my partner and I deserve?”
Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

5. Communicate with your partner

  • Explain what’s going on for you 
  • Validate each other’s feelings
  • Explore your core issues together
  • Very important! Your partner should not be your replacement for a therapist. If you feel like you’re putting that pressure on your partner, see a therapist!
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

These tips can change the trajectory of your relationship. Here’s how:

A conversation without using one of the 5 tips
Your partner walks in the room and becomes “overly loving” with you, in your definition. They’re complimenting you, hugging and kissing you. Your first thought is, “What are they keeping from me?”. You suddenly feel sad, hurt, and even angry. You push your partner away and roll your eyes. 
They ask you what’s wrong. You don’t know what to say, you just feel overwhelmed. Instead you say “Is there something you want to tell me?”. They say, “No, why?”. You don’t believe them, and it’s downhill from there.
But here’s how it would go using tips 2 and 4:
Your partner walks in the room and tells you that you look amazing. They give you a hug and kiss. You think, “I feel like they’re keeping something from me”, but you don’t react to the thought. You smile and say thanks. 
They turn on the TV and you start thinking “Why did I get skeptical when my partner was being loving toward me? Have they given me a reason to mistrust them? No. Is there an experience from my past that has given me a reason to mistrust someone who shows me love? Yes, but I’m not in that relationship anymore. I’m safe. In healthy relationships, partners are loving toward each other. That was normal behavior. I’m safe.”
Photo by Ilie Micut-Istrate on Unsplash

You can do this!

I know, this makes it look easy. It’s not as simple when it’s you! Healthy partners challenge their beliefs and own up to their unhealthy behaviors.
But you can do this. You know how I know? You read this far, and that means you care. 
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, they’re just committed to creating healthy love, just like you. Challenge your beliefs, own up to your unhealthy behaviors, and confront those relationship wounds head on.
Related articles on The Love Brain blog:
3 Reasons Why We Self-Sabotage
FAQ about Finding the One
How to Let Go of the Past and Move on in Your Relationship
How to Overcome Insecurities in a Relationship
How to Communicate Better with Your Partner During Conflict
5 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship
This week, write in your journal when you react to a trigger. Write down what triggered you, how it made you feel, what past experience(s) may have formed this trigger, and brainstorm healthier ways you can respond next time it comes up.

References

American Psychological Association. (2004, October 8). Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/research/action/marital
Bernstein, J., Ph.D. (2017, June 9). Three Ways to Break Free of Your Past Relationship Baggage: Letting go of the past and moving on to a healthy relationship. Retrieved December 14, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201706/three-ways-break-free-your-past-relationship-baggage
Ickes, W. (1983). Influences of Past Relationships on Subsequent Ones. Basic Group Processes, 315-337. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4612-5578-9_13

 

 

Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
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Love, Me, Power Couples, Reaching Higher

The Paradox of Attachment

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Written by Dray Salcido
Buddhism defines attachment as the root of all suffering. And research shows that attachment is a common factor among individuals with symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentment, suicidal ideations, stress, and low self-esteem (Bates et al., 2018). Most of us aren’t fully conscious that our obsessions keep us stuck. Before I embraced mindfulness, I thought I’d always have a void. I believed life would persist in arbitrary, empty feelings. Our inability to feel satisfied, connected, and joyful comes from our conditioning to seek outside ourselves. Nonattachment means letting go of our “fixation to ideas, images, and sensory objects and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid or change” (Sahdra et al., 2010). So, in what ways are we creating our own suffering, and how can we practice a meaningful life of nonattachment?
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What We Try to Possess, Possesses Us – Our Attachment to Things

A common area of attachment is found with our rumination of things, or materialism. Thoughts like once I have that car, home, wardrobe…then I’ll feel wanted, respected or good about myself. Materialism increases our comparison to others, discontent with our physical appearance, public self-consciousness, and feelings of inadequacy and lack (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). So, why do we exhaust ourselves over having things if it doesn’t make us happy? Ironically, we attach our emotions to things outside us thinking it will ease our discomfort. Have you ever experienced a lonely night and found yourself online shopping? For a while, I attached my worth to my intellect, and thought the more books I owned the more secure I’d feel. We may experience momentary relief in our materialistic efforts, but we all know it doesn’t last. When we give things responsibility over our fulfillment, then we’ve also given up our power because our contentment is contingent upon having, rather than creating. Remember, it’s the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself, that creates unnecessary suffering. 

Attached vs. Connected – Our Attachments to People

Perhaps more than things, we experience many attachments in our relationships. These usually show up in the form of preconceived notions. Take the transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic and stable phase as an example. Couples express anxiety and disappointment as the relationship changes because they think they’re no longer in love. It’s the clinging to the euphoria of a relationship that actually keeps them from feeling happy (Bates et al., 2018). Whereas accepting what is opens them up to new ways of loving and evolving together. Is it comfortable? No. But, pining for the way it was will create resentment and limit our growth with our partners. 
Aren’t we supposed to seek connection? Absolutely! We’re hard-wired for it (Brown, 2012). But, being unattached doesn’t mean you don’t care. Paradoxically letting go frees you up to love without condition, which facilitates true connection. Let’s define the difference between attachment and connection, since this can be tricky to grasp. Both are rooted in the same desires: to love and be loved. Yet, how we show up for people is a huge contrast. Attachment is based on fear and control. Connection is based on faith and letting go. Attachment encourages hiding or changing parts of ourselves. Connection is transparent and honest. Attachment feels like bondage. Connection feels like freedom. An attached person bases their emotional well-being on the behaviors of others. A connected person traces all emotional disturbances back to themselves. An attached person will see their loved ones as they “ought” to be, and resent or judge them when they inevitably fail to show up that way. A connected person sees their loved ones as they actually are, and accepts them for it. Practicing nonattachment shows increased empathy for others (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). The paradox is that when we let go of our attachments we feel more connected. 
couple-holding-each-others-hands-2914629 (1)
Photo from pexels.com
Truthfully, most relationships have attachments. Do you expect your children to go to college? Do you expect your partner to stay with you for life? Do you expect your friend to call on your birthday? These are all attachments. Even the healthiest partnerships will experience hurt feelings and frustrations. Being unattached does not mean you don’t have needs in a relationship, but that you take ownership for those needs. Empowering yourself will help you to make loving requests of the people in your life to meet those needs, rather than entitled demands that they should. The more we can notice our own limiting thoughts about others, the greater capacity we’ll have to let go of being right and choose love instead.

“Be That Self Which One Truly Is” – Our Attachments to Identity

An ancient method for catching monkeys is to place a banana in a cage. When the animal comes along it will reach through the bars and grab the banana. A hunter will then capture the monkey effortlessly all because it won’t let go. The solution is simple: let go of the banana! This isn’t the monkey’s only source of food. It could easily let go, find food elsewhere and keep its life. But, it’s so attached to the fruit it cannot comprehend the simplicity of freedom. In what ways are we controlled simply because we won’t let go? 
silhouette-of-man-sitting-on-grass-field-at-daytime-775417
Photo from pexels.com
One of the strongest attachment issues we face is around our sense of self. We over-identify using outside sources to make meaning of who we are. Our attachments may be financial status, appearance and body image, popularity, achievements, number of likes and followers, religion, family background, relationship status, perceived talents and abilities, sexual desires and preferences, our youth, gender, race, nationality, addiction, mental health issues, and any other ideas of who you are. Some of us are even attached to our own suffering, or identity as a victim. It’s one thing to acknowledge all these parts of ourselves, and another to attach our sense of worth to them. The self is elusive. Our thoughts of identity aren’t who we really are. The true Self is divine. To see and accept ourselves beyond mental and social constructs is nonattachment, and nonattachment is true love. 
So what if we trust life the way we trust our breathing? Our inhale provides oxygen necessary to our survival. But the exhale is just as important to rid the body of carbon dioxide. Can we be grateful for the inhale, and then let go, or exhale knowing there is more good to come? Just as there is nourishment in breath, there is nourishment in all aspects of life: work, relationships, beliefs, etc. It is when we attach to these things that we unconsciously “disturb ourselves with expectations, opinions, criticisms, and disappointments” (Adele, 2009). Trust life knowing that the nature of existence is impermanence. Just like our breathing, when held too long, that which was nourishing becomes toxic. So, let go of the banana. 
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Photo from pexels.com
In conclusion, having attachments isn’t good or bad. Shakespeare said, “nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” So the only question left is how do you want to feel? What attachments would you like to keep, and which would you like to let go of? Ask yourself, “is this attachment serving me? Does it feel light or heavy? Is it creating more joy or more suffering?” Observing and being aware of our thoughts is the first step toward enlightenment.
Personal Practice 1This Week:
  1. Notice your breathing. Can you inhale and exhale – take in and let go, and trust that more good comes?
  2. Look at the objects you own. Do they feel light and detached from your worth? Or do they feel heavy and bring reminders of lack or insecurity?
  3. Notice your expectations. Are you unconsciously demanding fulfillment and comfort from people? Or are you grateful for their existence and consciously making loving requests?
  4. Observe your feelings about the self. Can you look at all the parts that define you without judgment? Or, do you need to look/be a certain way before you love yourself? 
Remember, as you start your journey of nonattachment be curious and kind. Harsh judgments will bring further suffering. Just notice your thoughts, and you’ll be on the gradual path of freedom.                                            

References

Adele, D. (2009). The yamas & niyamas: Exploring yoga’s ethical practice. On-Word Bound Books LLC.
Bates, G., Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2018). Stories of suffering and growth: An investigation of the lived experience of nonattachment. Contemporary Buddhism, 19(2),  448-475. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/14639947.2018.1572311
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, N.Y.: Gotham.
Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2019). The benefits of being less fixated on self and stuff: Nonattachment, reduced insecurity, and reduced materialism. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 302-308. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.019
Sandra, B., P. Shaver, and K. Brown. 2010. A scale to measure nonattachment: A Buddhist complement to western research on attachment and adaptive function. Journal of Personality Assessment 92 (2): 116-127. https://doi-10.1080/00223890903425960

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Project Parent

To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

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Written by Rian Gordon
“So will you be going back to work after the baby comes?” I can’t tell you how many times I got this question while my husband and I were expecting the birth of our little boy. I had recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, and I was working full-time as a data entry specialist – a job that I enjoyed, but certainly not my dream career. We had gone over our budget and figured out that we would be okay to live on my husband’s income alone, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to work exclusively as a stay-at-home mom (because it’s more than a full-time job, believe me), or if I wanted to try and tackle working outside the home as well.
Before I tell you what my husband and I decided for our family, let’s take a look at what some of the research says about being a stay-at-home mom.

Mommas in the Workforce

According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics News Release, “the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 71.1% in 2017” (that’s up 0.6% from 2016, and compared with 92.8% of all fathers). That’s a lot of moms! However, stay-at-home motherhood is also seemingly on the rise, with 29% of mothers now staying home with children (a sharp increase from 23% in 1999).
woman in black coat standing near brown trees during daytime
Photo by Alex Shaw on Unsplash
Stay-at-home motherhood and working motherhood are often pitted against each other in highly emotionally-charged conversations. Because motherhood is something that is very dear to the hearts of many, and because it is not just a practical issue, but a cultural and gender issue as well, people often feel very strongly about whether moms should be in the home. While approximately 70% of Americans believe that a working mother “can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children” as a stay-at-home mom, 60% also think that having a mother (or parent) at home is what is best for children.

For the Kids

The research seems to agree with that 60%, since having at least one parent in the home has shown positive outcomes for both younger and older kids. For young children, developing healthy attachment to a parent or caregiver (most commonly the mother) is particularly essential to a child’s well-being and development. While work doesn’t necessarily interfere with a mother’s capability to develop a healthy attachment with her child, time in the home can certainly give a child more opportunity to have those interactions necessary to develop a healthy attachment. As for older children, having a parent at home has been shown to have an affect on school performance. In this particular study in Norway, kids with a stay-at-home parent had higher GPA’s than those who were placed  in daycare. Though the differences in GPA may seem small, their statistical significance shows that having a parent at home does actually make a difference for kids.
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Photo from pexels.com

The Daycare Dilemma

Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives. Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
#1 – Quality of Daycare – Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.  
#2 – Home Environment – Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that, “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.

Moms, Jobs, and Mental Health

Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. However, research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work and her mental health is not as straightforward as some might assume. An interesting 2012 study by Holmes, Erickson, and Hill, compared the mental and emotional health of stay-at-home and working mothers, while also taking into account their work preference (whether or not they wanted to be working outside the home). What they found was that poor mental health (specifically depression) was not so much predicted by a mother’s job status — instead, what mattered was whether or not there was a discrepancy between what the mom wanted to be doing, and what she was actually doing. If she wanted to be at home but was forced to work, or on the other hand, if she wanted to work but had to stay home, depression was more likely.
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Photo by Melissa Alexandria on Unsplash
Taking it one step further, another study that examined similar factors found that employment isn’t always necessarily “good” or “bad” for a women’s mental health. A lot actually depends on the quality of the job, and this can sometimes even overpower a woman’s preference. “Mothers employed in low-quality jobs face a heightened risk of depression even when they do want to work for pay. But interestingly, mothers employed in high-quality jobs face a low risk of depression even if they do NOT want to work for pay.”

“It Takes a Village”

It seems that the optimal option here is to align your work or home life as closely as possible with your personal preferences and desires. While this is what would be ideal for your mental health, it certainly isn’t an option for every mom out there. Finances, health issues, divorce, and myriad other extenuating circumstances prevent many parents from living their idealized balance between home and work. When this is the case, all hope is not lost! This would be an optimal time to remember the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Whether or not your life as a mom lines up perfectly with your personal ideal, it is to your (and your child’s) advantage to use your own village. Social support is essential in the life of any mom, and research has shown that it even acts as a buffer for parenting stress (Holmes, Erickson, & Hill, 2012). Furthermore, having a strong social support system has actually been shown to improve a parent’s parenting style (increasing both parental warmth, and parental monitoring), and a child’s future social skills. Family, friends, spouses, neighbors, therapists, doctors, and even sometimes complete strangers can all assist you in making your own parenting journey a success. Take advantage of your village!
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Photo from pexels.com

My Choice and Your Choice

After about 3 months of adjusting to motherhood, I decided that I wanted to try applying for a work-from-home job; allowing me to still devote the majority of my time and focus to my son, but at the same time giving me a way to pursue my personal passions and have a mental break from my time as a mom. My husband has been incredibly supportive of my desire to work, which has been extra helpful when it gets particularly difficult to juggle my various roles both in and outside of the home.
Deciding whether or not to stay at home or return to work after you have a baby (or even later on as kids get older) is an incredibly personal decision, and is an important decision that can have an effect both on you and your child’s well-being. I recommend in order to help you make a more informed decision, do some of your own research! Make a pros and cons list of the things that are most important to you and your spouse. Talk about it together. Remember that having a balanced life is the best way to ensure your and your family’s happiness. As you make the choice to create a life for you and your family, find what works for you, and don’t worry about whether that looks the same as it does for everyone else.
Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about about your personal work and family goals. What are your hopes? Your expectations? Be sure to be open and honest with one another.

References

Andrews, E. L. (2014, October 20). Eric Bettinger: Why Stay-at-Home Parents are Good for Older Children. Retrieved from https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/eric-bettinger-why-stay-home-parents-are-good-older-children
Cohn, D., & Caumont, A. (2014, April 08). 7 key findings about stay-at-home moms. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/08/7-key-findings-about-stay-at-home-moms/
Cohn, D., Livingston, G., & Wang, W. (2014, April 08). After Decades of Decline, A Rise in Stay-at-Home Mothers. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/04/08/after-decades-of-decline-a-rise-in-stay-at-home-mothers/
Duncan, A. (2018, April 25). What Research Says About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://www.verywellfamily.com/research-stay-at-home-moms-4047911
Gale, R. (2017, October 10). How Millennials Do Stay-At-Home Motherhood. Retrieved from https://www.refinery29.com/2017/10/175528/stay-at-home-moms-modern
Holmes, E. K., Erickson, J. J., & Hill, E. J. (2012). Doing what she thinks is best: Maternal psychological wellbeing and attaining desired work situations. Human Relations, 65(4), 501–522. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0018726711431351
Shpancer, N., Ph.D. (2017, October 5). Nonparental Daycare: What The Research Tells Us. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201710/nonparental-daycare-what-the-research-tells-us
Taylor, Z. E., Conger, R. D., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2015). Parenting practices and perceived social support: Longitudinal relations with the social competence of Mexican-origin children. Journal of Latina/o Psychology, 3(4), 193–208. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/lat0000038
Usdansky, M. L., Gordon, R. A. (2011). Working Mothers, Stay At Home Mothers, And Depression Risk: A Briefing Paper Prepared for the Council on Contemporary Families. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://contemporaryfamilies.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/2011_Briefing_Usdansky_Working-mothers-depression-risk.pdf
Weber, B. A. (2018, March 19). Stay-at-home moms work the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs, survey finds. Retrieved August 18, 2018, from https://bigthink.com/news/no-surprise-to-moms-everywhere-its-equivalent-to-25-full-time-jobs

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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