Love, Me

The Beauty of Discomfort

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Written by Dray Salcido
“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie
Few would disagree that training for a marathon is incredibly uncomfortable. Then why do people do it? Eating your vegetables isn’t as enjoyable as having a treat, but most would accept that it’s necessary. Staying out to have fun isn’t as important as getting enough sleep, and we all agree on that. Why? These dilemmas have obvious, physical repercussions that impact our well-being. In these situations we acknowledge that the discomfort of exercising, eating healthful foods, and sticking to a sleep regimen are preferred to the health problems that eventually develop from neglect. How do we apply this same understanding of necessary discomfort to the more ambiguous areas of life? The following suggests ways we can understand and cope with discomfort as it relates to our personal and interpersonal lives. 

What does necessary discomfort look like?

What creates discomfort is relative to the individual. Our unique experiences will shape our natural ability to endure difficulty. Necessary discomfort can look like defensiveness in a conversation about race, or gender. Sometimes it shows up in anxiety when speaking your mind as the minority. Another way could be asking for what you want in your romantic partnership. Perhaps it presents itself most strongly when you watch a child make choices with which you don’t agree. Many of us grow to be more and more avoidant in the face of fear. Avoidance is a deliberate refusal to change, grow and learn. To break this pattern it requires that we unlearn our conditioning. 
Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash

What can I do to grow from necessary discomfort?

We’re all aware of the reality of discomfort. A logical understanding won’t change the fact that it will almost always feel unpleasant. So, how do we cope with struggle, and fight against the urge to run from it? 
Give it a name and a purpose.
A great mindfulness technique is to label your emotional experiences. This helps a person gain control over their feelings. Let discomfort be your guide, not your enemy. When pain surfaces ask, “Why am I feeling uncomfortable?” “What am I making this mean about me?” “What triggered this?” Questioning your experience creates awareness. Next time you feel uncomfortable, list all your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Mindfulness practice has represented among the most effective strategies for coping with anxious thoughts (MacDonald, 2020). 
  • Sensations: increased heart rate, sick to stomach, tired, hungry, etc.
  • Thoughts: “He thinks I’m a bad person; She isn’t safe; I’m not enough;” etc.
  • Emotions: fear, shame, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger, shock, disgust, etc.
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash
According to therapeutic research, suffering is meaningless without a reason behind it (Frankl, 1984). Practice naming why your pain matters. I.e. “It’s necessary for my child to mess up in order to become a better person.” Or, “Speaking my truth is how I practice honesty, and honesty is a core value of mine.” Or, “All my heroes achieved great things by learning to suffer with dignity.” No matter your reasons, know that defining and giving meaning will bring beauty to the tragedy. 
Get over yourself.
Seriously, get over yourself. Understand that the greatest roadblock to growth is ourselves. Entitlement only gets in the way of seeing clearly. What made you above suffering? That is a basic, human condition and unless you’re an alien, superhero, or God, there’s no out for you. I don’t say that to invalidate the real pain that comes from struggle. The opposite. Knowing that we all share in this can unify our experience, and foster more connection. Avoid black and white thinking. Be humble, teachable, and open. Research shows that the single greatest factor for positive mental health is cognitive flexibility (Hepworth, 2010). Move with the discomfort, not against it. 
Tell your story.
It’s okay if you prefer to keep certain things close to your heart. Trust is earned and it is a privilege to hear one’s story. However, I do encourage that we share our experiences as often as we can. Speaking candidly about our discomfort is how we own our story, not the other way around. This requires more discomfort of being vulnerable and authentic. But, how else do you expect to receive support in your relationships if no one knows you’re uncomfortable except you? In one study, researchers found that sustaining uncomfortable dialogue was the essential factor in working through conversations around taboos like race, religion, and mental health (Sakamoto, 2005).
Photo by Joshua Sazon on Unsplash

What you can expect as you grow and change.

First, you can expect others to take personal offense at your resolve to change. One thing I’ve observed in my personal dance with discomfort is how uncomfortable it makes other people feel. This is a phenomena I don’t fully understand. Why not be happy for others when they grow? But, for whatever reason, your personal improvements will rub people the wrong way. You can expect them to point this out as if it’s some sort of failing on your part. Don’t let this keep you from trying. Rather, let it be evidence that you’re doing something right. Many of the greats were not appreciated during their time. Becoming yourself will disrupt the status quo – this is a good thing. Second, you can expect to have really hard days. There will be times when you question your own strength and abilities. Most of the time you’ll feel the urge to avoid, or indulge thoughts of self doubt. We’re not meant to feel good all the time. This is normal and necessary. It takes time to navigate discomfort. And third, it will be totally, totally worth it. The refiner’s fire is painful, but necessary in the making of gold. Believe that there is joy in hindsight. You’ll see.
Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash
Recognize that to resist the reality of discomfort is madness. It is also a battle you’ll never win. Spend your time listening to your discomfort, rather than actively working against it. Get out of your own way. Feel your feelings. Speak your truth. It’s all super uncomfortable and scary and uncertain, and there’s just no way around that. But, remember that “discomfort is a wise teacher” (Caroline Myss).  
This week, hold space for discomfort. When you feel defensive in conversations, practice analyzing your thoughts, emotions and sensations as described above. Count to ten before you respond. Be authentic with yourself and others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, speak up! Then walk through why and what is creating your struggle. Give yourself grace, and be patient. You can do this!

References

Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster. 
Hepworth, D. H., Rooney, R. H., Rooney, G. D., Strom-Gottfried, K., (2010). Direct social work practice: Theory and skills. Brooks/Cole-Thomson Learning.
Macdonald, H. Z., & Olsen, A. (2020). The role of attentional control in the relationship between mindfulness and anxiety. Psychological Reports, 123(3), 759-780.
Sakamoto, I., & Pitner, R. O., (2005). Use of critical consciousness in anti-oppressive social work practice: Disentangling power dynamics at personal and structural levels. The British Journal of Social Work, 35(4), 435-452.

 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
 
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care!

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Written by Rachael Porter
Tension and faint smoke filled the air as my roommates and I hunched over our kitchen table, overwhelmed with homework. Midterms were coming up, and we had been too preoccupied with studying to hear the oven buzz on our chicken nuggets. Abruptly, my roommate slammed her pen onto the table.
“I am too stressed,” she huffed. “I am going outside to cry. I’m setting my alarm, and I’ll be back in three minutes because SELF-CARE.” As I watched her leave and took the burning nuggets from the oven, a thought crossed my mind: “Why would she practice self-care by crying? Isn’t self-care supposed to make people happy?”
Your version of self-care might look similar to mine: a giant bowl of rich chocolate ice cream and a Disney movie night. I have heard my friends use massages, pedicures, and shopping sprees as other examples of self-care. I have also seen my friends shrug and say, “You know, self-care” as they dive into a massive plate of nachos or level up in the latest smartphone video game. 
I have found myself wondering: Is this truly self-care? When did self-care become synonymous with self-indulgence? If self-care is defined as “taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health” (as the Oxford dictionary states) we might re-examine whether our “self-care” choices are leading to better health or whether they might just be an attempt to make ourselves happy right now.
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Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash
While the occasional bowl of ice cream and movie night can be part of a long-term strategy, it’s probably not our best “go-to” if used too often. Rather, self-care should stem from making choices relevant to long-term health and happiness, not simply short-term gratification. 
Especially when stressed, we need to feed our body with sleep, fuel, and fulfillment, even if our immediate emotional response to a rough day is to forget all healthy practices in exchange for yummy treats and lazy pastimes. Chances are that mindless screen-scrolling, spending money, or indulging on junk food won’t quite do the trick in terms of replenishing our bodies or building our health. In fact, a Harvard study shows that regular physical activity and a healthy diet are factors that help add more than 10 years to your life (Li et al., 2018)! 
Here are some simple ideas to cope with stressful situations that are healthier for the body and mind.
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Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Care for Your Body

The way you care for your body will have direct effects on your health and happiness. Here are a few ideas of practices you might try to better care for yourself physically. 
Watch what you eat. Although there is no single dietary pattern that will benefit everyone, our bodies do react to what we put inside them. Sugar can increase our energy levels but it burns out fast, which won’t be helpful if you’re looking ahead at a long day. Feeling stress during the day can drain your energy levels. 
If you feel low on energy, you might want to add more nutritious fruits and veggies to your diet to stay full and fueled. Try buying a few fruits vegetables at the store, cut or divide them up, and distribute them into bags or containers that are perfect for grabbing at a moment’s notice. Experiment with healthy food options and recipes. Prepare a few healthy snack options. Listen to your body react to the food you put inside it and adjust accordingly. 
Engage in exercise. You’ve blocked out time in your schedule for physical activity but find yourself dreading it and make excuses to skip it. We know that exercise can improve strength, sleep, and mood. It decreases weight and lowers the risk of various diseases. However, exercise can be a mentally challenging task, especially on the days when we are stressed out. So, find ways to make exercise a natural part of your routine can actually relieve that stress as you accomplish a healthy goal. 
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Photo by Kike Vega on Unsplash
For example, try doing your favorite exercise first. Research shows that if you begin workouts with your favorite exercises, you will look forward to working out and have a better overall experience (Ruby, Dunn, Perrino, Gillis, & Viel, 2011). Experiment with different exercises. Listen to your body and figure out which exercises you love. Then, plan out a routine that allows for low-energy routines for when you are stressed–plan on a good workout for when you have a little more mental and physical energy. 
Stress Relief. You’ve had a hard day, come home from work with some frustrations that really can’t be resolved until tomorrow, but you know you need a little self-care and you do have an hour. Maybe begin by checking in with your body—what hurts? Tense shoulder muscles? Tired feet? Give them a little love. You might try a 10-minute yoga routine when you feel stiff, a stroll around the block to stretch your legs, or engage in a few prolonged toe touches when your backaches. Try soaking your feet in alternating hot and cold water or getting a foot massage to increase blood flow and reduce tension. 

Care for Your Mind

Your brain is the powerhouse of the body and can greatly affect your health and happiness. Here are a few tips to care for your mind and add a little calm to your day.
Nap time! Did you know that napping is good for your brain? An Oxford study tested students’ memory after napping, cramming, or taking a mental break (Cousins, Wong, Raghunath, Look, & Chee, 2018). Students who took a complete mental break did not improve their memory for test materials at all. Students who took a nap or crammed for the test remembered a lot more, but a week later, only those who napped still remembered any of the material! Try setting aside some time to wind down and take a few 10-minute naps this week to assess how it affects your body. 
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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
Inhale, exhale. If you don’t have time for a nap, at least try some deep breathing. Using deep breathing techniques improves the ability to manage stress in daily life (Perciavalle et al., 2016). Maybe try practicing mindfulness (Teper, Segal, & Inzlicht, 2013). Turn your attention inward until you become aware of your feelings, including negative ones. Next, accept those feelings as they are, even if they hurt. People who practice mindfulness feel more in control because they are aware of what is going on internally and they decide to be okay with that. Try practicing mindfulness and note how it affects your feelings of calm and control.
Cry me a river. Although I originally assumed that my roommate’s bout of tears was crazy, I learned later that she might actually be onto something. According to one investigation, both males and females generally experience a better mood after crying, especially if that crying is done in private (Becht, & Vingerhoets, 2002). Crying in private helps criers avoid self-consciousness or judgment from others and allows them to be authentic and let it out! Next time you feel your eyeballs welling up, try telling yourself that it is okay to cry once in a while. Find a space to be alone, let it leak, and see how the crying makes you feel. 
Your body and your mind are incredible tools that serve your needs every day. Do yourself a favor and take care of them! Avoid ‘self-care’ practices that are empty of benefits. Instead, find the practices that will replenish your body and mind. Today, pick out a few habits that you can begin so that tomorrow (and every day after) your body and mind will thank you.
Personal Practice 1Identify a form of self-care that nourishes, restores, and connects you, and implement that practice into your week.

References

Becht, M. C., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2002). Crying and Mood Change: a Cross-Cultural Study. Cognition and
Emotion, 16(1), 87-101.
Cousins, J. N., Wong, K. F., Raghunath, B. L., Look, C., & Chee, M. W. L. (2018, October 29). The long-term memory benefits of a daytime nap compared with cramming. Sleep, 42(1), https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/zsy207
Li, Y., Pan, A., Wang, D. D., Liu, X., Dhana, K., Franco, O. H., Kaptoge, S., Angelantonio, E. D., Stampfer, M., Willett, W. C., Hu, F. B. (2018, April 30). Impact of healthy lifestyle factors on life expectancies in the US population. Circulation, 138(4).
Perciavalle, V., Blandini, M., Fecarotta, P., Buscemi, A., Corrado, D. D., Bertolo, L., Fichera, F., & Coco, M. (2016, Dec 19). The role of deep breathing on stress. Neurological Science, 38(3), 451-458. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10072-016-2790-8
Ruby, M. B., Dunn, E. W., Perrino, A., Gillis, R., & Viel, S. (2011). The invisible benefits of exercise. Health Psychology, 30(1), 67-74. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021859.
Teper, R., Segal, Z. V., & Inzlicht, M. (2013). How mindfulness enhances emotion regulation through improvements in executive control. Current Directions in Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413495869

 

IMG_20200315_142213 (1)Rachael Porter is from Saratoga Springs, Utah. Rachael is currently a Family Life major with a minor in gerontology at BYU. She is the oldest of four kids and is married to her best friend Matt. She works as a TA for online family life classes at BYU. Rachael looks forward to graduating in December 2020 and having children afterward. She enjoys ice cream, traveling, friends, hiking, camping, plants, and movie nights.

 

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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Anxiety Busters – Tips and Tricks for Dealing With Worry

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Written by Rian Gordon
In our constantly busy and overstimulated world, anxiety and worry are not difficult to find. In fact, according to the ADA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America), anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults every year. Anxiety disorders present themselves in many different forms, from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, to Panic Disorder, to Social Anxiety Disorder, to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and beyond. Even without a diagnosable disorder, many people deal with stress and anxiety every day as they worry about relationships, work, school, money, and just life in general.
One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that it is a vicious cycle – once the worry begins, it can be difficult to get your brain to stop, particularly if you aren’t aware of what is triggering the stress. Luckily, there are quite a few simple research-proven tricks that you can do every day to help calm down your racing brain, and stop the worry cycle. And the best part is, most of them don’t need any sort of special equipment or training, and you can do them almost anywhere!

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is defined as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994) Because anxiety often stems from worrying about the future or the unknown, focusing on the present moment non-judgmentally by practicing mindfulness can help reduce the anxiety that you experience from day-to-day (Davis & Hayes, 2012; Evans, et. al, 2008; Hoffman, Sawyer, Witt, & Oh, 2010).
man looking at the window
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
There are several different ways that you can practice mindfulness in your life. Here are just a few for you to try:
  • Grounding exercises: Grounding exercises are an excellent way to help bring yourself into the present and keep your thoughts and anxiety from spinning out of control. These exercises involve honing in on one or more of the five senses to help take your focus off of the future and the unknown, and bring it back to the present. For example, if you notice yourself feeling anxious, take a few minutes to hyper-focus in on what you hear in that moment – your own breath, the rustling of your clothes, the air conditioning, someone talking in the cubicle next to you, etc. The same goes for any of the other senses. You can choose to focus on just one sense or multiple. As you practice these grounding exercises, they will help switch your brain out of panic mode, and into the present.
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Photo from pexels.com
  • Deep Breathing: Connecting to your breath is another quick and easy way to pull your mind out of anxiety and into the present moment. Breathing slowly and deeply signals to your brain to relax, and restores a sense of control and peace to your entire body. If you find yourself feeling anxious, try taking even just 3-5 deep breaths. If you need a little more, try one of these breathing exercises, or one of these options here.
    • P.S. There are also a lot of great phone apps that you can download that focus on helping with deep breathing!
  • Brushing your teeth: The art of mindfulness does not come naturally or easily to everyone, but it is something we can all practice and improve. An easy way to strengthen your own mindful awareness skills is by practicing while you perform a common everyday routine such as brushing your teeth! Move slowly and thoughtfully, and pay careful attention to the sensations. How does it feel as the bristles of the toothbrush move across your teeth, mouth, and tongue? What does the toothpaste taste like? Try to focus solely on the moment, and what you are experiencing right now. If you find your thoughts starting to wander, don’t panic! Just gently direct them back to thinking about brushing your teeth. The more you practice this, the easier it will get. You can also try this exercise with washing your hair, or eating your breakfast.

Set aside designated worry time

While it may sound counterintuitive, research has actually shown that setting aside a designated time to feel worried can reduce overall anxiety (Borkovec, Wilkinson, Folensbee, & Lerman, 1983; Mcgowan & Behar, 2013)! The idea is that setting aside time to think about your worries can help you train your brain to control how often and when you worry. This way, when you are trying to sleep, work, engage with loved ones, etc. you can calm your mind and put a stop to the anxiety cycle before it spirals out of control. Here’s how it works (adapted from Kim Pratt’s Psychology Tools: Schedule “Worry Time”):
  1. Schedule between 15-30 minutes each day for one week as your designated “worry time”. Put it in your calendar or set an alarm to help remind you. 
  2. During your designated worry time, write down all of your worries that you can think of.  Don’t feel like you have to solve them during this time. When your worry time is up, put your list away and move on with the rest of your day. 
  3. Between worry times: if you start to worry, tell yourself to let go of those thoughts until the next designated worry period. Don’t get frustrated if this is difficult at first. You may need to remind yourself over and over to let go of your worries until it’s your worry time.
  4. At the end of the week, consider reviewing what you wrote down over the course of that week and reflect on what you see. Noticing patterns or repeat worries can help you prioritize and better address what is causing you to worry.
  5. Repeat. Start again at the beginning of a new week! The more you practice, the better you will get at controlling when and where you worry. You can even reduce your amount of designated worry time as you improve.
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Photo from pexels.com

Giving voice to your emotions

Acknowledging the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing is an important way to allow them to move through you rather than hold you back as you keep them bottled up inside. One of the ways to do this is through journaling. Keeping a journal that acts as a place where you can openly and freely express your thoughts and emotions is a great way to process the worries that you are experiencing. Sometimes writing it down will be all it takes for you to feel better about a problem. Journaling can also help you keep track of things that trigger your anxiety. Understanding how your worry works can be a key to helping you learn how to manage it better!
While journaling can help you process your emotions and anxiety, it can also be really helpful to verbally acknowledge your feelings and talk with someone about what you are experiencing. Find a trusted friend or family member that you feel like you can talk to! Sometimes just saying what you are feeling can be a release, and can help you start on a path to healing. Sharing experiences also creates opportunity for empathy, for learning, and for mutual understanding. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open up to someone can also present opportunities for you to get the help you need to get through the tough days.
woman wearing gray jacket
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Be aware that while friends and family are excellent resources, sometimes you need a little more guidance. A professional counselor or therapist can help you further process your anxiety, and give you more tools to help you manage it. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about seeing someone who has been trained for this specific purpose (read here to learn more about why everyone needs therapy in their life)!

Remember

It’s important to acknowledge that even if you practice all of these techniques, you may still struggle with managing your anxiety. THAT IS OKAY. Be patient with yourself. As you learn to use the resources that are available to you, you will be able to manage the difficulties that life throws at you. Take it a day at a time, and focus on the present, and always remember that you are not alone.
Personal Practice 1Pick one of these anxiety-busting tricks to try out this week, and share with us how it works for you!

References

Borkovec, T., Wilkinson, L., Folensbee, R., & Lerman, C. (1983). Stimulus control applications to the treatment of worry. Behaviour research and therapy, 21, 247-51. 10.1016/0005-7967(83)90206-1.
Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012) What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48(2), 198-208.
Evans, S., Ferrando, S., Findler, M., Stowell, C., Smart, C., & Haglin, D. (2008). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for generalized anxiety disorder. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 22(4), 716-721.
Facts & Statistics. (2018). Retrieved May 10, 2019, from https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics
Hoffman, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology,78(2), 169-183.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go There You Are. New York, NY: Hachette Books.
Mcgowan, S. K., & Behar, E. (2013). A Preliminary Investigation of Stimulus Control Training for Worry. Behavior Modification, 37(1), 90-112. https://doi:10.1177/0145445512455661
Pratt, K. (2014, May 11). Psychology Tools: Schedule “Worry Time”. Retrieved May 10, 2019, from https://healthypsych.com/psychology-tools-schedule-worry-time/

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

Postpartum Expression

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Written by Shirley Anderson
As a new mom myself, I am all too familiar with the many changes that accompany postpartum. The complete joy; the exhaustion; the new family dynamics; the physical recovery; the bonding; the new body; modified social and work dynamics and countless other changes that one truly can’t prepare for.
Experiences during postpartum vary widely, ranging from tears of discouragement to inexplicable joy—sometimes within a matter of minutes! In hopes of shedding some light on the realities of postpartum, I’ve asked over a dozen new moms about their experiences. These brave mothers candidly share the highs and lows of their transition into motherhood; how they find solace on hard days and invaluable advice for expectant moms. The full interview can be found  here.
In this post, I’ve summarized their responses into four essential tips on how to thrive in postpartum, and included some experiences of women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety integrated with what the experts have to say about it.

#1 Be Patient With Yourself

Being patient with yourself is key in postpartum! It takes practice to learn how to best meet your baby’s needs, and communication with an infant can be tricky. Be kind to yourself as you learn the ropes of motherhood.
woman carrying baby
Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash
“It is easy to be overwhelmed and feel like I am not enough or I am not doing enough. Even if I feel like I am a good mom 99% of the time I tend to dwell on the one moment I lost my patience for a second.”
Remember to avoid comparing your progress with your perception of other moms. Everyone’s journey looks different, and things are rarely as they seem.
“Nowadays with social media you can see everybody’s perfect moments, and not their everyday, and so that’s what you compare to. They look happy, their house is so clean, why isn’t mine? But you have to remember that every situation is different and what people post isn’t always reality.”

#2 Take Time to Recharge

Being 100% responsible for a little one can be really taxing. Surrounding yourself with family and friends who can support you in this new endeavor makes a world of difference. Research has shown that the well-being of first time mothers is indicative of the support of her social network (Leahy et al., 2012). Just as the old proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Use your village!
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Photo from pexels.com
“Bring on a trusted team of helpers to help care for your baby, husband, kids and you. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You need all of the strength to get you through the first few months, especially.”
Self-care is crucial to maintaining our identity outside of motherhood. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and then make the time to do them! You will feel refreshed and be better able to care for your loved ones.
“I think once I get out of the house I feel a lot better. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block. Sometimes the only way to get out of the house is with messy hair and no makeup but I always feel better.”

#3 Trust Your Intuition

Many people will have opinions on what is ‘best.’ Trust your intuition! You are more than capable to care for your baby as you see fit.
woman carrying baby while walking
Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash
“DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Mom-guilt is real and I can really be hard on myself, especially when I feel like I’m not living up to expectations (either ones that I have set for myself, or ones that I feel like others have for me).”
Our motherhood journeys will all look different because each mother, baby and situation are unique. Remember to “go with your gut” and do what you feel is best—even if it isn’t popular among friends or family.
“Rather than doing what the books tell you to do or everything that others tell you to do, trust yourself. You do have motherly instincts and they’ll kick in to help you. Books and advice from others are there to simply make your life easier and bring you more joy, so if that advice is taking away the joy of motherhood, then let it go and do things your way.”

#4 Redefine Success

Success in motherhood looks different! In the first few weeks after my baby was born, I had a hard time feeling successful at the end of each day. My to-do list became extremely simple (ex. ‘take a shower,’ or ‘clip baby’s nails’). I became disenchanted with the monotony of my small accomplishments.
“When another person depends on you for everything, suddenly the easiest household tasks seem monumental—especially on limited sleep.”
I’ve since learned that success isn’t completing a well thought out to-do list! I fed, diapered, sang to, read to, played with, soothed and cherished my baby all day long (tasks that didn’t appear on my to-do list). To me, that has become success.
“…this tiny sweet person will only be little for so long. I am slowly learning to not sweat the small things and that playing hide and seek is much more important than finishing the laundry.”

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

“Postpartum depression is a real thing, and I think every new mom no matter if she experiences it or not, is a soldier for what she goes through. Virtually no part of your body, mind, or soul goes untouched after becoming a mother.”
Approximately 8–14 % of US women experience postpartum depression, yet fewer than half of these women ever receive treatment (Farr et al., 2016). This often stems from the notion that postpartum depression and anxiety are not permanent conditions and that you can just “ride-it-out.” When left unacknowledged or untended, these conditions can have lasting effects and overshadow the joys of motherhood.
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Photo from pexels.com
It’s important to educate yourself on both the typical and atypical symptoms of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety/OCD. Click here and here for two different articles that help explain these symptoms.  
After giving birth, there is a significant shift in hormones that often cause mothers to experience mood swings. A few blue days of feeling tired and overwhelmed are considered ‘typical’ while extended periods of feeling hopeless are not. If you are consumed by feelings of sadness, guilt or anxiousness, reach out and get the help you need.  
“DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. I started seeing my therapist as soon as my anxiety felt higher than normal after giving birth. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so my husband and I were on alert, knowing that I was at a higher risk for postpartum. Getting professional help has really helped me to keep going.”
“I now know I had postpartum anxiety/OCD after B was born. For the first few months I hardly slept or would leave my baby alone in a room. I was so worried about him and his safety. It was hard because I was worried that I would feel like that forever. I of course still worry about him but not in the same obsessive way. I was ashamed to tell anyone my “crazy” thoughts and feelings and didn’t reach out when I needed to the most.”

Conclusion:

The key to THRIVING in postpartum is not going at it alone or with unrealistic expectations. Celebrate the mundane but important victories and surround yourself with a support network that validates you in the most important undertaking you will ever face!
As you hit that daily wall of “I have no idea what I am doing” or experience the euphoria of “I’m so happy my heart could burst”, take a step back and remember that this is the nature of motherhood and that you are in good company.

References

Farr, S. L., Ko, J. Y., Burley, K., & Gupta, S. (2016). Provider communication on perinatal depression: A population-based study. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 19(1), 35–40. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00737-014-0493-9
Hussmann, M. D. (2021). Demystifying first-time mothers’ postpartum mental health: A phenomenological study of the transition to becoming a mother [ProQuest Information & Learning]. In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol. 82, Issue 8–B).
Leahy, W. P., McCarthy, G., & Corcoran, P. (2012). First‐time mothers: Social support, maternal parental self‐efficacy and postnatal depression. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 21(3–4), 388–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1365-2702.2011.03701.x
Lee, H. Y., Edwards, R. C., & Hans, S. L. (2019). Young first-time mothers’ parenting of infants: The role of depression and social support. Maternal and Child Health Journal. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10995-019-02849-7

 

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…)

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Written by Rian Gordon
Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.

1. Feeling leads to healing

The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
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Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash
Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”

2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us

Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
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Photo from pexels.com
It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.

3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions

Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
  • Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
  • Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
  • Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
  • Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.

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Photo by Courtney Tipton

Conclusion

The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201701/understanding-emotions-and-how-process-them
http://www.willmeekphd.com/processing-emotions/
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004

 

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

 

 

 

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