When Joe and Alice (names have been changed) were first married, they spent every minute together. Usually their schedules were the same, but when Alice went out one night, Joe enjoyed a couple of hours of alone time. He felt guilty for enjoying this alone time, and so he said nothing when he realized that he was feeling overwhelmed by all of their togetherness. Alice had the same guilty feeling when Joe went to work on a day she had off.
Another couple, Mike and Sarah (names have been changed) felt that they were becoming no more than distant roommates. Their schedules were opposite. Mike worked at night, and Sarah worked during the day. Medical bills were high, and their schedules were not likely to change. When they did see each other, they were tired, and it was late at night when they were getting ready for bed, or early in the morning when Sarah was getting ready for work.
Photo by Vladimir Kudinov on Unsplash
These two examples – two extremes – illustrate that alone time and together time are both important. Finding a balance between spending time together and alone is essential when it comes to having a healthy relationship.
John Gottman, a leading researcher in couple relationships, says that a minimum of five hours of quality time per week is essential for maintaining healthy romantic relationships. This advice is corroborated by a large amount of research (Benson, 2016). These five hours do not include “shop talk” (conversations about the busy and mundane stuff: work, finances, parenting, etc.). Instead, these five hours are for doing something enjoyable: pillow talk, dinner, a card game, dancing, hiking, shopping, going out to eat, kissing, cooking or something else that members of a partnership enjoy.
Photo by Quinn Eliason
While this time together will help you to get to know each other better, alleviate stress, and deepen your love and commitment, it is perfectly okay to need and want alone time as well. We all need time to rejuvenate, strengthen, and collect ourselves. Spending appropriate amounts of time on our own, without our partner, can increase our ability to be good spouses. Here’s an example from my life.
I love Tuesdays. This is my day off. After I kiss my husband goodbye and he goes to work on Tuesday morning, I put in a couple of loads of laundry, pay bills and do some of the mundane things that need to be done around the house. But I also crank up my favorite 90’s country music, or binge watch one of my favorite shows while I fold laundry, clean, or reorganize some part of the house. I also do something for myself. Sometimes I write in my journal, sometimes I read, and sometimes I work out. I love my husband, but I also love Tuesdays. Because I have taken some productive alone time, by the time my husband comes home, I am ready and excited to see him, and because I have had a good and productive day, he comes home to a happy wife and clean laundry. He kisses me, and then I make sure to give him plenty time to debrief about work (usually twenty minutes or so), and then the remainder of the night is usually reserved for a date. My husband gets alone time on Saturday nights, and allows me the same debriefing time when I get home from work.
Photo by Tia Hall Photography
Sometimes other demands can get in the way of this essential couple time. Children, while important, can sometimes make this time difficult. If you have children, remember that your relationship is more important than your children. Your children exist because of your relationship, and they need to know that your marriage/partnership is important. According to many theories and a lot of research, children model what they see (Jenkins et al., 2005). When children see you cuddling in the living room, or kissing in the kitchen, or going on a date, as well as communicating about your needs and making time for each other, they will exercise similar relationship skills when they are older. They will also be more respectful of you and your partner, because they are watching you respect and care for each other.
Photo by Liza Jane Photography
Take one hour this week to do something you enjoy. The laundry will still be there. So will the dishes. But take an hour to rejuvenate. Then, take some time to be a couple, sans shop talk. Repeat as often as you can.
References
Babcock, J. C., Gottman, J. M., Ryan, K. D., & Gottman, J. S. (2013). A component analysis of a brief psycho-educational couples’ workshop: one-year follow-up results. Journal of Family Therapy, 35(3), 252–280. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1467-6427.12017
Benson, K. (2016, December 9). 6 hours a week to a better relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/
Cleary Bradley, R. P., & Gottman, J. M. (2012). Reducing Situational Violence in Low-Income Couples by Fostering Healthy Relationships. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 38(Supp S1), 187–198. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00288.x
Jenkins, J., Simpson, A., Dunn, J., Rasbash, J., & O’Connor, T. G. (2005). Mutual Influence of Marital Conflict and Children’s Behavior Problems: Shared and Nonshared Family Risks. Child Development, 76(1), 24–39. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2005.00827.x
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Take one hour this week to do something you enjoy. The laundry will still be there. So will the dishes. But take an hour to rejuvenate. Then, take some time to be a couple, sans shop talk. Repeat as often as you can. 