Cover photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Written by Emma Smith

Many of us have heard the sarcastic phrase “ok, boomer” uttered in reference to advice given by a member of the baby boomer generation. Babies born between 1946 and 1964 as part of this baby boomer generation were plentiful, especially when compared to present day. Below, we see a population pyramid from 1960 and below that, we see a pyramid from 2019. The population boom that occurred with the baby boomers is evidenced by the bulge in the number of people age 0-14 in the 1960 pyramid. Now, in the 2019 pyramid, we see no such distribution. In fact, we see the opposite. There is a tapering in the population, with the number of children being less than the number of adults, particularly aging adults like our beloved “boomers”. 

Caregiving to Aging Parents

The question many may ask is, “so what?” What does an aging population mean for those of us who are not yet in that stage of life? For a percentage of the population it means that their parents are aging and approaching, if not already in, the stage of life that requires more care and attention. For about 25% of the population, having aging parents also means caring for aging parents (Hyer, Mullen & Jackson, 2017). That was 25% of the U.S. population in 2017; as the baby boomer generation reaches the age that caregiving is needed the percentage will only increase.

Caregiving for an aging parent can be both difficult and rewarding. It was found that the role of caregiving for an aging parent became a real emotional strain only when the role of caregiving became all-consuming (Dautzenberg et al., 1999). In other words, caregiving became the only role of the adult child. Singer, Lena Horne put it this way; “It is not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.” If an adult child were to take the full load of caregiving upon their shoulders without having an outlet or a moment to step away, the load could break the caregiver down. The need to take a break can cause some guilt in caretakers and even the most devoted caregivers can feel resentful, depressed, or even angry about their role (Hyer, Mullen & Jackson, 2017). These effects can be lessened or even eliminated by allowing breaks in the caretakers’ lives.

Caring for adult parents can also be a financial hardship. The level of care needed may require an adult child to retire from work to provide full-time care for an aging parent. That’s if the aging parent is able to remain at home and in the family’s care; the average annual cost of a family member in a nursing home is between $89,297 and $100,375 annually, and unfortunately, these rates are expected to rise (Witt & Hoyt, 2019). This stage of life may often coincide with the children of the caregiver attending and needing financial help in college, all of which create a great financial strain.

Caring for aging parents is not without rewards. Many adult children report caregiving as a rewarding opportunity to reconnect with parents and feel as though they are giving back (Miller et al., 2008). In addition, the presence of grandparents as a result of caregiving fosters emotional closeness with their grandchildren. Emotional closeness to grandparents is associated with an increase in empathy and kind acts towards others in adolescents (Attar-Schwartz & Khoury-Kassabri, 2016). Aging adults needing care in the home are an opportunity to nurture relationships that can be a blessing to your family. Older adults often have so much that they want to teach and share with their families. Theorist Erik Erikson suggested this desire to share and concern for the next generations is innate in middle age and older adults (Erikson, 1982). Older adults have so much to offer.

Coming Closer through Caregiving

Now, if I could get personal for a moment. I’ve got a soft spot for the elderly, my grandparents in particular, and they are amazing. However, it’s fairly common for younger people to feel uncomfortable around older adults. Is bingo the only thing they like to do? Here are a few tips for strengthening your connections with the older people in your life:

1. Get them talking!

It’s totally normal to not really be sure what to say around someone who is significantly older than you are. What do they even like to talk about? Honestly, anything. My grandparents will talk about anything and everything, and as it turns out, we have plenty to discuss because they were young once too! My Oma (grandma) remembers what it was like to have a boyfriend and what her wedding day was like. My Opa (grandpa) remembers amazing stories from his life emigrating to the US from Germany and enlisting in the army. Talk to them about anything in your life and ask them about what their lives have been like – they probably have a LOT of wisdom, stories, and memories to share. 

2. Find out common likes and dislikes

As for the bingo, while that might be something they enjoy, I can guarantee that it’s not the only thing. Just because a person gets older doesn’t mean they lose interest in their favorite hobbies! Do they like movies? Cooking? Cycling? Stand-up comedy? Find out what they love and do it with them. You may even find out that you have a lot in common! As for my grandparents, they both still love swimming, going to the beach, making dinners, and playing Rummikub. 

3. See what you can teach each other

It is very likely that the older people in your life have learned a thing or two over their lifetime. It is also likely that you may know a few things that they haven’t yet had the chance to learn about. Look for opportunities to teach and learn from each other. My Opa tinkered with car engines until he couldn’t crawl under a car anymore and he still tells us all what to do with our cars when we go to him for his expertise.

Now is the time to evaluate our interactions with others, particularly the “boomers”. Rather than responding tiredly with “ok, boomer” we can respond compassionately and conversationally and create connections and relationships that we all long for. Leo Buscaglia put it this way, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Let us all seek to fulfill our potential to touch the lives of others, particularly those in the aging portion of the population. Spending these parcels of time with them is more precious than you know.

Test out one of the tips for connecting with one of the elderly people in your life!

References

Attar-Schwartz, S., & Khoury-Kassabri, M. (2016). The moderating role of cultural affiliation in the link between emotional closeness to grandparents and adolescent adjustment difficulties and prosocial behavior. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 86(5), 564-572. https://doi.org10.1037/ort0000195

Dautzenberg, M. G. H., Diederiks, J. P. M., Philipsen, H., Tan, F. E. S. (1999). Multigenerational caregiving and well-being: Distress of middle-aged daughters providing assistance to elderly parents. Women & Health, 24(4), 57-74, https://doi.org/10.1300/J013v29n04_04

Erikson, E. H. (1982). The life cycle completed: Review. New York: Norton.

Geriatrics Workforce By the Numbers. (n.d.). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.americangeriatrics.org/geriatrics-profession/about-geriatrics/geriatrics-workforce-numbers

Hyer, L., Muller, C. M., & Jackson, K. (2017). The unfolding of unique problems in later life families. In G. L. Welch & A. W. Harrist (Eds.) Family resilience and chronic illness: Interdisciplinary and translational perspectives (pp. 197-224). New York: Springer.

Miller, K. I., Shoemaker, M. M., Willyard, J., & Addison, P. (2008). Providing care for elderly parents: A structural approach to family caregiver identity. Journal of Family and Communication, 17, 3-26, https://doi.org10.1080/15267430701389947

Witt, S., & Hoyt, J. (2019, June 22). Nursing Home Costs in 2020 by State and Type of Care. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.seniorliving.org/nursing-homes/costs/

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.