Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
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Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
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For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Most of us love kissing our partners. It can be fun or sexy, romantic or playful, or a million other things. Beyond that, tons of research has shown that kissing your partner has many benefits and is extremely healthy (Busby et al., 2020; Santos-Longhurst, 2018; Kulibert et al., 2019; Fisher et al., 2015)
Biological Benefits
First, kissing has three major biological functions: 1) it helps us assess how suitable a mate is, 2) it arouses us, 3) it prepares the body and mind for sexual intimacy (Busby et al., 2020).
Kissing increases semiochemicals (pheromones) which aid in bonding. Most pheromones are detected by smell, but some of the strongest ones are located on the lips and other erogenous zones.
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As if that weren’t enough, research has shown that making out with your partner boosts your metabolism and immune system, can lower your cholesterol, and can even heal your DNA for up to a minute after a good makeout session. Kissing also significantly lowers stress, which is linked to digestive and cardiovascular health, headaches, and fertility, to name only a few. On top of that, passionate kissing burns an average of 6.4 calories per minute. If you make out for 30 minutes, that’s 192 calories (Santos-Longhurst, 2018).
While you probably ought to kiss your partner for love, not just to boost your metabolism or lower your cholesterol, it is just one way science proves the importance of healthy romantic relationships.
Here’s where it becomes even more interesting. These benefits are most powerful in monogamous relationships (Kulibert et al., 2019). In other words, kissing your partner is biologically much healthier than kissing anyone with a nice pair of lips.
Photo credit: Gloria Prestwich
Relationship Benefits
Mostly, kissing is an incredibly important part of emotional and physical intimacy. If you are having trouble connecting emotionally or physically, kissing more often is one way to improve your relationship (Busby et al., 2020).
Many people report that kissing more frequently outside of a sexual context leads to higher relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. And kissing your partner as a greeting and a farewell is also important.
Kissing increases the production of oxytocin and dopamine – the chemicals that make you happy and all warm and fuzzy inside (Buehler, 2014). This helps you bond to your partner. It produces emotional attachment. Both the majority of men and women report that kissing is the highest expression of love. I mentioned earlier that kisses can be fun, playful, sexy or romantic. Kisses are nonverbal messages to your partner, and the way you express love, in this way, as many others, drives the success of your relationship and the closeness you feel to one another.
What about the kids?
A little caveat here. In our teaching, my husband and I work with many kids who say they have never seen their parents kiss each other, and this breaks my heart. Your children may not need to see you make out, but it is important to be affectionate around your children. Children will practice in their own relationships what they see you doing. Kissing and being affectionate in front of your children teaches them that marriages can be fulfilling and loving, not the ball-and-chain entrapment Hollywood makes them out to be. Kiss in front of them. It is important for children to see that their parents love each other. This reinforces that you are a team.
1. Please go make out with your partner!
2. Increase the frequency of non-sexual romantic kissing throughout your day.
References
Buehler, S. (2014). Review of The heart of desire: Keys to the pleasures of love. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(3), 255–256. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0092623X.2014.894317
Busby, D. M., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C. E. (2020). A kiss is not just a kiss: Kissing frequency, sexual quality, attachment, and sexual and relationship satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681994.2020.1717460
Fisher, W. A., Donahue, K. L., Long, J. S., Heiman, J. R., Rosen, R. C., & Sand, M. S. (2015). Individual and partner correlates of sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness in midlife couples: Dyadic analysis of the international survey of relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(6), 1609–1620. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-014-0426-8
Kulibert, D. J., Moore, E. A., Dertinger, M. M., & Thompson, A. E. (2019). Attached at the lips: The influence of romantic kissing motives and romantic attachment styles on relationship satisfaction. Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships, 13(1), 14–30. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.5964/ijpr.v13i1.324
Santos-Longhurst, A. (2018, July 13). 16 reasons to kiss. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-kissing
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
