While there are many elements of healthy relationships, and each partnership is different and unique, there are six basic components to a healthy relationship. These six aspects, backed by research, provide a strong foundation for creating and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Couples who implement these six aspects are much more likely to have long-term, satisfying relationships.
1. Share Responsibility for the Success of the Relationship
First, we must begin by assuming full responsibility for our relationship. Relationships are not a 50-50 split. Each partner must contribute 100% – the very best they have to give. When each partner contributes this kind of effort, they increase the likelihood that their relationship will be healthy and long-lasting. Even when partners make mistakes, disagree, or are going through hard times, problems are more easily solved.
One way to start sharing responsibility more evenly is to shift “I-You” conversations to “We-Us” conversations. For example, if your partner loves to spend money and doesn’t always stick to a budget, they are responsible for that. But saying “You have a money problem” is not accurate because you too will feel the effects of those poor spending choices. Changing your statement to “We have a money problem” says that you are in the relationship 100% and committed to working through those challenges. Alternatively “I need a new car” is different than “We need a new car”, and “What you’re doing as a parent doesn’t work” is different than, “I think we’re on different pages when it comes to parenting”.
On the other hand, “We” are not responsible for the bad day you had at work. Each partner is responsible for their own emotions and reactions, and blaming something that is our responsibility on our partner is not just unfair – it can lead to many significant communication and intimacy problems down the road.
Sharing responsibility increases the likelihood of couples staying together long-term because it minimizes blaming, initiates positive conflict resolution, and promotes commitment (Johnson, 2011).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
2. Trust
John Gottman (2011), one of the leading researchers on relationships has said that the most desirable quality looked for in a partner is trust. Trust embodies faith, assurance, dependability and honesty. It is a powerful belief that comes from deep within us. Ask yourself these questions:
Am I promoting trust in our relationship?
Do I consistently promote trust and emotional safety in our relationship?
Can I trust you to be there for me when I need you the most?
Do I trust you enough to be able to be vulnerable around you?
Can I trust that you will sacrifice for our family?
Am I promoting trust in our relationship?
Building trust takes time and it comes as a result of many small moments and decisions. Every single day is an opportunity to build the foundation of trust in our relationships.
Photo by Joseph Chan on Unsplash
3. Intimacy
In reality, intimacy is just a fancy word that means “closeness”. Intimacy in romantic relationships can be broken down into two different types: emotional and physical.
Building emotional intimacy involves letting down your walls, and allowing your partner to feel with you. It goes back to building trust in your relationship, and allowing yourself to be a safe place for your partner. Emotional intimacy is about both vulnerable, and having empathy.
Physical intimacy is a little more straightforward on paper, but it can be really difficult to maintain, especially if you are struggling with being emotionally intimate. Being physically close by holding hands, cuddling, kissing, having sex, etc. can help build trust, commitment, and deeper love (Yoo et al., 2014).
Both aspects of intimacy play off each other, and help to increase relationship satisfaction and longevity. Remember that the closer you are to each other emotionally, the safer it is to be physically close.
Photo by Anna on Unsplash
4. Communication
Communication is vital in any relationship, but not all types of communication are going to be helpful. We have learned through research that positive communication is needed especially as we work through conflicts in our relationships (Johnson, 2011).
The key to positive communication is to be “soft on the person, but firm on the issue.” Being soft on a person requires us to slow down, and deliberately create a space of empathy. The way we communicate our needs, wants, frustrations, values and goals can make all the difference. It is important that we do communicate those things – expecting our partner to read our mind, or shouting about our frustrations accomplishes nothing.
Learning to tap into empathy, as researcher Brené Brown (2013) has taught, can be one of the most important things for safe connection and communication in your relationship.
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash
5. Commitment
Commitment is foundational to any relationship. A relationship is only as strong as the level of commitment. When two people commit, they can get through anything. Commitment goes beyond saying “I do” or making a copy of the key to your house though. Commitment is about finding meaning in your relationship, even when life is hard, and especially when you disagree with your partner. It also means that you continue to prioritize your partner’s values, opinions, interests and needs.
Commitment means that in a conflict, I don’t give my partner the silent treatment, or throw things at him, or say things to him or about him that are untrue or hurtful. I can still be frustrated, but commitment is the difference between “I hate you; you’re ruining my life” and “I’m frustrated because we aren’t on the same page. Will you help me understand your side and then be willing to hear mine?”
It can be easy to prioritize careers, money, hobbies and even children above our partner. Sometimes we think, “I can put this first because I know they are always there for me”, and so we put our partners on the back-burner. Once in awhile, this is just life. But when it becomes a pattern, problems begin to arise. Healthy couples exercise high levels of commitment by prioritizing their partners above the other pieces of their life.
Also keep in mind, that according to research, commitment fosters love, not the other way around (Brotherson, 2014). Love is a choice, and we choose love by committing.
Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash
6. Time
There’s a saying that “good things take time”. That definitely applies when working to build healthy and happy romantic relationships. Strong relationships don’t just magically appear overnight, and we shouldn’t expect them to! It takes time and dedication to learn from each other and grow together to really build a relationship into something meaningful, satisfying, and lasting.
The investment of time is made up of small daily moments in our lives. Research has shown that taking small moments of time throughout the week to show love and gratitude, particularly at partings (like when someone leaves for work in the morning) and reunions (coming home at the end of the day), can really make a difference in how close partners feel to each other. Combine each of those small moments with a date night at the end of the week, and you’ve got a much better chance for a healthy and happy relationship.
Photo from pexels.com
This is just an introduction to relationships. Continuing to build and maintain these six aspects of romantic relationships will provide greater meaning, satisfaction, and happiness. More content will be coming on each of these topics, but for now, check out the sources below for more information:
Brotherson, L. M. (2014). And they were not ashamed: strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Brown, B. (2013, December 10). Brené Brown on Empathy [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
Gottman, J. (2011, October 29). John Gottman on trust and betrayal. Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal
Johnson, S. (2011). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little Brown & Co.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal Of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275-293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
