We all want to connect and show our significant others that we love them. However, because men are biologically, socially and sexually different than women (Hsu, 2012; Barlow, 1995; Fisher, 2002), sometimes it can be tricky for us to spot when our loved one is trying to show us love. Ultimately, in a marriage or serious relationship men and women have the same basic goal to connect, and understanding that men love differently than women is important to feeling, expressing, and receiving love. Often it seems that men are sincerely trying to be engaged, loving partners and women become frustrated with their efforts, misunderstanding what is actually being communicated. By discussing some of the different ways that men give and receive love, I’m hoping to help the ladies be more aware of the ways in which their man could be reaching out to them. We are far more alike than we are different, and we can work to learn how to recognize when our significant other is asking to connect with us.
The small things
One of the ways that men often show that they care is through small gestures such as buying lunch for his wife, doing the dishes, or getting up with the kids. Sometimes women misunderstand that when a man is doing these seemingly small things, that is his way of telling his wife, “I love and cherish you”. Understand that there are times that as men we need to spill our guts a little bit and open up emotionally, but it is hard for us to do this. Men have been enculturated by media, parenting, and other means to be taught that danger, callous acts, and aggression are masculine, and that emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness. (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). Sometimes a simple, “wow, you look amazing,” is all we have the emotional capacity to share. Other times we will open up and explain how our day went and how we are feeling. If you are craving those emotional attachments, take advantage of moments like these. Ask good questions, and validate the emotions we do express. When women shut down the emotions men do express, it is a form of rejection, and men will become more closed off and emotionally unavailable as a result. Often a man will say something along the lines of “nothing” or “I’m fine.” When this happens, don’t give up (but try not to be too pushy either). Try suggesting something to him such as going out to eat or even just going on a walk together. When you have him alone, just listen to him. There have been several times when I have been frustrated with something and my wife and I go on a walk, and incredibly I open up more than I ever intended.
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Physicality
Men are naturally physical creatures. As boys we push, punch, and wrestle each other. This is not us being mean, but rather how we connect with our peer group (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). This need for physical connection and interaction doesn’t change when boys grow up to be men. The thing that absolutely changes is that men aren’t pushing and shoving their spouse. Instead, they might kiss their neck, give a bear hug, or want to make love. Men often need to connect physically before they are able to connect on a deep emotional level (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Furthermore, men and women perceive and interpret the same stimuli differently due to many cognitive and biological factors. What turns you on will most likely be different than what excites your spouse.
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Although preferences may vary, what it comes down to is that both men and women need and want intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through sexual intimacy (being invited to engage sexually helps men feel more emotionally connected), and women pursue sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy (feeling wanted and emotionally safe helps women feel more open to engaging sexually). These are complementary, not oppositional (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). Understand too, that beyond sexual satisfaction, orgasm can produce feelings of joy and relaxation, fostering both physical and psychological health. Sexual intimacy between two committed partners contributes to fostering bonding, closeness, and attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). I encourage you to be more intentional about the physical affection that you show your husband. And don’t feel like this just means that you have to have sex all the time. Even though sexual intimacy is very important, men need different forms of affection as well (Yes, I said men need affection! In fact, men need affection just as much as women do (Hsu, 2012). Little physical acts like kissing a man’s neck or rubbing his shoulders or feet are also great for helping him know that you love and appreciate him.
Side by Side
American men and women define emotional closeness differently, with women valuing intimacy as face to face communication, while men define emotional intimacy as doing something side by side (Fisher, et al., 2002). Last night I bought my wife a small bouquet of flowers I arranged myself, took her to a movie and back where we spent one of our first dates as an engaged couple. We then went home and made pizza, something we both love to do together. I could see in her eyes that she loved it and was very grateful. At the end of the date, I told my wife that she was amazing and that I felt happy when I was around her. That one simple phrase seemed to almost make more of a difference then what I had planned. I had spoken to the emotional side of her and connected to her and her emotional needs. In the same stroke, my wife really did love the date. It was my way of nonverbally saying that I love her and am happy when I am with her. Finding ways to connect while spending time doing something side by side helps foster connection, commitment, and affection, especially for men (Fisher, et al., 2002; Hsu, 2012).
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You love your big brute and he loves you. Understand that he might be expressing his emotions to you in ways you are missing. Find those little things that he is doing and try to see what he is really saying underneath it all. Show him affection and gratitude when he reaches out with those little acts of love. People respond better to positive reinforcement or praise as opposed to negativity. If you work on noticing and complimenting those acts of love, he will likely do those kind things more often because you are positively reinforcing him rather than rejecting his efforts as insufficient. Lastly, try to show him that you love him through his need for physicality. This doesn’t always have to mean sex (though that’s definitely a good option!). It can be as simple as kissing him on the neck or shoulder.
1. Find emotional or physical ways to address your partner’s specific needs.
2. Find an opportunity for you and your spouse to have a vulnerable, validating conversation one-on-one.
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “good-enough sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Mosher, D. L., & Tomkins, S. S. (1988). Scripting the macho man: Hypermasculine socialization and enculturation. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 60-84. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498809551445
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
