Love, Me

The Void — Reconnecting Part 1: Healing Ourselves

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Cover Photo by Yuvraj Singh on Unsplash

Written by Dray Salcido
“It’s funny how the absence of something is the heaviest to carry.” – Anushree Joshi
I’ve always had this emptiness inside myself. Perhaps you have too? There’ve been times when it’s just a faint whisper, and other moments when it’s all consuming. A couple of years ago I gave this lonely, longing presence a name: The Human Void. It’s that feeling of dissatisfaction that never fully goes away. That longing for something greater. It’s as if some part of you knows wholeness, but can’t seem to find it or maintain it long enough. Even if your life is fine, you may feel alone. Research suggests this is actually the appropriate response to an over individualistic and competitive society: it breeds disconnection (Hari, 2018). You are not broken, the world is. This emptiness can be hard to live with, but it does not have to be crippling. This article is part 1 of 2. The second will discuss healing our communities. This one will examine what the void can mean for us, and how we can become masters over our own darkness.
Photo by Robinson Greig on Unsplash
The void is a lonely feeling that surfaces whether or not you are actually alone. Loneliness is detrimental for overall health. One study explained that loneliness has the same effect on mortality rates as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015). According to Sapozhnikov (2019), unresolved trauma can lead to symptoms of heart disease, and obesity. Often, such prodromes perpetuate feelings of isolation that intensify the void. 80% of crisis calls are related to loneliness, and were highly correlated to suicidality (Heinrich & Gullone, 2006). And, in 1944 an, albeit unethical, experiment was conducted in the United States of withholding affection from infants. All the babies’ other needs were met, but most of them died merely because they lacked emotional connection. Essentially, loneliness is killing us. 
Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash
I impart this information, not to create despair, but awareness. If depression is so toxic for us, then why does the void exist? The difference between the void itself and its effect on us lies in the meaning we give it. The void cannot hurt us. We hurt ourselves when we make the void mean something is wrong with us. The void is there to remind us that something is missing. Perhaps an unmet need, or a call to authenticity. The void guides us to what we really want. The void challenges us to reach out and connect. The void is a reminder of our humanity. Now, when the void creeps up, I sit in stillness with it. I imagine my void is like a small child that needs something. Rather than scolding it for existing, I try to listen to what it’s saying. This is uncomfortable, but has also led me to my greatest joys because of the realizations I’ve come to by spending time in the void. This poem portrays what it means to learn from the void:
I hope I am not strong like I once was-
impervious to myself.
I hope I am now soft;
able to take sorry by the hand
and walk with it for a while.
Photo by Suleyman Naumov on Unsplash
So, how can we begin mastering our own darkness? The answer is simple, but difficult to actually practice: embrace the void. Stop resisting it and stop giving it meaning. We can’t hate away our problems. Just watch, listen and observe. Redefine your relationship with the void. Let it take you from hurting to learning & healing. Remember that the “truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one” (Doyle, 2020).
This week listen to your void. What’s it saying? Be patient. You’ve been resisting the void for so long that your subconscious might not be willing to trust it. Keep listening. Hold yourself. Tell yourself, “It’s okay for me to feel this way; this is the appropriate response to disconnection, lost dreams and a broken world.” Ask for help. Embrace the void. There is wisdom and love through the darkness.

References

Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Dial Press.
Drinkwater, C., Wildman, J., & Moffatt, S. (2019). Social prescribing, Bmj, 364. 
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Heinrich, L. M., & Gullone, E. (2006). The clinical significance of loneliness: A literature review. Clinical psychology review, 26(6), 695-718. 
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspectives on psychological science, 10(2), 227-237.
Sapozhnikov, I. (2019). Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression-and the Unexpected Solutions: by Johann Hari. The Permanente Journal, 23.

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me

3 Principles to Help You Become the Expert on Your Own Body

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Cover photo by Megan Markham from Pexels

Written by Kylee Marshall, Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
Let’s reflect on the week, shall we? How many comments have you heard this week moralizing food? (“I’m so good, I just ate half of my meal.” “Ugh, I’m so bad for eating this, but it’s so good.” “Cheat day!”) How many comments have you heard this week about weight loss? How many comments have you heard about hunger/fullness (“I’m so hungry, I haven’t eaten all day.” “I ate way too much.” “I can’t believe she ate all that.”) If you’re like me, I often found myself surrounded by comments about body and food that I didn’t like, and at times even participating myself. What if I told you it didn’t have to be this way? What if I told you that research actually promotes a different, more peaceful way of relating to yourself and your food choices? In this article I’m going to share a few principles that will help you find more food and body freedom.

Your Body Isn’t the Problem. 

So often people that have a rocky relationship with food and body work tirelessly to fix this by changing their bodies. People spend precious time, money, and mental/physical energy into shrinking, toning, morphing, shaping, etc. their bodies into something else. This makes sense; most people do this because they want to fit in and feel like they belong. Adjusting their body seems like it would be a way to get to this goal. However, not only is this not a very helpful goal in terms of getting to a place of peace with food and body, but changing one’s body doesn’t need to be the goal at all. This might sound too good to be true, but what if your body isn’t the problem? What if the way you THINK about your body is the problem? Stick with me here. 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Many people hope that if they lose weight, their negative body image will be lost with it. However, studies on weight loss and mental health have concluded that calorie restriction can lead to unplanned side-effects that are damaging to mental health, such as mood swings, increase in preoccupation with food and hunger, anxiety, social isolation, and emotional deadening (Dirks & Leeuwenburgh, 2006; Stice, Burger, & Yokum, 2013). Even those who participated in plastic surgery as an unrealistic method of feeling better about themselves often fared worse in the long run (Honigman, Phillips, & Castle, 2004).
Photo by Tim Samuel from Pexels
Instead of focusing on changing our bodies, it might be more important for us to work on our mental health. Eating disorders are highly correlated with mental health disorders. In fact, some studies show that as many as 97% of individuals with severe eating disorders have one or more co-occurring mental health conditions and around 66% of people with anorexia showed signs of anxiety several years before the start of their eating disorder (Tagay et al., 2014). Spending time with some of the mental health difficulties, emotional pain, and cognitive distortions that have contributed to the development of eating disorders and disordered eating patterns will be significantly more helpful for overall well-being than simply changing our bodies. 
I would argue that losing weight or changing our bodies is our way of attempting to fix deeper issues such as a desire to fit in, be accepted and loved, and to feel good enough. However, I would suggest that we need less fixing and more healing. We don’t need to fix ourselves or our bodies, we need to heal our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. This is not always a quick fix, but the results and peace are much more long-lasting.
Photo by Charis Gegelman on Unsplash

Learn to Reconnect with Your OWN Body.

Have you watched a toddler eat? It is so fun to watch littles be presented with many options and move through them eating what tastes good at the time. They typically finish eating when full and do not know principles of restriction, so simply eat what their body is asking for. We are all born intuitive eaters! As we age, we disconnect more and more from our bodies as we learn what we “should” and “shouldn’t” take into our bodies, what food is “good” or “bad” and learn rules about when to eat, how much to eat, etc. In my field as an eating disorder therapist, I see so many people who are looking to outside sources for how to control their bodies better. However, I would make a radical suggestion that our bodies are wise and we can trust them. It is the factors in society that have disconnected us from our bodies that we need to combat! From toddlerhood to old age, our bodies have built in systems to help us feel our hunger and fullness, ask for nutritious food that we need, and move in ways that feel beneficial and energizing. 
Photo by sklei from Pexels
Becoming the expert on your own body means taking time to get to know and understand it. Dieting is unhelpful in this process because it moves you away from connection and towards an arbitrary set of rules. Research has found that 95% of dieters will regain their lost weight within five years (Grodstein et al., 1996; Neumark-Sztainer, Haines, Wall, & Eisenberg, 2007). There are many potential reasons as to why this is. One might be that our body fights hard to keep us safe and healthy, meaning that it is hard to ignore and pacify our body’s natural signals for more than a short period of time. 
Instead of viewing your body as something to control and fix, try approaching your body and its signals with curiosity. My husband and I just had a conversation as I was writing this article about our day old Chip cookies on that counter. We talked about how sometimes we would walk by and eat a piece of cookie even though they were stale and hard just because they were there. This is a conditioned response to want cookies because they’re a “yummy treat” even though in that moment they were not so tasty. We can use this experience as information when making food-related decisions moving forward. I’ve also been on the opposite side of the spectrum, wanting to eat cookies but being governed by the idea that cookies are “bad,” and then getting very psychologically wrapped up in the cookie! Instead, if my body is asking for a cookie, perhaps I eat the cookie and move on. If my body is not asking for the stale, hard cookie on the counter, I can practice mindfulness and tap into my body’s signals and leave the cookie in its box. It’s not about food rules or dieting here, it’s about listening to my body and trusting what it is saying.
Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels

All Foods Fit!

As you begin the journey of listening to your body, try adopting the mindset of “all foods fit.” All foods can be enjoyed when our bodies ask for them! Food is neutral and has no moral value and so we don’t need to avoid it unless it is actually harmful for our bodies because of disease or allergy. If we purposefully cut out or restrict certain types of food, our bodies and minds go into deprivation mode and the scarcity mentality kicks in, leaving us wanting those foods even more! This is why dieters are 12 times more likely to binge than non-dieters (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005). When we allow all foods to be a part of our daily eating patterns we are able to better tap into our body’s signals, free of shame. In fact, being more intuitive and allowing all foods to fit actually has been linked to less disordered eating, better body image, and greater emotional functioning (Bruce & Ricciardelli, 2016). What does it look like for all foods to fit for you? What foods do you have rules around? How can you listen to your body as you allow them to more fully “fit” into your lifestyle?
Photo by Ella Olsson from Pexels

Conclusions + Application.

Woah, this is a lot of information! You might feel like you’re unsure how to apply some of these ideas. Start now by becoming the expert on your own body/food through one of the following:
  1. If your eating patterns are disordered or you recognize eating disorder symptoms in your own life, seek some outside professional help. These issues are really painful and often difficult (and potentially dangerous) to manage on your own. You are not alone. Find a therapist trained in eating disorders and reach out for one-on-one assistance A helpful website to find those who are best suited to help with your specific case is PsychologyToday.com. Feel free to reach out to me directly as well and I’ll do my best to get you connected to the resources you need.
  2. Allow all food to fit this week. Listen to your body. Does a burger sound good? Let’s do it. Are you feeling salad for lunch? Fabulous. Does pasta sound like it’ll really hit the spot? Let it hit the spot. Notice what your body asks for and honor it! Take note of how your body responds and what it asks for as your own personal research for becoming more in-tune with your body and its signals. Begin breaking away from the scarcity mentality. Let your body be the guide. Eat like a toddler this week.
  3. Read Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole or More Than a Body by Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite
  4. Pay attention to your thought patterns. Recognize and question your unhelpful thoughts about food and your body. Where did those thoughts come from? Are they true? Do they fit with your value system? Do they help promote your becoming the expert on your own body? Be mindful and remember that your thoughts are not always true!
  5. Open up with someone you love about struggles you may have in these areas. See if you can work together to better your relationships with food and body.
  6. Unfollow accounts on social media who do not promote healthy relationships with food and body; follow accounts who do. Here are some suggestions:
    • @diet.culture.rebel
    • @no.food.rules
    • @evelyntribole
    • @chr1styharrison
    • @balancehealthandhealing
    • @beauty_redefined
Choose one of the above applications to begin becoming an expert on your own body and developing a healthier relationship with food!

References

Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2012). Intuitive eating. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin.
Kite, L., & Kite, L. (2021). More than a body: Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.
Tagay, S., Schlottbohm, E., Reyes-Rodriguez, M. L., Repic, N., & Senf, W. (2014). Eating disorders, trauma, PTSD, and psychosocial resources. Eating disorders, 22(1), 33-49.
 Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2005). I’m, Like, SO Fat!.New York: Guilford.
Dirks AJ, Leeuwenburgh C. Caloric restriction in humans: potential pitfalls and health concerns. Mechanisms of ageing and development. 2006 Jan 1;127(1):1-7.
Stice, E., Burger, K., & Yokum, S. (2013). Caloric deprivation increases responsivity of attention and reward brain regions to intake, anticipated intake, and images of palatable foods. Neuroimage, 67, 322-330.
Honigman, Roberta J. B.Comm., B.Soc.Work., A.A.S.W.; Phillips, Katharine A. M.D.; Castle, David J. M.Sc., M.D., M.R.C.Psych., F.R.A.N..C.P.
Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery: April 1, 2004 – Volume 113 – Issue 4 – p 1229-1237 https://doi.org/10.1097/01.PRS.0000110214.88868.CA
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., &Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Neumark-Sztainer D., Haines, J., Wall, M., & Eisenberg, M. ( 2007). Why does dieting predict weight gain in adolescents? Findings from project EAT-II: a 5-year longitudinal study. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 107(3), 448-55

 

Kylee Marshall is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist at Balance Health and Healing in Lindon, UT where she primarily sees clients who struggle with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, relationships issues, and depression. She is also an adjunct faculty instructor at Brigham Young University in the School of Family Life. She was married last week and is enjoying life with her husband and mini-golden doodle pup, Frodo. She is passionate about floral and home design, ice cream, hand-lettering, lifting weights, social justice, acai bowls, and promotes healthy relationships with others, yourself, food, and body. She could also probably make you the world’s best chocolate chip cookie. 
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commUNITY

Exploring Racism, Unconscious Bias, and Systemic Racism

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Cover photo by Life Matters from Pexels

Written by Allie Barnes
We’re publishing this article during Black History Month, though it is not specifically about the holiday. If you’d like to learn more about Black History Month, here is a video by PBS Kids to explain the significance of the month.
The Healthy Humans Project Mission is “to empower individuals and families by helping them develop skills to create and maintain personal wellness and healthy relationships.” To create truly healthy relationships, we sometimes have to face difficult truths. That’s what we’re doing today.
Let’s talk about racism.
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In 2020, racism came to the forefront of everyone’s minds in the United States—reflecting what many people already knew to be true: entire groups of people are experiencing discrimination. At this suggestion, a lot of other people—myself included—became defensive. Reactions included, “Black Lives Matter!” “All Lives Matter!” “Blue Lives Matter!” “I’m not racist!” and “#blackouttuesday,” amid a wave of “cancelling” people who perhaps were not responding as their followers had hoped they would.
I absolutely had a view on the matter, but mostly observed and listened—I knew I didn’t have the understanding or eloquence to say what I’d hope to say. I still don’t. But I do have a better understanding, and a lot of definitions!
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The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines racism as “prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.” I used to view racism in a very clear cut way: Someone is either racist, or they are not. But as with many things, it’s not quite that simple.
I have since learned to break down racism into two categories: individual and systemic.
From there, I break down the “individual” category into two levels: racism, and bias. We’ve already touched on racism, so let’s look at unconscious (or implicit) bias.
Photo by Ralph Rabago from Pexels

Individual Implicit Bias

At the 2021 Davis County 3rd Annual Community Resilience Symposium, Dr. Susan Madsen offered the following definitions:
Unconscious: “Occurring below the level of conscious thought; not intended, planned, or realized.”
Bias: “A tendency, preference, opinion, or inclination that results in judgement without question (prejudice, stereotyping).”
Unconscious Bias: “Mental connections or associations without awareness, intention, or control.”
Implicit Bias: “A generally understood, implied, unconscious, and typically unspoken prejudice.”
*(I tend to use these terms interchangeably, but I believe that “implicit bias” assumes that there is at least some level of understanding, whereas unconscious bias is “without awareness.”)
As a human being, I have unconscious biases. WE ALL DO. Biases are often influenced by media, culture, or upbringing. We are influenced by what we see and consume, and often there is little we can do to completely control this influence—but we can practice awareness. When we recognize our biases, we can be more aware of them in our interactions with others in our families, communities, workplaces, and in any of our other relationships. When we are aware of them, we can also work to counter those biases (more on that later in the article).
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Systemic Racism

At a systemic level, racism is built into the systems, organizations, and traditions that make up our society. This is often influenced by the bias—and sometimes blatant racism—of individuals. The book How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi specifically focuses on countering racist policies, otherwise known as “systemic racism,” “institutional racism,” or “structural racism.” He offers the following definitions:
Racist: “One who is supporting a racist policy through their actions or inaction or expressing a racist idea.”
Antiracist: “One who is supporting an antiracist policy through actions or expressing an antiracist idea.”
Racial Inequity: “When two or more racial groups are not standing on approximately equal footing.”
*“Inequity” is defined by Oxford Language Dictionary as a “lack of fairness or justice.” To demonstrate racial inequity, Kendi shares the statistic that “71 percent of White families lived in owner-occupied homes in 2014, compared to 45% of Latinx families and 41 percent of Black families.”
Racist Policy: “Any measure that produces or sustains racial inequity between racial groups.”
Kendi continues, “By policy, I mean written and unwritten laws, rules, procedures, processes, regulations, and guidelines that govern people. There is no such thing as a nonracist or race-neutral policy. Every policy in every institution in every community in every nation is producing or sustaining either racial inequity or equity between racial groups.”
Photo by Steven Jones on Unsplash
In a Kennedy Center Lecture through Brigham Young University on February 3, 2021, Lori Spruance, an assistant professor of Public Health, stated that she takes time to research each policy before she votes on it, both at the local and national level. Many policies, she notes, do not seem blatantly racist, but still have aspects that may disadvantage certain groups. She shared about such a circumstance in Provo, Utah:
“In 2019, there was an item on the local ballot about passing a bond for the school district. The bond had several components to it but one included rebuilding [a local middle school] in a new area of town. The current [middle school] sits in one of the most resource-poor areas of the city, and the population of the middle school is 44% black, indigenous, and people of color, compared to the 26% statewide average. I could not in good conscience vote for this bill that would further divide inequities related to education… I spent time advocating against the bond and trying to educate some of my neighbors, who would have greatly benefited from the bond, about its possible effects on other communities. I encourage you to get involved, email your elected officials often, and let them know what racist policies you do not support. I think that is a great way to take action with Dr. Kendi’s words from [How to Be An Antiracist].”

What We Can Do

Racism can be subtle. Having not been affected by it, and having not been aware of it (both due to privilege), it can be easy to miss altogether. While much of the conversation has focused on the black community (and it is Black History Month, so we are also focusing on that today), many other minority populations are affected by racism, unconscious bias, and systemic racism. Recently, for example, there has been an increase in violence against the Asian American population. This is not okay—and I hope you already know that.
Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash
Here are some ways to begin unraveling your own unconscious biases:
  1. When someone shares about their personal experience or feelings, believe them. Just because you haven’t experienced racism or noticed it in your community, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. If someone tells you they have been affected by racism, believe them.
  2. Educate yourself. Seek to learn more about different communities and the issues that affect them. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, as long as you are sincere—and don’t be offended if their answers or responses go against your current understanding or experience. Seek to increase your “pool of understanding” (as the book Crucial Conversations calls it). Here are a couple short YouTube videos to learn more about privilege and social inequalities:
  3. Create change in your home, community, and nation. Professor Spruance gave a great example of how to be involved in your community. For much more information on systemic racism, I recommend How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.
Photo by Kelly Lacy from Pexels
We cannot change the world in a day. But by increasing our awareness and our ability to love and support our neighbors more fully, we can begin making meaningful change in our own spheres of influence.
*Note: In the original article, we recommended readers take the Harvard Implicit Associations Test (IAT). We have since removed that recommendation. We are grateful to a reader for informing us that there is a lot of criticism toward the IAT, even by the creators themselves. While incredibly popular (according to an article on The Cut, millions of people have taken the test since 1998), the IAT has been found to be unreliable and inaccurate. The test can still be used as an educational tool, but should not be considered a diagnostic test. It is still important to be aware of racism and bias—two very real issues in our society.
Choose one of the action items found above to incorporate into your week!

References

Kendi, I. X. (2019). How to Be An Antiracist. Random House.

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
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Project Parent

Supporting Teen Mental Health and Positive Risk Taking

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Cover photo by kat wilcox from Pexels

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Mental health among adolescents is a serious concern to many parents and professionals. Many of those who are now raising and training teenagers had a very different experience in their own adolescence. With social media, texting, school, and extracurriculars, today’s teens are never really “off”. The pressure to be seen as good enough, as belonging, but also as a distinct individual, is strong. How are we supposed to help teens balance all of this? 
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels

How prevalent is mental illness and risk-taking among teens?

We know that 50% of mental illness sets in by age 14, and 75% sets in by age 24. 40% of teens have had sex. We also know that about 10% of high school females report being coerced into having sex, and about 43% of sexually active teens report that they did not use a condom last time they had sex, and 1 in 4 female teens is infected with an STD, but most don’t even know it. Over 20% of teens report having binge drunk (having 5+ alcoholic beverages within a 2-hour span), and about the same number report having been passengers of an intoxicated driver. 10% report that they have driven under the influence. A third of freshmen report that they have tried marijuana, and we know that 90% of those using marijuana used alcohol and/or nicotine first. And here’s the really scary part: 20% of high schoolers say they have seriously considered a suicide attempt, 1 in 7 has developed an actual plan to end their lives, and 1 in 12 teens has attempted suicide.
With all of these terrifying statistics, how do we keep teens physically and mentally safe and healthy?
We know those fear tactics don’t work. We know this from plenty of research. They. Just. Don’t. Work. So what do we do?

Why do teens take risks?

The teenage brain is wired to take risks and to seek social acceptance and belonging. The need to be accepted by their peers is more than just “being a follower”. The teenage brain processes being socially adept and accepted as a survival skill. And when teens feel excluded or ostracized, their brains literally perceive that as a life or death situation. That’s why your teen absolutely freaks out if you take their phone away – you’re igniting their survival system. I’m not saying phone use should not be regulated – addiction to phones and social media is a very real thing, and we know that the more time people spend on social media apps, the more likely they are to experience low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, and to feel inferior to their peers. But when we are aware of how significant this disconnection is to the teenage brain, it helps us respond with more empathy, explaining the “why” and giving our kids other opportunities for connection.
Understand too that these risks are a part of why teens engage in risky behaviors. The need for peer approval is a survival need. When we help our teens surround themselves with peers that are good influences, and cultivate good relationships with parents, teachers, coaches, and other trustworthy people, we foster positive connections, fulfill that survival need, and mitigate the necessity to take risks. 
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels

We can help teens take healthy risks!

The reward system in teenage brains is also more sensitive – everything literally feels better to them: fries taste better, roller coasters are more thrilling, and winning feels even better. This is because the teenage brain releases more dopamine than the adult brain. Rewards – good things – just feel better! This is another part of why teens are driven to take risks. Surges of adrenaline and dopamine feel so good to the teenage brain. If we can help kids find positive ways to get these hormone surges, we again mitigate risk. Trying new things, developing talents, sports, dancing, performing, amusement parks, hiking, etc. When we find positive ways to trigger the reward center, we limit the need for risk-taking behaviors.
Teens with mental illnesses and traumatic experiences are more likely to take risks. Our awareness of these needs can help them participate in activities that will not only allow them to get these dopamine surges in other ways, but that will also teach them skills, boost their confidence, help them connect with good people, and encourage things like responsibility, work ethic, motivation, self-efficacy, sportsmanship, and emotional regulation. Activities like sports teams, dance, theatre, or a part-time job are just some examples. If you want more information on adolescent risk-taking, read Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe by Jess P. Shatkin.

Our teens need to get enough sleep!

Our teens also need more sleep. Studies show that schools that delay their start time by sixty, or even thirty minutes, have students with lower rates of depression, better grades, and better decision-making. Their students also get in fewer accidents. Teens also often fall asleep to blue light – their phones, TVs, laptops, or tablets. Viewing blue light less than sixty minutes before falling asleep disrupts REM sleep, leaving people feeling less well-rested. 
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Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

We need to be emotion coaches for our kids.

One of the most important parts of supporting our teens is through being an emotion coach. While most often we think about emotion coaches within the context of effective parenting, teachers, coaches, and other adults who work with youth can also be emotion coaches. Emotion coaching is essentially setting aside our own agendas to help children identify, understand, and process their emotions in a way that will improve their decision-making, relationships, and resilience. Emotion coaching does not mean we remove boundaries or discipline, but it does mean that our priorities shift from behavior correction to helping kids understand how their emotions and behaviors coincide, and how they can use their emotions as tools. Emotion coaching parents empower their kids and help them take ownership over their emotions and experiences, without dismissing or shaming them. Kids who are emotion coached have better social skills, are more resilient, are better at making and keeping friends, participate in less risky behaviors, have better mental and physical health, better immune systems, better relationships with their parents, are better able to resolve conflict, and are more successful academically. You can check out a few of our articles on emotion coaching and emotional intelligence here and here, but I would also recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Don’t delay getting professional help.

At the end of the day, if you think your teen needs clinical/professional intervention, don’t wait. A good therapist or behavior coach can go a long way. Some teens require more intensive treatment programs, even residential treatment. This does not mean that you have failed as a parent – sometimes our kids have clinical mental illnesses or traumatic experiences that are beyond our control. Whatever the issue, if you think your child may need intervention, don’t wait. Teenagers are so close to being adults – and if they don’t resolve some of these issues before reaching adulthood, it can mean lasting problems with their adult relationships, higher education, and/or career pursuits. When we delay in helping our kids manage their mental health, they take scripts into their adulthood of maladaptive ways to manage or not to manage that health. Taking further steps may sound intense, but it gives our teens a better chance as adults. We all know that it can be so much harder to manage our trauma, mental illness, ticks, and struggles as adults, now that the expectations and stakes are so much higher. Normalize conversations about mental health in your home. It matters! Normalizing these kinds of conversations can help our kids feel less shame about their struggles, feel supported, and take more ownership over their own mental health.
1. Have a non-judgmental conversation with your teen about their mental health. Practice listening, and avoid lecturing.
2. Find a way to engage in a positive risk-taking behavior with your teen. (In other words, get their dopamine and adrenaline up!)

References

Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sellers, C. M., Díaz-Valdés, A., Porter, A. C., Glenn, C. R., Miller, A. B., Battalen, A. W., & O’Brien, K. H. M. (2021). Nonsuicidal self-injury, suicide planning, and suicide attempts among high-risk adolescents prior to psychiatric hospitalization. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 49(11), 1503–1511. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10802-021-00830-z
Shatkin, J. P., (2018). Born to be Wild: Why teens take risks, and how we can help keep them safe. PENGUIN Books.
Stevenson, S. (2016). Sleep smarter: 21 essential strategies to sleep your way to a better body, better health, and bigger success. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples

Build it to Last

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Cover photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Written by Emma Smith
Dedicated to Professor Julie Haupt of BYU
In the year 2018, Americans purchased an astounding 17.3 million cars, making 2018 the fourth consecutive year that car sales exceeded 17 million (Lassa, 2018). In the years since 2014, over 68 million cars have been sold. With the population rounded down that still equals approximately 1 in 4 people trading in their old cars for new ones in the United States in only four years (U.S. and World Population Clock).
The purchases of a nation can give us a few hints as to the general attitudes and values of its members; the old adage “out with the old and in with the new” comes to mind when thinking of auto purchases. Those same attitudes are reflected in the state of the country’s marriages; the American Psychological Association reports that 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce (Marriage and Divorce). In America we are seeing an increase in both cars being replaced and marriages ending when they could still be potentially salvageable. 
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In our society many are indicating they value marriage and have a goal to be married at some point (2019; Popenoe et al., 1996), but when these marriages occur many do not last as long as the couple may have hoped. Marriage, the foundation of the microsystem in Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model, is the smallest unit and an integral part of society. Just like any car crumbles with a poor engine, society crumbles with failing marriages and families. Not only are marriages and families the foundation of society, but they are also an opportunity for a joyful life; we need to build our marriages to last for the good of our society and for our own happiness. So how can we build our marriages to last and find this sometimes-illusive joy in marriage? 
It is suggested by marriage and family scholars that there are three core dimensions to wholeness in marriage: 1) the spiritual dimension, 2) the emotional dimension, and 3) the physical dimension, and there is research to prove it (Busby et al., 2013). These three basic components, just as the cooling system, engine, and gasoline work together in harmony to keep a car engine running smoothly can bring numerous blessings to a marriage.
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Spiritual

The first dimension, the spiritual, has shown some interesting results. Whether it is an organized religion, a quiet faith, or simply a spiritual mindfulness, the spiritual part of each of us affects our marriages and can create a big impact (David & Stafford, 2013). For those identifying with a particular faith; religious communication between partners is directly linked to marital quality, especially if the spouses share the same beliefs (David & Stafford, 2013). From a simply spiritual standpoint, increased mindfulness is linked to higher satisfaction in romantic relationships (McGill et al., 2016). Somehow, there is something about connecting and communing with the divine, whether that be Deity or the divinity within each of us that brings peace and harmony to our marital relationships. 
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A specific example for these claims has also been found in the form of prayer. Couples that prayed versus couples who did not found that prayer assisted in their conflict resolution processes by lessening their feelings of contempt, enmity, and hostility towards one another (Butler et al., 2002). This same study also showed that prayer increased couples’ productive focus on the relationship and helped them to understand one another on a deeper level (Butler et al., 2002).
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Emotional

The emotional dimension is present from the beginning of any relationship. Every day we experience a host of emotions and that is how we connect with people. The desire to connect with others has been referred to as the need to belong (Busby et al., 2013). From the time we are born, we innately reach out to others for help in fulfilling our needs. Infants cry to be fed or have another need fulfilled by their mother or caregiver. As we grow older, we cry out in other ways for help in fulfilling our emotional needs. As spouses help us in filling these needs, we learn to trust, rely, and confide in them, strengthening our emotional attachment (Butler et al., 2002). Mother Teresa once explained, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” We can foster emotional attachment through taking care of our loved ones by helping fulfill their needs. This abiding trust and reliance is essential in marital relationships because it fosters love as well as the sense of belonging that we are all searching for. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Physical

Finally, the physical dimension. Physical intimacy is an exciting and fulfilling part of relationships and is particularly important for marital satisfaction. Research has shown that sexuality is so much more than sensations and an erotic experience, it is deeply connected to the spiritual and emotional dimensions and can be used to strengthen the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2002). While the way it is connected spiritually differs within each belief system, recent studies have shown that the most universally applicable connection is found in mindfulness. Mindfulness, or practicing mental focus on sensations and on one’s partner in a sexual experience, increases self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2019). Self-esteem is strongly related to sexual satisfaction in romantic relationships. Struggles with self-esteem can come from a variety of different sources; poor self-image, lack of confidence or security in the relationship, poor body-image, etc. The lower the self-esteem, the lower the predicted sexual pleasure and arousal (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). If we can embrace how we feel about our physical appearance, how we feel about ourselves, and increase security in romantic relationships, our sexual experiences as couples will improve. 
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In addition to integrating the spiritual into the physical dimension with our spouses, we need to integrate emotional connection into our sexual experiences. Relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson put it this way, “The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings” (Johnson, 2008). When emotional security is present there is a heightened sense of eroticism and joy (Johnson, 2018). The more we respond to our spouses’ needs the more emotional security will be present in the relationship. The act of love-making itself can also strengthen marital relationships. Physiological research tells us that sex is a bonding activity, or in other words; when we are intimate with a spouse, we strengthen our bond with them (TED, 2015).
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Most marriages begin with good intentions and start strong; they just need regular maintenance as cars do. Application of these principles can be simple; add an element of spirituality and discuss it; attend church, pray separately and together, meditate or connect spiritually in some way and talk about it together. Take the time to care for your spouse’s needs; being emotionally present and truly caring for one another through small acts of service, checking in with one another, or just spending real time together without distraction can greatly increase emotional connection. Let them know you are there and really be there. Be someone your spouse can rely on. Finally, be intentional about your sexual relationship and take the time to be present and connect emotionally with one another. Remove the distractions in your lives and be mindful of your own feelings and sensations as well as those of your spouse during the love-making process. Above all, explore these three elements of your relationship together and work together to strengthen the relationship as a whole.
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Marriages need strengthening and simple steps can accomplish that goal. Just like a car, if you fill it with gas, check the coolant, and change the oil every few thousand miles, it will keep running and running without any need to go buy a new one. If we want a marriage to be “til death do us part”, it’s up to us to keep ours running through routine and careful maintenance.
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.

References

III. Marriage. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. (2019, December 31). https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2010/11/18/iii-marriage/
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual: Clinical implications of religious couples report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30(1), 19–37. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/019261802753455624
David, P., & Stafford, L. (2013). A relational approach to religion and spirituality in marriage. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 232–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×13485922
Johnson, S. (2008). The Three Kinds of Sex: Dr. Sue Johnson. Retrieved from https://www.drsuejohnson.com/the-three-kinds-of-sex/
Lassa, T. (2019, January 4). The Year in Auto Sales: Facts, Figures, and the Bestsellers from 2018. Automobile Magazine. https://www.automobilemag.com/news/year-auto-sales-facts-figures-bestsellers-2018/
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Marriage and Divorce. (n.d.). Retrieved October 25, 2019, from https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/
McGill, J., Alder-Baedaer, F., & Rodriguez, P. (2016). Mindfully in love: A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 4(1), 89–101.
Popenoe, D., Elshtain, J. B., & Blankenhorn, D. (1996). Values, attitudes, and the state of American marriage. Promises to keep: decline and renewal of marriage in America. (pp. 28) Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9205-0
TED. (2015, July 28). Sue Johnson: The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
U.S. and World Population Clock. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.census.gov/popclock/

 

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.

 

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