Healthy Humans Project

Guest Writers, Power Couples

Attachment Theory and How It Affects Our Romantic Relationships

April 24, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Laura Parry, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory originated with John Bowlby in the late 1950’s. At its core, it is basically the assumption that infants form bonds with their early caregivers and that bond can serve as a template for future relationships. The theory was furthered by Mary Ainsworth who studied children and parents. Her work on the “strange situation” study formed the basis for three different types of attachment in children. Ainsworth’s experiment involved mothers and children playing in a room, the mothers leaving and later returning, then observing the responses of the children. The types of attachment she observed were:

Anxious-avoidant: The children showed little distress upon the parent leaving, and paid little attention when they came back. It was later found through studying the heart rates of the children that they were in fact experiencing some distress, but only showed indifference.
Secure: The child may protest when the parent leaves, but recovers. The child shows happiness in reuniting when the parent comes back.
Anxious-resistant: Children showed distress and clinginess even before the parent left, were distressed and nervous after they left, and continued showing signs of distress when they returned.

In the 1980’s, attachment theory began to be applied more to adult relationships. When talking about adult attachment we most commonly refer to the three styles as secure, anxious, and avoidant. Less often, people may be classified as a fourth type: a combination of anxious and avoidant.

Secure adults feel fairly confident most of the time that their needs will be met. They tolerate vulnerability and a range of emotions in their partnerships.
Anxious adults are unsure their needs will be met and thus demonstrate clingy behaviors in partnerships. They may want to be closer to people than people want to be to them.
Avoidant adults are also unsure their needs will be met and come off as indifferent or hyper-independent. People may want to be closer to them than they want to be to people.

What Is My Style and How Does It Affect My Romantic Relationships?

There are a lot of online resources and quizzes for determining your attachment style. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love also has a quiz available.

You may be mostly secure in your relationships but tend toward an anxious or avoidant style when a stressor is introduced in your relationship. Attachment style is not something that is totally fixed and can never be changed, but you probably entered your current relationship with a template of sorts. The relationship you had with your parents and your attachment or bond with each is part of that template; the relationship you watched your parents have with each other is part of that template; and your past romantic relationships are part of that template. Attachment is one piece of the puzzle in figuring out why you are the way you are.

By taking a step back and analyzing attachment, we can understand our behaviors and have an easier time changing those behaviors if we want to. For example, say I know I’m prone to an anxious style of attachment and my partner hasn’t told me lately how they’re feeling about our relationship, or about me. I might start wondering if they really care about me and call repeatedly until they answer, or start insisting they don’t go out with friends to spend more time with me. I’m worried my needs might not be met and anxious behaviors are my protest. If I know I am prone to an avoidant style, I might avoid conversations about my partner’s deep feelings, or just try to smooth things over instead of bringing up difficult topics. I might avoid letting my partner see the deepest parts of myself because I’m worried my needs might not be met and avoidant behaviors are my protest. Knowing these behaviors may be part of an old pattern can help me release the fears that drive them, and create a new dynamic in my relationship.

Is Attachment Something I Should Overcome or Change?

Attachment isn’t a moral issue, just an awareness issue. If you know you are anxious or avoidant it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you! It’s just good information to have on your relationship journey. Certainly we all want to feel good in our relationships and moving into a more secure style with our partner can be a goal, but it’s not a moral imperative. Some tips for creating a more secure attachment in your relationship include:

Openly discuss attachment with your partner and know each other’s styles. Create new language to talk about what you’re learning about attachment and why you act the way you do. For example, “That’s my anxious side talking!” or “I’m tempted to shove this under the rug but it’s probably not the best thing to do.”
Work your way through John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House with your partner. Investing in the foundation of your relationship will calm everyone’s anxieties about having their needs met.
Practice assertively asking to have your needs met.
Actively develop empathy for your partner, their needs and attachment style. Understand why they are the way they are. Ask them sincere questions about how you can meet their needs. Make the most generous assumptions possible about your partner and their motives.

Understanding attachment theory in your life and relationships can be very rewarding and validating. As author and therapist Harville Hendix has said, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” As we study attachment, we can access this healing for ourselves and our relationships.

Take a quiz to help figure out your attachment style. If you have a partner, you can also choose one of the above tips to practice together this week.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: a psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, N.J. : New York: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Cassidy, J. (1999). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Levine, A. &, Heller, R. (2010) Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin US.

Laura Parry is a licensed clinical social work in private practice in Lehi, UT. She graduated with a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Utah. She is certified in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMH-C) and also specializes in couples counseling. She lives in Lehi with her husband, 3 kids, 2 cats, and 1 dog, and when that’s not keeping her busy she loves reading, writing, and hiking.

Power Couples, Project Parent

Maintaining Your Relationship With Your Partner After Having a Baby

April 17, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong

Becoming a parent for the first time is an exciting new experience in someone’s life. When a couple welcomes a child (or children) into their world together, it can also test a relationship.

“At The Gottman Institute, where Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been studying relationship health for over 40 years, the research shows that 67% of couples report a decline in relationship happiness for up to three years after the birth of the first child. As the focus shifts towards the baby and couples spend less time focused on one another, romance and intimacy decline while depression and hostility rise. New parents need help finding better ways to cope and manage the transition more effectively. They yearn to enjoy their new baby and be happy as a couple” (Edelmire 2021).

In their book And Baby Makes Three, John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman discuss six steps for preserving marital intimacy after the baby arrives. Here are a few of those tricks — and a few of our own — that we recommend implementing in order to keep your relationship strong once your bouncing bundle of joy arrives:

Discuss Expectations

There are a lot of expectations surrounding parenthood, but as you approach this new chapter in your life, how have you pictured your partner’s role alongside you? What do you expect of them in regards to responsibilities? Are there things you have to do yourself? Are there maybe even things you refuse to do at all? Our first tip is to discuss what your expectations are, and, if possible, to discuss them before Baby arrives. (If Baby is already here, don’t worry! Now is a great time to discuss what you expected, and maybe how reality has been different!) It is perfectly acceptable to have expectations with how your roles as parents may impact your relationship, but it’s important to communicate those expectations to your partner, instead of just assuming that you are on the same page.

Additionally, we suggest learning more about attachment styles and pinpointing what your attachment style is as well as your partner’s. With “a combination of perspective taking and empathic concern for one’s romantic partner” (Rosen, Mooney, & Muise), you can help facilitate your romantic relationship during the transition to parenthood.

Learn How to Bring Up Problems

This could be its own article, but problems will arise in your relationship. They may be directly related to parenting, and they may not. The trick, according to the Gottmans, is to “soften how you bring up a problem” (Gottman & Gottman, 2008). Softening the start-up of your arguments is crucial to resolving conflicts in your relationship. It is healthy to fight or disagree, but there are ways to best go about this. You can complain, but the secret is to not initially place blame. Make “I” statements, rather than “You” statements.

For example, “I feel…” rather than “You did this…”

It’s important to be aware of your body language as well. What are you saying to your partner, non-verbally? Are you an eye-roller? Your body language could be tearing down what you are verbally communicating behind the scenes.

It all comes down to your approach: if you start out with criticism, your partner will likely immediately go into defense mode. Instead of coming at your partner with “You never watch the baby,” try saying, “I feel like I am the only one chasing the baby today.” Rather than lashing out at you, your partner will be more likely to consider your point of view and what needs you are trying to communicate to them.

Stay Good Friends

Being responsible for a tiny human being can put a lot of stress on a relationship. Sometimes it’s hard not to take yourself too seriously. But these new experiences as first-time parents should be cherished! It’s okay to laugh at yourself, and in fact, we recommend it! Did the baby poop on you? Laugh about it together. These shared experiences help create the foundation of a strong relationship. Besides, before there was Baby, there was you and your partner. That doesn’t have to change. It’s safe to assume that you and your partner are friends, or at least you were at some point. Don’t take things too seriously and maintain your friendship. Lighten up, and don’t forget that as a team, you are better together. Being a parent can be fun! You brought this life into your family together, and you should be able to enjoy that together.

Make Time for Sex

Let’s face the facts: research shows that new parents face a decline in sex and intimacy (Edelmire 2021). Caring for a baby that needs feeding every couple of hours, changing every couple of hours, soothing almost always, and, basically, constant attention, can make it hard to have time for sex. (Never mind the physical changes a woman who has recently birthed a baby may be experiencing.) If you need to schedule time for sex, schedule it. These are unprecedented times for your relationship, so your sex life may need to look a little different than it did before Baby arrived.

It is not uncommon for a decrease in desire for sex to occur as well. Many parents feel “touched out” or disconnected from their partner. Changes in a woman’s body can also lead to body image issues, which in turn can lead to less desire for sex. All of these changes can cause tension or frustration in a relationship. Whatever the reason may be, it is important to discuss these things with your partner. If they know where you are coming from, that is the first step to maintaining your sexual relationship.

Which brings us to this week’s Personal Practice…

If you are a new parent, or even just expecting, spend 10 minutes a day this week checking in on your partner. Remember, emotional connection = intimate connection.

What each of these steps we mentioned really boils down to is communication. Being able to communicate your wants, needs, feelings, interpretation of events, and even being able to discuss problems properly will help you to not only maintain your relationship but strengthen it. This new chapter of your lives is a sweet adventure you are taking together, and although it may seem intimidating at times, it is possible to enjoy the journey right alongside your partner.

References

Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). Romantic relationships take a dive after baby arrives (according to research). Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/romantic-relationships-take-a-dive-after-baby-arrives-according-to-research/

Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). 3 tips for couples to stay connected after baby. Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). And baby makes three: The six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Harmony.

Rosen, N., Mooney, K., & Muise, A. (2017). Dyadic Empathy Predicts Sexual and Relationship Well-Being in Couples Transitioning to Parenthood. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43, 543 – 559.

Van Scheppingen, Manon & Denissen, Jaap & Chung, Joanne & Tambs, Kristian & Bleidorn, Wiebke. (2017). Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction During the Transition to Motherhood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 114. 10.1037/pspp0000156.

McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.

Guest Writers, Single Souls

It Will Be Better When I’m Finally in a Relationship—Or Will It?

April 10, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

Written by Matthew T. Saxey, Brigham Young University

We’ve all seen the movie: prince or princess charming meets their perfect match. And then, wouldn’t you know it, together, the two live “happily ever after.” But real life doesn’t always work that way.

While relationships can bring many unique benefits, entering a relationship does not solve every problem. Unfortunately, avoiding the common ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mentality can be a challenge in and of itself.

A recent study suggests that getting married to the idea of marriage, or a committed relationship, can help form a foundation for a healthy relationship long before you actually enter into one (Marks & Dollahite, 2017). Here are three ways to avoid the “happily ever after” mindset and to help begin dating your future relationship.

Becoming vs. Finding

A popular phrase about relationships is that ‘opposites attract.’ Although it may be true of some personalities, researcher Jason Carroll has found that more often, we are attracted to people with a similar character (Carroll, 2018). But too often, Carroll explains, people approach creating a lasting relationship by seeking their one true ‘soulmate’ (Brooksby, 2020; Carroll, 2018). This focus on a ‘finding’ approach to dating misses out on emphasizing personal growth and development (Carroll, 2018).

In other words, by spending time finding a “soulmate,” we may not recognize or work toward becoming more prepared to be an exemplary partner. When someone focuses on becoming a better person even before entering a relationship (Carroll, 2018), they are actually improving—and you might say ‘dating’—their relationship before it has even begun.

Financial Management

Another common idea is that money makes the relationship: finding a ‘sugar mama’ or a ‘sugar daddy’ to finance your lifestyle is the ticket to a good relationship. Money does matter but not in the way that we often imagine. Research indicates that sound financial management—rather than overall income—leads to increased individual happiness (Spuhler & Dew, 2019) and relationship satisfaction (Archuleta et al., 2013).

If financial literacy and management are not developed prior to beginning a relationship, it may become more difficult to supplement healthy money habits once the relationship has begun. Sound financial management such as paying bills on time, keeping a record of monthly expenses, staying within a budget or spending plan, etc. (Dew & Xiao, 2011) should begin well before entering into a relationship. Consider dating your future relationship now by developing financial management through things like budgeting apps or learning and applying knowledge from reputable money management advisors.

Knowledge about Sex

Leaning from reputable sources about sex can help you create or develop healthy sexual attitudes. Without having healthy sexual attitudes, achieving sexual satisfaction in a marriage or committed relationship can be more difficult (Carroll, 2018).

In a sexualized culture with pervasive access to technology, consumption of pornography has become common. Data from 2014 suggest that 46% of men and 16% of women in the US between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week (Regnerus et al., 2016). And, unfortunately, this common pornography use can lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes (Brown et al., 2017; Nakai, 2016).

Another reason pornography use might be harmful comes from 30 national surveys that together show that when pornography use is associated with relationship quality, pornography use is almost always a signal of poorer relationship quality (Perry, 2020). To start or continue dating your relationship, avoid or overcome pornography by replacing it with healthy sexual attitudes and scripts. To do so, consider learning from reputable sexual health sources such as Sexual Wholeness in Marriage or A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex.

Dating—And Even Marrying—Your Relationship

As you focus on becoming—rather than just finding “the perfect person”—you may also start developing better financial literacy and management and cultivating healthy attitudes about sex that support your relationship. While addressing these three areas may be particularly helpful in preparing for a lasting future bond, progress in other areas might also be needed.

Consider taking time to reflect about what you might want in a future partner, and assess whether you yourself have or are developing those same things (Carroll, 2018). As you continue dating your future relationship, avoid the ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mindset. That way, when you do eventually commit*, you will be wedded to the relationship of your dreams as well (Marks & Dollahite, 2017).

* A note from the Editor:

I love Matthew’s article and agree wholeheartedly with his suggestions. That said, and Matthew agrees, it is worth noting that not everyone will get married, either by choice or by circumstance—and that is okay! Each person’s path is different. As I’ve made similar decisions in my life thus far—to become the kind of person I’d like to marry, to work to improve my finances, and to cultivate healthy sexuality—the benefits have been immediate. I hope to find someone to share my life with someday, but even if I never do, I am so grateful to have built a life I love for myself.

– Allie Barnes, Editor & Writer at Healthy Humans Project, Single & Happy 32-year-old Woman

Identify a section from the article that you’d like to work on this week. Single or not, we can all be more aware and knowledgeable about these areas of life.

References

Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2013.766296

Brooksby, A. (2020) “Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?,” Family Perspectives, 1(2). https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol1/iss2/6

Brown, C. C., Conner, S., & Vennum, A. (2017). Sexual attitudes of classes of college students who use pornography. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(8), 463–469. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0362

Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass. BYU Academic Publishing.

Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22, 43-59.

Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. New York: Routledge.

Nakai, K. (2016). A qualitative exploration on sexual scripts and sexual self-esteem among young adults with a rationale for a media-literacy program on pornography. Doctoral Dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Perry, S. L. (2020). Pornography and relationship quality: Establishing the dominant pattern by examining pornography use and 31 measures of relationship quality in 30 national surveys. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1199-1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7

Regnerus, M., Gordon, D., & Price, J. (2016). Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 873–881. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886

Spuhler, B. K., & Dew, J. (2019). Sound Financial Management and Happiness: Economic Pressure and Relationship Satisfaction as Mediators. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 30(2), 157-174. https://doi.org/10.1891/1052-3073.30.2.157

Matthew Saxey, who is receiving his B.S. in Family Studies from BYU in April 2021, is an incoming M.S. student at BYU’s Marriage, Family, & Human Development Program. When he’s not doing homework or working, Matthew enjoys spending time with his lovely wife, Brianna.

Guest Writers, Single Souls

The Importance of Being Willing to Engage During the Dating Process

March 20, 2021 1 Comment

Cover photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Written by Annika Quick, Brigham Young University

In loving memory of Dr. Julie Haupt, who inspired me to let this piece become more than just words on a piece of paper— “…more than just an assignment”

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

What do these statements have in common? A hesitation to fully engage in relationships. As a single college student, I have noticed that most young adults lack the desire, courage, and trust needed to engage wholeheartedly in romantic relationships.

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”

About a year and a half ago, I asked someone out for the first time, and I was terrified.

Before then, I had always left it up to boys to ask me out. Doing so made me feel safe and helped me avoid scary situations with unknown outcomes. In this case, I had just met this cute boy, and was worried that asking him out might make things awkward between us.

After about an hour of pep talks from my roommates while I paced around the apartment, I finally called him. Much to my surprise, the world didn’t come crashing down. In fact, he was really excited about my date idea, and the date actually ended up being one of the best dates I had ever gone on! That date led to several more and, though we are no longer dating, we are still close friends.

An essential part of engaging in relationships is being “[willing] to expose yourself emotionally to another person despite being afraid and despite the risks” (Bruk et al., 2018). I experienced this as I asked my friend on that date. It felt risky to ask him out; we attended the same church meetings and had just recently become friends. However, the risk paid off; fully engaging in the relationship helped me develop a deep friendship with him, and we created many memories that I still treasure to this day.

People may avoid taking risks because they are afraid of the outcome (Brown, 2012). That used to be me, and in some ways it still is. However, when moments of fear of the outcome overwhelm me, I like to ask myself: Do I want to live my whole life wondering, “What if I’d just asked him on a date?” or “Why didn’t I tell him how I felt?”

When I change my perspective from what I’m losing to what I’m gaining, risks become much less intimidating. When we limit ourselves while pursuing relationships, we miss out on memories that make life so beautiful.

If I had avoided asking my friend out, I might have spent that Saturday night at my apartment passively watching a movie instead of creating memories that I still love to look back on.

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”

If after going on a few dates with someone you keep the relationship in a get-to-know-you stage rather than venturing into a deeper stage, you may miss out on opportunities to form more meaningful connections with someone, even if that connection isn’t romantic.

Researchers from the University of Mannheim have found that, while we might think showing our vulnerabilities makes us look flawed, others find it quite alluring. This idea has been coined “the beautiful mess effect” (Bruk et al., 2018).

The beautiful mess effect suggests that we often view our own vulnerabilities in a negative light—the same vulnerabilities that others find captivating. Often, we believe that our own vulnerabilities make us appear ugly or broken, when in reality, our vulnerability might be just as beautiful as we perceive others’ vulnerability (Bruk et al., 2018).

Photo by AllGo – An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

While it’s important to let others see our true selves, we must be selective by only sharing our true selves with those who have the right to see us deeply (Brown, 2012). Being honest and vulnerable about ourselves to others does not mean we share every facet of our lives with everyone we meet or begin to date. Vulnerability comes through time and with trust, and we must gradually introduce vulnerability where appropriate.

Renowned vulnerability researcher Brené Brown invites us to “Let [yourself] be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen” (Brown, 2010). Your vulnerability—your beautiful mess—has a certain charm. Change the question from “do I deserve to be seen” to “do they deserve to see me” and let your beautiful “raw truth” be seen by those who deserve to discover it.

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

Often, people are scared to commit to a relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt (Apostolou et al., 2020; Bennet, 2019). This fear of rejection often stems from painful dating experiences in the past. Psychologist Ana Jovanovic has explained that “being in a relationship means accepting that control is not entirely in your hands as both people have the responsibility of making the relationship work. This is especially hard for people who have been hurt in relationships before. Exposing yourself to the risk of going through the same or worse pain once more may seem unacceptable” (Bennet, 2019).

Although committing to a relationship can be scary, especially if we’ve been hurt in past relationships, we need to understand that loving with our whole hearts means committing (Touchton, 2020). There’s no guarantee we’ll avoid pain, even when we love and commit with our whole hearts (Brown, 2010). Vulnerability requires a leap of faith into the unknown, and—despite the risk of pain—researchers have found that commitment in relationships often leads to positive effects, such as feelings of security, relationship stability, and greater relationship satisfaction, which cannot be experienced without taking that leap (Weigel et al., 2015).

Yes, you might get hurt. Yes, the relationship might fail. But, vulnerability is worth it because it invites the opportunity to experience more genuine and intimate interaction not found for the emotionally closed off (Bruk et al., 2018). “Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything” (Touchton, 2020).

Although vulnerability requires intentional effort, choosing to be vulnerable is the path to true connection. It’s the path to deeper, more meaningful relationships, and it’s the path to wholehearted living (Brown, 2010). Most, if not all, fulfilling relationships start off as someone taking a vulnerable leap; however, those in fulfilling relationships will all echo the same thing—the jump was, and is every day, so worth it.

Have you watched Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation, “The Power of Vulnerability“? Watch it this week, and think about how you can use these principles to strengthen a relationship in your life.

References

Apostolou, M., Jiaqing, O., & Esposito, G. (2020). Singles’ reasons for being single: Empirical evidence from an evolutionary perspective. Frontiers in psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00746

Bennet, T. (2019, March 05). Where do commitment issues stem from? A fear of being vulnerable, making the wrong decision, missing out, and being responsible for another can all play a part. Thriveworks. https://thriveworks.com/blog/where-do-commitment-issues-stem-from-a-fear-of-being-vulnerable-making-the-wrong-decision-missing-out-and-being-responsible-for-another-can-all-play-a-part/

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.

Brown, B. (2010, June). The power of vulnerability [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192–205. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000120

Touchton, M. (2020, June 15). How anyone can create a meaningful life with wholehearted commitment. Medium. https://medium.com/mind-cafe/how-anyone-can-create-a-meaningful-life-with-wholehearted-commitment-90822529724b

Weigel, D. J., Davis, B. A., & Woodard, K. C. (2015). A two-sided coin: Mapping perceptions of the pros and cons of relationship commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(3), 344-367. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514533765

Annika Quick is from Holladay, Utah. She is studying family science at Brigham Young University, with plans to become a marriage and family therapist and a professor. Annika loves going to the beach, exercising, baking treats, going on adventures with her friends, and traveling and experiencing new cultures with her family.

Power Couples

Comparison is the Thief of Joy…Especially in Relationships

March 13, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Thanh Tran on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees

From Mount Sinai the last of 10 Commandments was thundered: “Thou shalt not covet.” Christian or not, such a prolific statement has not been lost on the world. In fact, Christians are not the only ones who shun covetous attitudes. A famous Buddhist mantra wisely counsels, “Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time,” (Pikörn, 2021).

Yasmin Mogahed, a Muslim scholar based in the United States, is a specialist in spirituality, psychology, and personal development. She once wrote, “Be careful with wanting what others have. There is always a price. Perhaps God didn’t give it to you because he knew you wouldn’t be able to pay it,” (Unknown, 2020).

Even our justice system cautions us against wanting what others have. One of our fundamental laws cautions us to avoid taking what is not ours: stealing is a crime worthy of time in jail. Although in coveting we do not steal from others, comparison is a subtle thief, robbing us of what was rightly ours all along—Happiness.

If nothing else, such an ancient record as the Bible shows that comparison has existed since the beginning of time. It is human nature to measure what we have or don’t have against other people, and there is perhaps no time in the history of the world where that has been easier to do than today. Social media has opened wide the windows into other people’s lives and relationships (Nesi, J., & Prinstein, M. J., 2015). Hollywood flaunts pictures of seemingly flawless couples and movies that set an unrealistic expectation for what a perfect couple should look and act like. Even our neighbors seem to have it all together – and when what we want is so far out of reach it is hard not to wonder if someone else didn’t get the better deal (Aron, A., & Aron, E. N., 1986).

So, what are some practices we can implement in our lives to avoid comparing our relationships and families?

Remember that everything is not always as it seems.

Take a minute to think about the people closest to you—your best friends and families. Do they feel their lives are perfect? Sometimes those who seem to have the most are the least happy, and even feel the added burden of letting down those who think they are perfect. Think of those Hollywood couples who from the outside seemed perfect but who, in reality, were suffering in their private lives. This isn’t to say that every couple you admire is on the verge of divorce, but when you don’t have a front seat to their private lives you can’t know what it’s really like to be them. That accounts for both good and bad moments: perhaps some couples you see as mediocre are experiencing precious moments together that they haven’t bothered sharing with the world. Most of life’s most beautiful memories are not really post-able—they come by surprise when you least expect them.

The good life is not found, it is made

When I was a young girl I fell in love with romantic novels and movies, imagining all the time what it would be like to love and be loved, just like that. I never stopped to think that it might be a lot of work! Most of the people I love most are the people I have done the most for, and that kind of work is rarely convenient. When you are watching a movie you rarely see the mundane tasks that go into creating ideal circumstances, tasks like laundry, late nights, long hours at work, or discipline. These tasks, while not played to the Rocky soundtrack, often seem monotonous and uneventful, but they are what love is made of! Just remember, while you are working to create a better life and relationship, to stop a little and smell the roses. It is easy to look at someone else’s life and think, man, how would that be? The answer is, probably not like how you think.

Focus on the good

Much of our happiness in life depends not on our circumstances but on our perspective. Some trials and testing in relationships may also be an opportunity for growth. For example, when my husband and I first started dating, his car was having problems and could not be used. I had a car and offered to wake up early in the dead of winter to pick him up and drop him off at his classes. Usually, he was the one waking up early and picking me up, which he has continued to do since, but that act of service on my part made me love my husband even more! Sacrificing my comfort for him helped me not only to recognize what he had done for me, but also brought us closer together. Although we spent many cold mornings with a broken heater, I look back fondly on that time as a time of growth and happiness.

Remember the best things in life are usually chosen

Often, we look at possessions or status as markers of success, but the data actually shows that these things have little impact on overall happiness. What the data does show is that, although material comforts rid us of stress, the most important factors in happiness are loving relationships. Not beauty, wealth, status or even health! While those things are certainly not aversive, it is important to note that one can be happy if they choose to nourish the relationships they do have (Solan, 2019). Many things in life will happen without our choosing or control, such as loss of opportunities, jobs, declining health, and aging. But it is comforting to know that through it all we can choose to be resilient and to love those around us. While others around us may seem to have everything, remember that they too are subject to mortal life and will have plenty of unpleasant circumstances to deal with. Our goal is to deal with disappointment and failure as lovingly and patiently as possible and to help those around us to recognize and understand their own worth.

While there are many good things in life that we certainly should strive for, the best things in life that will ever come to us are not things at all, but people. Instead of comparing your relationship to someone else’s, be gracious. Remember that your close friends and family are doing the best they can and they need your love and appreciation so they can flourish. And when you notice someone succeeding, try letting them know. Life is hard on all of us and most people do not feel they are where they want to be. People in relationships, like individuals, want to know they are doing well. They want to feel their family is well liked and that their children are well raised. Remember that much of a person’s self esteem is linked to their relationships and seek to build others’ and your own. If someone is succeeding, celebrate with them, and remind yourself that you are not in competition with them. Relationships, after all, are about looking outside of yourself and building others up.

Do one (or both) of the following this week to practice “making the good life”:

1. Pay attention to the things you appreciate about your partner or another loved one, and let them know it.
2. Find a new way to serve your partner or another loved one.

References

Pikörn, I. (2021, January 11). Self-Love Advice From The Buddha. Insight Timer Blog.

Mogahed, Y. (2020, June 8). WISE Muslim Women.

Nesi, J., & Prinstein, M. J. (2015). Using Social Media for Social Comparison and Feedback-Seeking: Gender and Popularity Moderate Associations with Depressive Symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 43(8), 1427–1438. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-015-0020-0

Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love as the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. New York: Hemisphere.

Solan, M. (2019, March 28). The secret to happiness? Here’s some advice from the longest-running study on happiness. Harvard Health Blog.

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.

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Attachment Theory and How It Affects Our Romantic Relationships

Written by Laura Parry, Licensed Clinical Social Worker

What Is Attachment Theory?

Anxious-avoidant: The children showed little distress upon the parent leaving, and paid little attention when they came back. It was later found through studying the heart rates of the children that they were in fact experiencing some distress, but only showed indifference.

Secure: The child may protest when the parent leaves, but recovers. The child shows happiness in reuniting when the parent comes back.

Anxious-resistant: Children showed distress and clinginess even before the parent left, were distressed and nervous after they left, and continued showing signs of distress when they returned.

In the 1980’s, attachment theory began to be applied more to adult relationships. When talking about adult attachment we most commonly refer to the three styles as secure, anxious, and avoidant. Less often, people may be classified as a fourth type: a combination of anxious and avoidant.

Secure adults feel fairly confident most of the time that their needs will be met. They tolerate vulnerability and a range of emotions in their partnerships.

Anxious adults are unsure their needs will be met and thus demonstrate clingy behaviors in partnerships. They may want to be closer to people than people want to be to them.

Avoidant adults are also unsure their needs will be met and come off as indifferent or hyper-independent. People may want to be closer to them than they want to be to people.

What Is My Style and How Does It Affect My Romantic Relationships?

There are a lot of online resources and quizzes for determining your attachment style. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love also has a quiz available.

Is Attachment Something I Should Overcome or Change?

Work your way through John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House with your partner. Investing in the foundation of your relationship will calm everyone’s anxieties about having their needs met.

Practice assertively asking to have your needs met.

Actively develop empathy for your partner, their needs and attachment style. Understand why they are the way they are. Ask them sincere questions about how you can meet their needs. Make the most generous assumptions possible about your partner and their motives.

Take a quiz to help figure out your attachment style. If you have a partner, you can also choose one of the above tips to practice together this week.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: a psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, N.J. : New York: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Cassidy, J. (1999). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Levine, A. &, Heller, R. (2010) Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin US.

Maintaining Your Relationship With Your Partner After Having a Baby

Written by McKay Strong

Becoming a parent for the first time is an exciting new experience in someone’s life. When a couple welcomes a child (or children) into their world together, it can also test a relationship.

Discuss Expectations

Learn How to Bring Up Problems

For example, “I feel…” rather than “You did this…”

It’s important to be aware of your body language as well. What are you saying to your partner, non-verbally? Are you an eye-roller? Your body language could be tearing down what you are verbally communicating behind the scenes.

Stay Good Friends

Make Time for Sex

Which brings us to this week’s Personal Practice…

If you are a new parent, or even just expecting, spend 10 minutes a day this week checking in on your partner. Remember, emotional connection = intimate connection.

References

Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). Romantic relationships take a dive after baby arrives (according to research). Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/romantic-relationships-take-a-dive-after-baby-arrives-according-to-research/

Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). 3 tips for couples to stay connected after baby. Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). And baby makes three: The six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Harmony.

Rosen, N., Mooney, K., & Muise, A. (2017). Dyadic Empathy Predicts Sexual and Relationship Well-Being in Couples Transitioning to Parenthood. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43, 543 – 559.

Van Scheppingen, Manon & Denissen, Jaap & Chung, Joanne & Tambs, Kristian & Bleidorn, Wiebke. (2017). Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction During the Transition to Motherhood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 114. 10.1037/pspp0000156.

It Will Be Better When I’m Finally in a Relationship—Or Will It?

Written by Matthew T. Saxey, Brigham Young University

We’ve all seen the movie: prince or princess charming meets their perfect match. And then, wouldn’t you know it, together, the two live “happily ever after.” But real life doesn’t always work that way.

While relationships can bring many unique benefits, entering a relationship does not solve every problem. Unfortunately, avoiding the common ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mentality can be a challenge in and of itself.

Becoming vs. Finding

Financial Management

Knowledge about Sex

Leaning from reputable sources about sex can help you create or develop healthy sexual attitudes. Without having healthy sexual attitudes, achieving sexual satisfaction in a marriage or committed relationship can be more difficult (Carroll, 2018).

Dating—And Even Marrying—Your Relationship

– Allie Barnes, Editor & Writer at Healthy Humans Project, Single & Happy 32-year-old Woman

Identify a section from the article that you’d like to work on this week. Single or not, we can all be more aware and knowledgeable about these areas of life.

References

Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2013.766296

Brooksby, A. (2020) “Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?,” Family Perspectives, 1(2). https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol1/iss2/6

Brown, C. C., Conner, S., & Vennum, A. (2017). Sexual attitudes of classes of college students who use pornography. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(8), 463–469. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0362

Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass. BYU Academic Publishing.

Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22, 43-59.

Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. New York: Routledge.

Nakai, K. (2016). A qualitative exploration on sexual scripts and sexual self-esteem among young adults with a rationale for a media-literacy program on pornography. Doctoral Dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Perry, S. L. (2020). Pornography and relationship quality: Establishing the dominant pattern by examining pornography use and 31 measures of relationship quality in 30 national surveys. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1199-1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7

Regnerus, M., Gordon, D., & Price, J. (2016). Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 873–881. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886

Spuhler, B. K., & Dew, J. (2019). Sound Financial Management and Happiness: Economic Pressure and Relationship Satisfaction as Mediators. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 30(2), 157-174. https://doi.org/10.1891/1052-3073.30.2.157

Matthew Saxey, who is receiving his B.S. in Family Studies from BYU in April 2021, is an incoming M.S. student at BYU’s Marriage, Family, & Human Development Program. When he’s not doing homework or working, Matthew enjoys spending time with his lovely wife, Brianna.

The Importance of Being Willing to Engage During the Dating Process

Written by Annika Quick, Brigham Young University

In loving memory of Dr. Julie Haupt, who inspired me to let this piece become more than just words on a piece of paper— “…more than just an assignment”

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

What do these statements have in common? A hesitation to fully engage in relationships. As a single college student, I have noticed that most young adults lack the desire, courage, and trust needed to engage wholeheartedly in romantic relationships.

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”

About a year and a half ago, I asked someone out for the first time, and I was terrified.

Before then, I had always left it up to boys to ask me out. Doing so made me feel safe and helped me avoid scary situations with unknown outcomes. In this case, I had just met this cute boy, and was worried that asking him out might make things awkward between us.

When I change my perspective from what I’m losing to what I’m gaining, risks become much less intimidating. When we limit ourselves while pursuing relationships, we miss out on memories that make life so beautiful.

If I had avoided asking my friend out, I might have spent that Saturday night at my apartment passively watching a movie instead of creating memories that I still love to look back on.

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”

If after going on a few dates with someone you keep the relationship in a get-to-know-you stage rather than venturing into a deeper stage, you may miss out on opportunities to form more meaningful connections with someone, even if that connection isn’t romantic.

Researchers from the University of Mannheim have found that, while we might think showing our vulnerabilities makes us look flawed, others find it quite alluring. This idea has been coined “the beautiful mess effect” (Bruk et al., 2018).

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

Have you watched Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation, “The Power of Vulnerability“? Watch it this week, and think about how you can use these principles to strengthen a relationship in your life.

References

1. Pay attention to the things you appreciate about your partner or another loved one, and let them know it.
2. Find a new way to serve your partner or another loved one.