Power Couples

A Simple Fix: Developing Humility in Our Relationships

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Written by Emma Smith
When we were little, “please” was the “magic word” that unlocked the endless possibilities of candy, cookies, and a myriad of other highly coveted items in the world of a child. As we progressed to adulthood, saying “please” has become a habit (hopefully) for many of us. So, now that we are grown, are there still “magic words” that can help us to achieve our ultimate goals? I say yes, and in many situations these words are “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” 
While a potentially simple fix, apologizing and forgiving can be incredibly difficult. Apologies and forgiveness require humility which requires an absence of pride. Pride and humility are by definition opposites. Humility is defined as “the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc.” (dictionary.com). Pride, on the other hand, is defined as “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” (dictionary.com). It can be difficult to let go of this cherished mindset and view of self, but I promise that it is worth it. 

Potential Benefits of Humility

Several studies in recent years have examined the potential benefits of humility in relationships. The results of one such study suggested that when both partners in a couple are humble, both the partners reported lower levels of depression, less stress, and greater relationship satisfaction following a stressful event (Van Tongeren et al., 2017). Another study implies that when a partner engages in the relationship unselfishly, the partner is viewed as humble and the relationship is viewed as a good investment which then could increase relationship quality (Farrell et al., 2015). Viewing one’s partner as humble, whether they are or not, could also have a positive effect on the relationship. As many world religions uphold humility as a virtue, it then logically follows that if a partner is viewed as possessing a positive attribute, there would then be better relationship outcomes (Chelladurai et al., 2021). 
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Developing Humility to Benefit Our Relationships

These recent studies tell us that it certainly would not hurt to work to develop humility within ourselves for the benefit of our relationships. This then begs the question, what can we do to develop humility? As previously established, humility is held as a virtue in religions. I would suggest that one of the possible ways to develop humility can be found in a religious source, the Holy Bible. In Matthew 26:22, the apostles ask Christ a very important question when they learn of the future betrayal of their Master by one of them: “Lord, is it I?” 
I would suggest that we ask a similar question of ourselves when we encounter problems in our relationships. We can ask ourselves, “What is my part in this issue? Might I be at fault here?” Even asking these simple, yet important questions can help us change our point of view, thus increasing objectivity and helping us find truth more easily (Warner, 2016). Taking a step back and looking at the situation as a whole can help us see all the parts of the problem, rather than just seeing our partner as the problem.
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Learning to Apologize Effectively

Once we have asked ourselves what our part in the issue was and, ideally, recognize our part, then we can take a step towards our partners in love and apologize. We know both from life experience and research that apologies are an effective fix for injured feelings (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). What we don’t always know though, is how to effectively apologize. While the level of apology required will vary widely depending on the couple and the severity of the offense, there are some general guidelines to follow when making an apology. First, emotions should be conveyed and fault should be admitted (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). For example: “I feel terrible. I realized halfway through work today that it is our anniversary.” Then, state the apology and, if appropriate (read the room), offer an explanation (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). Continued example: “I know how much this anniversary meant to you and I am so sorry I missed it. I was so wrapped up in the project I had due tonight that I didn’t think of what day it was.”
Creating your apology around the simple guides of conveying emotions, admitting fault, stating your apology, and attempting an explanation will lay the groundwork for you and your partner to move forward in your relationship to repair the damage and hurt. It certainly is not always easy to apologize but it is well worth it. Research suggests that a well formed apology can aid in forgiveness, reduce anger, and help heal the relationship (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). 
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Focusing on a Repair Attempt

While a well formed apology is incredibly helpful in the healing process of the relationship, repair attempts are also important (Khalaf, 2021). A repair attempt after a disagreement can come in many forms. I suggest choosing the kind of repair attempt based on the love language of your partner. For example, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, then perhaps after apologizing, you can offer a hug, kiss, or another physical sign of affection to your partner as a repair attempt to aid in healing. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, serve them. If their love language is gifts, buy a small gift. Know your partner and know what helps them feel loved and this will greatly aid in repair attempts. 
As with most worthwhile endeavors, humility and apologizing are not easy, but they will get easier over time and with practice. When encountering problems in a relationship, take the time to ask “Might I be at fault here?” and when you are able to identify your part in the problem, own it and apologize. It may be difficult to swallow pride and admit guilt, but in the end, which would you rather have: Your pride, or your relationship?
Re-read this article and choose one of the questions (or think of your own) that will help you dive deeper into your own humility in relationships. For example, “May I be at fault here?” or “How can I make a repair attempt in one of my relationships?”

References

Chelladurai, J. M., Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2021). Humility in family relationships: Exploring how humility influences relationships in religious families. Journal of Family Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000860
Dictionary.com. (2021). Humility. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/humility.
Dictionary.com. (2021). Pride. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/pride.
Farrell, J. E., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., & Ruiz, J. M. (2015). Humility and relationship outcomes in couples: The mediating role of commitment. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 4(1), 14–26. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000033
Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of magic? The role of verbal components, anger reduction, and offence severity. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 18(2), 109–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028092
Khalaf, D. and C. (2021, March 30). How to Make Repair Attempts So Your Partner Feels Loved. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/make-repair-attempts-partner-feels-loved/#:~:text=A%20repair%20attempt%20is%20any,weapon%20of%20emotionally%20intelligent%20couples
Van Tongeren, D. R., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M. J., Edwards, M., Worthington, E. L., Davis, D. E., … Osae-Larbi, J. A. (2017). The complementarity of humility hypothesis: Individual, relational, and physiological effects of mutually humble partners. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(2), 178–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2017.1388433
Warner, C. T. (2016). Doing the right thing. In Bonds that make us free: healing our relationships, coming to ourselves (pp. 227–229). Shadow Mountain.

 

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Supporting a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

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Cover photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

Written by Rebecca Zundel, Brigham Young University
I’ll never forget the moment when Brooklyn turned to me and said, “Becca, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you.” 
First, I felt relief. Brooklyn was finally opening up to me about her nearly year-long challenge with an eating disorder. Then came hope—maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Next, love and a desire to protect my friend flowed out in the form of tears and hugs; I would do anything for Brooklyn. But finally, fear presented itself. Eating disorders were new territory for me. 
Although they were new to me, eating disorders are not uncommon. For every eleven Americans, one will face an eating disorder at some point in their life (Arcelus et al., 2011). That one in eleven may be a friend or family member, and watching them suffer with an eating disorder can be discouraging and frightening. However, you can support your loved one by learning how to approach them, seeking to understand eating disorders, and finding ways to assist in their recovery. 
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Approaching Your Loved One

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if Brooklyn had not told me that she was struggling with an eating disorder. I now understand that speaking up may, in a very literal sense, save a life. Brooklyn came to me before I ever built up the courage to talk to her about the changes I had noticed, but your case may differ. The following points may help if you find yourself needing to approach your friend or family member about an eating disorder (National Eating Disorders Association, 2013):
  • Be prepared. Realize your purpose in approaching your loved one, then set up a private time to speak with them. You may even consider rehearsing what you want to say. 
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  • Honestly express your concerns. Explain your concerns in an open and caring way without condemning or judging your loved one. One way to do this is to avoid “you” statements like “You’re not eating enough!” Instead, use “I” phrases like “I’ve noticed you are eating less.” 
  • Refrain from “simple” solutions. Avoid suggesting “simple” solutions to their trial. Telling someone struggling with an eating disorder to “just eat” is rarely, if ever, helpful.
  • Avoid stigmas and encourage professional help. Help your loved one understand that having an eating disorder and getting necessary help is not shameful. Assist them in getting professional help.
These suggestions can help you lovingly approach your friend or family member. However, they may react negatively at first because mental disorders affect your thinking (Zaitsoff et al., 2020). Brooklyn explained it this way: “While I was in the depths of an eating disorder, I didn’t want help because I knew that ‘help’ would mean potentially giving up everything that my disordered mind considered important in life.” Fear of receiving a negative reaction is understandable. I was afraid. But I now understand that I would rather face my fear than lose my best friend. 
Photo by fauxels from Pexels

Understanding Eating Disorders

After our first conversation, I realized that I had much to learn about eating disorders. While Brooklyn’s health was suffering, she didn’t have what I originally thought of as an eating disorder. Her eating and exercise habits were definitely disordered, but Brooklyn ate. Understanding Brooklyn’s experience with an eating disorder was my first step in supporting her, and the following steps can help you on your path to understanding: 
  • Do your research. Accept that multiple variations of eating disorders exist, and eating disorders are more complex than simply not eating. Eating disorders include any condition involving eating and other behaviors that negatively affect physical, emotional, and functional health (“Eating Disorders,” 2018). While Brooklyn ate, her obsession with healthy eating and exercise was still an eating disorder.
  • Listen to your loved one. One of your best resources for understanding eating disorders may be the person you know who is actually suffering with an eating disorder. Sometimes, their current mindset may not elicit helpful comments, but when they do open up to you, be ready to listen and learn. 
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
  • Seek the help of medical professionals. If a medical professional is assisting in your friend’s recovery, then seek the professional’s advice. They likely have insights on how you can personally help your friend. 
  • Apply what you are learning. As you better come to understand your loved one’s trial, be willing to adjust and apply the strategies provided by the medical professionals.
With the help of these steps, I learned that multiple factors affect the formation of eating disorders. Brooklyn’s eating disorder actually stemmed from struggles with perfectionism and anxiety. When I finally understood this, I was better able to support my friend in the ways that she personally needed. 

Assisting in Recovery

Later in the recovery process, Brooklyn helped me understand that having support in recovery is extremely beneficial, even for someone as strong and determined as she is. The following are a few of the best ways to support loved ones through recovery (Fleming et al., 2020):
  • Listen. Whenever your loved one talks of their experiences with an eating disorder, listen intently. This is not the time to discuss your own difficulties with body image or dieting. Doing so may actually discount your loved one’s struggles or trigger a relapse (Saxey, 2020). Instead, when they talk, simply listen and love.
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
  • Show loving determination for accountability. Some days, the love you show will simply include providing company or understanding. Other days, however, your love may need to consist of firm accountability. Help your friend or family member keep their commitments to steps of recovery, and do not enable self-destructive behaviors.
  • Remind your loved one of the joys of life. Brooklyn explained that an eating disorder is “completely mind-numbing. Life became bland and full of numbers and checklists, rather than the spontaneity and excitement that should encompass it.” Help your friend or family member enjoy different activities so that they can remember the joy of life.
  • Remain hopeful. Most individuals recovering from an eating disorder will relapse, face emotional days, and experience other challenges along their road to recovery (“Relapse and Reoccurrence”). This does not mean that hope is lost. Remain hopeful and encourage them to do the same.  
Recovery is different for each individual, but having support is actually one of the most consistent helpers (Linville et al., 2012). To support Brooklyn, I became more educated about nutrition and intuitive eating. I accompanied her to joyous activities and helped her navigate her eating disorder triggers. As determined as Brooklyn is, she needed support and so does your loved one. 
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Overcoming Their Challenge

The day Brooklyn told me about her struggle with an eating disorder was years ago. The Brooklyn I knew then was not the bubbly, care-free, and healthy Brooklyn that I know now. She still has her difficult days, but with the support of friends and family, Brooklyn recovered. Approaching your friend, understanding their experience, and assisting in their recovery can help your loved one as they face their own challenge with an eating disorder. 
One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the link from the National Institute of Mental Health to read about different kinds of eating disorders, the signs and symptoms associated with them, and what treatment options might be available for your loved one.

References

Arcelus, J., Mitchell, A. J., Wales, J., & Nielsen, S. (2011). Mortality Rates in Patients with Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7), 724. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.74 
Fleming, C., Le Brocque, R, Healy, K. (2020). How are families included in the treatment of adults affected by eating disorders? A scoping review. International Journal of Eating Disorders. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/eat.23441
Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K., & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: Perspectives of recovered individuals. Eating Disorders, 20(3), 216–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.668480
Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2018). Eating disorders. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353609
National Eating Disorders Association. (2018). How to Help a Loved One. NEDA: Feeding Hope. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers
Relapse & Recurrence. National Eating Disorder Collaboration. https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/treatment-and-recovery/relapse-and-recurrence/
Saxey, M. (2020). Empathy v. sympathy: Are my attempts really helping others? Family Perspectives, 2(1).
https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol2/iss1/7
Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., & Coelho, J. S. (2020). A longitudinal examination of body‐checking behaviors and eating disorder pathology in a community sample of adolescent males and females. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 53(11), 1836–1843. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.23364

 

Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.
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Love, Me, Single Souls

On Being Single: Becoming Your Best Self

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Cover Photo by Christina Morillo from Pexels

Written by Alyssa Carroll
I’m a 23-year-old college senior and I’m single. I am an introvert and I have a small group of friends. My last relationship was when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, I’m not sure it could even be considered a relationship, but that is beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am super single and 2020 definitely wrecked my already non-existent dating life. Most people I know are either married, in a committed relationship (and basically married) or they are super single. It is hard to meet people when you are an introvert in an extroverted world, and living in a pandemic this year has made it 10x harder. 
Modern society is of the opinion that single people are unhappy, lonely, and unsuccessful until they are in a romantic relationship (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). We all need connection with other humans to be happy and we all want to be loved, but just because you are single does not mean that you are cursed to a life of depression and lonely nights eating ice cream while you watch your comfort rom-com. It is possible for people in marriage or committed relationships to be severely unhappy and overwhelmed (Anderson & Stewart, 1994), and it is totally possible to be happy and successful if you are single (Card, 2019)! I’ll be the first one to admit that I am still learning how to enjoy being single, but I want to share three things that can help us singletons work towards becoming our best selves even when single.

Photo by Martin Péchy from Pexels

#1: Get to Know Yourself and Learn to Love You

When you are single it is important to ask yourself: “Do I like myself?”; “Would I like myself if no one liked me?”; and “Do I feel comfortable with me?”. You might feel uncomfortable asking yourself these questions because they are hard to answer! It takes time and effort to truly know and love yourself. Being single allows you to take the time you need to learn to love yourself and work on aspects of your life that you want to improve (Valentine, 2016)!
When you know yourself well enough to answer yes to those questions, you can become more confident and can better understand your purpose in life. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great resource for getting to know yourself better (Princing, 2018). I have been going to therapy for a while and through it, I have become more self-aware and more confident in who I am.
Learning to love yourself can be a painful process. Most of us have things that we do not like about ourselves. This is because we are human and we are not perfect. We all have weaknesses, and we tend to focus on negative things more than positive things (Goodman, 2021). You can learn to love yourself by realizing who you truly are. Personality or enneagram tests can help you discover more about yourself and see the good in who you are right now. 

Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

#2: Explore New Hobbies and Passions

Take advantage of this time to try new things and learn new hobbies or explore passions that you already have! Take classes on Skillshare, look for free classes at community centers, or grab a book on a topic that interests you. Tackle a new hobby in whatever way makes you comfortable, or push yourself to step out of your comfort zone! 
One (free) way to start your deep dive into new hobbies is to look up YouTube videos on things that sound interesting. YouTube has an endless supply of videos for literally any topic or hobby you could think of. I recently spent a few hours watching crocheting tutorials for beginners, just because it sounded cool to learn how to crochet. 
It is rewarding to learn something new, especially if you taught yourself a new skill! Hobbies enhance our lives and are a relaxing way to be productive. Developing new hobbies and exploring your passions can improve your general mental health and can be a good coping mechanism for symptoms of depression. 

Photo by ELEVATE from Pexels

#3: Be Brave! Do Things For You

Over the years I have heard many people say things like: “When I get married I want to buy a Vitamix”; “When I get married I want to travel the world”; or “When I get married I want to start a business”. Who said we can’t do those things before getting married? Be brave and do those things for yourself! You don’t have to put off buying a Vitamix until you are married. Yeah, it would be nice to put that on a wedding registry, but if you have the money saved up, go ahead and splurge on it for yourself! 
There are a myriad of things you can do to be brave and do something for you. You can move to that different state that has your dream job. You can go on your bucket list trip alone (or with friends—either way, make sure you are being safe!). You can take yourself out to dinner. You can go to graduate school. You can write a book. You can start that business. 
There is a fine line between doing things for you and being selfish. We, unfortunately, do have to have some sense of responsibility and maturity as adults, but the world is your oyster and you don’t have to wait to be in a serious relationship to do the things that you have always wanted to do. Time spent on yourself is never time wasted.

Photo by Mateusz Sałaciak from Pexels

Conclusion

Don’t put pressure on yourself for being single! It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed about your eternal singlehood when everyone around you is getting married or going on five dates a week. Learning to live your best life while you are single will increase your self-worth which will benefit you now and in the future stages of your life.
Single or not, it’s never the wrong time to work toward becoming our best selves! Choose one of the above points to work on this week: Get to know and love yourself, explore new hobbies and passions, or be brave and do something for you!

References 

Anderson, C., & Stewart, S. (1994).  Flying solo: Single women in midlife. New York: W. W. Norton. 
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation Vol. 117. Psychological Bulletin.  
Cannon, M. (2017, July 17). How hobbies can booth your mental health and help fight depression. The Crafty Jackalope, Shopify. https://www.thecraftyjackalope.com/blogs/the-inspiration-place/how-hobbies-can-boost-your-mental-health-and-help-fight-depression-click-here-to-comment
Card, R. (2019, July 29). Picking your tile and other fun things about being single in adulthood. Q.NOOR, October Ink. https://qnoor.com/blogs/news/picking-your-tile-and-other-fun-things-about-being-single
ColumbiaAbAdmin. (2018, December 12). Life of a student: The importance of having a hobby. Columbia College at Calgary. https://www.columbia.ab.ca/the-importance-of-having-a-hobby/#:~:text=Hobbies%20give%20you%20an%20opportunity,risk%20of%20depression%20and%20dementia.
Goodman, W. LMFT [@sitwithwhit]. (2021, February 3). We struggle with being positive because the human brain is more likely to: remember traumatic experiences more than positive ones [Photograph]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CK2V2-MDWdM/
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved February 4, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cognitive%20behavioral%20therapy
Princing, M. (2018, July 16). These at-home cognitive behavioral therapy tips can help ease your anxieties. Right as Rain, UW Medicine. https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/these-home-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-tips-can-help-ease-your-anxieties#:~:text=CBT%20is%20a%20form%20of,order%20to%20ease%20your%20distress.
TEDx Talks. (2013, September 13). Owning Alone: conquering your fear of being solo: Teresa Rodriguez at TEDxWilmington [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EZVwRQHiaM
TEDx Talks. (2018, July 19). What a time to be alone! Releasing the fear of being alone [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=babcNWX64yM&list=LL&index=1&t=560s
Valentine, T. (2016, January 15). How to be single and love it. FamilyToday. https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-be-single-and-love-it/
Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC). (2017, March 22). 8 ways to be a more confident person. Success. https://www.success.com/8-ways-to-be-a-more-confident-person/

 

Alyssa Carroll is from Highland, Utah. She is an undergraduate student at BYU studying Human Development and Family Studies. She enjoys learning about sexual mindfulness and healthy communication in dating and marriage relationships. She is passionate about helping emerging adults develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality, and she strives to be an advocate for mental health. In her spare time, she loves reading, watching movies, and going out to eat.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Project Parent

How to Avoid Pulling Your Hair Out in the Transition to Motherhood: Pandemic Edition

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Cover Photo by Julien Pouplard on Unsplash 

Written by Natalie Burgess, Brigham Young University
A wail sounds from my baby in the bassinet next to me for what must be the fifth time in the past few hours. Rather than reach into her bed, I run, sobbing, into the living room.
“I just can’t do it!” I cry as I curl into a ball on the couch. My husband comes to my side, allowing our baby to cry for a few minutes before calming her. He is handling this moment better than I am—or at least he is good at faking it.
This first night home from the hospital with my newborn marked the beginning of many sleepless nights during which my husband and I woke up anywhere from every thirty minutes to two hours at a time to feed, change, and comfort our daughter. Still recovering from the birth—exhausted, hormonal, and depleted—I felt miserable at times.
Any new mother may find a bit of herself in this memory. Add a worldwide pandemic with its additional health concerns and frequent isolation and the difficulties seem to be magnified. This experience drove me to understand what new mothers are experiencing during this time and how loved ones can help.
Photo by Richard Jaimes on Unsplash

Altered Preparations for Birth

Amidst the closures, business shutdowns, and citizens donning masks around the world in an attempt to squash the COVID-19 pandemic, babies will still be born, and parents must alter the way they prepare and care for their new infants. The coronavirus is adding additional stress and difficulty to a time that is already overwhelming (Ollivier et al., 2021).
With COVID-19 thriving in the United States, many expectant mothers face canceled birthing classes, fears of not having a support person in the delivery room, canceled baby showers, loss of employment and maternity leave, potential sickness, and a subsequent increase in the rate of depression and anxiety (Lebel et al., 2020). 

Increase of Difficulties Due to Social Isolation

In this transition to motherhood, mothers tend to appreciate extra help and support others may offer (Ollivier et al., 2021; Negron et al., 2013), which support may allow her to take a nap, shower, spend time alone with her significant other, and may also provide someone to talk to. This support is vital as it can also help ease the burden a new mother may feel and provide a soundboard for discussing surprises or unmet expectations she may experience. 
However, “the COVID-19 pandemic has impacted pregnant and postpartum women immensely; mostly through breakdown of support systems” says Dr. Daniel Roshan (Perry, 2020).
Photo by Katie Emslie on Unsplash
In normal circumstances, some mothers may fight the ‘baby blues’ and postpartum mood disorders such as depression, anxiety, and OCD (Miller et al., 2015; Ollivier et al., 2021). During the pandemic, mothers may also face increased social isolation, which for many means not seeing parents or other support persons (Negron et al., 2013; Ollivier et al., 2021). They may also experience extra mom-shaming on social media due to polarized opinions about infant safety from friends and relatives who—in normal circumstances—would congratulate and help them.
Mothers may also feel a sense of guilt and impending doom in bringing a new baby into such an uncertain time in which the consequences of a newborn’s contraction of COVID-19 are unknown. In the midst of these added pressures, new mothers must be brave and resilient in the face of these adjusted circumstances. Women have overcome difficult circumstances for thousands of years—now is another opportunity to show forth strength and courage.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Reduce Isolation and Increase Self-Care

During this time, mothers can find comfort in practicing self-care, reaching out to others for support, and adjusting expectations. The following are a few practical ideas that may help.
  • Find ways to reach out and connect (Perry, 2020). Consider joining Facebook groups, participating in Instagram live, joining a support group, or listening to therapist podcasts (Olliver et al., 2021; Shortsleeve, 2020).
  • Visit your obstetrician—even if it is before the 6-week postpartum appointment. Mental health is just as integral to your recovery as your physical health, and doctors can help. If in-person appointments are out of the question, then take advantage of online appointments (or telemedicine).
  • “Social bubble” with other new parents or extended family. This term refers to two or three families who gather with one another but maintain strict quarantine and social distancing rules with all others (Perry, 2020).
  • Lighten the load by using a food-delivery service and doing some self-care while the baby is sleeping.
  • Assign different spaces in your home to different purposes; having one space as a “baby-free” zone can help you relax and feel like an individual rather than just the family cow.
Photo by Richard Jaimes on Unsplash

Some Help You Can Provide a New Mother

Friends and relatives can let the new mother know that although she is spending much of her energy taking care of a baby, she herself is cared for, supported, and taken care of. Here are a few practical ways to support a new mother.
  • If you know a new mom (Shortsleeve, 2020), try asking her how she is doing rather than just asking about the baby. She likely predominantly gets questions about her child.
  • Send the new mom a gift or order her favorite meal. Keep in mind what may not be appropriate given her recent delivery. For example, a mom might appreciate some sparkling apple cider but not be able to use bath salts if she is still bleeding from childbirth.
  • Text her something uplifting each day. Sometimes an uplifting quote or “you can do this!” can go a long way.
  • Set up a virtual gathering. You can also participate in a social bubble and offer to watch the baby for a few hours or even take a night shift so she can rest or spend time with her significant other.
  • Lastly, without invalidating her struggles, let the new mom know that although the transition is hard—seeing her newborn baby smile at her for the first time, laugh, learn to walk, and grow up (and learn to sleep through the night) makes the struggle truly worth enduring.
Although the COVID-19 pandemic has put a strain on many people, new moms experience added pressures in an already tricky transition. If those around her are aware of these struggles and seek to help her, those pressures can be eased, and this time can become one of joy.
Reach out to a new mom in your life to check in. Consider using one of the suggestions above to offer support.

References

Lebel, C., MacKinnon, A., Bagshawe, M., Tomfohr-Madsen, L., & Giesbrecht, G. (2020). Elevated depression and anxiety symptoms among pregnant individuals during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Affective Disorders, 277, 5–13. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2020.07.126
Miller, E.S., Hoxha, D., Wisner, K.L., Gossett, D. R. (2015). The impact of perinatal depression on the evolution of anxiety and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Arch Womens Ment Health. 18, 457–461 https://doi.org/10.1007/s00737-014-0476-x
Negron, R., Martin, A., Almog, M., Balbierz, A., Howell, E. A. (2013). Social support during the postpartum period: Mothers’ views on needs, expectations, and mobilization of support. Maternal and Child Health Journal, 17(4), 616-623. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10995-012-1037-4
Ollivier, R., Aston, D. M., Price, D. S., Sim, D. M., Benoit, D. B., Joy, D. P., Iduye, D., & Nassaji, N. A. (2021). Mental health & Parental concerns during COVID-19: The experiences of new mothers amidst social isolation. Midwifery, 94, N.PAG. https://doi-org/10.1016/j.midw.2020.102902
Perry, C. (2020, July 28). COVID-19 is increasing risk of anxiety, depression in new moms. Verywell Family. 
Shortsleeve, C. (2020, May 18). New moms are struggling more than ever during the pandemic-here’s how to help yourself and others. Parents. 

 

Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
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commUNITY, Mental Notes

The Void — Reconnecting Part 2: Healing Together

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Cover Photo by Mental Health America (MHA) from Pexels

Written by Dray Salcido
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.” –Jane Goodall
There’s a great discrepancy in human behavior. When asked, “what is most important to you?” most of us give responses relative to people and deeper meanings. “My children, my friends, my partner”, or “I’d like to make a difference in the world, to engage in important work, to help other people”, etc. When our actions don’t align with these values, we suffer emotionally and mentally. This is called cognitive dissonance. Understanding the way through cognitive dissonance and into heartful living may be the most important work we will do. Part 1 of this article discussed learning to accept our personal stories. To sit with ourselves and be okay with the inevitable, lonely times life brings is the first step toward wholeness. This second part of understanding the void explains that once you’ve taken that step of belonging to yourself, then you’ll generate authentic connections with those around you. Healing our inner worlds will prepare us to heal our communities as well. 

Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels

Don’t Wait

Don’t wait for an easy fix out of emotional pain. There is a subtle difference between learned helplessness and vulnerability. Helplessness likes to play the victim, while vulnerability acknowledges what’s difficult, but true. Some of us confuse connection for codependency (Bacon et al., 2020). Acknowledge that to heal together and build thriving communities, we must first work on ourselves. The paradox is that the more you individualize your healing journey the more truly connected you’ll become to other people. You cannot displace your discomfort on others and call that connection or love. It’s avoiding accountability. It is selfish and prideful. Keep ownership of your struggles, and still ask for love and support—not for someone to take care of you. Don’t expect others to know how to respond. It would be nice if all people knew what to say, but the reality is they don’t. People are clumsy with uncomfortable topics and emotions. We have a lot of socialization to unlearn…so be patient with yourself and others. Time and effort will heal your pain. Find people that will cheer you on, or be a shoulder to cry on when the going gets rough. Don’t seek those that will try to take your pain from you, or keep you from suffering. Struggle is necessary, but we don’t have to do it alone.

Photo by Cliff Booth from Pexels

Give Back

According to Summerfield (2012), mental health can be more of a social issue than a medical one. He tells the story of a Cambodian farmer who became depressed after he’d lost his leg from a land mine explosion, and had to stop working in the rice fields. Upon recognizing his despondency, his neighbors and doctors comforted him and talked through his struggles. Together his community developed a plan to provide him a cow, so he could become a dairy farmer. The man’s despair eventually subsided because of the love he felt from his people, and when he found new purpose and meaningful work. We can learn three things from the story of this man. 
1) Listen. Show sincere care for people in their struggles, and comfort them. 
2) It takes effort and mental exertion to overcome our emotional struggles, or to work through grief. 
3) We are stronger together than we are apart.
Remember that giving of your attention and care is about the other person(s), not you. If you give with the expectation of receiving, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Not to mention your love is conditional. Help others because you love them and because it feels good to give. 

Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels

Be You

Remember that there’s no one else like you. Shed the facade. Realize that you can’t do this work with a mask on. Humans have amazing, built in BS detectors. Stop lying to yourself and others, and just own your strengths and weaknesses. 
Connection and community are impossible when approached from the realm of fakeness (Hari, 2018). Have you made attempts for connection but still feel lonely? It could be that you’re not being real or authentic. This will also take practice. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, ask trusted loved ones to shed some light on their perspective of you. This is a good starting point to authenticity, but remember that no matter what others say, you have to find that in yourself more than anything.
In conclusion, when we accept our own voids and the messiness of life then we’re ready to connect. Healing together requires many people choosing to heal themselves independently and loving each other for it. The best communities are built up of selfless yet self aware individuals with passions and dreams to do good. Be patient. Reach out and maintain accountability. Humans are social creatures that were never meant to be alone. You can do this important work, and inspire others to do the same.
This week get involved in the community. Try something that makes you uncomfortable. Become a volunteer at an agency with a population that you’d like to understand better. Take risks. Serve the homeless, volunteer with refugees, become a mentor, a tutor, etc. Do something that’s not about you, and you’ll find yourself in the process. Start and then keep trying to create vulnerable conversations. Be honest about your feelings, and avoid blaming. Remember: you’ll mess up and question yourself. Authentic communication takes time.

References

Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18(3), 754-771.
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Summerfield, D. (2012). Afterword: Against “global mental health”. Transcultural psychiatry, 49(3-4), 519-530.

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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