I sat down months ago and began to write a post titled #relationshipgoals – An article for the new year to inspire us all to set goals to improve our relationships. The title was nothing more than a clever idea I had pulled from a hashtag I had seen many times on social media. The more I looked into the hashtag, however, the less it seemed to fit with the mission and purpose of the Healthy Humans Project.
I’ve since learned that #relationshipgoals or #goals are both used all over the internet by people looking at a snapshot into the life of someone else – and wanting that for themselves. It goes beyond just wanting, though. In many of these instances, the attitude behind the hashtag is more of a focus on what we lack as opposed to what we would like to become in our relationships.
(It’s easy to look at photos like these and blame the publisher for the way it makes us feel about ourselves and our relationships. This is not fair. It is not their fault when we are the ones following and comparing ourselves to them.)
Comparison: The Thief of Joy
If you are involved in the world of instagrammer and blogger “influencers,” you may have noticed a change in the conversation over the last week. Influencers from all over are looking at the rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in the United States and are starting to look inward to see how the perceived life of perfection portrayed in their feed might be adding to the negativity epidemic.
Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
A call for awareness and greater authenticity has been ringing through my instagram feed over the last 4 days, and it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. The realization is this: Instagram, blogs and other social media platforms have become a place of showcasing snapshots of our best angles, our funniest stories, the cleanest areas of our houses, and the best moments in our relationships. From the outside looking in, the 5% “reality” we see on social media is the epitome of perfection; and when compared with what we see in our own 100% reality, our lives are ALWAYS going to fall short. Every. Single. Time. Can you see how this might be detrimental?
Some adults have the skill and ability to be able to make the distinction and utilize the inspiration of others in healthy ways. But based on the numbers we see and the effects of mainstream media, the unfortunate reality we are facing must be that more and more of us every day can not make the distinction between the 5% and our 100%. We are falling victim to the effects of what I like to call the “instagram epidemic”. The impact on individuals can be life threatening (recent findings by researcher Dr. Jean Twenge have shown that there was a 50% increase in clinical depression between 2011 and 2015, and a substantial increase in child, teen, and young adult suicide rates), and the impact on relationships may be just as bad.
3 Ways to Protect Yourself From The Epidemic:
1. Unfollow Go through your social media and unfollow any account that makes you feel less about yourself, your life, or your relationship. It is easy to place blame on outside sources for our own lack of judgement. The truth of the matter is that the power is in YOUR hands. Only YOU can control your happiness.
Photo by Tomos Kay Photography
2. Gratitude Start everyday with gratitude for the things you do have. A practice of daily gratitude can completely change your mental state from a focus on where you fall short to a focus on how blessed you are to have what you have.
Photo by Positive Republic
3. Try Don’t be afraid to try new things… especially things you think you may fail at. Just because you see someone doing something perfectly on social media, doesn’t mean they always did it that way.
They may look like this now,
but at one point they probably looked like this and may have actually peed a little bit in the process too.
The bottom line is this… life is to be enjoyed and not just endured. You have to power to cut out the negative, to focus on the positive, and to combat fear of failure by trying new things.
Fardouly, J., Diedrichs, P. C., Vartanian, L. R., & Halliwell, E. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image, 13, 38–45. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.12.002
Hanley, S. M., Watt, S. E., & Coventry, W. (2019). Taking a break: The effect of taking a vacation from Facebook and Instagram on subjective well-being. PLoS ONE, 14(6). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0217743
Sherlock, M., & Wagstaff, D. L. (2019). Exploring the relationship between frequency of Instagram use, exposure to idealized images, and psychological well-being in women. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 8(4), 482–490. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ppm0000182
Twenge, J. M., PhD. (2017). IGen: why todays super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy– and completely unprepared for adulthood (and what this means for the rest of us). New York, NY: Atria Books.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
*A little fun during our maternity photo shoot… photo by Anne Healey Photography
Written by Rian Gordon
When you are dating, your relationship typically centers on having fun together. You plan activities that you enjoy doing, and you are entirely focused on helping each other have a good time. When you have been together for a long time, that focus on fun tends to slip away. You have other things to worry about – bills, kids, work, school… the list could go on and on! However, fun isn’t just something that is nice to have in our relationships. We NEED fun in order to have a thriving and fulfilling marriage or partnership. Research shows that fun helps us to better deal with the stresses and challenges of daily life, and that couples who have meaningful fun together stay together longer (Munro 2011; Van Vleet et al., 2019).
What Is Meaningful Fun?
Fun can come in all shapes and sizes. However, simply participating in activities that are considered “fun” won’t necessarily improve your relationship. Just because you go skydiving or out to a fancy party together doesn’t mean that you are having meaningful fun. Meaningful fun should bring you closer together as a couple. Mutuality is important here – try looking for activities that you both enjoy doing. Meaningful fun should also help to deepen the trust and love in your relationship. It should help you get to know each other better as both of you grow and change over time. It’s about creating memories and building your relationship.
Remember that it’s also okay to just be silly! Your fun doesn’t have to be ‘serious’ (if fun is ever TOO serious, you might be doing it wrong!) in order to be meaningful. For example, one night, my husband and I were wondering what to do. We had gotten into the habit of coming home from class and work and watching tv. While this wasn’t the worst thing we could be doing, we had gotten into a bit of a rut as far as creating opportunities to experience meaningful fun together. That night, we had already watched a movie, and we didn’t want to get stuck in our usual routine. We thought for a minute, and my husband made a suggestion: “Do you want to draw faces on our chins and film ourselves singing?” I burst out laughing, and heartily agreed. It sounds ridiculous, but this turned into a hilarious night of fun that I will never forget. Mark and I were able to laugh together, and to use our creativity to make other people laugh as well (the videos were promptly shared to Facebook, receiving rave reviews).
Here’s a little sample of that evening for your viewing pleasure:
The important thing is to relax and practice. Creating opportunities for, and having meaningful fun comes easier the more you do it.
Fun-Killers (Real vs. Imagined)
There are several roadblocks that can really get in the way of having fun together with our partner. However, there are also a few “imaginary” roadblocks that we may feel like are getting in the way of our fun, when in reality, a simple paradigm shift will take care of them. Let’s take a look at a few of these real and imagined roadblocks.
Photo from Tina Hall Photography
Monotony (Real): Our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to variety (think about the game “one of these things is not like the other”). Therefore, by introducing even just a little variety into your fun, you can help yourself to feel and become more invested and engaged in your relationship. It’s okay to think small on this one – variety doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant in order to be effective. For example, instead of making love at night, try waking up a little early and do it in the morning; Instead of settling in to watch Netflix after work, pull out a board game; Try a new restaurant for your weekly dinner-date, etc. These small changes can make a big difference in how you experience fun.
Threats to Safety (Real): In order to have fun, we have to feel at ease. Threats to physical, emotional, and/or commitment safety can really get in the way of being able to relax and have fun together. These threats can be big or small – regardless, avoiding these threats and creating a safe space to laugh and have fun together is essential to creating meaningful experiences.
Money (Imagined):Many of us often mix up having lots of money with being able to have lots of fun. This is a misconception. While saving up and paying for a big fun vacation to a dream-destination or a concert by your spouse’s favorite band can certainly add to your relationship (and I would certainly recommend using your money wisely so you can occasionally invest in those types of fun), you do not have to constantly spend lots of money in order to create opportunities for fun. See below for a list of inexpensive ideas of fun things to do together with your partner
Time (Imagined): The most common excuse for a lack of fun in a relationship is being “too busy”. When we care about something, however, we are much more likely to make it a priority, and to make time for it in our day. Remember that having meaningful fun together can improve your relationship! If you don’t feel that you have enough time for spontaneous fun, take some time at the beginning of your week to schedule out some designated fun time with your spouse. This can take shape in a weekly date, after the kids are in bed, or even instead of scrolling through Facebook on your phone when you first wake up! Start small, and MAKE time for fun.
Ideas
We know it can sometimes be hard to come up with new ways to have fun together, so we’ve compiled a list of some of our own personal favorites!
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
Download John and Julie Gottman’s FREE “Gottman Card Decks” app, and take turns asking each other open-ended questions
Go stargazing
Go to a museum
Challenge your spouse to your favorite board game
Read out loud together (if it’s a book that requires voices, DO THEM)
Bake together (if you’re feeling flirty, try wearing nothing but aprons…)
Go to the library or bookstore and play Bookface (Mark and I loved doing this one – follow the link here to find instructions)
Go disco skating at your local roller rink
Go to a Nickel Arcade
Go on a picnic and fly kites
Have a campout in your living room (tent and smores included!)
Draw portraits of each other (they can be as accurate or as abstract as you’d like!)
Go to the library or bookstore and find each other’s favorite childhood books – read them together
Experiment Making cocktails or mocktails together
Try a new restaurant
Go fishing
Go camping
Go furniture shopping…or furniture dreaming
Attend a play
Build a gingerbread house (Richard and Aubrey-Dawn once made a 3’x2′ gingerbread house, complete with a swimming pool, garage and tennis court… You can use the leftover frosting for a little more naked fun!)
Help out at a food bank or soup kitchen.
Go dancing!
References
Algoe, S. B. (2019). Positive interpersonal processes. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 28(2), 183–188. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0963721419827272
Kurtz, L. E., & Algoe, S. B. (2015). Putting laughter in context: Shared laughter as behavioral indicator of relationship well‐being. Personal Relationships, 22(4), 573–590. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12095
Munro, J. D. (2011). A positive couple therapy model: Improving relationships for people with intellectual disabilities. Advances in Mental Health and Intellectual Disabilities, 5(5), 34–39. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1108/20441281111180646
Van Vleet, M., Helgeson, V. S., & Berg, C. A. (2019). The importance of having fun: Daily play among adults with type I diabetes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3695-3710. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0265407519832115
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Family time is something that is important to so many of us, especially when it comes to the holidays. Spending time together baking, playing games, and creating traditions and memories largely contribute to why we personally love this season so much. In fact, these family traditions are a very important part of developing family identity and family unity (Fiese, et al., 2002), creating emotional security for children (Spagnola, & Fiese, 2007), and even increasing marital satisfaction (Fiese, et al., 2002)! However, managing time with family can be a real headache when you are in a serious relationship – particularly if you don’t get along well with the in-laws. Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the time you spend together with your families of origin (the family you grew up in) all year round.
Show Gratitude
Planning family get-togethers takes a lot of effort. Coordinating schedules, food, and activities can be quite a difficult task, especially as families grow exponentially over the years. When one of your families invites you to spend time with them, do your best to be respectful and to show gratitude regardless of whether or not you are able to make it. Doing what you can to help plan and contribute, or even a long-distance video chat or phone call into the get-together can go along way in helping each of your families feel loved. Also understand when your family cannot be with you – traveling for special occasions takes time and money. Be grateful for the time your family can spend with you, instead of pressuring them to be at more events.
Be Mindful of Your Significant Other’s Needs
Healthy relationships are all about sacrifice and love, and sometimes you have to sacrifice time with your own family in order to give your spouse the time that they would like to have with their family.
Photo from pexels.com
Rian: My husband grew up in Arizona, and a large chunk of his family still lives there while my family is all in Utah. Because we live so close to my parents and siblings, we spend a lot of time with them (which I love because I’m a total homebody). That means that it takes a lot more planning and effort to get together with my husband’s family. However, because his family is as important to both of us as my family, we do what we can to put in that extra effort into spending time with them. I know this means a lot to my husband and his family, and while sometimes it takes a little sacrifice, that effort always turns out to be worth it.
Aubrey-Dawn: My husband’s family lives a fifteen-hour drive from us, requiring several days off, and lots of time and money. We have managed to see them about twice a year since getting married. Traveling there is always quite an occasion – family reunions have lots of people, and it can be overwhelming. I work hard to mentally and emotionally prepare to be in a hectic environment with many personalities and lifestyles different from my own because I know that it is important to my husband. At the same time, my husband checks in with me at the beginning and end of each day to see how I am doing and talk with me about any struggles. He also understands that I need alone time, and makes room for it.
Speak Positively
Sometimes it can be really tempting to talk negatively with your spouse about family members behind their back. This type of gossip and/or complaining can be really damaging to the relationships that both you and your spouse have with each other’s families. If you have a problem with a member of either family that you feel you should discuss with your spouse, utilize your healthy communication and problem-solving skills to try and make the experience as constructive and healing as possible. Venting can be beneficial, but it is important to remember that venting and attacking are not the same thing. Remember that what you are saying is about people who are important to your spouse. If you would not want your partner saying those things about your family, you may want to find another way to express your frustrations.
Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important in all relationships. It is okay to say ‘no’ and to state your needs and intents. Sometimes family dynamics can be difficult. Unrealistic expectations, competition, and sometimes even downright meanness are issues many deal with when it comes to their in-laws. Establishing boundaries as a couple can help mitigate these problems and protect you and your partner.
Photo from pexels.com
Aubrey-Dawn: Boundaries have been important in Richard and I’s family interactions, especially with regard to infertility and childcare. There used to be an assumption that because we have no children but want them, we would want to take care of everyone else’s. At a reunion, Richard was left with over a dozen children, while most of the men socialized, and all of the women, myself included, attended a baby shower. At this same reunion, as well as on many other occasions, we sustained many jokes and comments about our incapacity to love and understand anything because we are not parents. It was painful for both of us. We have had to establish boundaries: we do not care for children without advanced notice, and we do so for only one family at a time. We also have had conversations about infertility-related comments. It has been difficult, but these boundaries have helped tremendously.
Your Family Comes First
The most important thing to remember when scheduling extended-family time is that your new family – the family you and your significant other create together – comes first. Making sure you and your spouse (and any kids that may come along) are taken care of is more important than trying to bend to everyone else’s whims. That means you may get called a party-pooper when you have to leave the party early so that your baby can get to bed on time. Or it might mean telling your mother that you and your spouse want to open presents on Christmas morning at your own home in order to have some alone time together. Whatever the case, it is okay to set those boundaries to ensure that your own immediate family is taken care of. In fact, it will help your relationship with your spouse, your kids, and your extended family be a whole lot healthier. Doing everything you can to ensure that your significant other feels safe and respected when you are with extended family is crucial. It will demonstrate to your partner that you respect them, and will strengthen the trust and love that you have for one another.
Come up with a new holiday tradition that you can participate in with your immediate family.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
I should probably start by telling how my wife Rian and I met. On a whim, we both tried out for a local community theater production of “Les Miserables.” We were both cast in the ensemble. I was a nasty sailor, she was a prostitute. It was meant to be. I noticed immediately how crystal clear and spot on her voice was during our rehearsal. I’ve never heard her hit a wrong note to this day. She was also hysterical. Stunning girls who aren’t afraid to look ridiculous flopping around onstage are the most attractive, by the way. Needless to say she took a chance on me, and four years later we are now married with a terrific little baby.
Let me preface this post by saying I am in no way an authority on the subject of mental illness. What I share here are simply experiences from my own life in learning about and learning to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. If something I share here resonates with you and you’re willing to give it a shot, then go for it!
#1 Be willing to learn (ask questions!)
In our first couple of conversations while we were getting to know each other (and making “goo goo eyes”), it eventually came up that Ri had come home early from serving an LDS mission due to anxiety and depression. Let me first say how brave this was of her to share that with a guy she hardly knew. She wanted to be upfront and honest. She was not worried that she would come across as “broken” or “not strong enough” or a dozen other incorrect labels we place on individuals with mental illness. There was a lot of trust shown on her end. Over the years prior, I had developed an attitude that a lot of mental illnesses could be solved by simply “getting over it” or just pushing through. I didn’t grow up in a home where any of us really struggled with these things (although I’ve since learned that my grandmother battled bi-polar disorder her whole life). I was so head-over-heels for this girl, though, I was willing to give up what I thought I already “knew” about the subject and undergo a paradigm shift. I sincerely wanted to know how things were for her. How did she feel when she had a panic attack? What set things off? What coping mechanisms did she have? How did she come to accept that it was something she struggled with? The more questions I asked, the more I learned, and the more I could try and understand. If you want to love someone more, learn more about them. Let your love motivate you to ask questions. They won’t be offended if you’re coming from a sincere place. You’ll grow closer together as a result.
#2 Don’t treat them as “fragile”
Nobody wants to be thought of as a crazy person who could break down at any second. When it comes to building a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness, there shouldn’t be a “walking on eggshells” mentality. That’s not good for either of you. If anything, that just makes those with mental illness more nervous and unable to be themselves. In our relationship, that has been the most important thing to my wife – she feels she can always be herself around me. We can go out and have a good time doing pretty much anything (except whistling… she can’t whistle to save her life!). We have developed good enough communication over time that if I sense something might be triggering her anxiety, we’ll take a break and go sit quietly at a park, or take a cuddle break for a bit. But we never let those things control our lives. There’s something to be said for the old English WWII sign “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Don’t worry about the next potential “bomb of distress” that may go off. Be prepared for them (that’s where your “calm” will come from.), but still go out and live your life.
#3 Serve them
Now, inevitably, those “bombs of distress” will hit your loved one. However, it is possible to prepare for those times. In our many conversations, Rian has learned about and told me what she needs during a low point. Taking a walk, or being held sitting on a couch focusing on her breathing, to name a few (for some people it can be the opposite – they don’t like any physical contact – so just be sure to learn what works for your loved one). Whatever the remedy is for each episode, I always try to keep things calm. When the distress finally passes, it often leaves Rian completely exhausted. Foot rubs, massages, making a meal for her, playing her favorite music or putting on a movie she likes are all helpful things that allow her to decompress. I love doing these things for her. I realize that if you have a larger family, it’s not as easy to take time to do these things. Panic attack’s don’t arrive at convenient times. But whenever they do occur, I try to find some way to serve my sweetheart (even if it’s just a phone to call check-in because I’m stuck at work). In our relationship in general, I’ve tried to follow the wise council Merlin gave to King Arthur in regards to his relationship with Queen Guinevere: “Love her. Simply love her.”
#4 Understand that you can’t fix everything
Before I was married, I thought that my job as a husband and father was to make sure my wife and kids were never sad. But I’ve discovered that’s an impossible task. I can’t bubble-wrap my family to protect them from every single hardship, and that includes mental anguish. Its so difficult when there isn’t a physical “booboo” I can see to kiss better. There’s no quick-fix band aid you can place on mental illness. These battles can be long laborious affairs with frequent ups and downs. And a lot of times, all you can do is hold your loved one’s hand. It’s their own personal boxing match in which they face an intimidating foe. But luckily, they’ve got you and many others in their corner giving them water, first aid, and constant words of encouragement that they can beat this thing. It was the same way when Rian was in labor with our baby. I’ve never felt more powerless in my life. But I marveled at how strong she became during that time. And she, all by herself, accomplished one of the most difficult tasks a human being can do. So, as much as we want to constantly protect our loved ones from any pain and grief, we can’t expect that from ourselves. When you feel powerless to help, remember that it isn’t your job to take away the hurt. It IS your job, however, to be there through it all. Allow these trials to help you find opportunities to serve each other and grow closer together.
The #metoo campaign of a month ago left me thinking about my own experiences, and the experiences of many of my loved ones.
Sexual assault strips lives in a way that nothing else can, leaving a victim with an intense sense of loss, devaluation, confusion, pain, and often shame. Now that I have used the word ‘victim’, I want to stray from it, and use the term ‘survivor’ from this point forward.
There are many circumstances in which sexual abuse occurs, but because most survivors are abused as minors, I will speak about healing from CSA (child sexual abuse).
Seek Therapy
First, therapy is an important part of healing. Therapists can help survivors process through the trauma and make peace with it (Duvall et al., 2020). They also can work with the families of survivors to help them understand how they can be supportive and empathic while still maintaining healthy boundaries (Eék et al., 2020). This process is especially important when a survivor of CSA is preparing to get married, or enter into a significant, romantic relationship.
Photo from pexels.com
When one has been abused as a child, their beliefs about sex, pleasure and their body change. Survivors are at great risk of becoming either 1) promiscuous, subconsciously searching for love and attachment in unhealthy ways, or 2) abstinent out of fear, wanting to avoid sex altogether (Deliramich & Gray, 2008).
I know of a couple who had been married for twenty plus years. She had been sexually abused when she was a young child, and still, twenty years later, because she and her husband had not received any kind of treatment, having sex was a traumatic experience for her – every single time. Consequently, sex was a bi-annual occasion. Being able to be close to her husband was mentally draining. The couple began to see a therapist regularly. She was able to process through her abuse, and he was able to understand her needs, fears and the two began to develop a healthy sexual relationship.
For those who are preparing to have a sexual relationship with their partners, I strongly encourage premarital counseling (I endorse it anyway, but even more so in this case). A therapist will help the survivor be more comfortable with the sexual experience. He/she will also help the partner be more aware of the survivor’s triggers.
A note: therapy takes time. It is not a magical fix, and requires work. It does work, but only as much as you choose to.
Create a Sexual Script
I tell this to everyone considering becoming sexually active in a relationship, but it is especially important in cases of CSA. Create a sexual script. This script outlines in detail what sex will be like the first few times, from undressing, to foreplay, to penetration, and so on. Sex at first needs to be slow. It is not a race, it is about intimacy. Creating a script helps the abused know what is up – it removes the element of surprise, and therefore a significant amount of stress. It helps the partner know what is safe to do and not to do. This script minimizes the chances of re-traumatizing the survivor. And don’t worry, this script does not need to be followed every time. As the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and as a bond of safety, trust and comfort is built, there will be plenty of room for exploring. Having said that, communicate.
Communicate Needs
A couple’s sex life reflects the quality of their relationship. Conversely, the couple’s relationship directly reflects the quality of their sex life (Fallis et al., 2014). In other words, if your sex life is not great, your relationship needs repair. But if your relationship is struggling, your sex life could use some work. Being on the same page about sex is important.
Photo from pexels.com
Sexual intimacy consists of two people, with vastly different needs and ideas. It is important that those needs and ideas are communicated.
As a survivor myself, I remember the first time I had a panic attack during sex. My husband did nothing wrong, though he thought he did and felt terrible. I remember him holding me and soothing me. When I was calm, I processed through what had triggered me and why I had felt unsafe. My husband did not blame me for ruining what could have been a romantic evening. He did not tell me to get over it. He was understanding, and asked what he could do differently in the future. After that terrifying experience, I found myself hesitating to be sexually intimate, not realizing that my not putting out was negatively effecting my husband, and consequently our relationship. He communicated to me that he wanted to feel close to me, and felt disconnected. We were able to have a conversation to help us get on track again. This worked, and our funk only lasted a few weeks because he communicated with me, and I with him.
Take Accountability
Survivors sometimes sabotage their relationships. The unconscious belief tends to be that because of the way someone treated them, they cannot trust others, and therefore others must be kept at a distance. Many also add to that working belief that they are damaged goods because of the abuse, and so who could really want and value them?
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
Survivors need to be aware of this, recognize when they are falling into this trap, and work themselves out of it. Sometimes processing through this with their partner is sufficient, sometimes it requires a therapeutic process. And sometimes, it just requires that the survivor pull himself/herself up, stop playing the victim, and get to work.
What it comes down to, is that a survivor is not responsible for their sexual abuse. It is not their fault. Period. That being the case, survivors are responsible for taking part in the healing process and relationships following. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control what you do because of it. Not allowing people to come close to you, or refusing to let yourself accept love, is an unhealthy, sad, and unfortunate choice.
Sexual intimacy is beautiful, and important. The bonding that takes place is unparalleled. A couple gets to create their own sexual relationship, and it always take time. The time is worth it.
References
Deliramich, A. N., & Gray, M. J. (2008). Changes in women’s sexual behavior following sexual assault. Behavior Modification, 32(5), 611–621. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0145445508314642
Duval, E. R., Sheynin, J., King, A. P., Phan, K. L., Simon, N. M., Martis, B., Porter, K. E., Norman, S. B., Liberzon, I., & Rauch, S. A. M. (2020). Neural function during emotion processing and modulation associated with treatment response in a randomized clinical trial for posttraumatic stress disorder. Depression and Anxiety, 37(7), 670–681. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23022
Eék, N., Romberg, K., Siljeholm, O., Johansson, M., Andreasson, S., Lundgren, T., Fahlke, C., Ingesson, S., Bäckman, L., & Hammarberg, A. (2020). Efficacy of an internet-based community reinforcement and family training program to increase treatment engagement for AUD and to improve psychiatric health for CSOs: A randomized controlled trial. Alcohol and Alcoholism, 55(2), 187–195. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/alcalc/agz095
Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., & Purdon, C. (2014). Perceptions of partner sexual satisfaction in heterosexual committed relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 541–550. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-013-0177-y
Jones, S. L., & Hostler, H. R. (2002). Sexual Script Theory: An integrative exploration of the possibilities and limits of sexual self-definition. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 30(2), 120–130.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
and may have actually peed a little bit in the process too.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Come up with a new holiday tradition that you can participate in with your immediate family.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer