Physical touch is a great way to connect. For many of us, kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands and sex help us feel a closer bond with our partners. Humans are biologically driven to connect with people physically, and many of us enjoy physical touch as our dominant love language.
Having physical touch as a dominant love language does not necessarily denote a high sex drive. It really just means that appropriate physical touch is how we feel the most connected to our other half.
“Touches may be explicit and call for your full attention, such as a back rub or sexual foreplay. They can be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee. Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination. Kiss when you get in the car. It may greatly enhance your travels. Give a hug before you go shopping. You may hear less griping when you return.”
-Gary Chapman
Here are six ways to increase the quality of physical touch in your relationship.
1. Use Appropriate Touch to Communicate
Using appropriate physical touch can be a way of expressing not only love, but the other things we feel. We use physical touch to convey support, grief, play, humor, joy, appreciation, attraction, and unity.
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For example, when my husband and I are having a difficult conversation (discussing something that is emotional for one of us, or when we are disagreeing and debating) we hold hands or rest one hand on our partner’s leg. That simple touch helps us connect and makes it easier to see problems not as ‘me vs. him’, but as ‘us vs. problem’. It is an easy reminder that we are not alone in whatever pain or frustration we may be feeling.
2. Make sure that not all physical touch is sexual in nature.
While sex is certainly an important part of romantic relationships, if physical touch is only sexual in nature, it can leave a person feeling objectified. Physical touch is not always meant to be foreplay either. If you find that you expect every long kiss or backrub to lead to sex, you need to reevaluate your expectations. If physical touch is expected to lead to sex each time, it will become less and less frequent, and often less sincere. It can also lead to painful feelings of loss and lack of connection if physical touch is your partner’s dominant love language.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Take opportunities to embrace, cuddle, make out, and even flirt or smack your partner’s butt without needing it to go anywhere! Massage your partner’s back or feet, or play with their hair. A nibble on the ear can go a long way too. Physical touch (including sex!) is less about personal pleasure and more about emotional connection.
3. If your relationship (and even sex life) is struggling, there may not be enough touch.
When you reach out with tender touch, you create emotional closeness. This is especially true if the primary love language of your spouse is physical touch. You may say, “What if I’m just not a toucher? I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely family.” The good news is that you can learn to speak this love language. It can begin with a pat on the back, or putting your hand on their leg as you sit together on the couch.
-Gary Chapman
As humans, we are biologically programmed to need human contact. Human touch creates semiochemical bonding and releases hormones like oxytocin. This semiochemical bonding cements couples together, and the oxytocin makes people pretty happy and excited about that bonding. If there is not enough touch happening, it is hard to feel connected to our partners.
4. Communicate your needs.
If you are not happy with the amount or style of physical touch in your relationship, communicate about it. Be open. If you can be vulnerable enough to be naked in a room together, why can’t you talk about what you need?
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For example: my husband cannot hold hands for very long. When we hold hands, it is only for about a minute at a time. I worried that he did not want to be affectionate in public (something important to me), but his straightforward communication cleared that up. On the other hand, grabbing my butt is off limits if I am in a dress. For whatever reason, if I am in a dress, it just drives me crazy; otherwise, no big deal. I communicated this to him, and he has been perfectly respectful.
Affectionate touch should be enjoyable – we should feel good about it! If we do not, we have a responsibility to speak up. And if our partners communicate to us, we have a responsibility to respond appropriately.
5. Know your partner’s limits.
We all have our own boundaries – things we are uncomfortable with, and things we want and need. Keeping your partner’s limits in mind, and being respectful of those is important.
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6. Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety.
Remember to keep your partner safe. Physical touch has to be appropriate. It can be fun and sexy and gentle and energetic and all kids of things, but if we ever touch our partners in ways that violate their safety, that is not okay. It just isn’t. Physical touch must include a sense of trust and the ability to be vulnerable and comfortable. If those feelings go away, we need to make some changes.
If you are involved in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, please get help. We all, regardless of our gender, orientation, history, or any other variable, deserve to be safe and secure in our relationships. Please reach out to a trusted loved one, the police, or other resources in your community for assistance.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(3), 228–252. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/1088868316650307
Reddan, M. C., Young, H., Falkner, J., López-Solà, M., & Wager, T. D. (2020). Touch and social support influence interpersonal synchrony and pain. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(10), 1064–1075. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/scan/nsaa048
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 5
When it comes to relationships, time is money – especially if Quality Time is your love language. Here are a few different ways that you can invest your time towards building a strong and healthy relationship:
Quality Activities
Taking the time to really BE together can help your significant other truly feel loved. Doing things with each other that you enjoy expresses a desire to have fun together, and to give each other your undivided attention. When it comes to quality activities, Dr. Chapman says, “The emphasis is not on what you are doing, but on WHY you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling ‘[They] care about me. [They] were willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and [they] did it with a positive attitude.’” (Chapman, p. 68) Along with this, Dr. Chapman lists 3 essential ingredients for a quality activity:
Photo by Bailee Brinkerhoff Morris
At least one of you wants to do it.
The other is willing to do it.
Both of you know why you are doing it – to express love by being together.
Quality Conversation
Doing things together isn’t the only way to speak the language of quality time. Your time can also be well-spent in having quality conversations with your partner. Quality conversations involve the mutual sharing of “experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.” (Chapman, p. 60) Note that this type of conversation is different from the love language Words of Affirmation. Where words of affirmation focuses on what you are saying to your partner, the art of quality conversation is rooted in listening. Taking the time to truly listen empathetically to your partner, and sharing in their thoughts and feelings can increase understanding between you and can help strengthen your relationship and love for each other.
If you struggle with this kind of connection and with sharing your own thoughts and feelings, know that having quality conversations is a learnable skill. Dr. Chapman recommends establishing a daily sharing time where each partner talks about three things that happened to them throughout the day, and how they felt about each of those things. It could be when you both get home from work, at the dinner table, when you lay down to go to bed, etc. He calls this quality conversation time the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage. The more you practice sharing what you are thinking and feeling, the more comfortable you will become with quality conversation.
A Thought on Technology
While technology can be a helpful way to stay in touch with others, it can really get in the way of true connection. It’s important to realize that the key to quality time is giving your undivided attention. Even when our phones are in our pockets, on vibrate, or even face-down on the table they can still distract us from giving our true undivided attention to our partners. Having your phone out when you are trying to give your partner quality time sends the message (even if it’s unintentional) that what is going on somewhere else is more important to you than they are (for more information on this subject, see the references below).
Photo from pexels.com
I know it isn’t realistic to say you will NEVER have your phone on you when you are trying to participate in quality time with your partner. However, I would recommend setting aside some time to unplug and put away the technology for even just a little while (my husband and I just recently made a rule to have no phones at the table). That time to give your full undivided attention to those you love will make a world of a difference.
Make Time
We are all busy, and it can seem tricky to find enough time for quality moments together. However, if your partner speaks this specific love language, intentionally making room for time together is essential. Don’t feel like it always has to be for hours at a time – remember the language is quality time, not quantity time! Taking a few minutes to really connect every day will make a huge difference. Dr. Chapman says, “We make time (for quality connection) just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health.” (Chapman, p. 69)
Choose TODAY to connect with your partner through quality time!
References:
Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #2: Quality Time. In The 5 love languages (pp. 55-72). Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Largely based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages
The least common love language is ‘gifts’ (Bland & McQueen, 2018; Bunt & Hazelwood, 2017). Sure, most of us enjoy receiving birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s gifts, but it is not often someone’s primary love language.
Yet for many, gift-giving is the easiest way to show love. It is easy to stop by the mall and pick something up compared to the effort and time commitment required to perform a significant act of service or write a meaningful letter.
Gift giving can also be overwhelming for some. Money may also be an object.
Here are five tips for more meaningful gift giving:
1. Give gifts your partner wants, not gifts you want your partner to have.
This was a skill my parents taught me growing up. It really is just good etiquette. Buying gifts you want your partner to have can be manipulative or selfish. The rule is simple.
Photo by Kira Heide on Unsplash
2. Expected gifts are most meaningful when they demonstrate some sacrifice.
A gift on Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day is expected, and so it should carry some significance and require some sacrifice on your part. This does not mean emptying your bank account, and that would surely upset your partner. But a gift that demonstrates sacrifice in some other way – significant thought or effort – is nice. Keep in mind too that this may not just mean the gift. For example, purchasing gifts for your significant other the day before or the day of usually gives off the impression that because you have procrastinated getting the gift, you by extension are procrastinating them. Purchase or make expected gifts early so that you have time to make sure they are meaningful, as well as to avoid that potentially hurtful impression.
3. Small, spontaneous gifts can go a long way.
Not every gift needs to be delivered on a specific occasion. Sometimes the things that mean the most are simple and spontaneous because they demonstrate that our partners are on our minds. And it feels good to know you’re being thought about.
Photo from pexels.com
Once, I wrote the things I love about my husband on individual paint sample cards. I hid them all around our house for him to find. There was one in his shoes, one in the corner of the mirror, one taped to the ceiling of the pantry, etc. I went to work that evening, and while I was gone, my husband came home to a card on the front door telling him that I had hidden 68 of these little paint samples for him to find while I was gone. The gift took a lot of time – I spent several days listing my favorite things about my husband in a notebook before writing them down. The writing and hiding took a couple of hours too. But it did not cost any money, and it reflected my favorite things about my husband – just because. He loved it.
4. Gifts are not meant to be a fix-it for conflict.
There is of course the cliche practice of gift-giving after an argument – he comes home with flowers and chocolate, and expects to be freely forgiven. We have seen it in romantic comedies time and time again. But it really does not work in real life. Gifts are usually a band aid fix at best, but they usually fail to address the real issue of the conflict, and so the issue will likely resurface later. If you do use gifts as a way of making up, keep them on the simple side. Let gifts supplement real words and actions in cases of conflict.
5. Gifts can address a partner’s specific physical or emotional needs.
My mother’s dominant love language is words of affirmation, and my father knows this. When holidays come around (especially Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday and anniversary), my father spends excruciating amounts of time shopping for cards. The cards cannot not be funny, or short, or plain. My dad always purchases those expensive cards so long they are tri-folded. It has to be the perfect card – something that says exactly how he feels about my mom. I remember falling asleep in Target more than once while waiting for my father to pick out a card. Naturally, a card was never the only gift my mother received, but he played to her needs and love language.
Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash
Each relationship is unique. Playing to the emotional and physical needs of our partners increases the meaning and significance of the gifts we give them.
If you are one of those who has decided to purchase Valentine’s Day gifts at the last moment, I recommend that you skip the teddy bears. No one has use for those. May I instead suggest that you get creative with the time you have left. Good luck! As always, we would love to answer any questions you may have. Happy Valentine’s Day.
References:
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages(pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17464090500535822
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 4
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
If you have ever been called a name or been the victim of gossip, you will know that this is a downright lie. Words are powerful, and words can hurt! Luckily, words can also heal. They can bring hope and encouragement. They can express and strengthen love and commitment. The positive power of words is the essence of Dr. Gary Chapman’s first love language, and the topic of our discussion today: Words of Affirmation.
Affirming words build our partner up. They validate, give emotional support, and uplift. Dr. Chapman suggests several different types of affirming words that you can use regularly to help your spouse feel loved:
Compliments
Giving sincere verbal compliments can brighten anyone’s day – especially when that person’s love language is words of affirmation. These words of appreciation and love are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements, such as:
“Thank you so much for clearing out the sink before you left for work this morning. That is so helpful to me, and I really appreciate it.”
or:
“Sweetheart, I love how safe and comfortable I feel around you. You always help me know that it’s okay to be myself.”
or even:
“You sure do look handsome in that suit tonight, babe!”
The other night, as I was getting ready to nurse our little boy, my husband Mark looked at me and said, “Thank you so much for taking care of our son, and for making sure to take care of yourself as well. It really means so much to me.” This little compliment made me feel so special and validated. I had had a very busy and exhausting day, and just hearing those words alleviated my stress and frustration.
You never know the impact your words could have on someone you love. When was the last time you told your spouse something that you loved or appreciated about them?
Encouraging Words
Another variation of words of affirmation is giving your spouse encouragement. Everyone struggles with insecurity in some shape or form, and you never know how meaningful your words of love and support might be to your spouse in helping them have the confidence to explore their own potential.
Photo from pexels.com
It’s important to understand that encouraging words should focus on giving your spouse support and praise that focuses on their desires and dreams – NOT on something you wish they would do, like, “Honey, you know what I think you would be really good at? Doing the dishes.” Gary Chapman describes it in this way:
“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.” – The 5 Love Languages, pg. 42
Encouraging words should show your partner that you believe in them and their abilities. They should reassure your partner that no matter what, you will be there to support them and cheer them on.
Kind Words
Speaking with kindness does not only apply to the words we say, but to how we say them. When we use kind and loving words combined with kind and open body language and tone of voice, our message of love is far more likely to shine through, leaving less room for confusion or miscommunication.
Photo by Courtney Cook on Unsplash
Interestingly enough, we can also share difficult thoughts and feelings with our partner in a kind way. Discussing with them our hurt, pain, and even disagreement or anger in loving kindness can be an intimate expression of love. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of every relationship, and when it is handled using kind words, it can bring couples closer together rather than driving them apart. (For more thoughts on handling difficult topics in healthy ways, check out our post here).
Humble Words
Using humble words can help to build trust and unity in a relationship. One way to speak humbly is to ask your partner for help. Making requests of your partner (rather than demands) shows that you feel they are capable and have something to contribute. It also honors their choice – we need to know that we can say no! Love is meaningful because it honors choice. When that freedom to choose is taken away, love is no longer a part of the picture. Humbly honor your partner by expressing appreciation for their choice to love you and work at your relationship.
Getting Creative
There are many other ways in which we can affirm our spouse. Here are some different ideas to help you get thinking outside the box:
Say something nice about your spouse behind their back – to their friend, their sibling, your kids, or even your mother-in-law! Practicing words of affirmation even when your spouse is not around will help to make them more of a habit in your relationship.
Set a goal to give your spouse a different sincere compliment each day for one month.
Keep a words of affirmation notebook! As you watch tv, read books, listen to other people’s conversations, etc., expand your love language vocabulary by writing down the words of affirmation that you hear. Maybe even try using a few of them with your spouse.
Write your spouse a love letter and mail it to them.
Write down a list of your spouse’s strengths and read that list out loud to him or her.
Photo from pexels.com
References
Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages (pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Naiburg, S. (2018). Brian, psychosis, and the language of love. Psychoanalysis, Self and Context, 13(1), 58–64. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/24720038.2018.1388076
Robinson, M. D., Persich, M. R., Sjoblom-Schmidt, S., & Penzel, I. B. (2020). Love stories: How language use patterns vary by relationship quality. Discourse Processes, 57(1), 81–98. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0163853X.2019.1627158
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
*Photo of Brett and Beatriz Burbank, provided by Remi Stoneman Photography
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
With Valentine’s Day approaching, we want to teach about Gary Chapman’s five love languages. Many of you already know about love languages, and know what yours are. We are going to be reviewing each of the five love languages over February. This month, we have one goal, and we want you to join us in that goal. For us here at Healthy Humans Project, February is about learning to love our partners their way.
What does that mean?
It is so easy to express love to our partners the way we want to receive love – in a way that is comfortable to us. But are we really loving our partners the way they need us to? While our intentions are good, it may be that we are not loving our partner according to their love language, and therefore, they are not really feeling loved.
A person’s top two love languages are their most important. These love languages are: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. I am not going to go into how each of the five languages work right now, so stay tuned, because we will go through all of them this month!
If you have not taken the test, or, if it has been a while, you can take it here.
We have homework for you, and it doubles as a date night:
Guess what your partner’s top two love languages are.
Each of you take the test using the link above (do not help each other).
Talk about your results. Bepositive. (This is not a blaming game!)
Good luck! Tell us about your results, and as always, contact us with any questions.
References
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
Gawda, B. (2019). The structure of the concepts related to love spectrum: Emotional verbal fluency technique application, initial psychometrics, and its validation. Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, 48(6), 1339–1361. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10936-019-09661-y
Robinson, M. D., Persich, M. R., Sjoblom-Schmidt, S., & Penzel, I. B. (2020). Love stories: How language use patterns vary by relationship quality. Discourse Processes, 57(1), 81–98. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/0163853X.2019.1627158
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
