Nearly anywhere we look, we can find lots of marriage advice – some good, some bad.
The quality and applicability of that advice varies based on source, but also simply because each relationship is unique. While some advice may be worth trying, the worst marriage advice is an age old comment.
“Never go to bed angry.”
This adage, repeated again and again, has some fundamental problems.
It suggests that in the face of conflict, one should resolve it in all circumstances, and be able to restore peace of mind before going to sleep. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t that simple.
When two people are engaged in a conflict, it is easy for emotions to run high, and that is normal. But late at night, when both parties are tired, those emotions run even higher and it is more difficult to be realistic and problem-solve. We are more likely to say something we will regret.
On the other hand, after a good night’s sleep – in the same bed – when both parties have been able to take a break and regulate their emotions, the conflict resolution can continue and is more likely to be resolved rationally and appropriately. Then the problem will not feel so overwhelming.
Photo by Maksym Tymchyk on Unsplash
Here is the one exception: going to bed should not be an excuse or a way to avoid your partner. This practice is not an avoidant one. Quite the opposite. It requires both parties to actively choose to take a break and resume the conversation in the morning. The attitude of “I’m just going to bed because I am done with you” will not work. It has to be an attitude of “We are both tired and upset. Let’s take a break and sleep it off. We’ll figure this out in the morning.” You’ll find that with the right attitude, the problem seems much smaller in the morning.
Doing this demonstrates an attitude of us vs. problem instead of you vs. me, and will help you preserve your marriage and the connection you each share.
During this, partners must sleep in the same bed. When one is required to sleep on the couch, it builds feelings of resentment and creates disconnection. Even in the face of conflict, partners can and must share their bed. By doing so, they demonstrate that their focus in the face of conflict is not on winning, but on solving the problem and fighting for their marriage.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
But not everyone loves it. I will admit – at first, I didn’t. Richard and I have had to establish boundaries.
Our jobs are fulfilling and remarkable. We work in different places on our campus, so we see each other only here and there throughout the day. Because we work in a social science field, with adolescents with a variety of diagnoses, strengths, and weaknesses, it is difficult not to take work home. We build relationships with all of these incredible teenagers (yes, we like moody teenagers; shocking, I know) and it is hard to leave that behind when we get home.
Whether you work together or apart, it is important to balance the two and make opportunities for clear couple time as well as debriefing and self care to recover after a hard day at work.
Boundaries Matter!
Richard and I have set specific boundaries. Our boundaries for balancing work may look different than the boundaries that work for others, but after research, classes, and trial and error, we have developed a plan that works.
Photo from pexels.com
Richard joined the company I work at over a year after I had been working there. I was nervous that, instead of acting like my co-worker, Richard would be my husband and try to rescue me when I was trying to work with an angry student. I admit that the fiercely stubborn and independent part of me did not want my husband coming and taking over my turf. We both have strong personalities, and I didn’t want all my hard work to be diminished by the amazing work my husband does. So what did I do?
I communicated.
Communication is Key.
No matter what boundaries you establish to keep your relationship stable and a safe haven after a long day of work, communication is essential.
Photo from pexels.com
Communicating my fears and stresses to my husband helped us define areas where we needed to establish boundaries. And since we have begun working together, we continue to communicate. It is not a one time conversation. We have frequent conversations as new situations come up.
When we get home from work, we communicate about our emotional state:
“I need time to decompress”
“I have a lot of adrenaline and want to use it to get things done”
“Can you rub my feet for about ten minutes?”
Or, if it has been a really hard day: “Tonight is a pizza and ice cream night.” Sometimes we actually have pizza. Sometimes we don’t. Regardless, it’s a code that tells the other person that we have had the worst kind of day.
Photo by Shane on Unsplash
Here are a couple of other tips:
Give your partner time to decompress.
Truly listen to the things that stressed your partner about their work day.
Allow your partner a set amount of time (we usually take 30-45 minutes) to relax before having to jump right in to home responsibilities. It takes time to turn off the work switch and turn on the home switch.
If you have a job that allows this, leave work at work as much as possible. At the very least, keep the work emails and calls to a minimum at home.
Set aside specific and regular date time. (We have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so we get all of our tasks done on Monday, and Tuesday is our date day. We run a few errands here and there, but we reserve as much of Tuesday as we can for couple bonding and self care.
Have alone time. This is so important! Just because you are married doesn’t mean that private self care isn’t important. We each have specific time for alone time in which we are not expected to get any chores done – it is time for us to relax and rejuvenate.
Trial and error. It takes time – some things work and some things don’t. Your relationship is unique and needs its own kind of customization.
Have a conversation about areas where you can improve the balance between work and home with your partner. Set up at least one new boundary. After implementing, communicate about how that boundary is working and make adjustments as needed.
References
Althammer, S. E., Reis, D., Beek, S., Beck, L., & Michel, A. (2021). A mindfulness intervention promoting work–life balance: How segmentation preference affects changes in detachment, well‐being, and work–life balance. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/joop.12346
Dee, A. D. A., Dizon, L. C. T., Aldaba, J. R. M., & Teng-Calleja, M. (2020). “Work is life”: An interpretative phenomenological analysis of the experiences of work–life balance among nongovernment workers. International Perspectives in Psychology: Research, Practice, Consultation, 9(4), 230–246. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ipp0000147
Dousin, O., Collins, N., Bartram, T., & Stanton, P. (2021). The relationship between work‐life balance, the need for achievement, and intention to leave: Mixed‐method study. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 77(3), 1478–1489. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jan.14724
Reverberi, E., Manzi, C., Van Laar, C., & Meeussen, L. (2021). The impact of poor work-life balance and unshared home responsibilities on work-gender identity integration. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2021.1914715
Starmer, A. J., Frintner, M. P., Matos, K., Somberg, C., Freed, G., & Byrne, B. J. (2019). Gender discrepancies related to pediatrician work-life balance and household responsibilities. Pediatrics, 144(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1542/peds.2018-2926
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
BUT, having a healthy relationship with money can certainly increase the stability and happiness of your romantic and family relationships. Difficulties with money can be daunting and frustrating, but breaking things down and taking them a day at a time can really help with conquering the troubles that you are having. In fact, studies have shown that being financially stable is not so much about how much money you make, but about how you learn to manage it. Here are a few helpful tips to help you and your partner get your financial feet planted firmly in the ground:
1. Get on the same page.
When you first get married, you will notice that your spouse does a lot of things differently from you. They may load the dishwasher differently, have a different way of celebrating birthdays, or even have different ideas about who should cook the meals and how. These differences naturally come with the territory of being raised in two different families, and can also extend to more serious matters such as money. Maybe you were raised in a family that only shopped at Goodwill for clothes. Or maybe your mom took you out for a monthly pedicure and spa treatment. Differences in spending and saving practices are very normal and even good (they can help you balance each other out and practice healthier money habits), however, it’s important to acknowledge and communicate about this differences and how to handle them. Details like whether you are a spender or a saver can be helpful to discuss and understand even before you get married, so that you can properly prepare for a life together (click here to take a quiz and find out your money personality). Starting a habit of having a weekly budget meeting and discussing money habits can help you get on the right track to having a healthier relationship.
Speaking of budgets, make a plan, and STICK TO IT. Budgeting can seem really tedious, especially when you are first starting out. But, the more you work on developing these habits early on, the better off you will be in the future. There are several different ways to budget, and none of them is more right or wrong than the other. The key (like many other aspects of healthy relationships) is to find what works for you, and let that be your guide. For different budgeting ideas, check out this link here.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
One trick that my husband and I have learned is to include fun money in our budget. This is money that we are allowed to spend on whatever we want, whenever we want, no questions asked. We each have our own designated amount, and this money is set aside every month. We adjust the amount of fun money depending on how our budget changes and grows, but having this money set aside to use for whatever we want takes away some of the blah that can come with having to stick to our budgeting guns.
3. Start saving now.
It can be intimidating, especially at first, to think about putting money away for the future. It’s easy to think, “I really need this money now! I don’t have enough to put anything away for later.” Particularly when you’re just starting a family, using every penny of your paycheck can certainly be a reality. However, saving doesn’t have to start big. Consider skipping out on one Diet Coke from the gas station each paycheck, and instead putting the $5 into a savings account. You’ll be surprised how fast that money starts to grow. It can also be extremely helpful to save FIRST before doing anything else with your money. It’s much easier to just pretend like the money isn’t even there in the first place. Developing these habits now will really help you to better prepare for the future, whether you are saving the money for a possible emergency like an unexpected hospital bill or auto repair, or whether you are going for something more long-term like retirement.
4. Pay it forward.
Like we discussed in number two, money habits start developing in your family of origin when you are young. Teaching your kids good money-management skills now will help them to be more successful and happier in the future (not only that, but it might also mean that you won’t have to spend quite so much on them while they are still living under your roof). You can help them develop good money habits by helping them open their own bank/savings account, and encouraging them to work and begin saving or paying for things that they want (such as extra clothes, an ipad, trips to the movie theater or theme park, etc.). As they learn these skills along with the difference between needs and wants, kids will better understand the value and importance of hard work and will hopefully avoid the entitlement complex that we are seeing in so many young people today.
Photo by Hunter K. Fowler
Whether you are single, just getting married, or you have a well-established family of five, it is never too late to start being smart about money. Work on developing these good habits now, and the future of your relationships will be a lot brighter.
References
Becchetti, L., Corrado, L., & Rossetti, F. (2011). The heterogeneous effects of income changes on happiness. Social Indicators Research, 104(3), 387–406. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s11205-010-9750-0
Connors, S., Khamitov, M., Moroz, S., Campbell, L., & Henderson, C. (2016). Time, money, and happiness: Does putting a price on time affect our ability to smell the roses? Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 67, 60–64. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jesp.2015.08.005
Donnelly, G. E., Zheng, T., Haisley, E., & Norton, M. I. (2018). The amount and source of millionaires’ wealth (moderately) predict their happiness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(5), 684–699. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0146167217744766
Sherman, A., Shavit, T., & Barokas, G. (2020). A dynamic model on happiness and exogenous wealth shock: The case of lottery winners. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 21(1), 117–137. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-019-00079-w
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
We all know that it is important to express love, and many of us do so on a daily basis. But when was the last time that you expressed appreciation?
Saying thank you was something most of us were taught to do as children. But when the to-do lists and the stresses pile up, it is easy to forget those two little words – especially when it comes to our partner.
If you have not sincerely thanked your partner in a while, you might be thinking, “But my partner never does anything. I feel like I am doing all of the work.” Or you might be thinking, “But I work so hard, and I never get any thanks. I am the one who needs the appreciation!” Those may be valid feelings, and you can certainly communicate a need for more appreciation. But just like your parents probably taught you – you can’t control other people, only yourself.
The absence of “thank you” can quickly create burnout.
It is hard for people to feel motivated to work hard in their relationship if they are not appreciated. Burnout is common in my field of work, and after working in a human services capacity for years, I believe that it is even more important in maintaining and protecting a romantic relationship. When we tell our partner that we appreciate them, a specific quality about them, or something they have done, we are telling them that we notice their efforts. When people feel that their efforts are being noticed they are more likely to exert more effort into protecting and nurturing their relationship. In fact, research has shown that gratitude can actually facilitate and encourage other relationship-building behaviors such as spending quality time together! (Bartlett et. al, 2012)
Thank-yous can be simple.
Expressing appreciation needn’t be elaborate. Saying thank you is perfect because it is both incredibly simple and intensely meaningful. It only requires you to notice. It can be as simple as, “Hey, it meant a lot to me that I came home from work to a clean kitchen. Thank you so much for doing that for me.” Or, “Sweetheart, thank you for being so selfless this week. You have done so much for us, and it means a lot to me.” Or even, “I know you didn’t want to come shopping with me tonight, but I really appreciate you coming with me. Thank you for spending time with me.” It can be that simple. It just requires noticing and speaking up.
Create a culture of gratitude in your home.
Ultimately, the more that you practice expressing gratitude for your partner, the more you emphasize it’s importance and the more likely your partner is to express appreciation for you. (Armenta, Fritz, & Lyubomirsky, 2017) Without that culture, people feel unwanted, ignored and unimportant. And that is a terrible feeling to have in a marriage (or any relationship for that matter). When people feel that way, relationships suffer as a result. When people feel appreciated, however, they also feel wanted, needed, noticed and important. And when that happens, individuals and relationships thrive.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
References
Armenta, C. N., Fritz, M. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). Functions of Positive Emotions: Gratitude as a Motivator of Self-Improvement and Positive Change. Emotion Review, 9(3), 183–190. doi: 10.1177/1754073916669596
Bartlett, M. Y., Condon, P., Cruz, J., Baumann, J., & Desteno, D. (2012). Gratitude: Prompting behaviours that build relationships. Cognition & Emotion, 26(1), 2–13. doi: 10.1080/02699931.2011.561297
Layous K, Sweeny K, Armenta C, Na S, Choi I, Lyubomirsky S (2017) The proximal experience of gratitude. PLoS ONE 12(7): e0179123. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123
Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2019). Is Gratitude Always Beneficial to Interpersonal Relationships? The Interplay of Grateful Disposition, Grateful Mood, and Grateful Expression Among Married Couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 014616721984286. doi: 10.1177/0146167219842868
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Last but not least, let’s talk about service. Acts of service is both simple and complex. You can find its simplicity in the title, where what you see is what you get.
Service = doing something for someone else.
It’s complexity comes when applied to the context of different individuals with unique needs and desires. The trick to figuring out acts of service lies within your desire and ability to ask questions and try different things to help your partner feel the most loved.
Acts of service, like any other love language can be a tough one to navigate – especially if this is not your preferred love language. Because of this, I have decided to break this down into two parts. Part one is tips for the “giver” and it is a little bit more in depth. Part two is a bit more simple and includes tips for the “receiver.” The receiver portion is geared towards the individuals who have acts of service as their primary love language. The giver portion is geared toward the partner of these said individuals. All this being said, both portions have principles that can be beneficial for ALL who apply them.
Tips for the Giver:
1. “See the need, do the deed!” – Look around, observe, try to take on your partner’s point of view
Below, you will find two observation scenarios. Take a minute to think about what you would do in these scenarios and make your best decision based on what you learned from tip #1 “See the need, do the deed.” My hope is that these two exercises can get you thinking a little bit more the importance of perspective taking. Development of this skill takes time and may require plenty of patience and practice.
Scenario 1 – John comes home from a long day at work, exhausted and ready for dinner. He pulls the car in the garage and walks into the kitchen. There he sees his wife Jessica scrambling around trying to get dinner ready and his two year old daughter Lucy crying in her high chair. John walks over and picks up his daughter and instantly the potent smell of poopy diaper hits his nose. He glances over to the living room to see about three loads of laundry half folded – half spread around the room.
John knows how much Jessica values acts of service. What can he do to show her love, even though he too is needing a little love himself? (Hint: There is not just one right or wrong answer here.)
Scenario 2 – Brittney has been traveling for work and is so excited to come home and see her boyfriend, Bobby. It is finals week, and Bobby is completely swamped trying to work a full time job and survive his senior year of college classes. Brittney tells Bobby that she will swing by his house later with some food so they can eat dinner and spend some time together. When Brittney walks into the apartment, she immediately smells the stench of the pile of dishes sitting in the sink. Not only that, but the trash can is full and the cupboards are empty. Bobby has his school stuff spread out covering the entire kitchen table, and is looking stressed and tense.
Brittney knows how much Bobby values acts of service. What can she do to show him love, even though she too is needing a little love herself? (Hint: Once again, no right or wrong answer here.
2. “What can I do?” – Don’t be afraid to ASK for ways you can best serve them. There is just one caveat to this tip – sometimes your partner may not give you a good answer to this question, sometimes they may feel like they have to “do it all themselves.”
This can be challenging, but it is possible to overcome. In these cases, sometimes what you need to do is move back to tip number one, and just keep trying. The more you show them you want to serve them, the more they will be willing to let you do so.
Gary Chapman also recommends making what he calls “request lists” this is where each individual takes a minute and writes down 3-4 things that if your partner chose to do them, would make you feel loved. He simply states that lists are important because they help us think concretely. “Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
Take another minute to write out a physical list of requests. Have your partner do the same. This activity is pure magic if you will commit to implement what you learn about your partners needs and wants. These requests should be specific in nature and help you to know exactly what it is you and your partner need to feel loved. Remember, you can serve and serve all day, and still have it feel like not enough because sometimes it’s not so much about the act of service itself as it is the TYPE of service given.
Tips for the receiver:
1. Look for the offerings of service and be grateful for them. The practice of serving those they love may not come as easily to your partner as they do to you. In fact, perhaps the acts of service they are giving you are coming from a space of THEIR dominant love language instead of yours.
For example: Let’s say your partner values physical touch… In their mind, maybe giving you a little back rub is their physical way of serving you. Maybe your partner values quality time and takes off work one day to spend time with you.
Another example: Maybe gifts is what they love, so they serve you by buying you some nice dish washing gloves because they noticed your hands dry out from washing in the winter time.
In your mind, you may be thinking – “Why did you buy my these gloves? What I really want is for you to DO THE DISHES FOR ME!!” But to your partner, they are trying to serve you by offering the language that comes most naturally to them – Gifts.
Big or small, chances are your significant other is trying to show you love, they may just not know what exactly it is you need the most.
2. “Tell them what you want, what you really really want.” – Believe it or not, your partner is not a mind reader.
If there is something you would like them to do to show you love, do not be afraid to make that request. This goes back to what we talked about in tips for the giver #2. Sit down with your partner and make a list of 3-4 requests. Doing so will help you both show each other the love each of you needs in the way you need it.
In conclusion, I just want you to remember: these things take time. Just as you can’t learn Spanish or Swahili overnight, you can’t expect for you or your loved one to learn your love language overnight either. It takes practice, but it is always possible. Remember the bottom line for why you are doing what you are doing. It’s all about love… and with that love, you can accomplish anything.
References:
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(3), 234-244. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, take the opportunity to express appreciation to your spouse twice a day: once for something they do, and once for a quality you appreciate in them. At the end of the week, talk about how you have felt, and commit to keeping a culture of gratitude going in your marriage.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.