Power Couples

Sympathy vs. Empathy

No Comments
Written by Elisabeth Gray
Type the word Empathy into Google Scholar, Wikipedia, any library search function, or scholarly works database and I’ve found that you can access enough information to spend the rest of your life studying the topic. Empathy, as well as compassion and connection, are heavily studied topics in today’s society and skills that are slipping away from a very disconnected and “plugged in” people. My purpose in writing this article is to help us all improve our ability to respond empathetically to those we associate with and in so doing increase satisfaction with our relationships.
So why is it important to have empathy, and not just sympathy for others? 
In Brené Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, she illustrates beautifully how compassion and empathy work together to create connection and understanding. Brené shares an experience where she felt embarrassed and mortified in front of a crowd and how she then turned to her sister, Ashley, as a listening ear to share her feelings with. “Ashley was amazing. She listened and responded with total compassion. She had the courage to tap into her own struggles with worthiness so that she could genuinely connect to what I was experiencing. She said wonderfully honest and empathetic things like, “Oh man. That’s so hard. I’ve done that dance. I hate that feeling!…Ashley was willing to be in my darkness with me. She wasn’t there as my helper or to fix me; she was just with me – as an equal – holding my hand as I waded through my feelings.”
Where empathy creates and fuels connection, sympathy actually causes disconnection. Having sympathy for others rather than empathy automatically places them on a lower level than us. It drives us to try and “fix” the problem (or even the person!) rather than helping us meet them as an equal to share in an experience of feeling together.
We’ve shared this video before, but I think it is an excellent explanation of the differences between sympathy and empathy.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Pema Chodron (an American Tibetan Buddhist, ordained nun, acharya and disciple of Chögyam Trungpa) states beautifully, “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” I feel that to really empathize best, we have to cast aside our pride and our desire to gain any advantage in the conversation and then be willing to put ourselves in a vulnerable place. A stumbling block for me when trying to respond empathetically has been the fear of feeling vulnerable and taking on someone else’s emotions. Maybe some of you reading this have the same fears. Take comfort in the fact that vulnerability and the possibility of rejection is scary for everyone, and the fact that someone is opening up to you most likely means that they trust you and are willing to offer you the same grace that you extend to them.
I like lists and I like knowing what the steps are to accomplishing things, so here are a few tools that might help you in connecting and empathizing with someone.

1. Appropriate Self-Disclosure 

This is a tricky one because it can be helpful, but if used inappropriately can either lead to discomfort or betrayed trust (for example, if we offer more vulnerability and disclosure than a relationship is ready for), or it can turn into a “my car is bigger than your car” kind of thing. So here are a few guidelines:
  • Make sure it benefits the other person and not yourself
  • Avoid being a “thunder-stealer”
  • Make sure its relevant to the situation
  • Share your own experiences, not others

    man in blue crew neck shirt
    Photo by Marie-Michèle Bouchard on Unsplash

2. Active Listening

This is key to really any productive and successful conversation. Humans have a great desire to be heard and understood so learning to be a good listener will help you be a better spouse, friend, employee/employer, etc. Here are a few guidelines:
  • Ensure your body language shows you are listening – have a relaxed posture, put aside any distraction, maintain appropriate eye contact.
  • Respond at the right times. It’s okay to not have a response for everything. You can still be actively listening by stating, “Wow, I don’t know what to say. That has to be so hard.” Learn to be comfortable with silence – sometimes all that someone needs is solidarity.

3. Unconditional Acceptance

This means that judgments and your evaluation of their feelings are not offered. This is not the time to give suggestions or do a psychoanalysis. Those conversations can happen later, but to really create openness and understanding we just need to listen and validate. In order for someone to feel safe to share with you, it is important to establish a pattern of loving and accepting them unconditionally. 
adult-adventure-casual-669007
Photo from pexels.com

4. Take on their perspective and lay yours to the side

This is a good time to apply the old adage that to truly know someone we must walk a mile in their shoes. Know that this takes practice. It isn’t easy to set aside prejudices or assumptions that have sometimes been drilled into our subconscious since birth. It takes courage and conscious thought to step outside of our limited reality, and to try and see the world as someone else does.
Brené says it perfectly: “Empathy is a CHOICE.” It is up to us to choose whether or not we will allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to truly connect and feel with others. The next time someone you love approaches you with a call for connection, take a chance on responding with empathy – it’ll only bring you closer. 

References

Brown, B. C. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
Riker, J. H. (2020). Empathy, compassion, and meditation: A vision for a Buddhist self psychology. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 40(5), 327–339. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/07351690.2020.1766323
Sinclair, S., Beamer, K., Hack, T. F., McClement, S., Raffin Bouchal, S., Chochinov, H. M., & Hagen, N. A. (2017). Sympathy, empathy, and compassion: A grounded theory study of palliative care patients’ understandings, experiences, and preferences. Palliative Medicine, 31(5), 437–447. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0269216316663499
Soto-Rubio, A., & Sinclair, S. (2018). In defense of sympathy, in consideration of empathy, and in praise of compassion: A history of the present. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 55(5), 1428–1434. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2017.12.478
Wieck, C., Kunzmann, U., & Scheibe, S. (2021). Empathy at work: The role of age and emotional job demands. Psychology and Aging, 36(1), 36–48. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/pag0000469

headshot

Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
Continue Reading

commUNITY, Power Couples, Project Parent

3 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Struggling with Infertility

No Comments
Opinion Piece Written by Richard Palmer
Infertility is typically defined as not being able to get pregnant after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex. Just about everyone knows at least one person who is struggling to get pregnant. And if you can’t think of someone right off the bat, I can guarantee that there is someone close to you that maybe just hasn’t told you they are struggling. In fact, according to the CDC, 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. Furthermore, after six months of trying, only 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance. That leaves 40% that may end up needing some type of fertility treatment! Usually when we think about infertility we only think about the woman’s side of things. While this is very important and we should be sensitive with this topic, men are often forgotten in the equation. Truth be told, infertility is oftentimes just as hard on men as it is on women. In this article, I’d like to share about some of my own personal struggles with infertility, and address some of the common responses that I have received as I have opened up to people about the battle my wife and I are enduring.
Note: This post largely consists of my own personal experiences. Be aware that everyone’s journey with infertility is different, and therefore, someone may wish to be approached about their own personal journey in a different way from mine.

First reactions.

When talking to people about future plans or about any topic related to families, most people will ask “so do you want kids”? Before I say anything else, let me first address the fact that someone else’s family planning is not your business. You never know what someone may be going through, so unless they bring it up themselves, or it is someone that you are really close with, don’t ask that question in the first place. Whenever I am asked this question, my response is always the same, “Of course I do. Unfortunately, my wife and I have been blessed with infertility and are currently going through treatments so that we can.” (More on why I say “blessed with,” later) More often than not people will get very quiet and give me a look as if I had told them that I enjoy sticking pencils up my nose. Then, without a doubt, I get one of three responses. First, I will either get a question about adoption, second, I’ll hear a statement about how lucky I am, or lastly, I’ll get a story about how they knew of someone else who did this random thing and got pregnant. To be honest, these responses are incredibly frustrating. I do understand that people are trying to help and be comforting. Let’s be real, though, these responses are not helpful. All I really want is for someone to say, “Dude that sucks, I am sorry that’s happening,” and move on.
pair of baby's pink knit shoes on bench
Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

“You could always just adopt.”

Adoption is a wonderful blessing for so many people. And I can guarantee that the majority of couples who are struggling with infertility have had many conversations with each other about the possibility of adoption. But to someone in the thick of a battle with infertility, saying things like, “Well, you can always adopt!” can really hurt. For some, adoption is just not a currently viable option due to cost or living situation. For others, the pain of thinking about giving up on having their own biological child is just too much. The best move is to assume that the couple has already considered this option, and to allow them to bring it up themselves if it is something they want to discuss with you.

I am lucky?

Hearing that I am lucky that I can’t have kids right now is one of the most frustrating comments to receive. Oftentimes, the people who tell me I am lucky are single and have no ambition to have a family in their current lifestyle (note that I have gotten this comment from both men and women). To me, infertility is not luck, it is a difficult and unfortunate part of life that my wife and I have to struggle through together. I do not care that we’re not at risk of having an “oops baby”, or that I get “unlimited sex”. I do not care that it means my wife and I don’t have to take care of a crying baby all through the night. I would take an “oops”, I would give up “unlimited sex”, I would gladly rock my crying baby all through the night if it meant that I got to be a father. If you are ever tempted to tell someone who is struggling with infertility how lucky they are, stop and think. Try stepping into their shoes to gain an understanding of what it means to feel such an incredible yearning and loss for something that can’t yet be part of your life.
gray textile hanging on brown wicker basket
Photo by Nynne Schrøder on Unsplash

Why advice does not help…and what you can do instead.

Oftentimes, we use advice as a defense mechanism. When we are uncomfortable, we try and offer a bit of wisdom to help make a trial that someone is going through seem a little more manageable, and a little less scary. While advice-giving is well-meaning, it can feel like a punch to the gut. As if my wife and I haven’t already tried everything we could think of (and that the internet and doctors could think of) to help us get pregnant. Almost two years ago, I was talking to an older man who had gone through the same thing earlier in his life. After struggling with infertility, he and his wife chose to adopt two girls from Korea (where his wife is from). As we were talking, he said a few things that stood out to me. First, he said that “he and his wife were blessed with infertility”. Second, he mentioned that, “It’s a pain no one can understand without going through the fire of doctors and medicine”. And third, “People’s advice is the hardest thing to hear. They speak on a matter they know nothing about, but act as if they are experts. Talking about their friend’s sister’s uncle who had issues and miraculously got pregnant because of a diet they did, or a sex position they tried.” For me, this man hit the nail on the head. Unless they have gone through it themselves, people don’t truly understand the pain of battling the “blessing of infertility”, but they still talk like they get it. Rather than acting like you know how to solve the problem, instead reach out with love, kindness, and a desire to understand. You don’t have to fix someone’s struggle in order to help them. Silent solidarity, a hug, or even just an acknowledgment of their struggle (again, “Man, that sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through that”) is often far better than trying to offer up what will most likely be not very helpful advice. Also, it’s important to remember that unless someone directly asks for ideas for sex positions to try, assume they don’t want to know. That is a private and intimate part of  life that should remain between partners.
beautiful-bloom-blooming-607013
Photo from pexels.com

So What DO You Say?

When discussing someone’s struggle with infertility (or any struggle really), the best policy is to “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Personally, all I really want is to be treated normally. And I believe that the majority of people who are experiencing infertility are in the same boat. We are not a ticking bomb that you have to walk on eggshells around. It’s lonely knowing that you are part of such a small community in the world that has this issue, and the best way to remedy that loneliness is through genuine connection. Be honest about your comfort level with the subject — if it makes you uncomfortable to talk to someone about their infertility, then let them know. That is okay! And feel free to ask non-invasive questions. Stop, think, and reach out in empathy.

Figure out where you are with talking about infertility. Talk to your partner about what it means to you to have a child or to want a child, and cherish the heck out of your family or significant other.

References
https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/infertility/
https://resolve.org/infertility-101/what-is-infertility/fast-facts/

 

 

res_1481747586778

Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Continue Reading

Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

Postpartum Expression

No Comments
Written by Shirley Anderson
As a new mom myself, I am all too familiar with the many changes that accompany postpartum. The complete joy; the exhaustion; the new family dynamics; the physical recovery; the bonding; the new body; modified social and work dynamics and countless other changes that one truly can’t prepare for.
Experiences during postpartum vary widely, ranging from tears of discouragement to inexplicable joy—sometimes within a matter of minutes! In hopes of shedding some light on the realities of postpartum, I’ve asked over a dozen new moms about their experiences. These brave mothers candidly share the highs and lows of their transition into motherhood; how they find solace on hard days and invaluable advice for expectant moms. The full interview can be found  here.
In this post, I’ve summarized their responses into four essential tips on how to thrive in postpartum, and included some experiences of women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety integrated with what the experts have to say about it.

#1 Be Patient With Yourself

Being patient with yourself is key in postpartum! It takes practice to learn how to best meet your baby’s needs, and communication with an infant can be tricky. Be kind to yourself as you learn the ropes of motherhood.
woman carrying baby
Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash
“It is easy to be overwhelmed and feel like I am not enough or I am not doing enough. Even if I feel like I am a good mom 99% of the time I tend to dwell on the one moment I lost my patience for a second.”
Remember to avoid comparing your progress with your perception of other moms. Everyone’s journey looks different, and things are rarely as they seem.
“Nowadays with social media you can see everybody’s perfect moments, and not their everyday, and so that’s what you compare to. They look happy, their house is so clean, why isn’t mine? But you have to remember that every situation is different and what people post isn’t always reality.”

#2 Take Time to Recharge

Being 100% responsible for a little one can be really taxing. Surrounding yourself with family and friends who can support you in this new endeavor makes a world of difference. Research has shown that the well-being of first time mothers is indicative of the support of her social network (Leahy et al., 2012). Just as the old proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Use your village!
adorable-affection-baby-1257110
Photo from pexels.com
“Bring on a trusted team of helpers to help care for your baby, husband, kids and you. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You need all of the strength to get you through the first few months, especially.”
Self-care is crucial to maintaining our identity outside of motherhood. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and then make the time to do them! You will feel refreshed and be better able to care for your loved ones.
“I think once I get out of the house I feel a lot better. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block. Sometimes the only way to get out of the house is with messy hair and no makeup but I always feel better.”

#3 Trust Your Intuition

Many people will have opinions on what is ‘best.’ Trust your intuition! You are more than capable to care for your baby as you see fit.
woman carrying baby while walking
Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash
“DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Mom-guilt is real and I can really be hard on myself, especially when I feel like I’m not living up to expectations (either ones that I have set for myself, or ones that I feel like others have for me).”
Our motherhood journeys will all look different because each mother, baby and situation are unique. Remember to “go with your gut” and do what you feel is best—even if it isn’t popular among friends or family.
“Rather than doing what the books tell you to do or everything that others tell you to do, trust yourself. You do have motherly instincts and they’ll kick in to help you. Books and advice from others are there to simply make your life easier and bring you more joy, so if that advice is taking away the joy of motherhood, then let it go and do things your way.”

#4 Redefine Success

Success in motherhood looks different! In the first few weeks after my baby was born, I had a hard time feeling successful at the end of each day. My to-do list became extremely simple (ex. ‘take a shower,’ or ‘clip baby’s nails’). I became disenchanted with the monotony of my small accomplishments.
“When another person depends on you for everything, suddenly the easiest household tasks seem monumental—especially on limited sleep.”
I’ve since learned that success isn’t completing a well thought out to-do list! I fed, diapered, sang to, read to, played with, soothed and cherished my baby all day long (tasks that didn’t appear on my to-do list). To me, that has become success.
“…this tiny sweet person will only be little for so long. I am slowly learning to not sweat the small things and that playing hide and seek is much more important than finishing the laundry.”

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

“Postpartum depression is a real thing, and I think every new mom no matter if she experiences it or not, is a soldier for what she goes through. Virtually no part of your body, mind, or soul goes untouched after becoming a mother.”
Approximately 8–14 % of US women experience postpartum depression, yet fewer than half of these women ever receive treatment (Farr et al., 2016). This often stems from the notion that postpartum depression and anxiety are not permanent conditions and that you can just “ride-it-out.” When left unacknowledged or untended, these conditions can have lasting effects and overshadow the joys of motherhood.
beautiful-blue-flora-80277
Photo from pexels.com
It’s important to educate yourself on both the typical and atypical symptoms of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety/OCD. Click here and here for two different articles that help explain these symptoms.  
After giving birth, there is a significant shift in hormones that often cause mothers to experience mood swings. A few blue days of feeling tired and overwhelmed are considered ‘typical’ while extended periods of feeling hopeless are not. If you are consumed by feelings of sadness, guilt or anxiousness, reach out and get the help you need.  
“DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. I started seeing my therapist as soon as my anxiety felt higher than normal after giving birth. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so my husband and I were on alert, knowing that I was at a higher risk for postpartum. Getting professional help has really helped me to keep going.”
“I now know I had postpartum anxiety/OCD after B was born. For the first few months I hardly slept or would leave my baby alone in a room. I was so worried about him and his safety. It was hard because I was worried that I would feel like that forever. I of course still worry about him but not in the same obsessive way. I was ashamed to tell anyone my “crazy” thoughts and feelings and didn’t reach out when I needed to the most.”

Conclusion:

The key to THRIVING in postpartum is not going at it alone or with unrealistic expectations. Celebrate the mundane but important victories and surround yourself with a support network that validates you in the most important undertaking you will ever face!
As you hit that daily wall of “I have no idea what I am doing” or experience the euphoria of “I’m so happy my heart could burst”, take a step back and remember that this is the nature of motherhood and that you are in good company.

References

Farr, S. L., Ko, J. Y., Burley, K., & Gupta, S. (2016). Provider communication on perinatal depression: A population-based study. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 19(1), 35–40. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00737-014-0493-9
Hussmann, M. D. (2021). Demystifying first-time mothers’ postpartum mental health: A phenomenological study of the transition to becoming a mother [ProQuest Information & Learning]. In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol. 82, Issue 8–B).
Leahy, W. P., McCarthy, G., & Corcoran, P. (2012). First‐time mothers: Social support, maternal parental self‐efficacy and postnatal depression. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 21(3–4), 388–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1365-2702.2011.03701.x
Lee, H. Y., Edwards, R. C., & Hans, S. L. (2019). Young first-time mothers’ parenting of infants: The role of depression and social support. Maternal and Child Health Journal. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10995-019-02849-7

 

 

IMG_20180509_194208

Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Continue Reading

Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…)

No Comments
Written by Rian Gordon
Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.

1. Feeling leads to healing

The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
person cutting piece of paper
Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash
Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”

2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us

Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
anxious-emotion-hand-89643
Photo from pexels.com
It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.

3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions

Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
  • Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
  • Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
  • Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
  • Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.

2557279_orig
Photo by Courtney Tipton

Conclusion

The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/theory-knowledge/201701/understanding-emotions-and-how-process-them
http://www.willmeekphd.com/processing-emotions/
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004

 

 

 

4B3A0538edit
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

 

 

 

Continue Reading

Project Parent

Practical Parenting Tips for Media Usage

No Comments
Written by Mariah Ramage
In a world filled with media, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. There are so many options for what to watch, listen to, or read, and technology allows for so many different ways to access those options. Media and technology are also constantly evolving. The internet, smartphones, tablets, internet-connected televisions — none of these options even existed just a few decades ago. As a parent, it can feel like a daunting task to both keep up with the changes and to help children navigate the media world safely.
Media usage has both benefits and risks. It can be a great way to connect with friends and get needed support when you are struggling. It can be used to raise awareness of important issues around the world. It also allows for new ideas, research, and other information to be shared between millions and even billions of people.
On the other hand, overuse has been linked to obesity and poor sleep. Preoccupation with media usage can lead children to disengage with real-life, with regards to both in-person relationships as well as responsibilities like schoolwork. There are also the online dangers of cyberbullying and sexting, which can have severe consequences for a child’s mental health.
So parents, where do you even start? Here are some tips on how you as a parent can help your children get the best out of media:

1. Awareness of content.

There is both good and bad content available in all forms of media. Rating systems exist, but let’s be realistic here: they’re confusing. They aren’t standardized across different types of media, and it’s not always clear what a specific rating means. This means you need to be familiar with exactly what your child is being exposed to, not just what the rating is. One website that makes this easier is Common Sense Media: You can get details on educational value, positive messages, positive role models and representations, violence and scariness, sexual content, language, consumerism, and drinking, drugs, and even smoking. You can read reviews from parents and children including age suggestions. My favorite part about this site is that it includes all media types – movies, TV, YouTube, books, games, apps, and websites – some of which don’t even have official rating systems.
  • An extra tip for when ratings actually do come in handy: For TV shows, every episode is rated separately. So while you might approve of a show in general, there might be an episode or two you would want to avoid. To know which ones, it’s useful to know what the content labels mean for TV shows:

TV_Ratings

2. Limits for children ages 0-5 years old.

While the growing brains of this age group makes it so they may learn how to use smart devices (perhaps even quicker than you did), they also don’t have the ability yet to tell the difference between the real world and the digital world. And so, the American Academy of Pediatrics has very specific recommendations for technology use:
  • Limit screen use to video-chat only for children under 2 years old.
  • Limit screen use to 1 hour a day of high-quality media for children 2-5, and watch with your children to help explain things and apply it to the real world for them. They still don’t know a lot about the world, so while the connections may seem obvious to you, they could use some explanations. One particularly good program for this age is Sesame Street – they use research to make sure their episodes are developmentally appropriate!
baby-boy-child-159533
Photo from pexels.com

3. Limits for children age 6 years old and up.

For older children and teenagers, it is important to have consistent limits for time spent on media and the types of media used. When in doubt, make sure kids have enough time for sleep, physical activity, schoolwork, chores, etc. and then let media fill in the gaps. When media goes first, you risk not having enough time for the things important to health and real life responsibilities. Also, know how to use the parental controls on your devices and streaming sites, like Netflix, to limit exposure to inappropriate content. If you’re unsure how to use them, try Googling it – you are most likely not the only one who has had that question.

4. Media-free zones and times.

Media is pervasive and can be invasive. Help your children by providing times and spaces for them to disconnect. There are different options for how this can look in your family, such as phone-free family dinners or a TV-free playroom. In particular, devices and TVs should be kept out of bedrooms when children should be getting ready for bed and sleeping. This will help limit how media use impacts sleep and decrease unsupervised/unmonitored media use.
three people having a toast on table
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

5. Social Media.

Facebook is just the beginning. There are new social media sites and apps popping up every day, with varying degrees of popularity. Know which ones your child is using. Make sure the privacy settings are such that strangers won’t be able to track or target your child. Explain the safety concerns with using social media and the importance of not connecting with people they haven’t met before in real life. And equally important, teach them how to behave online. It is easy to be rude online when you can’t see the other person’s face. A good standard to set is if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, you shouldn’t do it online either. Teach them that they’re never really anonymous and what they say online can last forever — so make sure it’s something that they want to stick around or it might end up haunting them.
  • Bonus Tip: Using the same social media that your child does can help you to understand what it is and what it can mean to them. And it can encourage them to think twice before posting something if they know you’re going to see it.

6. Above all, teach your child how to judge media for themselves.

You’re not always going to be able to protect them from the negativity that is out there. Start when your kids are young with age-appropriate conversations. If they see something on TV that you don’t want them to copy, use it as a conversation-starter, an opportunity to talk about why what they saw was wrong and how they should behave instead. Teach them to be active consumers – questioning and critiquing what they see, not just absorbing it.
blur-close-up-colored-pens-213015
Photo from pexels.com
There you have it. Six practical tips for parenting in the digital age. Just remember, these tips aren’t always easy to implement. No parent is perfect, and children love to push limits. You may not always be doing as well as you’d like with limiting and monitoring your children’s media usage, but you can always start again tomorrow.
And for those of you who may be wondering where to start with implementing these tips, check out the Family Media Use Plan from the American Academy of Pediatrics. You enter how old your children are, and it will walk you through the steps of deciding what boundaries you want to set for your children’s (and your own) media usage.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics Announces New Recommendations for Children’s Media Use. (2016, October 21). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Announces-New-Recommendations-for-Childrens-Media-Use.aspx
Media Use in Children and Adolescents. (2017, October 24). Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/ACH-News/General-News/Media-Use-in-Children-and-Adolescents
Family Media Use Plan. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx
Common Sense Media. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
TV Parental Guidelines. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://rating-system.wikia.com/wiki/TV_Parental_Guidelines

 

 

me

Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Continue Reading