If your goal is happiness, you may be doing life wrong.
Of course we all want to be happy. We want our lives and the lives of our loved ones to be filled with happiness. But is that really the goal? Can we ever “achieve” happiness? A plethora of research says, “no”.
Because there is so much more to life than being happy.
Happiness cannot be a viable goal, because it is a fleeting emotion. Emotions don’t last. They come and go. In a recent study, researchers asked one group of participants to prioritize happiness, and another group to prioritize meaning. They evaluated the participants over a period of 12 months. The researchers found that in general the participants focusing on happiness were not happier. They had not met their goal. However, those who had sought meaning reported higher levels of satisfaction, resilience, and hope. Another study on meaning demonstrated that those who reported having highly meaningful lives were more resilient, had better academic and vocational performance, and greater longevity.
Martin Seligman is at the forefront of developing and researching positive psychology. He has discovered that happiness has very little to do with our circumstances. For example, people who win the lottery only experience increased happiness for about 3 months before returning back to their original degree of happiness. And after an average of 6 months of misery, paraplegics report the same degree of happiness as they experienced when they had all of their limbs. Happiness is not about circumstance. And because it is an emotion, it will come and go.
Creating meaning, on the other hand, is a viable and powerful goal, and happiness can actually be a byproduct of creating meaning. Many people talk about finding meaning, but I don’t like that idea because it removes personal ownership. My responsibility isn’t to find meaning and purpose, but to create it. I am the author of my own story. More than that, finding sounds like a happy accident. Creating illustrates that this is work. And it is. Creating a meaningful life is real, hard work.
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In 2011, I was told that I would have to have several major hip surgeries which would end my career as a contemporary dancer. I reacted to the change in circumstances with bitterness and anger. It took two years for me to be back on my feet and reasonably functioning.
On top of that was the loss of a dear friend, and some severe crises within my family. I was a bitter, broken, traumatized shell of a human with no direction and no sense of belonging, and I was so angry because of it.
Eventually I pulled together and began taking my own growth seriously. I studied and read everything I could find. I began seeing a therapist, and then I began volunteering in my community and things really started to look up. I also began building relationships around me, and their connection and support was invaluable. Many of these people literally saved my life, and more importantly, my sense of being. I have developed a great life that I absolutely love. Because life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.
Photo by Aubrey Dawn-Palmer
How do we create meaning? Well, that’s another topic, which I will cover next week. For now, let me say, Meaning is deeper than happiness. According to Martin Seligman, “meaning comes from belonging to and serving something beyond yourself and developing the best within you.”
Life isn’t about being happy. We all have crises and challenges. Happiness will come and go. But developing a strong sense of meaning helps us thrive within the pain. It connects us to the world in a remarkable way. It gives us direction, gratitude, and I would even say, a sense of awe. Mostly, creating meaning helps us treasure the things that matter most.
Spend the next week examining your life goals and perspective. Are you more concerned about being happy or creating meaning? Identify at least one way to increase meaning in your life this week and work on changing your perspective from “When ____ happens, I’ll be happy” to “How can this make my life more meaningful?” The next article will specifically address ways to increase meaning in your life, but brainstorming ahead of time will really help you personalize it.
References
Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
How much sleep did you get last night? Did you stay up long past when you felt tired enough to go to bed? Why? Were you trying to finish a project for work? Were you caught up in a good book and unable to put it down? If so, you may have fallen into the trap of believing sleep to be a nuisance – something that just gets in the way of having fun or being productive. And you’re not alone – more than 80 million American adults are chronically sleep deprived (Finkel, 2018, p. 66).
Since the invention of electric lights, it’s easier to avoid sleep in favor of other activities. We try to make up for it with caffeine and power naps, but those aren’t solutions. Science tells us that there are reasons for getting good sleep every night – benefits of getting enough and detriments of not.
When you get enough sleep, you have improved attention, behavior, learning, memory, emotional regulation, quality of life, and mental and physical health (Bocknek et al., 2018). Sleep is when our brains stop collecting information and take the time to consolidate and edit the new information from the day. Our brains decide which memories to keep and which to toss. Sleep has an incredible power to reinforce memory – something I would think you’d especially want the night before a big test, rather than pulling an all-nighter to cram. Sleep also allows our brains to make connections you might never have consciously formed – there’s a reason for the adage: “sleep on it”.
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When you’re sleeping, your body makes physical and mental housekeeping and repairs. It’s time for your body to make sure it will keep working for you the way that it is supposed to. That time helps you maintain a healthy immune system, body temperature, and blood pressure. Certain hormones are best produced when you’re asleep, like human growth hormone – it’s why children sleep more during growth spurts, and it’s what helps adults maintain a healthy weight.
If you regularly sleep less than 6 hours a night, you have a higher risk of depression, psychosis, stroke, and obesity. You have an increased risk for injuries and hypertension. You can’t regulate your moods well or recover as swiftly from injuries. You weaken your immune system so you’re more likely to get sick.
Beyond the individual, widespread sleep deprivation is linked to reduced productivity, increased work absences, industrial and road accidents, healthcare expenses, and medical errors, which combined can literally cost countries billions of dollars per year.
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Given all these reasons, why do we still deprive ourselves of sleep? Who even knows how much sleep they’re supposed to be getting to not suffer from sleep deprivation? That number changes as you age and can be found below:
4-12 months old need 12-16 hours (including naps)
1-2 years old need 11-14 hours (including naps)
3-5 years old need 10-13 hours (including naps)
6-12 years old need 9-12 hours
13-18 years old need 8-10 hours
18+ years old need 7 or more hours per night
Tips for Getting Enough Sleep
If you’re struggling to get enough sleep, there are changes you can make to your daily habits to help yourself:
No screens for 30 minutes before bed. The light from the screens interrupts your body’s natural efforts to get ready to sleep. If you’re using screens in the evening, see if your device has a Night Light feature: it shifts the screen colors to the warmer end of the light spectrum that have less of an impact on your body.
No electronics in the bedroom. It’s easier to avoid screens before bed if they’re in a different room. If you need to keep your phone nearby, use the Do Not Disturb feature so it’s not vibrating with every notification – especially in the middle of the night.
Develop a bedtime routine. Having a routine can help both children and adults. Doing the same thing in the same order every night before bed tells your body it’s time to go to sleep. You can customize your routine to whichever tasks you need: wash your face, brush your teeth, read a book, pick out your clothes for the next day, etc.
Be consistent. Similar to having a routine, it’s easier on your internal clock if you go to bed and get up at the same time every day. There are certainly going to be evenings where you stay up late for something and mornings where you sleep in, but don’t let those be the norm.
Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash
And in the end, remember, sleep is not an interruption of life. It is a necessity. So stop fighting it. You’ll see the benefits.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics Supports Childhood Sleep Guidelines. (2016, June 13). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Supports-Childhood-Sleep-Guidelines.aspx
Bocknek, E. L., Richardson, P. A., van den Heuvel, M. I., Qipo, T., & Brophy-Herb, H. E. (2018). Sleep moderates the association between routines and emotion regulation for toddlers in poverty. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(7), 966–974. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/fam0000433
Finkel, M. (2018, August). Want to Fall Asleep? Read This Story. National Geographic, 40-77.
Gruber, R. (2013). Making room for sleep: The relevance of sleep to psychology and the rationale for development of preventative sleep education programs for children and adolescents in the community. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie Canadienne, 54(1), 62–71. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0030936
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
As a recovering perfectionist, this is a truth I am learning to embrace.
I have always tried to justify my perfectionism by telling myself that perfectionism is a good thing, that perfectionism is just me striving to improve myself. In reality, though, perfectionism holds you and I back from being our very best selves.
In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,”Brené Brown describes that, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best….Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.… Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
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Let that sink in a little. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life so worried about what other people think that I don’t live freely, bravely, and authentically.
In a recent study of 41,641 college students, researchers Curran and Hill (2017) found that perfectionism has increased significantly over the past twenty-seven years. Curran and Hill speculate that this increase is likely due to society becoming increasingly individualistic and materialistic. In addition, young people are faced with more unrealistic expectations than previous generations.
So what can we do about it?
First, calm the comparisons.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In our current society, especially with the influence of social media, it can be so easy to compare ourselves with the best in other people, but this can steal our joy.
In her book “For the Love,” Jen Hatmaker describes how easy it is to fall into this trap of comparison. She explains, “the trouble is, we have close-up access to [people] who excel in each individual sphere. With social media and its carefully selected messaging… we make note of their achievements… then we combine the best of everything we see, every woman (or man) we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that.”
If we step back from the screen, however, we are able to recognize how unfair it is to compare ourselves with the very best in other people. Rather than compare, take time to recognize that we each have unique strengths and gifts that we bring to the world. Appreciate your own talents and successes and compliment the talents and successes of others without making it a competition.
Second, challenge the “all-or-nothing” mentality.
Perfectionism thrives on an “all-or-nothing” mentality. According to therapists at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Center of Los Angeles, “all-or-nothing thinking refers to thinking in extremes. You are either a success or a failure. Your performance was totally good or totally bad. If you are not perfect, then you are a failure. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray, and can be responsible for a great deal of negative evaluations of yourself and others.”
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Here are a few examples:
Example 1:You lose your patience with your child. Rather than beat yourself up with thoughts like, “I am such a bad mom!” try something more kind such as, “I am a good mom who lost her patience.”
Example 2:You set a goal to exercise five days this week but you miss a day. Rather than jump to thoughts like, “I am so lazy! I never do what I say I am going to do!” try something like, “I did not exercise today, but I have done really well the other days. I am excited to try again tomorrow!”
Example 3:You show up late to a meeting. Rather than fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking with comments like, “I am always late! I am so irresponsible. Why do I even try?” try thinking something more positive such as, “I did not make it right on time to the meeting, but I still came which shows my dedication. I am proud of myself for showing up.”
Rather than only seeing yourself as a “success” or “failure,” try giving yourself a little grace and some space to be human.
Third, embrace being a beginner.
As a perfectionist, it is easy to fall into the trap of not trying things simply due to fear of failure or fear of what people might think. The trouble with that, though, is that when we cease to experience we cease to become. Trying things and learning from our experiences is an essential part of being human.
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AnxietyBC explains that, “having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect… Facing fears in a gradual and consistent manner is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that–gradually and purposely making mistakes and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.”
So next time you want to bow out, avoid a situation, or say no simply because you are afraid of failure, choose courage. Enjoy the fun of giving yourself permission to be imperfect. Embrace mistakes as growth opportunities.
Conclusion
Overcoming perfectionistic tendencies isn’t easy, but it does open up a world of joy and opportunity we can’t fully experience when we are grasping onto the idea of “perfection”. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, and remember, you are enough.
Do something that sounds fun to you without worrying about what other people might think! Turn up the music and dance your heart out, sing your favorite song with the windows rolled down, or wear that outfit you absolutely love but that hides in the back of your closet because it’s not “in style.”
References
Brown, B. C. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2017, December 28). Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138
Hatmaker, J. (2015). For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
Talking to your kids about sex is important, and it is not a one-time conversation. Discussing sexuality with your kids should be a relatively frequent conversation because the development and needs of children change as they mature. Growing up can be confusing, and talking about sensitive material can make parents uncomfortable. But as a parent, you are your child’s primary educator. What you say and what you don’t say teaches your children about sexuality, body image, and romantic relationships. Reflect: How do you approach touchy topics? What could you be verbally and nonverbally teaching your children? Here’s a crash course to help you guide your child through all the emotions and hormones and questions and relationships.
1. Remove the culture of shame.
Remember that as the parent, you are their number one resource for messages about sex. Like I said, what you say and what you don’t say communicates a lot to your kids. And kids are smart. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, your kids will sense that. If you freak out when your kids ask questions, they will stop asking and instead will turn to answers from Google and the locker room. My guess is that you don’t want that. There’s a lot of inaccurate information out there. The way you approach sexuality must be natural and comfortable to prevent kids from feeling ashamed of their questions and completely natural feelings changes in their bodies.
2. Answer questions honestly.
Provide age appropriate, honest, and medically accurate answers. In this climate, professionals agree that children should know the basic process of sex and its function by the time they are eight years old. When I tell parents this, some agree and some panic. That’s understandable. But the world is become hypersexualized. And remember, the average age of first exposure to pornography is age ten. If your child saw pornography, but had never had a conversation about healthy sexuality with you, their reaction to that stimulus could be negative and even damaging. By being honest about where babies come from, you remove shame and awkwardness as well as confusion and curiosity.
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If you are uncomfortable answering a question, practice in the mirror. Children hear some crazy things at school, and they are going to ask. Elementary school kids are hearing about R-rated topics from their peers. If you can’t answer their questions in the moment without losing your mind, thank your child for asking you. Then tell them that you want to talk to their other parent and/or do some research on how to answer their question. Give them a specific time in which you will follow up. Answer the same day if possible. For example, “Thank you for coming to me with that question. That’s a tough one. I would like to talk to your dad/mom about how to answer that question. I will come and talk to you about it after dinner tonight.” Then go practice giving your answer in the mirror until you are completely comfortable saying it and showing no degree of shock or anxiety. And follow up on time! If you don’t follow up, you may demonstrate to your child that you are afraid to have tough conversations, and that can close down that communication that is so essential.
3. Get comfortable using correct medical terminology.
It’s that simple. Penis and vagina are not dirty words. They are medical terms to describe parts of the body. Imagine if you called your elbow a hoohah. You’d probably be ashamed of it. Referring to parts of the body accurately helps to prevent shame and keeps things clear.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Uterus is not a dirty word either! We need to stop saying, “the baby is in Mommy’s tummy”. It’s not. When I was a kid and my mother told me this, I was so confused. I pictured a little baby floating around in all of this digested food. I also knew that food turned to fecal matter, and so the picture of babies floating in fecal matter confused me even more. It didn’t make sense. A parent once insisted that it was impossible to explain a uterus to a young child. Watch this: “The baby is growing in Mommy’s uterus. It’s a warm place just for the baby to grow.”
4. Remember that sexuality is an important part of human life and is normal.
Again, this is pretty simple. As your kids grow and develop, they can be confused by the messages about sex that the world sends, images they see, things their peers say and do, and the way their bodies change. Be prepared to face these issues with them. They are growing, and their developing sexuality is a good thing. Help them see their sexuality as normal and teach them to make healthy decisions about their sexuality.
5. Talking about Sex is less about ‘plumbing’ and more about relationships and decision-making.
Most of us understand the basic anatomy and physiology of the digestive system. But does that keep us from downing too much sugar and ignoring the salad on the table? Sometimes. Apply this to sex. Just because you can identify the parts of the body does not mean that you are able to make healthy decisions about that body. Teaching kids – and especially adolescents – the basic process of sex and anatomy of reproductive organs is just not enough. Teaching kids how to make healthy decisions about their relationships and sexuality will make a difference. Help kids understand why and how to make healthy decisions. Help them learn to communicate, withstand peer pressure, advocate for themselves, and understand that actions have consequences, good and bad.
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6. Having these conversations early will help keep communication open through adolescence.
The earlier you begin, the earlier your children will trust you with sensitive topics. By openly communicating with your children early, you build a relationship and your children learn that they can rely on you to help them. Building that trusting relationship before your kids start dating and going through puberty will help that communication be easier when sexuality becomes more important than ever in your child’s life. If your children trust you, they will be more likely to talk to you about the good and the bad. And we need our kids to talk.
7. Be on the same page as your spouse.
Don’t leave it to the other parent to have the difficult conversations. These conversations do not need to be gendered. Mothers can talk to their sons; fathers can talk to their daughters. And mothers and fathers need to talk about their game plan together. How do you feel about dating? Modesty? Sex? What guidelines and boundaries will you set for your children?
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By being on the same page and presenting a united front, your children will see you as a family they can turn to if things go wrong, and will trust you to help things go right. Parents who are on the same page and have a plan create an environment of consistency, safety and trust for their children.Start talking!
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Hall, C. P., Ph.D. (2016, August/September). Teaching about Sexual Education. Lecture presented at Sexuality Education in the Curriculum in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Hill, T., LMFT. (2013, September 27). Sexual Intimacy. Lecture presented at Strengthening Marriage and Families Class in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Talking With Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Sex Education[Pamphlet]. (2006). Chicago, IL: National PTA.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
A few weeks ago I asked my mom probably one of the most vulnerable questions I have ever asked her to answer: “Do you ever regret marrying dad?”
The question sounds far more dramatic than it is: I am not aware of any earth-shaking quarrels, abuse, heartache, or what have you in my parent’s relationship. They have been pretty happily married for over 30 years.
The question came about because of one simple fact: my parents do not hold the same religious beliefs.
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Has this difference brought regret to my parents’ marriage? Can two individuals with differing core beliefs make a relationship last? And is it even worth it?
In the article “Psychology Finally Reveals the Answer to Finding Your Soulmate”, Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas answers this question simply, “…a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.” The author elaborates further by saying, “…it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, and how you move through time together.”
My mom answered similarly. While she acknowledged that the difference in religious beliefs has sometimes been difficult, she loves my dad, and she loves the good man he is. She also noted that while she chose to marry someone who didn’t share her same religious convictions, she has seen other couples begin their marriages with mirrored beliefs, only to have one change their beliefs later. As Dr. Hudson said, relationships last through “the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship” more than through shared core beliefs—though that certainly may help.
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There are countless other core beliefs that partners could disagree on, including beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, and more. One of the most important ways to approach these differing beliefs is simply through respect—and that includes accepting your partner’s viewpoints and beliefs without trying to change them (for other ideas on how to approach the topic of core beliefs, read Aubrey-Dawn’s article here).
Regarding couple communication in the midst of conflict, Dr. Marni Feuerman states that couples should consider how “each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake. Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship [or, I might add, an enduring difference in core beliefs] have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.”
Approaching differing core beliefs with respect, communication, and even curiosity creates an opportunity for greater understanding and empathy in any relationship, and can particularly foster greater emotional attachment within the couple relationship. What are some ways that you’ve grown closer in your relationships (friendship/dating/marriage/etc.) despite —or even because of— differing core beliefs?
Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2020). Uniting and dividing influences of religion in marriage among highly religious couples. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 167–177. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/rel0000262.supp (Supplemental)
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
