It has been said that “it takes a village to raise a child.” However, as it turns out, it also takes a village to raise, nurture, and mold an adult! The communities to which we belong throughout our lives have a vast impact on how we connect and relate to those around us. We NEED to feel like we belong to some sort of community in order to thrive as healthy humans. That is why we have decided to create this new category as a place to focus on how we fit into our larger community, how our communities impact us, and how we can strengthen our relationship with our “village”.
How do I fit into my community?
Reflect. Do you take your children to school every day? Are you involved in volunteer work? Do you affiliate with a political organization? Everyone’s place within their community is different, and sometimes within our large community, we belong to religious communities, support groups, volunteer organizations, etc. If you don’t feel that you have a place in your community, then now is a perfect time to start working on it.
What can I do to connect with those around me in a more meaningful way?
Lots of things! There are so many volunteer opportunities in your area. Guaranteed. Sometimes you just have to know where to look. Foster care and children’s homes, soup kitchens, hospitals, and nursing homes are great places to start. More simply, the person bagging your groceries, the banker and the mailman are all people that inadvertently impact your life. When was the last time you had a real conversation with one of them? Connecting with people is simply to choose to see them as people with feelings, problems, talents, hopes and fears as real as yours and then taking action.
Richard and Aubrey Dawn Palmer making dinner at the Ronald McDonald House in Salt Lake City, UT.
Why it is important to have a sense of community?
Taking action can be so small. It really is just about brief moments of connection. Those brief moments add up to change the lives of others, but also to change our own lives. They result in a greater sense of self worth and efficacy, a decrease in loneliness, depression and anxiety, and a more positive outlook on life. Connecting with others helps us look beyond ourselves.
More than that, the world is a place full of beauty, but also with a great deal of pain and loss. Everyone is fighting a battle and has a unique story. On an individual level, we all need to feel loved and appreciated, and connecting with people in our community contributes greatly to that. On a larger scale, community outreach and service creates a healthier, safer environment for children to learn and grow, the economy to survive, and families and individuals to succeed and thrive. It also increases personal accountability. When we each take accountability for the part we play in our community, we become a strong, unified group that can be an incredible force for good. I have seen this time and time again in my own life.
The world, and maybe even my immediate community, is a messed up place already. Why even bother?
That attitude contributes to the ‘messed up’ parts of the world! We ARE our community. Our community is a reflection of who we are, and we are a reflection of what our community looks like. A community that does no good, is filled with people who are unwilling to step up and do good. A community that is unified is full of people who strive for unity and contribute something of themselves in order to bring that about. Communities that promote change are filled with courageous people willing to step out of their comfort zones and do something for the greater good; not only for themselves but also for others. We “bother” because we care. We “bother” because if we believe that something is wrong, we take the initiative and work to change it. If something remains broken or messed up, it is only because people will not rally together and take the time and care required to fix it.
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So where do I start?
Well, the beauty is that we will be addressing this topic periodically in the future in this new commUNITY category. For now, think about what kinds of things you love to do. Maybe you love to cook, or you love yard work. Perhaps you love to talk with people. What kinds of skills you have? Maybe you have medical training, or maybe you are a good listener. Perhaps you are great at persuading others to contribute or step up to the plate. Then, think about how your passions and your skills can combine to make a difference in your community. And maybe while you’re thinking about that, you can donate blood. Or even do a Google search on volunteer opportunities in your area. Perhaps you can take a walk and get to know a neighbor, and help her clean out her flower bed, or offer to take a busy dad’s kids for a couple of hours so he can clean his kitchen and get a good nap. The possibilities are endless. The skill is learning to SEE the need, and then using that skill to reach out and connect.
This week, reach out in some small way to your community. Check out the suggestions above if you need ideas! You can also click here to search for current service opportunities in your area.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Over the last fifty years, humankind has accrued more and more wealth, developed technology to increase our comfort and ease of living, and improved the quality of life of people all over the world. And yet, believe it or not, over the years our happiness levels as a species has remained relatively the same. Why is this? In his book, “When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness” (2018), psychologist Tim Bono outlines a measure for happiness that may explain this frustrating phenomenon:
Happiness = What you Have / What you Want
If you don’t like math, stick with me, I’ll explain. According to this equation, we have two options for increasing the amount of happiness we experience from day to day. We can either 1) increase what we have, or 2) decrease what we want.
By nature of our current society, we are already constantly working to increase what we have. We go to school to get jobs that allow us to make more money to buy more stuff. However, research has shown that just because you have more stuff does not mean that you are actually happier. This is partially due to the fact that we naturally adapt to new environments. Apparently, increasing what we have only brings temporary satisfaction because we quickly adjust to a “new normal”. Think of when you first get a new phone – it’s fun and exciting to explore all of the new features and to personalize everything. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. What was once new and novel becomes “same-old” once again.
Photo by Lorenzo Rui on Unsplash
Getting more stuff also doesn’t automatically increase your happiness because the second half of the equation, what you want, is also constantly increasing. This is compounded in particular by social media. We are constantly bombarded with others’ idealized lives, and this tends to make what we have seem like not enough.
So how do we stop this equation from getting so out of proportion? The answer is a matter of shifting our perspective from what we want, to what we already have. In other words, we need to practice GRATITUDE.
The Power of Gratitude
Research has shown that actively practicing gratitude in our daily lives can actually significantly increase our happiness (Llenares et al., 2020). One particular study found that a group of young adults who kept a weekly record of the positive things that happened in their lives, “felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently,” than a comparison group who kept track of the hassles that happened during their week (Bono, 2018). Focusing on gratitude shifts our perspective. It allows us to move from away from the emptiness of what we lack, and to move towards appreciating the fullness of what is already ours. It can also help us look outside ourselves towards others and how we can use our influence and what we have to help them find more meaning and bounty in their lives.
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Furthermore, research on the brain has shown that the more we practice gratitude, the easier it actually becomes for us to automatically focus on gratitude. Consistently turning our thoughts towards what we are blessed with creates pathways in our brains that eventually cause us to more readily think about what we are grateful for.
Here are a few ideas that can help you make a habit of practicing gratitude:
Congratulate Someone: Next time you see someone sharing good news on social media (maybe even something that you feel a little jealous of), make an effort to reach out and congratulate them. Sharing in someone’s joy rather than giving in to the green monster of envy can help brighten their day, and shift your focus back to what you’ve been blessed with in your life!
Gratitude Journal: Taking the time to physically write out the things that you are grateful for, whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month can help you keep track of your gratitude, and will help you actively look for things that you are grateful for. This can be something for you to treasure, especially if you are going through something that makes it difficult for you to practice gratitude. Remember, the more often you practice, the better you can re-train your brain to focus on what you have!
Writing Letters: Think of someone who has impacted you in your life, and take the time to write them a letter expressing your appreciation (if you don’t have time to hand-write something, send them an email or even a Facebook message!). Not only will this help you think of and be grateful for the ways that other people have blessed your life, but it will make someone’s day as well! Click here for a free download we’ve created to help you write someone a thank you letter.
Share With a Partner: You can actually kill two birds with one stone by sharing what you are grateful for with your partner or someone you love. Practicing gratitude with another person helps you as you work to re-wire your brain for gratitude, and it also gives you some time to connect and be open with your partner – things that are essential for strong and healthy relationships!
Practicing gratitude is guaranteed to increase the happiness you feel in your life. And while it may not seem like you have much initially, the more you practice, the more you will find to be grateful for! So, give gratitude a try. What have you got to lose?
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Hui, Q.-P., He, A.-M., & Liu, H.-S. (2015). A situational experiment about the relationship among gratitude, indebtedness, happiness and helping behavior. Chinese Mental Health Journal, 29(11), 852–857.
Llenares, I. I., Deocaris, C. C., Espanola, M., & Sario, J. A. (2020). Gratitude moderates the relationship between happiness and resilience. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 12(2), 103–108.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
When my son was two and his older sisters were five and six, mornings were hectic at our house. My wife and I would busily run around making breakfast, preparing lunches, and helping children get ready for the day. Somewhere in there, we would get ourselves ready too. One morning from this time of life stands out in my memory. My son was just beginning to put multiple words together. We had already dressed him, and in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I had not noticed that he had put his shoes on and gone and sat by the door. As I went to leave and take the five year old to kindergarten, he looked up at me and said, “Me go?” He was ready and anxious to go, but he had to stay. He simply was not old enough for kindergarten, and I could not take him with me to teach classes at the university. It broke his little heart.
The ages and the contexts have changed, but similar experiences play out in our household on a daily basis. The oldest is upset that the youngest gets more help with chores than she does. The youngest is upset that he is not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself like the oldest. Our children are different people, with different abilities and different needs, we must treat them differently. Yet, sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you simply cannot win as a parent.
In life, we call these differences reality; our children may call it favoritism. Researchers call it parental differential treatment. Overall, research paints a bleak picture. Across childhood and adolescence, dozens of studies suggest that when we treat our children differently, that the one receiving the short end of the stick (i.e., my two year old son who could not go to school) is at risk for causing more trouble at home and school, being more depressed, receiving lower grades, and even engaging in substance use (in adolescence). Perhaps the silver lining is that children who believe that they get the better treatment tend to be less disruptive, are less depressed, do better in school, and are less likely to engage in substance use.
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The realities of life and the scientific research create a frustrating conundrum. We must treat our children differently, but in doing so we may put them at risk. So what is a parent to do? I have spent nearly the last decade of my professional life researching this question. I offer several suggestions below. Each of these is based on one or more studies and my interpretation of them. As a researcher, however, I must caution that more research is needed in this area and these findings are not universal truth.
Be aware of why differences exist
In an older but important foundational study, Kowal and Kramer (1997) found that differences in treatment might not have negative implications in some families. In particular, they found that among 11-13 year-olds, when the children saw differences in parenting as fair, then it had no impact. The children reported that differences were expected because they were different ages, one sibling simply needed more help, they were a different sex than their sibling, they had different interests, or because of disabilities.
These findings present an important idea — if our children recognize why we are treating them differently, then they may see it as fair. What does this mean as a parent? Be open with your children as to why they are treated differently. For example, our oldest recently complained that we were helping a younger sibling with a chore; help that we did not offer her. She was visibly upset by this difference. We mentioned that the younger sibling was unable to physically open the door to the closet where the vacuum was stored, and could not plug it in themselves. As we explained this to her it was as if a lightbulb went off and she said, “Oh, ok.” Then she went happily on her way. The younger the child, the harder this will be, but start young. As they develop the capacity to understand, you will already be in the habit of discussing and talking about differences in treatment.
Although we likely will not have a conversation about every difference, we need to be willing to talk about it with our children. To me, this further suggests that as parents we need to be thoughtful about those differences in treatment and be aware of why they exist. If we find ourselves treating our children differently for a particular reason that we would not want our children to know about, then maybe that particular difference is inappropriate.
Additionally, I suggest that you follow your children’s lead. When they mention differences in treatment, or seem bothered by them, that is the time for a discussion. If you are always bringing up the differences, you may create concern and stress that did not already exist.
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Beware of comparisons
The birth of our first child was an amazing time. I loved watching her grow over those first months and years. Every milestone was a new stage of life that brought new possibilities and challenges. For a long time I could tell you what percentiles her height and weight had been at many ages and how her motor and language skills compared to the average child. That same process was no less exciting with the birth of our next daughter. I discovered quickly, however, that I was prone to interpreting the second daughter’s development in the context of her older sister. I would often say things like, “She just started walking, but her older sister did it nine months earlier than her.” Or, “She already has a vocabulary of over 400 words, her older sister only knew 100 words at this age!” Those comparisons may be harmless with babies, but several recent studies of my own highlight that they may eventually matter. In two different studies, we asked parents to make comparisons about their children, and then we measured what happened over time (Jensen & McHale, 2015; Jensen, McHale, & Pond, 2018). When parents believed that a child was not as smart as the sibling, or that they were more trouble, that child did worse in school and caused more trouble over time, after controlling for previous school performance and behavior. In part, what seems to happen is that children believe that parents treat them differently because of those comparisons, whether parents actually do or not.
Like with my infant daughters, we all make these comparisons about our children. Even if we do not voice those comparisons they may have a way of shaping our daily interactions with them, and in subtle ways may be detrimental to them as individuals. So as much as you can, avoid comparisons. Recently, to help myself make fewer comparisons about my children, I have tried to use less “relative” or “comparison-” based language. For example, rather than telling my daughter that she is the best, I might say, “You’re wonderful.” In essence, I am hoping to communicate love and value without it being in reference to anyone else, including her siblings.
Combat differences in treatment by treating them differently
My oldest daughter likes to wrestle and roughhouse. If she is having a hard day, it often makes her feel a little better if I swing her around like a sack of potatoes and then throw her on the couch. I learned pretty quickly that this does not work with my second daughter. She would rather do a puzzle with me, or draw a picture together. My son would rather play firefighters or read a book. Each of my children are different from one another, with different interests and personalities.
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Another study I conducted suggests that perhaps a way to combat differences in treatment is to go ahead and treat them differently. We found than in some families, differences in treatment had little to no impact on the children (Jensen & Whiteman, 2015). In these families it seemed that the parents were involved in their children’s lives. They knew who they were and what they needed. My suggestion is that you spend one-on-one time with each child. Some of that time should be in activities you prefer, but many times it should be directed by them. Spend time doing the things they enjoy and they will know that you truly care about them and their interests. When you do this, they may not be so concerned about differences in treatment.
Conclusion
Although every day may bring new experiences with differential treatment, these suggestions have the potential to build stronger families where each child feels valued and loved for who they are, and not for who they are in comparison to a sibling, or for how they are treated differently. You will make mistakes, we all do, but keep working on it and do your best.
Make a list of each of your children’s interests. If you are having a difficult time thinking of what to write down, ask your kids! Work on implementing these interests into your interactions with your children this week.
Download this free handout for a list of questions to help you get to know your child or teen.
References
Jensen, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29, 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Jensen, A. C., McHale, S. M., & Pond, A. M. (2018). Parents’ social comparisons of siblings and youth problem behavior: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 2088-2099. doi: 10.1007/s10964-018-0865-y
Jensen, A. C., & Whiteman, S. D. (2014). Parents’ differential treatment and adolescents’ delinquent behaviors: Direct and indirect effects of difference score- and perception-based measures. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 549-559. doi:10.1037/a0036888
Kowal, A., & Kramer, L. (1997). Children’s understanding of parental differential treatment. Child Development, 68, 113 – 126. doi:10.2307/1131929
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
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Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
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“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
I recently was required to complete a training for my new job that involved an online course all about detecting and dealing with child abuse. Some of the scenarios and descriptions used to help illustrate concepts both broke my heart, and made my stomach turn – it was devastating to know that such terrible things happen to so many innocent children. Where I am from in Utah, USA, the rates for child sexual abuse are particularly high. According to Prevent Child Abuse Utah, 1 in 5 Utah children are sexually abused before age 18. The national average is closer to 1 in 10 children, although it is difficult to determine the actual number, since it is suspected that about 60% of abused children never report the abuse. As a mother, I naturally wanted to learn more about how I can protect my son from this terrible injustice, and in this post, I will share with you a few of what I thought were some of the most helpful points of the training.
You can take the full training course yourself for free here. It only takes about an hour to complete, and it is well worth your time.
Recognizing Sexual Abuse
The first thing to remember about recognizing sexual abuse is that there are two types:
Touching – “Touching a child on the private parts of their body for no appropriate reason”, OR, “Forcing a child to touch someone on their private parts”
Non-touching – Can include, but is not limited to, “Using sexually explicit language when talking to a child, taking inappropriate pictures of a child, or asking them to take an inappropriate picture of themselves and sending them via any form of technology, forcing a child to undress, an adult exposing themselves to a child, and exposing a child to sexually explicit materials.”
It is also important to remember that 90% of the time, child sexual abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger.
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Because sexual abuse does not always leave a visible mark, it can be difficult to recognize when a child is being exploited. However, there are some red flags that can help alert you to the fact that something may be going on. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), here are some of the more subtle signs to watch for:
Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
Tries to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
Resuming behaviors that they had grown out of, such as thumbsucking or bedwetting
Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
Excessive worry or fearfulness
If your child develops one of these behaviors, it does not necessarily mean that they are being abused. However, if you notice that something seems off, follow your instincts, and listen to your gut. If you feel like something isn’t right or someone is making you uncomfortable—even if you can’t put your finger on why—it’s important to talk to your child.
The Grooming Cycle
Before a perpetrator commits sexual abuse, they typically go through what is called the “grooming cycle” – this cycle allows them to build an emotional connection with a child that eventually leads to sexual exploitation. It can take place over an afternoon, or can take years to complete. Grooming is also intended to make the child feel at least partially responsible for the abuse, which means that they are more likely to keep it a secret from parents or trusted adults.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
There are several different versions of the grooming cycle, but they typically include these general steps as outlined by Prevent Child Abuse Utah:
Selection: There are many different factors that can determine whether or not a predator will select a specific child for abuse. These can include situational factors that allow easy access to a child, or preference for a specific age or gender. Research has found that a few other factors that make a child more likely to be selected for sexual abuse are low self-esteem, lack of knowledge about sex, previous exposure to sexually explicit media, and unsupervised access to technology.
Engagement: During this stage, the predator works to develop a relationship or a friendship with the parent and selected child. It is important to be aware of individuals who may be focusing too much time or attention on a child. If you find yourself thinking, “Why does this person want to spend so much time with my kid?”, that is a red flag. Trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to confront someone if you are concerned about the time they are spending around your child.
Grooming: During the grooming stage, the predator tests boundaries with the selected child to determine how a child will respond to abuse. This boundary-testing can include back rubs, inappropriate jokes, and breaking rules, and keeping secrets from the child’s parents. The perpetrator will usually continue escalating physical contact to prepare the child for the sexual contact that will occur during the impending abuse.If a child complies, the predator will continue pursuing, but if the child refuses, the grooming cycle could end here. Encourage your child to always come to you if someone ever tries to tell them to keep a secret from you.
Assault: The actual assault can be be incredibly confusing for a child. They may not understand what has happened, particularly if they lack knowledge about sex and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. It can be even more confusing, since assault does not always hurt – sometimes it may feel good to the child.
Concealment: Concealment can involve several tactics to ensure that the child does not tell someone about the assault. A predator may try to blame the child and try to make them feel responsible, they may threaten the child and tell them that they will hurt them or their parents if the child were ever to tell, or they may intimidate the child by telling them that no one would believe them if they were to tell someone.
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How To Respond
Even knowing the stages of the grooming cycle, it is not always easy to spot when someone is taking a child through the steps in order to prepare them for sexual abuse. This particular study by Winters and Jeglic (2016) found that, when comparing vignettes that included both situations where the adult was a predator and situations where the adult did not intend harm towards a child, participants were unable to recognize sexual grooming behaviors for any of the stages of grooming. Knowing this, your knee-jerk reaction might be to hide your children away and never let them develop any kind of relationship with anyone. Rather than teaching your children that they can’t ever trust another person, it is important to have regular and age-appropriate discussions with your children about personal body space and appropriate touch, and helping them to know that they can always tell you about anything. Teach them to listen to their feelings, and to respond when their gut is telling them that something isn’t right. Help them know that if someone touches them inappropriately it is NOT their fault, and they will not get in trouble for telling you. Have age-appropriate discussions with your children about sex and their body (read more in Aubrey-Dawn’s article here). Make these discussions comfortable and normal rather than based in fear and shame. Think of this knowledge as helping your child to develop healthy ideas about their own body and the amazing things it’s capable of doing. As you work with your child to build their knowledge-base, and to build mutual trust and love, they will have the information that they need to know when someone is trying to take advantage of them. And heaven forbid, if something ever were to happen, they will know that they can come to you for help and healing.
Option 1: Take the free training course to educate yourself more about child abuse.
Option 2: Have a conversation with your child about their body and their right to their own personal space.
* IF YOU SUSPECT THAT A CHILD YOU KNOW IS BEING ABUSED, REPORT IT. In the US, there is no penalty for an incorrect report given in good faith. It is always better to ensure that a child is safe.*
Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016). Stages of Sexual Grooming: Recognizing Potentially Predatory Behaviors of Child Molesters. Deviant Behavior,38(6), 724-733. doi:10.1080/01639625.2016.1197656
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
This week, reach out in some small way to your community. Check out the suggestions above if you need ideas! You can also click here to search for current service opportunities in your area.
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
