In the “Parks and Recreation” episode “Halloween Surprise” (S5 E5), character Ann Perkins shows up to a charity auction with a number of boxes of things to sell, each box with a different ex boyfriend’s name on it and very distinct items inside. Ann states:
“Recently, Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person’s personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger: exercise phase. Andy Dwyer: my grunge phase. Tom Haverford: my needless shopping phase. Also, credit card debt phase.”
Ann had realized that she essentially becomes each of the guys she dates. While Ann’s situation may be a slight exaggeration, I can easily name my own ex boxes, containing items related to things like scuba diving, anime, kung fu movies, ultra running, Thai food, sports, what have you. Learning new things and acquiring new hobbies is never bad, but am I holding onto my own hobbies, pleasures and personality?
If you don’t have ex boxes, you may have other boxes: parenting boxes, work boxes, friend boxes, travel boxes, hardship boxes, etc. These boxes aren’t bad—they can be helpful, and are very normal! But are we taking time to connect to our core selves?
…Do we even know who our core selves are?
Photo by Timur Romanov on Unsplash
At the very core of who we each individually are, we find our values. Values, according to a recent article by clinical psychologist Steven C. Hayes, are “expressions of what you care about …profoundly inform what you pursue day to day, year to year. …They give life direction, help us persist through difficulties. They nudge us, invite us, and draw us forward. They provide constant soft encouragement.”
Of values, author Mark Manson writes, “What are we choosing to give a [expletive] about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on? What metrics are we choosing to use to measure our life? And are those good choices—good values and good metrics?” Regardless of how you say it, choosing our values, and remembering and consciously living your values each and every day, can help you stay more connected to your core self, no matter what life brings.
You’ll then have one primary box: YOUR box with YOUR name on it.
My box has evolved over the years, but it currently looks something like this: I value physical activity—primarily running, hiking, and yoga—because they help me feel good physically and emotionally. I value creativity because creating things helps me feel happy and fulfilled. I value building a relationship with God through study and prayer because that relationship is steady, and brings me purpose and hope. I value serving others and being mindful of others because those acts help me feel closer to God.
It’s taken me years to define those values, and they will surely continue to evolve over time as I continue to grow as well, but there you have it: The Allie Box as of December 2018.
I love the “Love, Me” section on the Healthy Humans Project website. It’s all about refocusing our relationships with ourselves—remembering who we are at our core. These are things I want to remember as we begin the new year.
Start the new year by writing your personal manifesto or mission statement. Declare your values and beliefs. Share your interests and passions. Take 5 minutes to write it all down, then refine it from there. Keep this file on your computer, or print it out and hang it somewhere you can read it often.
References
Halloween Surprise [Television series episode]. (2012, October 25). In Parks and Recreation. CBS.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution? How long did you stick with it before life got in the way?
It happens to all of us. We have grand plans of things we are going to accomplish, but then something happens, and we never reach our goal. Why not?
Often, it is because the actual goal we set was lacking in some way. Research shows that there are attributes of goal setting that make us more likely to achieve our goals. That is why SMART goals have become so popular in recent years. Originally based on the goal setting theory of Locke and Latham, SMART is a convenient acronym for some of the attributes that goals should have if we want to actually achieve them. While there is not complete uniformity in the words different organizations use to fit to the acronym, I have chosen those words that research best supports.
Photo by Abigail Low on Unsplash
S – Specific: Making a goal specific is the first, and potentially most important, factor in effective goal setting. Research shows that specific goals lead to higher performance than vague, abstract, or no goals. So, while goals like, “be more grateful for what I have” are well-intentioned, they need to be more specific to actually make them happen. For example: Every evening, I will write down 3 things I am grateful for from that day. That is a goal where you can actually see a way to follow through.
M – Motivation: If you don’t have a reason behind your goal that means something to you, why are you setting the goal? You need to have some form of motivation if you are going to achieve your goal, and motivation typically comes from some kind of reward. That can be an external reward, such as a something given to you, or an internal reward, such as a meaningful purpose, an intellectual challenge, or a sense of accomplishment. The most powerful motivations usually include a combination of internal and external rewards. Pick a reward for achieving your goal that is meaningful to you – make sure it is something that will be motivating even when your goal seems most challenging.
A – Accountable: If you are setting good goals, but you’re struggling to stick with them, you may need someone to hold you accountable. Accountability has been found to result in significantly higher goals being reached than when there is no accountability. It is also important to pick an accountability partner who won’t let you make excuses. While there can be valid reasons for not achieving your goal, you need an accountability partner who sets the bar high for what counts or doesn’t count as valid.
R – Realistic & Relevant: I couldn’t pick just one word for the R, because both realistic goals and relevant goals are very important. Realistic goals are challenging, yet achievable given your current circumstances. If there’s no hope of success, motivation is hard to find — so set goals you can realistically succeed at. Relevant goals also help with motivation to stick with your goals. Relevant goals are sub-goals to larger, overarching goals you have in your life. While doing something just for the sake of accomplishment can be fun, motivation to stick with a goal is often found when succeeding at the goal will be useful to you in the future. Reading all the books on the New York Times Top 10 list may be a fun way to read things you might otherwise not, but making your own list of books to read that have information useful for your personal life is more relevant and gives you more reason to actually read them.
T – Time-bound: Give yourself a deadline. It gives you motivation to get it done, and when you’ve succeeded, you can set a new SMART goal relevant to one of your overarching life goals.
Set a SMART goal for the New Year, for any area of your life! Write it down and decide now what you are going to do to achieve your goal. And remember, your deadline doesn’t have to be the end of the year. You can do a smaller goal each month that adds up to something big.
Bonus Challenge:Set a SMART goal that relates specifically to improving one of your personal relationships. Keep an eye out for our monthly calendars over the next few months for ideas for what you can do each day to make your relationships more meaningful!
References
Frink, D. D. & Ferris, G. R. (1998). Accountability, impression management, and goal setting in the performance evaluation process. Human Relations, 51(10), 1259-1283.
Locke, E. A. & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Locke, E., & Latham, G. P. (2019). Reply to commentaries on “The development of goal setting theory: A half century retrospective.” Motivation Science, 5(2), 114–115. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/mot0000145
MacLeod, L. (2012, March-April). Making SMART goals smarter. Physician Executive, 38(2), 68+.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
Photo from pexels.com
I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
Photo from pexels.com
Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
My name is McKay, and I am a self-proclaimed self-love enthusiast:
I spent approximately two decades of my life hating just about every piece of me, and that was two decades too many. I always focused on what others were doing better than me; I thought I wasn’t doing enough for the people in my life, but the reality was that I wasn’t doing enough for myself.
As we approach the winter holidays, we seem to be surrounded by choruses of “serve others” and “it’s all about giving, not receiving!” Everyone — myself included — seems to get bitten by the giving season bug, and I often have to remind myself that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Photo from @revelatori
Genuine, healthy self-esteem is powerful:
In the times when I struggled most to love myself, I tried my best to serve other people. I was taught at church and in school, after all, that it would make me feel better. But every time I took time to give, I ended up feeling even more empty inside than I had before. I began to resent service, and therefore, to resent myself. I should be doing more for my fellow man! And I should like it! Right?
Wrong. I was at a point in my mental and physical health where I literally could not give any more. I wasn’t meeting my own needs, and with a budding hatred for who I was and how poorly my life seemed to be going, I hit rock bottom.
Then I decided I had had enough. I looked around myself and began to rebuild. I wrote down the nice things that people said about me when I couldn’t think of anything nice to say about myself. I painstakingly wrote out body-positive quotes and covered my mirror in them. I focused on myself and my needs for once, and things started to get better.
“Cultivate the habit of checking how full your cup really is. You might be surprised by how low your reserves have gotten – far better to realize and remedy this now, than later.”
– Dr. Susan Biali
As I made the very conscious decision to change my view of myself, things throughout my life began to drastically improve. Now, I’m able to build closer relationships with those around me. I am able to recognize what friendships in my life are healthy, and how to maintain and grow those relationships. I have had more success in my career. I have increased my love of my God and built upon my relationship with Him. My positive view of myself has helped to bring positivity to every aspect of my life!
Photo from pexels.com
The most important relationship:
One study by Cheng & Furnham (2003) found that high self-esteem was directly linked with happiness, whereas low self-esteem was directly linked with depression. These correlations with self-esteem were higher than with any other factor, such as personality traits, like extraversion, or even “aspects of life”, like romance (Cheng & Furnham, 2003). Simply put, how you feel about yourself greatly reflects onto your life as a whole, particularly when it comes to mental health, and your capacity to share yourself with others.
The truth is that the most significant relationship that you will have with someone on this earth is the relationship that you have with yourself. In society today – especially among women – we aren’t taught to put ourselves first. This desperately needs to change! Your needs are as important as another’s, even if it’s easy to forget. Loving yourself can bring light, strength, and love for others into your life. So many of my problems can be traced back to my battle with low self-esteem. I know that loving myself is something I’ll have to intentionally work towards my entire life, but I am working on it, and so can you. When all seems lost, research shows that having self-esteem can help you persist.
Write down five things that you like about yourself. They can be physical or not, just whatever comes to mind easiest! If you honestly cannot think of five things, ask a friend. Physically write them down and put your list somewhere you can look at throughout the week to remind yourself of some of the reasons you’re great!
Cheng, H., & Furnham, A. (2003). Personality, self-esteem, and demographic predictions of happiness and depression. Personality and individual differences, 34(6), 921-942. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(02)00078-8
Leveto, J. A. (2020). Exploring the relationships between discrepancies in perceptions of emotional performance among college students on self-esteem and psychological distress. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 39(5), 1661–1673. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12144-018-9857-z
Mruk, C. J. (2006). Self-esteem research, theory, and practice: Toward a positive psychology of self-esteem. Springer Publishing Company.
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
It’s no secret that test scores and grades don’t adequately convey a kid’s full intelligence. Intelligence comes in a wide variety of forms (ex. musical, logical, interpersonal, spatial, kinesthetic..etc.). An essential form of intelligence that is often overlooked is perhaps the most paramount to our child’s immediate and future success in life. I’m talking about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004). And as it turns out, ‘raising the smartest kid on the block’ has less to do with our children’s talents and abilities and more to do with how we as parents respond to their emotions and foster healthy expression.
Responding to Our Kid’s Emotions
Renowned psychologist John Gottman explains there are four ways in which parents typically respond to their children’s emotions. Which parental response do you most identify with? You will likely relate to each response style at different times depending on the situation, location and the age of your child. Click here to learn more about the impact each response style has on children.
1. The Dismissive Parent feels out of control and uses distraction techniques rather than addressing the emotion; sees negative emotions as their own personal failure as a parent and will do just about anything to quickly change the child’s emotion to a positive one.
Ex. “If you stop yelling you can have this piece of candy.” or “Shhhhh! Stop crying! Do you want to watch a show on Mommy’s phone?”
2. The Disapproving Parent is overly concerned with discipline and how to ‘manage’ their child’s negative emotions without being concerned as to why the child is feeling the way they do. These parents are often judgmental, critical and controlling.
Ex. “Why are you so upset? This is not a big deal! You always do this right before we have to leave!”
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent waits for the child to ‘get over it’ and ride out their emotions with no guidance as to an appropriate way to express themselves; sets no limits on behavior and is extremely permissive.
Ex. “Cry it out. You’re fine.” or “You’ll get over it [allows child to continue doing whatever they are doing].”
4. The Emotion Coach sees negative emotions as an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and empathize with their child. They set limits on behavior and help children find appropriate ways to express their emotions.
Photo from pexels.com
Becoming an Emotion Coach
It’s no surprise that the ‘emotion coach’ is the ideal response to best foster our children’s emotional IQ. If this hasn’t been modeled for you in your family of origin or doesn’t come naturally to you in moments of stress and frustration, be kind to yourself! It’s all about practice. Here are a few important steps to help you become the emotion coach your child needs.
Help child identify the emotion– It’s a valuable skill for our children to learn what emotions ‘look like’ so they can recognize it in themselves and others. Verbally explain the reasons why you can see they are feeling sad, frustrated, embarrassed…etc. Then of course, ask them to tell you about it. Even if you already know the answer, let them tell you in their own words. Ask why the child feels the way they do and then listen. Really listen.
Ex. “You look angry. I can see that your body is tense and your face is turning red. Why are you feeling angry?” or “You look kind of sad today. You’re hanging your head down and you don’t want to do any of your favorite things. Why are you feeling sad?”
Validate child’s feelings– It’s deeply important for us as adults to feel validated in our emotions and children are no different. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we so often seek.
Ex. “I’m so sorry you feel sad. If my toy got broken I would feel really sad too.” or “I can see why this situation is so frustrating for you. How can I do things differently next time?”
Appropriate emotional expression– Accepting our children’s feelings does not mean accepting their behavior. It’s important to remind our children that just because they feel a certain way, doesn’t make it okay to.. hit, lie, yell, kick, say unkind things…etc. Help your child choose an appropriate emotional response and offer suggestions if they find it difficult. This can be a fun activity to do together! Make it a game by thinking of silly but practical ways to express themselves. Do they like yelling in their pillow or hitting the couch cushions? How about running around the house or yelling outside? Emotional expression is unique and doesn’t need to be conventional.
Ex. “I understand that you are/were angry. But yelling and hitting is not okay. How else can you show your frustration next time?” or “Something that helps me feel better when I’m frustrated is to take a few minutes to be alone or take deep breaths.” or “Have you tried dancing crazy to your favorite song? I know it sounds silly but it helps me remember that I won’t feel frustrated forever.”
Be your child’s emotional role model – The best way to help your child navigate their own emotions is to develop your own emotional intelligence! How do you respond to feelings of sadness, anger or guilt? What can you do differently today? The more comfortable you are with expressing your feelings, the more comfortable you will be as you teach your children to do the same. Utilize your mistakes as a tool to teach your children that you’re working on expressing yourself too.
Ex. “I was feeling really frustrated today but that didn’t make it okay to raise my voice. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
Photo from pexels.com
Parents who choose to become an emotion coach will cultivate children with higher self-esteem, higher achievement, better impulse control and delayed gratification. Their children will get along well with others, require less disciplineand even have fewer infectious illness (Gottman, 1998). The benefits are endless! As we strive to become the emotion coach our kids need, our children will be able to better recognize and express their emotions and truly be the smartest kid on the block.
Think of a recurring situation when your child struggles to express their emotions in an appropriate way and plan how you can be a good emotional coach the next time it happens.
References
Eloranta, S. J., Kaltiala, R., Lindberg, N., Kaivosoja, M., & Peltonen, K. (2020). Validating measurement tools for mentalization, emotion regulation difficulties and identity diffusion among finnish adolescents. Nordic Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/19012276.2020.1863852
Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Yule, K., Murphy, C., & Grych, J. (2020). Adaptive functioning in high-risk preschoolers: Caregiver practices beyond parental warmth. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(1), 115–127. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01660-w
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
