Let’s be honest, talking to kids about sex is hard! It can be awkward, and tough to know how to handle a topic that some couples aren’t even comfortable discussing with each other (if this is you, we need to talk). We’ve previously posted some guidelines to help you have healthier conversations with your kids about their bodies and sexuality, but today, I’d like to focus on one essential point that we often forget to mention when we are talking to our kids about this topic:
SEX IS GOOD.
Let me say that again – sex is a wonderful, helpful, beautiful, GOOD thing that should be a regular part of our marriages! Sex gives committed couples the opportunity to get to know each other better, to connect physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and to have fun exploring and deepening their relationship. Not to mention, it has the amazing power to bring children into the world!
Photo by Ádám Szabó on Unsplash
When we fail to help our kids understand the positive power of their sexuality and how it can benefit their committed relationships, we run the risk of them missing out on all of the amazing things that a good sexual relationship can bring to their lives.
Many parents hope that their children will wait until marriage to become sexually active. To be honest, this is what I hope for my kids! There are so many emotional and physical benefits to sexual exclusivity (lower risk for STD’s, deeper trust and connection over time, emotional safety, even better sex). But unfortunately, this hope can often skew a parent’s view on how they should talk with their kids about sex. Parents often either heavily emphasize the “don’ts” associated with sex, or they avoid discussing anything but the bare minimum when it comes to their children’s bodies. They think that if they talk to their kids about the good side of sex, it will make them just want to go out and have sex with everyone. But research has actually shown the opposite. When parents have healthy discussions about sexuality with their kids, and put that sexuality in the context of healthy committed relationships, kids are actually more likely to value sex and the power that it can have in their relationships, as well as make healthier sexual decisions. On the other hand, avoiding the topic, or only focusing on the negative consequences of premarital sex only creates fear and shame surrounding anything connected to sexuality – something that can seriously hinder a person’s ability to perform sexually later on in an appropriate setting.
For parents who aren’t as concerned about their children waiting for marriage, talking about the context of healthy committed relationships is still vital. While consent, safe sex, and gender identity are all important parts of conversations regarding sexuality, helping children understand the positive power that sex can have in strengthening their relationships will help set them up for sexual success.
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So how do we help our kids understand that sex is good without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Context is the key. If we talk to our kids about how sex is a wonderful and powerful thing that can really benefit and enhance our marriages, and help them to understand why they should wait to have sex, they are far more likely to want to make that choice themselves.
So whenever you discuss sex with your children (which should be frequently as they mature physically and emotionally), make sure that they know that sex is a positive thing! It can express deep love and commitment, and can bring you so much closer to the person you choose to spend your life with. As you help them to know that their bodies are beautiful and powerful, you empower your children to make wiser choices about their personal sexuality. And when the time comes for them to share that part of themselves with someone they love, knowing that sex is a good thing will make those experiences all the more meaningful for them.
Think about and write down a few of the reasons why sex is important to you. How can it strengthen your own relationship? Developing in your self a belief that sex is positive is the first step to helping your children have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Shoop, D. M., & Davidson, P. M. (1994). AIDS and adolescents: The relation of parent and partner communication to adolescent condom use. Journal of Adolescence, 17(2), 137-148. http://dx.doi.org/10.1006/jado.1994.1014
Stone, N., & Ingham, R. (2002). ‘Factors affecting British teenagers’ contraceptive use at first intercourse: The importance of partner communication. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 34(4), 191–197
Wellings, K., Nanchahal, K., Macdowall, W., McManus, S., Erens, B., Mercer, C. H., et al. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain: Early heterosexual experience. The Lancet, 358, 1843–1850.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Written by McKay Strong with Intro from Rian Gordon
The Healthy Humans Project is all about providing you with research-based information and tools to help you actively improve your relationships. As we tried to narrow down the different relationships that have power in our lives, we felt that we would be remiss if we weren’t to include one of the most important relationships in our own personal lives, and in the lives of many of our followers – a relationship with God, or a Higher Power. This is a relationship that, when nurtured, has the potential to positively affect all of our other relationships. Research has shown that relying on a Higher Power can help strengthen resilience, increase empathy and meaning, and even improve mental and physical health. Furthermore, spiritual practices such as prayer or meditation have been shown to positively impact other meaningful relationships such as the couple relationship. In the “Reaching Higher” category, we want to explore how we can improve our relationship with our own Higher Power, and how that relationship can help us achieve healthier and more meaningful relationships in all areas of our lives. Thank you for joining us on this journey!
Note: As our experience as the writers of HHP is mostly with the Judeo-Christian tradition, many of our posts will likely include thoughts associated with that specific tradition. However, we would love to be as inclusive as possible, and will do our best to include as many relevant ideas and concepts from as many different traditions and ideologies as we can. If you have any feedback or ideas on how you would like to see us accomplish this, please contact The Healthy Humans Project here!
Condensed from “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is often difficult for people to master, and I am no exception. My greatest flaw by far is my ability to hold grudges, but I am constantly striving to reach higher and become more like the God that I believe in. My God is forgiving, kind, and patient. If someone with omnipotent power can find it in Himself to forgive very-flawed-me, I think I should give the same courtesy to His other children.
Are you having a hard time forgiving someone (maybe even yourself) as God does? Here are eight steps to get you started:
1. Take the initiative.
You cannot sit around and wait for someone to apologize to you. If they haven’t already, they may never! Think about it this way: who is being impacted by your hurt feelings – you or them? Sometimes the answer may be “them,” but always it is you. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a gift that you give to others – if you choose to forgive only to alleviate your suffering, that’s a good enough place to start.
2. If the forgiven person wants to reenter your life, it is fair to demand truthfulness.
If you choose to let someone who has hurt you re-enter your life, you are allowed to show them how they’ve hurt you. Even more, you have the right to expect them not to hurt you in that way again.
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3. Be patient.
It takes time! Hurt feelings can’t and won’t disappear with just a simple, “I’m sorry.” So be patient with others, but don’t forget to also be patient with yourself.
4. Forgive “retail,” not “wholesale.”
I highly recommend focusing on what in particular hurt you. It can be very difficult – almost unrealistic – to forgive someone for, in general, just being a bad person. You can, however, write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive.
5. Don’t expect too much.
I always think of a story that one of my professors told me in college: He had been dating a girl, was very in love with her, and they were talking about marriage. He eventually found out that she cheated on him. She was so, so excited when he came around to forgiving her because that meant that they could continue their lives together. He forgave her because he knew he was supposed to, but the trust was gone and that was not something that he could ever see coming back. He forgave her, he loved her, and he let her go. If you are being abused, neglected, or taken advantage of, you are not obligated to stay in that situation. Forgiveness does not mean you have to renew a once-close relationship of any kind.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
6. Discard your self-righteousness.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.” You will make as many – if not more – mistakes as the person who has wronged you. Yes, you may be a victim, but you too will need forgiveness someday. Remember that.
7. Separate anger from hate.
Your feelings are valid! You are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. Your emotions are natural, but they don’t have to stay tied to the one that hurt you forever.
8. Forgive yourself.
I’ve always had a hard time loving myself. I am very aware of my flaws, and even if others ignore or forgive them, I just can’t seem to be able to. I am a notorious grudge-holder, and my relationship with myself is no exception. At a particularly difficult time in my life, during one of my (many) faith crises, a loving mentor told me, “God has already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself.” I had been taught from a young age that God would forgive our sins, but eventually, I had to learn to forgive them myself.
Think of just one person that you need to forgive – even if that person is you! Write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive, and ponder how you would apply these eight steps to forgive as God would.
References (Article)
Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness. Counseling and values, 40(2), 107-126.
Enright, R. D. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. Handbook of moral behavior and development, 1, 123-152.
Smedes, L. B. (2007). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (Plus). San Francisco, CA: HarperOne.
References (Introduction)
Cranney, S. (2013). Do people who believe in God report more meaning in their lives? The existential effects of belief. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 52(3), 638–646. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jssr.12046
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous effectiveness: Faith meets science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145–157. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10550880902772464
Lambert, N., Fincham, F. D., DeWall, N. C., Pond, R., & Beach, S. R. (2013). Shifting toward cooperative tendencies and forgiveness: How partner-focused prayer transforms motivation. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 184–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01411.x
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., Stillman, T. F., Graham, S. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0956797609355634
Nooney, J., & Woodrum, E. (2002). Religious coping and church-based social support as predictors of mental health outcomes: Testing a conceptual model. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 41(2), 359–368. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1468-5906.00122
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Thud! I closed my eyes and took a breath, hoping the glass bowl would still be sitting on the shelf. I opened my eyes and to my horror, it was shattered in a million pieces on the floor.
Just moments before, I was casually pushing my son in the shopping cart through a crowded store. Other shoppers lined the aisles looking for the best after Christmas deals. As I found some items I was interested in, I stopped the cart and beginning rummaging through the table of things. With people all around, I noticed my son pulling a glass bowl off the counter. Quickly I turned around and caught his arm. “You weren’t fast enough this time!” I said, laughing. He shot me a wicked smile as I placed the bowl back on the table. I then grabbed the handles of the cart and began to push him away. With lightning speed he shot his hand back towards the bowl and knocked it off the table. Thud!
Embarrassed, I quickly got on the ground and started to pick up the pieces. Pausing momentarily, I looked around hoping that someone would come to my aid. To my dismay, the other shoppers that were just feet from me a few seconds before had completely vanished. I tried to gather as many pieces as I could and then quickly found some workers, who told me not to worry about it.
One of the benefits of living in our day and age is the way technology allows us to be connected with people everywhere. In the 21st century, you can call someone across the globe and speak in real-time. Social media, hashtags and optimized search engines help you find thousands of people with similar interests to you in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately, this boom of technology has also contributed to decreasing connectivity in our real life, face-to-face communities. I’d like to think that many of the people in the store that day might have shared one of those “feel good stories” that often find their way onto our Facebook news feeds… but when it came down to it in the real world, every single one of them walked away from an opportunity to reach out and serve a total stranger. Have we forgotten what it actually means to be a part of a community?
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A Thought from the Ancients
Aristotle begins one of his most famous books with an account of how communities developed among our ancestors. First, he claims that individuals combine into pairs because they cannot “exist without one another”. These pairs then reproduce and create households for the purpose of sustaining daily life. As the family expands, multiple families join together into villages. Because the group is now larger, people can specialize in their abilities (cooking food, killing animals, medicine, etc.) and life becomes more comfortable. The most important change, however, is when several villages come together and form a city:
“(The city) reaches a level of full self-sufficiency, so to speak; and while coming into being for the sake of living, it exists for the sake of living well” (Aristotle).
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What does it mean to live well? For many of us, that means having a modest home, professional success, and satisfaction in family life. To Aristotle, however, it meant fulfilling our telos, or purpose. What is our purpose as humans, then? I won’t go into all the political theory that Aristotle would want me to, but he basically argues the purpose of our life is eudaimonia (happiness) through the constant, active pursuit of virtue. Aristotle goes onto say,
“Any polis [city with government] which is truly so called, and is not merely one in name, must devote itself to the end of encouraging goodness. Otherwise, a political association sinks into a mere alliance… otherwise, too, law becomes a mere covenent… ‘a guarantor of men’s rights against one another’ – instead of being, as it should be, a rule of life such as will make the members of a polis good and just.”
Do our communities and governments encourage goodness? Do our current community cultures, standards, and laws help to make all of us better and more honorable people? I’d like to think in many ways they do, but personally I’ve noticed a disturbing trend of selfishness among citizens, politicians, and laws alike.
According to Aristotle, it is our privilege and responsibility to encourage goodness, fight for justice, and partake in the happiness of life with the members of our community. While Aristotle was focusing on the political nature of communities, his words apply to nearly any way you think about the people around you. A community can be as small as the people who live on your street, attend your church, or live in your neighborhood. They can also be as large as your state, country, or even planet. As you think about community, I hope you realize the impact you can have on it, and the impact it can have on you.
CommUNITY: Part of a Healthy Routine
Did you know that time and time again, research finds various health benefits to community belonging? People who feel connected to their community are more likely to report more positive mental health (Palis, Marchand, & Oviedo-Joekes, 2018). Not only that, but they are also more likely to report better physical health (Ross, 2002). Even after taking other variables into account, researchers find that people who report ties to the community actually experience lower rates of disease and death than those who don’t (Berkman & Syme, 1979).
Photo by Daan Stevens on Unsplash
These benefits only come as you put yourself out there. In 2019, it’s easier than ever to hide away from the world and live in social isolation. Being a part of your community requires branching out. Sometimes it requires sacrificing the easy, comfortable, and routine for the difficult and unfamiliar. But like Aristotle said, the end goal is happiness. By being an active member of your community, you can help others find happiness and experience it for yourself along the way. How can you be a better member of your community? A few simple examples:
*Neighborhood/apartment complex: It’s as easy as a smile or wave. Reach out, get to know the people around you! Go to neighborhood events and say hello to others. You might be wishing someone would say hello to you… but turns out, that’s what everyone is actually hoping for!
*City/State: Find groups or clubs that meet for things you enjoy, like choir, dancing, babywearing, basketball, etc. Support local farmers markets or trade shows.
*Political: Get informed about the candidates, laws, etc. VOTE. Share your beliefs and ask others about theirs.
*Online: Support a friend’s new blog. Like, subscribe, and share posts of a growing community page (like ours :D).
Be the hero in someone else’s shopping cart tragedy. For the next week, look for small ways to serve others, especially those you don’t know. Put yourself out there! If you are intentional about serving others, opportunities will arise. Strive to meet them instead of running away! We can’t wait to hear about your experiences.
References
Berkman, L. F., Syme L. (1979). Social networks, host resistance, and mortality: a nine-year follow-up study of Alameda County residents. American Journal of Epidemiology, 109, 186-204.
Palis, H., Marchand, K., & Oviedo-Joekes, E. (2018). The relationship between sense of community belonging and self-rated mental health among Canadians with mental or substance use disorders. Journal of Mental Health, 1-8.
Ross, N. (2002) Community belonging and health. Health Reports, 13(3).
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
The moment that my husband and I held our daughter in our arms for the very first time was a moment that changed us to the very core. Not only was a sweet baby girl born that day, but a mother and father were born as well.
When you become a parent, you realize that forevermore someone else’s well-being is far more important than your own. You realize that as a parent you are going to give more than even seems possible… but also that you are going to experience more joy than you ever imagined.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we are passionate about empowering parents and equipping them with tools to help their children thrive. Research is clear that the better parents understand child development, the more likely they are to engage in positive parenting practices that will help their children thrive emotionally, physically, socially, and cognitively.
Past research has demonstrated that “children who [have] parents who monitor their behavior, [are] consistent with rules and [are] warm and affectionate, [are] more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.” (2009) Furthermore, children who experience positive parenting are more likely to in turn practice positive parenting and general relationship skills as they go on to have their own families. (Kerr, 2009) Although our children will each make their own choices, as parents we play a crucial role in providing our children with an environment where they can experience optimal development. And our choice to be intentional about the way we parent our children has the potential to affect generations to come.
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Not only does our ability to parent affect our children and who they will choose to become, it also has the power to mold and shape who WE are. Interacting with, and working to teach, love, and nourish our children brings more of a capacity for learning, for patience, for ingenuity, for LOVE than we ever thought possible. As we actively and intentionally working towards becoming better parents, our own personal growth and development will continue as well.
I love Rose Kennedy’s view on parenting when she said, “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” While we will certainly make mistakes along the way, each day we can resolve to bring the best we can to our parenting. As we go about this great work of shaping souls, each of us has the choice to leave negative parenting practices in the past and choose a better way to parent our children.
And so, to my little girl whose eyes I gazed into for the first time just nine short months ago, my greatest hope for you is that in our home you will be loved, seen, heard, and taught. And my greatest hope for myself is that each day I will choose to bring the best of myself to my parenting.
This week, take some time to reflect on your current parenting practices. What are you doing well? What is something you would like to improve? Write down your thoughts and any goals you may want to implement.
References
Gadsden, V. L., Ford, M., & Breiner, H. (2016). Parenting matters: supporting parents of children ages 0-8. The National Academies Press.
Kerr, D. C. R., Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., & Owen, L. D. (2009). A prospective three generational study of fathers’ constructive parenting: Influences from family of origin, adolescent adjustment, and offspring temperament. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1257–1275. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0015863
Parent, J., Dale, C. F., McKee, L. G., & Sullivan, A. D. W. (2021). The longitudinal influence of caregiver dispositional mindful attention on mindful parenting, parenting practices, and youth psychopathology. Mindfulness, 12(2), 357–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12671-020-01536-x
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
As human beings we collectively share the intrinsic desire to be close – to love and to be loved. Here at the Healthy Humans project, we are especially passionate about partner relationships as it is the foundation for a strong family unit as well as happiness and satisfaction throughout the life course.
Whether you are just wading into the waters of courtship, waist deep in the dating scene or have been married for decades, we’ve got you covered! Below are a few of the MANY topics we’ve discussed in the past for whatever stage of life you are in.
Fun Fact:Did you know that the timing of sexual involvement in romantic relationships matters? Although 30-40% of couples report having sex within the first month of their relationship, researchers at Cornell University found that couples who were sexually involved early on in their courtship reported lesser relationship quality (Sassler, et al.,2010).
Fun Fact: Did you know that how you respond to your new spouse predicts both your immediate and future marital happiness? When newlywed conversations commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates. However, when discussions are met with kindness and understanding, your new marriage relationship will flourish as will your happiness and satisfaction.
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Strengthening my Marriage
Remember that “falling out of love” is a myth! Love is a choice and we need to choose our spouse every single day. Often times the necessary tasks of daily living can distract us from what is most important- our marriage! Finding the balance between our relationship and other responsibilities can be challenging. A great place to start is by deliberatelymaking time for each other to strengthen your relationship. When you are together, be sure to turn off autopilot and give your marriage the time and attention it deserves.
Fun Fact: Did you know that people with strong partner relationships actually live longer and have healthier lives?(Gallagher & Waite, 2000). In addition to increased longevity, married couples typically have more wealth and economic assets and have more satisfying sexual relationships than single or cohabiting individuals (Olson & Olson, 2000).
Read a “Power Couples” article with your partner to help you jumpstart a meaningful conversation. Identify a few ways you can strengthen your relationship! Set some goals and check in with each other periodically to evaluate how you’re doing.
References
Gallagher, Maggie., Waite, Linda. (2000) The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially. New York City, Doubleday.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000) Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis: Life Innovations Inc.
Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
