As young couples, we are often pressed to begin planning for financial stability in retirement as soon as possible. Couples sit down and discuss whether or not they want to use Traditional or Roth IRA’s, to participate in a 401k, or to invest in real estate or stocks. They decide together how much they want to contribute to their plan each month or year, and they regularly revisit the topic to make sure they are on track for meeting their financial needs in retirement.
But most couples are not taught about the effect of retirement on marital satisfaction, or how to plan ahead for maintaining marital stability through the transition into retirement. For the majority of couples, marital satisfaction tends to decrease temporarily for up to 3 years after retirement, but retirement’s impact on marital satisfaction is more about the process of retirement than just simply being retired (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). When couples are preparing for marriage or having a baby, there is an understanding that it is going to take time to transition into new roles, schedules, and priorities. The same goes for retirement; it is a life event that will re-define and impact a relationship in many ways. If couples keep this in mind as they plan for retirement, they will be better prepared to handle both the expected and unexpected changes that will come. They may also find greater patience for themselves and their spouse and can have a positive outlook as they go through this tough transition together (Higginbottom, Barling, & Kelloway, 1993).
Achieving marital satisfaction post-retirement
Many articles online or in magazines give couples advice for relighting the spark in their marriage during retirement. Tips such as going on dates, asking get-to-know-you questions, and trying new things together are common. Yet few of those tips seem to be supported by research. Instead, the majority of research about having high marital satisfaction during retirement involves things that need to occur or are already a pattern before retirement. Here are five main conversations and patterns couples can develop early on to prepare for a satisfying marriage in retirement:
1. Create a definition of retirement that works for your marriage.
The word retirement often brings to mind images of golf courses, summer homes, traveling, bucket lists, and most importantly, the lack of work. But careers are getting shorter and the ability to save enough money for retirement is getting harder. Researchers are finding that retirement is starting to look different for everyone and can include starting second or even third careers, working part-time or full-time, volunteering, etc. (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). Being open to employment during retirement and other regular activities that create demand for each partner’s time and talents can help individuals and couples maintain a sense of purpose that is sometimes lost with the “I finally get to do whatever I want” mentality of the traditional definition of retirement. A new definition of retirement may also help couples decide to “retire” at the same time. Some research indicates that while couples who only have one retired spouse experience the lowest marital satisfaction during the retirement transition, while couples who retire at the same time have the highest marital satisfaction (Lang, 2001). Perhaps both partners will want to start new careers, or one will start a new career while the other works part-time and puts energy into an old or new hobby that they previously didn’t have time for. Whatever definition you decide on together, find a way to make room for each partner’s personal post-retirement desires and be supportive of each other.
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2. Talk about how each spouse expects roles to change or stay the same during retirement.
Even when retirement still involves employment, schedules may change and spouses may find that they are more available in helping out with their partner’s responsibilities. In particular, many husbands who retire begin to participate more in household labor. While some research shows that wives are grateful for the help, other research has found that wives may feel as though their territory and routines are being invaded (Trudel, Villeneuve, Anderson, & Pilon, 2008). After years of maintaining a status quo, it can be difficult to change who does what and how they do it. Household labor division is an especially challenging topic, but if couples sit down and talk about their expectations for post-retirement roles and responsibilities, the transition through these changes may be significantly easier (Kulik, 2001).
3. Work together to maintain a social network of friends.
While maintaining close friendships is important for both spouses, husbands will particularly benefit from having a social network apart from their spouse (Han, Kim, & Burr, 2019). Wives can help encourage husbands to go out with friends and be supportive of spending some time apart from each other. Couples can also make it a joint priority to build friendships with other couples and socialize in groups regularly. Having a social network that extends beyond the marriage is important for individual mental health and for positive interactions between spouses. Making time for friends needs to be a priority early on in and throughout a marriage, otherwise, couples may make it to retirement and realize they have no social network. It is easier to maintain a social network or be in the habit of socializing than it is to start building one from scratch at an older age.
4. Pay attention to shared and solitary activities that bring joy and excitement into your lives.
People often have some go-to activities that bring happiness and possibly even respite from the daily grind of life. Some of these activities may require solo participation while others are best done with a spouse, a close friend, or a group of friends. Making a conscious effort to identify how these different activities impact the individual and the couple, and continuing to prioritize a variety of activities (shared and solitary) throughout early marriage and the retirement process is important for relationship success (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003).
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5. Strive for high marital satisfaction throughout your marriage.
The number one finding that nearly every study I read had in common was that marital satisfaction after retirement almost directly mirrors marital satisfaction before retirement. Couples who have high marital satisfaction before retirement will continue to be highly satisfied with their marriage, while those who have low marital satisfaction will continue to be unsatisfied with their marriage (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003). This is where those tips on dating and getting to know each other come in handy. Positive and healthy marriage patterns need to start early in marriage and be maintained in order for them to matter during retirement.
Financial planning and preparing for retirement is expected to begin decades before retirement actually happens, and it should be the same for having a healthy and happy marriage in retirement. Couples can start actively planning early on for how they want their marriage to look post-retirement, and what kind of retirement experience they want to have together. Most importantly, couples should commit to having that type of marriage and experience now.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
References
Fitzpatrick, T. R., & Vinick, B. (2003). The impact of husbands’ retirement on wives’ marital quality. Journal of Family Social Work, 7(1). 83-100. doi: 10.1300/J039v07n01_06
Han, H. S., Kim, K., & Burr, J. A. (2019). Friendship and depression among couples in later life: The moderating effects of marital quality. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 74(2). 222-231. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbx046
Higginbottom, S. F., Barling, J., & Kelloway, K. E. (1993). Linking retirement experiences and marital satisfaction: A mediational model. Psychology and Aging, 8(4). 508-516.
Kulik, L. (2001). The impact of men’s and women’s retirement on marital relations: A comparative analysis. Journal of Women and Aging, 13(2). 21-37. doi: 10.1300/J074v13n02_03
Lang, S. (2001). How retirement affects marriages. Human Ecology. 24.
Moen, P., Kim, J. E., & Hofmeister, H. (2001). Couples’ work/retirement transitions, gender, and marital quality. Social Psychology Quarterly, 64(1). 55-71. doi: 128.187.116.8
Trudel, G., Villeneuve, V., Anderson, A., & Pilon, G. (2008). Sexual and marital aspects of old age: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23(2). 161-169. doi: 10.1080/14681990801955666
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
In the summer with kids home from school, it can be easy to let phones, gaming and social media become easy babysitters. Sometimes parents let kids play for hours on end. I have met kids so obsessed with their game consoles that they pee into empty Gatorade bottles and put off eating, showering, and completing other basic functioning tasks. Excessive or pathological gaming is associated with increased mental illness, impulsivity, social phobias, poor social skills, and lower school performance (Gentile, et al., 2011). Adolescents who consume games excessively report less life satisfaction and more symptoms of depression and anxiety (Rune, et al., 2011).
Don’t get me wrong, gaming is not all bad, and does have some positive effects like increasing the ability to switch between multiple tasks and improved eye tracking and attention to detail (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). But as with many things, moderation is important.
Requiring kids to spend time outside is essential for physical, emotional and mental development (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005). Part of this was discussed in last week’s article, “Go Outside – Your Mental Health Depends On It”. Offsetting gaming use with outdoor play is important. Research has shown that kids who report spending more time outside also report spending less time gaming (Dunifon & Gill, 2013). Here are some ways to help you manage your kids’ gaming.
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Monitor, or even turn off the console.
Some parents say that they cannot get their kids away from video games. But here’s the deal – you’re the parent, and that makes you the boss. If you pay for the internet, bought the console, pay for your kid’s phone, computer, the electric bill, etc., you control the gaming. And if you are a parent, you are responsible for teaching your kids to manage technology responsibly. You can turn off the console, set limits, and have standards and expectations surrounding tech use. You are also responsible for understanding and monitoring gaming ratings.
Teaching 10-12-year-olds 12 sessions of the Strengthening Families Program (to date) I have met way too many kids whose parents 1) buy games that are age-inappropriate, and 2) do not set limits for the amount of time their kids are plugged in. The kids whose parents monitor gaming consistently are generally most able to focus. They ask good questions, are respectful, and are the most emotionally mature of our clients. (This was not an official study; these are just observations I have made over the last 4 ½ years. Please do not regard this as official research.)
If you haven’t set limits, it will be an uphill battle at first. Enforcing a new plan is usually met with some push-back. But have courage, and be consistent. When your kids see how serious you are, and that you are going to enforce the standards you have set up consistently they’ll eventually stop giving you grief.
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Tips for limiting gaming (can apply to other things like internet/social media/desktop/phone as well).
Set a time limit. You may consider the ability to earn extra time as well. For example, if one of my boys wants extra gaming time, I expect that they will do something to earn it – wash walls, vacuum the stairs, etc. I “check off” this extra job, to make sure it was done properly. The job is done when I feel that it has been done properly.
Do your research to ensure that games (and apps) are age-appropriate and more importantly, that they fit moral and/or spiritual standards you have for your family.
Make outdoor play an important part of your kid’s life. I know of a family who requires their kids to be outside for at least 2 hours each day before video games are even an option. Other families expect their kids to spend time outside after 30 minutes of video game time. Some families have their kids do yard work for 30 minutes in the morning and then play for at least 30 minutes in the afternoon. However you do it, spending time outside is important for physical and mental development (Bowen & Neill, 2013; Palmer, 2019).
Enforce appropriate consequences that you can follow through with when standards and expectations surrounding gaming are not followed.
Be consistent. Consistency is the key. It’s no surprise that kids freak out when they lose their phone/console/computer when parents do not consistently enforce the same consequences for the same poor choices/behaviors.
Keep consoles/computers out of kids’ bedrooms. Gaming should be done in a family space, not a private one to help kids maintain appropriate standards for gaming: sending appropriate messages, playing age-appropriate games, being honest about the amount of time they are playing, and speaking respectfully and appropriately if using a headset. Consoles in bedrooms also increase the likelihood that a child will become addicted to gaming (Burdette & Whitaker, 2005).
Developing boundaries around gaming helps keep kids safe, teaches self-discipline and self-regulation, and makes room for more open parent-child communication. Setting boundaries like those above also guards against gaming addictions and other addictive behaviors. Setting limits like these can be hard at first, but have courage, and be consistent. While hard at first, it will get better.
Create boundaries around gaming use in your home. Be willing to make tough calls. Explain these new standards to your kids in a family meeting. Be sure to explain the WHY behind your new boundaries. Being open and helping kids understand WHY rules exist, even if they don’t agree with them, and exactly what consequences will be if broken helps them take ownership and be more open with you.
References
Bowen, D. J., & Neill, J. T. (2013). A Meta-Analysis of Adventure Therapy Outcomes and Moderators. The Open Psychology Journal,6(1), 28-53. https://doi:10.2174/1874350120130802001
Burdette HL, Whitaker RC. Resurrecting Free Play in Young Children: Looking Beyond Fitness and Fatness to Attention, Affiliation, and Affect. Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 2005;159(1):46–50. https://doi:10.1001/archpedi.159.1.46
Dunifon, R., & Gill, L. (2013). Games and Children’s Brains: What is the Latest Research? Retrieved May, 2019, from https://www.human.cornell.edu/sites/default/files/PAM/Parenting/FINAL-Video-Game-Research-Brief-5.pdf
Gentile, D. A., Choo, A., Liau, A., Sim, T., Li, D., Fung, D., & Khoo, A. (2011). Pathological Video Game Use Among Youths: A Two-Year Longitudinal Study. Pediatrics, 127(2). https://doi:10.1542/peds.2010-1353d
Palmer, A. D. (2019, June). Go Outside: Your Mental Health Depends On It. Retrieved June, 2019, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/go-outside-your-mental-health-depends-on-it/
Rune Aune Mentzoni, Geir Scott Brunborg, Helge Molde, Helga Myrseth, Knut Joachim Mår Skouverøe, Jørn Hetland, and Ståle Pallesen.Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.Oct 2011.ahead of print http://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2010.0260
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This summer your challenge is to go outside – a lot. Hike, swim, read on your porch, camp, fish, practice yoga in the backyard, kayak, go to the park, have a picnic, garden, ATV, and experience a number of other outdoor adventures. Feel the sun and the wind on your face. Bring your family with you. Leave your phones in the car.
Getting outdoors, whether just to sit on a park bench or free climb a cliff, has been shown to improve mood and mental health, having both short- and long-term effects (Bowen & Neill, 2013).
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Mental Health
Wilderness Adventure Therapy (WAT) has been used for some time to treat mental health, substance abuse, neurodiverse diagnoses, and behavioral issues among adolescents and young adults. WAT generally consist of bringing a group of these adolescents/young adults into the middle of nowhere where they hike a significant number of miles each day, carrying all their gear on their backs, sleeping either under the stars or in shelters they’ve made themselves, learning to light a fire without matches, living on beans and rice, with no access to modern technology, having no way to shower or do laundry for an average of ninety days. During this strenuous experience, clients also work with a therapist. These intense WAT programs have significant success rates, 80% of parents and 90% of adolescents reporting WAT as effective (Aldana, 2000). WAT has been shown to be as effective as traditional psychotherapy in clinically symptomatic patients (Bowen, et al., 2016).
Most of us will never attend a wilderness adventure therapy program, but WAT relies on something very important. Being outdoors does much for our bodies, brains, behaviors and mental health. Spending time outdoors, immersing ourselves in nature restores our sense of self (Pearson & Craig, 2014) and promotes mental health (Bowen et al., 2016).
Less intensive adventure therapy (which would include kayaking, rappelling/rock climbing, hiking, ropes challenge courses, etc.) also provides significant short- and long-term improvements in anxiety, depression, stress, other mental health diagnoses, and emotional and behavioral issues (Bowen & Neill, 2013). Adventure therapy also helps participants develop self-efficacy, mastery, mindfulness, and problem-solving skills (Bowen, et al., 2016; Mutz & Muller, 2016). Participants are required to face their anxieties head on. Some of us may never participate in organized adventure therapy, but these are activities that many of us can participate in, and still feel the effects of.
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WHY is being outdoors therapeutic?
Studies have shown that being outdoors in green spaces decrease levels of stress and depression, and improves cognition in kids with attention deficits. Natural environments can also restore directed attention, executive functioning, and improve emotional regulation (Pearson & Craig, 2014).
The beautiful thing about nature (aside from it being beautiful) is that is has a restorative, healing quality that, at least for me, broadens my perspective to help me realign goals, grounds me, relieves stress and anxiety, and re-energizes me. And though these might not be as scientific as research findings, my experiences align with research, and the reports of many who find the outdoors to be a perfect environment for self care.
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How much do I need to interact with nature to reap the benefits?
So, being outside helps us be more emotionally and mentally healthy. But not everyone loves high outdoor adventure. So how adventurous do we have to be to reap the reward?
The passive observer still can undergo a restorative process from just sitting outside, but the more dynamic and physical one can be outside, the more potent the benefit. Immersion is an important part of benefiting from being outside (Pearson & Craig, 2014). Even so, in one study, those who took a 90 minute walk in nature experienced less rumination and improved cognitive processes including decreased depressive symptoms, increased problem solving and self-regulation, whereas those who took a 90 minute walk in an urban area did not report any of these findings (Bratman, et al., 2015).
This summer, get outside. Go have adventures. Your mental health depends on you taking care of yourself, and out in the sunshine, in the woods or on the water, is the perfect way to do it. Besides, it’s good to try new things.
Set aside specific time to be outside this week. Notice how it makes you feel!
References
Aldana, S. (2000). An Analysis of the Effect of the RedCliff Ascent Wilderness Program. Retrieved May, 2019, from http://www.wildernesstherapy.org/ Research/RedCliffResearch.htm
Bowen, D. J., Neill, J. T., & Crisp, S. J. (2016). Wilderness adventure therapy effects on the mental health of youth participants. Evaluation and Program Planning, 58, 49-59. https://doi:10.1016/j.evalprogplan.2016.05.005
Bowen, D. J., & Neill, J. T. (2013). A Meta-Analysis of Adventure Therapy Outcomes and Moderators. The Open Psychology Journal,6(1), 28-53. https://doi:10.2174/1874350120130802001
Bratman, G. N., Hamilton, J. P., Hahn, K. S., Daily, G. C., & Gross, J. J. (2015). Nature experience reduces rumination and subgenual prefrontal cortex activation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,112(28), 8567-8572. https://doi:10.1073/pnas.1510459112
Mutz, M., & Müller, J. (2016). Mental health benefits of outdoor adventures: Results from two pilot studies. Journal of Adolescence,49, 105-114. doi:10.1016/j.adolescence.2016.03.009Pearson, D. G., & Craig, T. (2014). The great outdoors? Exploring the mental health benefits of natural environments. Frontiers in Psychology,5. https://doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01178
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Battling mental illness is a family experience: shared together, but suffered individually. “Families describe that often, it is not the family member with the illness who suffers the most, but rather it is other family members” (Marshall, 2010).
Maintaining relationships through mental health battles can be difficult for anyone involved – the one with the mental illness, and the one(s) loving the one with the mental illness. There are unique struggles that each person faces, but I’m here to tell you that no matter what they are, a relationship – of any kind – can persist even when someone’s mental health is at an all-time low.
Despite a recent effort to de-stigmatize mental illnesses, many people still face stereotyping, rejection, status loss, discrimination, and low power (Link and Phelan 2001) due to their mental health struggles. I myself have been told by a (now former) friend – who also has depression, mind you – that I was too sad to be around. These kinds of statements are extremely detrimental and unfortunately, are fairly common among those with a mental illness.
I hate to admit that I have even found myself judging someone else’s mental health in comparison to mine. If I’m able to do X despite my diagnoses, why can’t they? Can we just collectively agree that mental illness is as real and valid as physical illness? Not only that, but it impacts people differently, and different individuals respond to different treatments. That’s one of the hardest things about mental illnesses: they are different in everyone.
Relationships can help heal.
You are never alone in your suffering. Even if everyone experiences mental illnesses in different ways, there are people who understand what you’re going through. Families especially “can have a significant impact on their relative’s recovery” (McFarlane, Dixon, Lukens, & Lucksted, 2003, p. 224). And that’s why familial support is so important – sometimes, they’re the most important resource for an individual who is struggling.
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Here are some ideas on how to support someone with a mental illness (for more ideas specific to supporting a romantic partner living with mental illness, check out another one of our posts here):
Set boundaries! This can be difficult, but it will benefit both you and the one struggling in the long run. Whether this means having a boundary on the amount of time you’re willing to share, or just being allowed to say “no” to someone, boundaries help create a stable relationship.
Give them the opportunity to talk and open up but don’t press. Offer your support. Specifically ask, “How can I help you?”
Find out if they are getting the care that they need. Connect them to help if needed. Assist them in researching doctors, medications, therapists, non-traditional remedies, etc.
Reassure them that you care about them and are there for them. Show them respect, compassion, and empathy.
Continue to invite them to things without being overbearing. A lot of the time, people like to feel included even if they aren’t feeling up to doing things.
Relationships can become stronger than ever.
At some points, one person may be giving more than taking, and one may be taking more than giving; but for a relationship to flourish, both partners have to give and take. You need someone who will stand by your side, love you, and give you help when you need it. And you need someone who can trust you to do the same for them. You don’t need to hide who you are. You don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. And you don’t need to settle for anyone who doesn’t think the sun shines out of your heart, because regardless of your struggles, it really does.
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One of the most important things that I learned in my undergraduate education is that families can bounce back from anything, and can find resilience (ie. the capacity to recover from difficulty) that helps them be stronger than they ever were before (Walsh, 2016). It almost makes me grateful for trials – knowing the power they have to bring us together and strengthen our bonds. A family setting is a perfect place for individuals to practice learning how to be resilient, and to learn how to foster close relationships that will help them get through the tough times.
Here are a few tips for building family resilience:
Practice connecting: Dr. Ann Masten has said, “Much of resilience, especially in children, but also throughout the life span, is embedded in close relationships with other people. Those relationships give you a profound sense of emotional security and the feeling that someone has your back, because they do.” (Southwick, et. al, 2014) Families give us the opportunity to learn how to connect with each other. Parents can model positive connection both with each other and with their children. As children interact with their parents and siblings, they can learn through trial and error how to create and nurture positive relationships.
Practice failing: When it comes to resilience, learning how to fail without your world falling apart is a must. Failure is something that we encounter throughout our everyday lives in both small and big ways, and the family is a perfect place for us to develop a positive relationship with failure. At the dinner table, instead of asking, “what did you do today?”, try asking, “what was something you failed at today, and what did you learn from it?” Get rid of the shame surrounding failure, and teach your family how to learn from it!
Practice positivity: Gratitude and thankfulness can be an important part of building resilience in individuals and families. It helps us to move through difficulties and focus on the growth that comes from them. Finding opportunities in any situation to practice gratitude isn’t just holding on to a silver lining, it is actually actively changing your brain and inviting more positivity into your life. As a family, practice recognizing what you have to be grateful for, and share in that gratitude together.
Mental illness can both affect our relationships, and in turn, be altered by them. It is up to us to decide whether we allow them to push us apart, or bring us closer.
Think of someone you know that has a mental illness – maybe it’s you! Ponder how your relationships have changed because of mental health and reflect on what you can do to help them become stronger than ever.
References
Link, Bruce G., Elmer L. Struening, Sheree Neese-Todd, Sara Asmussen, and Jo C. Phelan. 2001. ‘‘The Consequences of Stigma for the Self-Esteem of People with Mental Illnesses.’’ Psychiatric Services 52:1621–26.
Marshall, A., Bell, J. M., & Moules, N. J. (2010). Beliefs, Suffering, and Healing: A Clinical Practice Model for Families Experiencing Mental Illness. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 46(3), 197–208. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6163.2010.00259.x
Southwick, S. M., Bonanno, G. A., Masten, A. S., Panter-Brick, C., & Yehuda, R. (2014). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges: interdisciplinary perspectives. European journal of psychotraumatology, 5, 10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338. https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v5.25338
Walsh, F. (2016). Applying a Family Resilience Framework in Training, Practice, and Research: Mastering the Art of the Possible. Family Process, 55(4), 616–632. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12260
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
