For as many different ways as there are to self-care, there are just as many different excuses that people come up with for why they don’t self-care. The three most common that I have encountered are these:
“I don’t need it, I’m doing fine.” If you are using this as an excuse to not self-care, then you either don’t understand what self-care is, or you are lying to yourself. Believe it or not, self-care is actually not just a want, it is a NEED. A lot of people misconstrue self-care for a general “treat yo’self” attitude where you just do whatever you want whenever you want. While treating yourself to something you love or crave can certainly be a part of self-care, that is not all that it means. Self-care is taking an active role in protecting, preserving, and improving one’s own health, well-being, and happiness (Lexico, 2019). It is what keeps us living, growing, and thriving. We ALL need self-care, even during the times in our life when we are doing well, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not for you!
“I feel like I’m being selfish.”Friends, self-care is NOT selfish! When all we do is give constantly, it can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Self-care is what fills our cup so that we can then go on and give to others. Of course, it is important to find a balance between giving and receiving, and of course, anything good can be misused or extorted when pushed to an extreme. It’s important to discover that balance for yourself as an individual and to be true to your own needs and the needs of your loved ones.
“I just don’t have time!”Between work, school, kids, social life, housekeeping, etc., it can feel like there is never enough time to do what is required of us, much less to take time for self-care. This is the excuse that I most what to address today because it is one that I know many people struggle with and because there are really some easy fixes that can help us move past the time-crunches, and into caring for ourselves in healthy and important ways.
Here are a few research-supported suggestions I have to help you find time for self-care:
Photo from pexels.com
Make your own time
This sounds impossible, but I promise it’s a lot simpler than you might think. For this suggestion, I want you to think specifically about your personal relationship with technology in your daily life. Did you know that the average human spends 41% of their time in front of a screen!? THAT’S MORE THAN WE SLEEP. If you currently believe that you do not have time for self-care, take just 2 or 3 days to track how much time you are spending in front of a screen – scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, reading the latest celeb gossip, etc. You can use an app, or keep track of it on paper. Next, consciously replace that screen-time with some intentional self-care. I can guarantee that you will find at least five minutes in your day to spend taking care of yourself.
If you do this and are still struggling to find time to take care of you, here is what I suggest: practice self-care FIRST. This can be hard and feel selfish, but when you take the time to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually care for yourself first, you may be surprised how much more energy and motivation you have to get done what else needs to be done.
Note: For some people, scrolling through social media or watching Netflix is actually part of their self-care. That is okay! Just make sure you are being intentional about the time you are spending in front of a screen, and be sure that if you are including it in your self-care, it is actually renewing you.
Self-care for different situations
While re-purposing unneeded screen-time can help you make more time for self-care, it can still be difficult to juggle everything that needs to get done throughout the day and carve out intentional time for nourishing, restoring, and reconnecting with yourself. The good news is, self-care doesn’t just mean spending an hour doing at-home yoga or meditation! It is possible to do some self-care at work, while parenting, while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. Here are some things you can do in every-day situations to care for yourself:
Practice being mindful
Listen to music that inspires you
Go outside
Try doing some yoga at your desk (here’s a great video for that)
Eat a snack (something that nourishes you – you decide what this means)
Organize your physical space
Look for something new to learn
Stretch
Make an effort to talk with someone around you (connection can be so revitalizing!)
Laugh
Practice communicating your needs and setting healthy boundaries (with your children, co-workers, roommates, etc.)
Self-care looks different for everyone, so get creative with this one. What do YOU need to recharge? Think outside the box!
Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash
A little goes a long way
You don’t have to spend hours every day doing self-care in order to reap its many benefits. Taking even just 10 minutes a day to intentionally nourish, restore, and re-connect can help you find balance and a more whole and complete health in every aspect of your life. In particular, taking a little time to care for yourself will go a long way in your relationships. The more you work to fill your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/etc. well, the more YOU there will be to give and share with those you love. The key is to find what forms of self-care are particularly relevant and effective for you. If you aren’t sure what those are, try some of the suggestions from “Self-Care Bully” Reva Cook at the tail end of her HHP guest post here. Start with just a little bit of personalized self-care a day, and watch your capacity for connection and giving increase ten-fold.
I know that making time for yourself can be hard – especially in today’s world. But in order for you to not just survive, but THRIVE in your life and in your relationships, daily self-care is critical. So for all you busy humans out there, stop with the excuses! Make time for self-care because you (and everyone you love) are worth it.
This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.
Mills, J., Wand, T., & Fraser, J. A. (2018). Exploring the meaning and practice of self-care among palliative care nurses and doctors: a qualitative study. BMC palliative care, 17(1), 63. doi:10.1186/s12904-018-0318-0
Stockwell, Angie. (2017). Effectiveness of Self-Care in Reducing Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/msw_papers/797
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
I looked at my husband and said, “I feel left out… I just want to feel included, like I belong.”
His face softened and his heart melted in front of me. I was finally saying something he understood. After more than an hour (yikes!) of hashing out a pretty nasty fight, I had clarity!
I had to really dive deep to find that root emotion. And it was hard to admit it once I realized it. Getting to that moment was hard. But I don’t think it should have been that hard…
I knew there was a better way, and I had an inkling it was about my emotions. After all, John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “the more emotionally intelligent a couple—the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage—the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after” (John Gottman, 1999, pp. 3-4).
Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
Searching for More
To be emotionally intelligent we need to take responsibility for our emotions, recognize they are our own, and then have the courage to share them with others. We must also allow others to do the same. Being vulnerable is critical to understanding emotions but can be potentially heartbreaking. The Rising Strongprocess outlined in Brené Brown’s book of the same title is designed to help us navigate those vulnerable moments with resilience (Brown, 2015, pp. xiv, xvii).
The Rising Strong Process
The Reckoning: Walk into your story – recognize emotion, get curious
The Rumble: Own your story – challenge assumptions, make changes
The Revolution: Write a new ending (Brown, 2015, p. 37)
One major roadblock to this process can be fear, which causes us to disengage. For some, the roadblock of fear is too difficult to overcome. Some “don’t like how difficult emotions feel… [worry] about what people might think… [and] don’t know what to do with discomfort and vulnerability” (p. 50). This can especially be true for men. As this is an important topic, I will be covering it in a separate article next month.
The Stress Response
As I began to dive into the Rising Strong process, trying to identify emotions, all I felt was shame. For me, that was “the fear of disconnection” (Brown, 2007, p. 47).
Shame can be triggered by one of the twelve “shame categories—appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, and speaking out and surviving trauma” (p. 172).
Which basically covers the majority of marital conflict. Go figure.
Photo from pexels.com
When I feel shame, my heart races, my stomach tightens, and I tend to lash out. It affects my ability to think clearly and I feel very erratic—not my normal self.
Brené hypothesizes that when we “experience shame we are often thrown into crisis mode… that shame can be so threatening… [it] can signal our brains to go into our very primal, ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode” (Brown, 2007, p. 28). A recent study on the effects of shame on the brain states, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it was facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.” (Davis, 2019)
Was I really behaving like I was being attacked by a lion?! Surely that can’t be right…
But the more I learned about these three different stress responses, the more I could see how my reaction was hindering progress in our marriage. I also realized that my husband and I have different stress responses.
See this great video for more details about the Fight, Flight, Freeze Stress Response.
The Reckoning
Before my light bulb moment, I had walked into an argument with my husband, upset about something he had done. I spent an hour asking him why he had done it, trying to change him. Because my stress reaction is “fight,” I was determined to hash it out until we fixed it. This also means I was too caught up to look inward at myself. At a certain point, he clammed up and went right into the “freeze” stress response because he felt emotionally threatened. It wasn’t until then that I was able to look at myself, and, rather than blame him, actually realize how Ifelt about what had happened.
This is “The Reckoning.” I needed to reflect on how I was feeling, apart from my spouse. I needed to take responsibility for my emotions and subsequent actions. Choosing to reflect apart from my spouse helps me to think clearly without stress or pressure. Be sure you are clear if you choose to take time to think or you will risk the other person assuming you are in a “flight” stress response. Simply saying, “I am feeling a big emotion and I need to sort through it on my own,” or “I know this is an important topic, but I need some time to process first” can be very helpful signals.
The second part of the reckoning is to be curious. I had to begin to ask why I was feeling that way. I had my light bulb moment when I began to question why I was feeling disconnected. When we are curious, we surrender to uncertainty (Brown, Rising Strong, p. 52). This can mean having the courage to say “I don’t know” or even scarier, to deal with deep hurt or darkness. Wanting to dive into this line of questioning can be intimidating, but it is crucial to the reckoning. (pp. 53, 67)
Being curious enough to ask why is “The Reckoning.” Finding the answer to the why is “The Rumble.”
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Rumble
1. Be honest about the stories you are telling yourself.
Own your feeling: I feel disconnected.
What is the story you are telling yourself? The story I am telling myself is that if you didn’t include me, you don’t love me.
2. Challenge those assumptions to determine what the truth is and what needs to change.
Ask questions like:
Is this really true?
Do I need more information?
What assumptions am I making?
Do I know enough about the other parties?
What emotion or experience is underneath my response?
What part did I play?
These questions should be personal, embracing awareness and growth (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015, p. 88).
This has been one of the hardest steps for me as these questions can be difficult to answer. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times weeks, to find the truth beyond my assumptions. The more I practice questioning, the better I get at it. I can even avoid potential misunderstandings by first asking questions. The next step may be to say to your spouse, “This is what I am telling myself. Help me see the truth.”
Photo from pexels.com
The Revolution
Searching for truth without stress was the key. As it turned out, my feelings of disconnection stemmed from a negative teenage memory. And my husband was not intentionally trying to leave me out. I was six months pregnant, tired, and going to bed at 8pm, and he was doing fun things on his own while allowing me to sleep.
Knowing the real story helped us to move forward.
The Rising Strong Process also yielded additional insights. For example, we recognized a greater need for spending more time together. We began writing the next part of our story together. “The Revolution” allows our knowledge to change the way we love one another.
When we see our spouse more fully, we can love them better.
Conclusion
When we continue to believe the “story we are telling ourselves” rather than dive deeper to find the real story, we risk remaining in the same conflict or perhaps only addressing surface-level problems.
There will always be marital conflict, but when we learn to question our own feelings in an emotionally intelligent way, we can build resilience. We can begin to rewrite our marital stories.
So the next time you feel your teeth clench or your heart pound, see it for what it truly is: your body and mind sensing emotional danger. Start by looking inward. Find the trigger. Acknowledge your deepest fears and insecurities. Then, challenge your assumptions. Embrace the real story, and find the courage to act.
You never know how sharing your innermost feelings could strengthen your marriage.
Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Spend some time this week practicing reflecting on how you are feeling, and being curious about why you are feeling those feelings. Be sure to do so OUTSIDE of a conflict.
References
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
All of us are fighting a hard battle. Maybe you’re like me and infertility is really weighing you down right now. Maybe you’re going through a divorce. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job, or are struggling to lose weight and eat healthy. Maybe your toddler is driving you really close to burnout. Maybe mental health is eating you alive. It doesn’t matter what it is – we all have things going on that are tough. And we can’t do it alone. Nor should we have to.
Sometimes we feel like we have to – no one wants to take my burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. No one cares about what I’m going through. I’m the only one. All of these are toxic things we tell ourselves. These faulty beliefs isolate us and breed loneliness and poorer physical and mental health (Sippel, et al., 2015).
What are the benefits of having a support system?
Breast cancer patients who are socially isolated are more likely to experience tumor growth and at a more rapid rate than their peers who do have a strong support system (Hinzey, et al., 2016). And elderly adults reported a greater sense of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms when satisfied with the amount of support received from their family (Montpetit, et al., 2016). Elderly individuals are also more likely to be physically active when they feel supported, which is especially important given that a lack of physical activity contributes significantly to mortality in elderly patients (Smith, et al., 2017). Caregivers of patients suffering from terminal illness refusing treatment also found significant reduction in anxiety and burden by attending support groups (Chan, et al., 2016). Men who use online support groups for their infertility report a significant increase in well being, support and life satisfaction, despite the emotional exhaustion of infertility treatment and perceived stigma (Richard, et al., 2017). Poly-victimized girls with a support system of peers were less likely to have psychotic experiences (Crush et al., 2018). And medical residents experiencing loneliness were more likely to also experience both personal and work-related burnout. But when they rely on their coworkers for support, they report less loneliness and burnout, more energy and higher work performance (Rogers et al., 2016).
What it really comes down to is that whatever you are struggling with, building and utilizing a support system can help you emotionally and physically.
Photo from pexels.com
How do I create my support system?
There are many ways to do this. One way is to join an organized support group. Support groups exist for almost everything: diabetes, care for elderly parents/spouse, infertility, adoption or foster care, parenting a special needs child, marital struggles, mental health or substance use struggles, loved ones of the same, etc. Some of these are just groups of people reaching out for support, like on Facebook or other social media platforms. Other times these groups are more organized and facilitated by a therapist or social worker or other professional. These groups, especially those facilitated by professionals have pretty good outcomes(Chan, et al., 2016). But the less organized groups on social media report good outcomes as well (Richard, et al., 2017).
Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash
In addition to these more formal options, your friends and family can be a great support system. There is no need to suffer alone or hide your pain and struggle from people who love and care about you. Having said that, not all of your friends or family will understand and be able to help. You will have to weed people out – not all of the people we love are able to give us empathy, validation, appropriate feedback, and assistance. Delicately introduce elements of your struggle that you are comfortable sharing. Test the reactions. Does the person blow off what you are saying or immediately jump to fix it? Do they tell you it isn’t a big deal? If they do, you probably don’t want to include them in your support system. But if they ask clarifying questions, provide appropriate insight and feedback, and express empathy for your struggle, you’ve probably got a good candidate for your support group.
No one in your life can fill every need. That’s why it is important to have many people in your support system.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones OR I feel uncomfortable asking for help
Many people won’t ask for help and support because they don’t want to inconvenience others. They don’t want to ask because they keep telling themselves “I’m fine” and what would they even ask for anyway?
But sometimes we aren’t fine, and if we don’t take the time to self-care and connect with the important people in our lives, healing slows, and sometimes we remain broken.
But we must find ways to get help. This may, of course, be easier in an organized support group. But even in developing your own support system, help can come organically. Schedule time with members of your support system. You don’t have to spend the entire time talking about your problems. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes companionship is enough. Text or call. Be willing to ask for the little things. If you are open you will find people in your life with similar struggles who know what to say and how to help. There have been many times I have been open and offered details of my infertility to someone I didn’t think could possibly understand and received some of the greatest support and empathy. Building a support system requires openness and vulnerability and there is a level of risk. But the risk is worth it. It takes practice. Start small.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Therapeutic or professional intervention may still be necessary
Be aware that even when we have the best support team ever we may still need professional support. Our support systems are intended to be just that – support. But they aren’t usually the ultimate “fix-it” or solution. If I get in a car accident and am injured I can use my support system, but I would still go to the hospital for medical care. If my car breaks down, someone in my support system can give me a ride, but I still take the car to a mechanic. The same goes with our mental health. I can use my support system for comfort, support, and accountability, but I may still need therapy and medication to work through my trauma or manage my anxiety. Our support systems add to professional help; they rarely replace it.
Building a support system makes such a difference. There are more people struggling than you know, and there is no need to struggle alone. Asking for help and reaching outside of yourself may take courage but it boosts mental health, physical health, confidence, and decreases feelings of loneliness and hopelessness (Sippel et al., 2015).
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
References
Chan, K. Y., Yip, T., Yap, D. Y., Sham, M. K., Wong, Y. C., Lau, V. W. K., … Chan, T. M. (2016). Enhanced Psychosocial Support for Caregiver Burden for Patients With Chronic Kidney Failure Choosing Not to Be Treated by Dialysis or Transplantation: A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial. American Journal of Kidney Diseases, 67(4), 585–592. doi: 10.1053/j.ajkd.2015.09.021
Crush, E., Arseneault, L., & Fisher, H. L. (2018). “Girls get by with a little help from their friends: Gender differences in protective effects of social support for psychotic phenomena amongst poly-victimised adolescents”: Correction. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology: The International Journal for Research in Social and Genetic Epidemiology and Mental Health Services, 53(12), 1419. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00127-018-1620-0
Hinzey, A., Gaudier-Diaz, M. M., Lustberg, M. B., & Devries, A. C. (2016). Breast cancer and social environment: getting by with a little help from our friends. Breast Cancer Research, 18(1). doi: 10.1186/s13058-016-0700-x
Montpetit, M. A., Nelson, N. A., & Tiberio, S. S. (2017). Daily interactions and affect in older adulthood: Family, friends, and perceived support. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 18(2), 373–388. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9730-4
Richard, J., Badillo-Amberg, I., & Zelkowitz, P. (2017). “So Much of This Story Could Be Me”: Men’s Use of Support in Online Infertility Discussion Boards. American Journal of Men’s Health, 663–673. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988316671460
Rogers, E., Polonijo, A. N., & Carpiano, R. M. (2016). Canadian Family Physician, 62 (11).
Sippel, L. M., R. H. Pietrzak, D. S. Charney, L. C. Mayes, and S. M. Southwick. 2015. How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society20(4):10.
Lindsay Smith, G., Banting, L., Eime, R., O’Sullivan, G., & van Uffelen, J. G. Z. (2017). The association between social support and physical activity in older adults: A systematic review. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 14. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1186/s12966-017-0509-8
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
On March 30, 2019, I lined up on the deck of a pool with hundreds of other people, swim cap on head, borrowed goggles ready to put on, nose plug discreetly tucked in the pocket of my spandex shorts, ready to put on. I began to shiver with nerves as the first swimmers jumped in the pool and began the 300m swim. Was I too far forward in the line? Should I be further back with the slower swimmers? Should I be AT THE VERY BACK, because I was probably the slowest swimmer here (or so I felt)?
I got to the edge of the pool and waited for the okay to jump in. “Take a deep breath… and exhale,” the man at the timing mat said to me. “You’ve got this. You’re good to go.” I jumped into the pool and began to swim.
Three months earlier in January 2019, I had jumped into a pool for the first time in years to try to learn how to swim more efficiently. A friend had invited me to do a sprint triathlon with her in March and the thought just kept coming into my mind. I already had a background in running, and I wasn’t too concerned about picking up cycling, but I had never felt confident in the water. I felt self-conscious every time I got in the pool and tried to swim. I technically knew how to swim (or rather, I knew how to not drown), but I always went so slowly, inhaled water through my nose, and had no endurance. The last time I remember trying to learn to swim was when I had to swim 200m for my scuba certification back in fall 2014. My friend Elizabeth met me at a pool, gave me her old pair of goggles to use, and taught me the basics of the freestyle stroke and breathing. I completed that 200m swim, and then can’t remember stepping into a public pool since then — until January 2019.
Photo from pexels.com
It wasn’t graceful. I had to pause and catch my breath at least every 25m. I swam for a total of 14 minutes, and a lot of that was resting.
I swam about once a week for the first month, then increased to two times a week. I remember the first time I felt comfortable swimming. I realized I didn’t feel as self-conscious, out of place or awkward as I had been feeling. I just felt like another swimmer training alongside those in the other lanes.
When I jumped into the pool for the triathlon I was nervous, and really, that nervousness didn’t go away until I was out of the pool. I was so nervous that I couldn’t maintain my bilateral breathing, which usually felt most comfortable to me while training. I alternated between freestyle swimming and backstroking to get through those 300m. But I did it.
Learning to Learn
My mom always tells me that I could sing before I could talk. I carried a tune perfectly, even as an infant. Music always came easy. I continued to sing in church, in middle school and high school choirs, and in indie bands as I moved into adulthood. I supplemented my talent with training, but still, it just always felt easy.
Other potential hobbies and interests did not feel that easy. I have vague memories of showing up to auditions and tryouts for random sports and clubs with little to no prior experience, expecting to just give it a go, join the team, then learn from there. I can remember sneaking out of at least two of those tryouts embarrassed, unable to keep up (for example: hip hop dance team, and I had never tried to learn a dance move in my life).
Photo from pexels.com
Because my main hobby came so easy to me, it had never occurred to me that I needed to start from the very bottom and work my way up with other things in my life. I just associated a lack of knowledge or skill with the embarrassment of sneaking out of an audition or tryout early.
Essentially, I associated my lack of knowledge or skill with failure.
My views on this didn’t change overnight, and I can’t even pinpoint a moment when they did. I do know that in 2014, I trained and prepared for a 10k, a relay race, and my open water scuba diving certification — all things that I wouldn’t even have considered being able to complete a year earlier but the opportunities just fell into my lap within the year (though the 10k and relay races were definitely “someday” items). I had personal moments through 2015 and 2016 that tore me down and required me to emotionally build myself back up. In 2017 I followed my first training plan to prepare for my first half marathon, a task that I could hardly fathom beforehand.
Learning to grow physically and emotionally through these various challenges definitely taught me how to be a beginner and start from the bottom, but I didn’t know how to define that until later.
The Growth Mindset
In December 2017 I read the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, and suddenly the pieces fell into place. It outlined the principles that I had been learning over the past few years and finally gave it a name: the Growth Mindset.
The growth mindset, according to Dweck, is the belief that our intelligence, personality, and skills are things we can develop, as opposed to things that are fixed and unchangeable.
The growth mindset views failures and setbacks as actions (“I failed”) rather than an identity (“I am a failure”) (Dweck 33). It offers the opportunity to grow and become, rather than remaining stagnant. It offers a productive purpose, instead of seeking external approval or validation. Dweck states, “When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world–the world of fixed traits–success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other–the world of changing qualities–it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself” (Dweck 15).
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
When I walked into the hip hop dance team tryouts with no prior dance experience, I saw myself as someone who simply could not follow choreography, was not coordinated, and awkwardly snuck out of a room full of graceful, hip popping (is that what hip hop is?), cooler-than-me high school girls. Over 10 years later, my then-boyfriend was trying to romantically slow dance with me in the kitchen while dinner cooked, and my hands instantly started sweating. It was not romantic. I’ve only recently realized that I can probably dance — I just need to take the time to learn in my own way, at my own pace.
Comparatively, by the time I started training for my first triathlon in January 2019, the growth mindset had already become a common way of thinking for me. While I was a bit embarrassed about wearing a nose plug in public, it didn’t stop me because it helped me focus on other aspects of my form (and I just slipped it off to catch my breath in between laps). If I’m sharing a lane with someone faster than me, I don’t think much of it anymore — we’re all going at our own pace, and they are probably just focusing on their training like I am on mine. I don’t care if people see me working with my swim coach on the tiny little details while they’re breezing by with seemingly 10-second laps, because the tiny little details are where I’m at right now, and I love soaking in those details and those skills. The growth mindset has taught me to love the process and not just the outcome, especially when I’m starting with a nose plugged, 25m out-of-breath slow swim. That just means there is so much more to learn, and learning is incredibly exciting!
How
The growth mindset is incredibly valuable in all areas of life, from athletic endeavors, to education, to professional development, daily habits, and more. So, how do you change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset to see this value?
We have to change how we respond to challenges, failures, and even how we approach our goals. It’s changing that inner dialogue from “I am a failure” to “I failed” — from a permanent label to a single setback that can be moved past and overcome. It’s reframing the situation.
Here is a short exercise you can do to begin reframing your thoughts:
Consider a situation that you’ve used to define a negative trait in yourself (or, if you’re experiencing a situation right now that really has you feeling down, use that). Write it down, and then write down your current inner dialogue.
For example: I’m always 10-15 minutes late for everything I’m invited to. I’m never on time.
Now, reframe the situation. In this example, I put myself in a holding pattern: I’m NEVER on time. But am I NEVER on time, or have I just been late to quite a few events in the past? Rephrase the statement to reflect that.
I have been late to quite a few events in the past.
Assuming you want to improve upon that self-perceived negative trait, consider ways you can change your approach in the future.
I’m going to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than I normally would. I’ll plan to leave the house 10 minutes early. I’m going to set alarms on my phone to remind me when I need to start getting ready and when I need to leave the house. If I get to the event early, I can just relax in my car for a few minutes before going in.
A large part of the growth mindset is taking action. I love how Dweck defines this in her book: “The critical thing is to make a concrete, growth-oriented plan, and to stick to it” (Dweck 229). Concrete. Growth-oriented. And then implementing that plan, not just sitting on it.
Photo from pexels.com
The Outcome
A 2016 study shows the impact of practicing the growth mindset in an academic setting. In a survey administered in 2012 to every 10th-grade Chilean student, their parents, and school, questions about students’ “mindsets about the malleability of intelligence” were asked. The questions helped categorize the students into having a fixed mindset, growth mindset, or “mixed mindset.” Regardless of socioeconomic factors, students displaying a growth mindset consistently scored higher academically than those displaying a fixed mindset. Additionally, while the lowest-income students were twice as likely to display a fixed mindset than the highest-income students, the lowest-income students who did display a growth mindset also showed high academic success. This shows, I believe, the transformational power of the growth mindset to improve our circumstances and our lives.
As mentioned previously, I started working with a swim coach a few months after my March 2019 triathlon to help me become a more efficient swimmer. I was told that by learning proper form, I could swim with greater ease and efficiency, and it was true! With each lesson, I became more comfortable and more competent as a swimmer. I still have a lot more practice I need to get in before my next triathlon, but I’m pretty proud of my progress so far: Whereas the farthest I had swum in March was 300m, I was able to swim 750m by July, and 1000m just a few days later. In between those notable swims were a handful of swim lessons, many solo swim practices, YouTube videos, visualizing, accidentally starting out too fast, forgetting to breathe, forgetting my mantra, remembering my mantra, and more.
If swimming 1000m comes naturally to you, that’s great. But as with most things, I didn’t just go out and swim 1000m one day — but I believed I could get there, so I put in the work and did it.
Practice reframing your fixed statements into growth statements. See the section entitled “How” for an example of how to do this.
References
Claro, S., Paunesku, D., & Dweck, C. S. (2016). Growth mindset tempers the effects of poverty on academic achievement. PNAS Early Edition, Stanford University. Under Review.
Dweck, C.S. (2012). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Random House.
Li, Y., & Bates, T. C. (2019). You can’t change your basic ability, but you work at things, and that’s how we get hard things done: Testing the role of growth mindset on response to setbacks, educational attainment, and cognitive ability. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(9), 1640–1655. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/xge0000669
Saraff, S., Tiwari, A., & Rishipal. (2020). Effect of mindfulness on self-concept, self-esteem and growth mindset: Evidence from undergraduate students. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 15(1), 329–340. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.32381/JPR.2020.15.01.28
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Dating is difficult. I know this because I am right there with you – In the trenches, as it were. Truly, there is happiness and sorrow that can be found in EVERY phase of life, but being single certainly has its unique challenges.
When we created the Healthy Humans Project, we dreamed for it to be a place where ALL individuals and families could turn to learn and develop skills that will help them find wellness – no matter what phase of life they are in.
As a single individual working on this project, however, I recognized a hole in our topics that felt important to address. What does the research say about singleness and dating, I wondered? It’s about time we figured that out! This is why we are excited to announce that we have created the “Single Souls” subcategory – Here you will be able to find articles about relationships that are geared toward those of us in the singlehood.
PLEASE DON’T FORGET that one of the main goals of Healthy Humans Project is that ALL might find ways to relate with each article, and the “Single Souls” articles will be no different. The hope is that while these are written directly for single individuals, there can be helpful nuggets found for everyone in each one.
Because this is so new, we really want your feedback about what YOU want to learn on the topics of dating/singleness. What questions do you have? What unique challenges did you face or are you currently facing as a single individual?
We need your input.
Please contact us on the “Contact Us” form, through our post on instagram or facebook, or in our direct messages. Friday, August 9, 2019, we will choose THREE RANDOM INDIVIDUALS who have given input to reward with a $10 gift card of your choice.
Get excited about what’s to come! And as always, thank you for showing up and being a part of this community.
Love,
Sydney Tittle & The HHP Team
P.S. Check this out…
The OG Tinder Profile
The history of “online dating” is fascinating! Sources say that the first known “personal ad” was published in a British agricultural journal in 1685.
“A Gentleman about 30 years of age” who “would willingly match himself to some good young gentlewoman…”
Can you imagine THAT on a tinder profile? Probably not. Hundreds of years have passed. Some things remain the same, but so much is different. Not only has the platform changed, but attitudes, exposure, opportunity, and purpose have as well. Just in the last 10 years, there seems to have been a complete cultural shift in the dating world. Some main contributors to this could be the birth of instagram, dating apps, and widespread use of smartphones. Humans have LEVELED UP on their mate selection tactics.
Coming Soon! – 3 Challenges of Modern Dating, and what we can do about it!: A 3-Part Series
Sydney Tittleis an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
