Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.
Light Therapy
Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.
Exercise
This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
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Talk Therapy
As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.
Vitamin D
Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
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Social interactions
Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
1. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.
References
Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
For some, chatting with children comes very naturally. But for many, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward. As we age, we tend to understand children less and less. The way they think, communicate and view the world becomes foreign to us, even though we too were once children.
Think of the last conversation you had with a young child. It probably felt a little one-sided! They probably didn’t get the punch line to your joke or answer the question you asked in the first place. The fact of the matter is, kids speak differently than adults, and if we hope to foster intelligence and success in our children, we need to do a better job of meeting them where they are at developmentally.
Here are the basic tenets of speaking children-ese. Mastering these basics will help you feel more confident in conversing and connecting with the children in your life.
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Speaking to children is just as much a physical activity as it is verbal.
The physical act of getting down to a child’s level cannot be underestimated. This communicates to the child, “I’m here. What you have to say is important. And I’m ready to give you my full attention.” When we talk about getting down to a child’s level, we mean quite literally, get down to a child’s level! Once you’re down, look them in the eyes. Eye contact communicates to the child that they can expect to be taught something and engages their focus (Csibra & Gergely, 2009). Literally reaching out and gently touching the child then lays the groundwork for verbal communication as it instills a sense of security and affection (Gordon et al., 2010).
When it comes to words, less is more.
Kids are very literal. Metaphors and sarcasm are often lost on them unless concisely explained. Similarly, our society is filled with cultural norms and niceties that confuse children. Common phrases like “I’d prefer it if you…” or “I’d feel more comfortable if…” send a complicated message by giving children a sense of choice when in reality, there is none. “Please stop” and “This will keep you safe” have much more meaning to a child and leave no room for interpretation.
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As adults, we tend to constantly be thinking of the future and what’s next on our to-do list while children tend to focus on the here and now. They are masters at living in the moment because developmentally, children cannot conceptualize the future well. Phrases like “we’re leaving soon” or “it’s almost time for school” are much less effective than, “you have time to read one more book before we go” or, “it’s time for school, please put your shoes on.” Verbal communication with children must be guided by two principles: be direct, be concise.
What we can learn from children.
Although we as adults are thought to be the teachers of communication, we can learn so much from children! We can follow their example by giving less thought to the future and slowing down and living in the moment. As well as by using direct and concise language to express ourselves.
The next time you talk with someone, practice communicating like a child by giving them your full attention, being direct and concise and perhaps most importantly, being present. Implementing these practices will be invaluable to your relationships!
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To sum things up.
The challenge of speaking children-ese is not so much that it is a foreign language, rather it is that it requires our full attention. As adults, we have to re-learn how to communicate simply and directly and cut out physical distraction and verbal fluff. The more we master these basics, the stronger and more meaningful our connections will be with the children in our lives.
The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices:
Physical
Get down on their level
Look them in the eye
Reach out and touch them
Verbal
Practice speaking literally
Live in the moment
Be direct and concise
References
Csibra G, Gergely G. (2009).Natural pedagogy. Trends Cogn Sci. Apr; 13(4):148-53.
Gordon I., Zagoory-Sharon O., Leckman JF., Feldman R. (2010). Oxytocin and the development of parenting in humans. Biol Psychiatry 68: 377-382.
Romeo, R. R., Leonard, J. A., Robinson, S. T., West, M. R., Mackey, A. P., Rowe, M. L., & Gabrieli, J. D. E. (2018). Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure Is Associated With Language-Related Brain Function. Psychological Science, 29(5), 700–710.
Tompkins, V., Montgomery, D. E., & Blosser, M. K. (2021). Mother‐child talk about mental states: The what, who, and how of conversations about the mind. Social Development. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/sode.12551
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
There are a lot of opinions out there about singleness. From books, to movies, to research, to your parents; if you’re a single person, or have ever been a single person, you’ve been there (or are there), wading through a myriad of self-doubt and endless conversations with your friends about what the heck you’re doing wrong.
While it might be easier to write a long list of complaints and frustrations about dating and singlehood, it is my hope to offer some suggestions and guidance to make navigating the massive volcano of singleness a little bit easier. These are three areas that I work on remembering when the fears and frustrations about being single start to creep in.
1. Stop playing the comparison game.
We hear of the dangers of comparison all the time, but why exactly can it be so dangerous? One reason is that comparison is usually inaccurate. We often compare our worst moments to someone else’s best. We take someone else’s relationship at face value, rather than realizing that while romantic relationships can be an incredible well of happiness, being in one doesn’t automatically make it fulfilling or make one happy.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
There are further dangers in playing the comparison game. In a study by Swallow and Kuiper (1988), they theorized that certain distorted views of the self may arise and be maintained by social comparison. They found evidence that social comparison, that is, using “social information to evaluate [one’s] own abilities and opinions,” can increase depressive symptoms in an individual.
It is especially easy in the current social climate to compare. An increase in the use and availability of social media can make it seem like everyone else is ahead of you, more attractive than you, happier than you, and more successful than you.
A few keys to beating the comparison game? Remind yourself that life isn’t a competition and that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. Work on practicing gratitude for your life and the beautiful things in it. If social media is really getting you down, make a goal to take a break from it for a while.
2. It’s okay to be sad.
Anyone who has talked with me at length knows that I am a big fan of letting yourself feel things. We weren’t made to be happy all the time. It’s such an unrealistic standard. Sometimes being single when we want to be in a relationship is really hard. We struggle and try and it seems fruitless. We see friends and family members get engaged and married and feel keenly the desire to have those same experiences. We want to love and to be loved. Those are worthy and healthy desires.
So, am here to tell you it’s okay to be sad about being single. It’s okay to feel frustrated with dating. It’s okay to think this article you’re reading is dumb and unhelpful. Letting ourselves feel what we feel without judgment, can help us move past those feelings and use them more productively.
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A current form of therapy used by a variety of mental health professionals is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. The goal of ACT is not to eliminate difficult feelings, but to sit with them, and work with them. Accepting where you are, here and now, can be incredibly freeing. So, if you need to spend an evening with a bucket of ice-cream wondering why this is so hard, go for it, remembering that what matters at the end of the day is getting up and trying again tomorrow.
3. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones worth having.
Society loves to put romantic relationships on a pedestal. They become the end all be all of movies, music, and television. Now, I love a good chick-flick every now and then. I also love LOVE. I am in no way disparaging the importance and benefits of romantic relationships and the levels of intimacy they can reach.
However, it’s easy to assume that the only kind of relationships worth having are romantic ones when that is goal of nearly every protagonist in pop-culture, and pop-culture loves to leave out all the hard, disappointing, and frustrating aspects of romantic relationships. Societal and cultural expectations also put a heavy emphasis on romantic relationships, which can add to the stress of being single.
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Fostering deep and abiding platonic friendships is so important to our overall happiness and wellbeing. Demir and Davidson (2013) found that friendship consistently correlated to happiness, but not just any kind of friendships will do. They postulated that friendships where there was a fulfillment of basic psychological needs, such as connectedness with, and feeling needed by others, were more positively related to happiness.
Developing and maintaining friendships where both parties feel appreciated, needed, and supported is available to us, regardless of romantic attachment. Reach out to the people you love, ask for help and support when you need it, and remember that you are not alone on your journey.
—
There are countless other aspects of being single I could continue to talk about, but I’ll leave you with a short anecdote.
Recently I was talking with a mentoring figure in my life whom I greatly respect. I was venting my frustrations with dating and expressing how hopeless finding a romantic partner can feel sometimes. As I finished expressing my concerns and fears, this wonderful mentor validated my frustrations and told me to never give up. But he wasn’t talking about never giving up on dating, he was telling me to never give up on myself. And that’s the message I’d like to leave with you, never give up on yourself. Wherever your dating journey takes you, I implore you to remember that your worth is not defined by the labels of single or taken.
Choose a non-romantic relationship to nurture and further develop this week.
References
Swallow, S. R., & Kuiper, N. A. (1988). Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(1), 55-76.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts, feelings of mattering, and satisfaction of basic psychological needs in same-sex best friendships as predictors of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525-550.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.
1. Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together.
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2. Empathy
Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).
3. Respects Boundaries
Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time.
Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
4. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.
But how can you REALLY tell?
These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Golden Rule
Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“Change isn’t painful. Only the resistance to change is painful.” -Buddha
A popular saying today is “people don’t change.” I’ve heard this idea come up in many conversations with friends and family. Usually, when discussing the behaviors we notice in our relationships, we make generalizations about our loved ones. However, a more accurate assumption is “people don’t change for you.” Below is an analysis of the reality that change is inevitable, yet unpredictable.
How we measure change is flawed
Change is uncomfortable. Humankind generally avoids the uncertain, because it feels unsafe. Because of this, we try to define others in black and white terms. We say things like my spouse is insensitive or I’m just not a patient person or my children are ungrateful, etc. Though the emotions behind such phrases are entirely valid, the statements themselves aren’t necessarily true. Early on we learn to make judgments and give meaning to our circumstances. Up vs. down. Yummy vs. yucky, etc. This antithetical way of thinking can help in the way we interact with the objective, physical world. However, many problems can occur when using the same methods to understand human behavior.
The problem with a fixed mindset regarding behavior is that it classifies people using false dichotomies. That they are either one way or the other. Not only is that limiting, but it’s also unrealistic. We take a similar approach when we measure change. We often put behaviors on a linear path to try and make sense of them. But, more often than not, people defy this path, making data incongruent. Think of addiction recovery, for example. Is the path from addiction to abstinence a straight line for everyone? Of course not. According to Prochaska, such approaches do not accurately represent how people change, and “it leads us to expect that people change quickly.” (1991). Imagine a spiral or a bunch of scribbles in place of a line, and you’ll have a better representation of the change process. Human behavior is too complex to measure objectively.
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash
We can’t change people
Have you ever entered a relationship hoping or expecting the other person to change? Not only is this unlikely, but it causes unnecessary suffering. I’m sure most of us have gotten caught in the trap of they should change because they love me or because they promised me or because it’s the right thing to do, etc. That mindset is taking their change process and making it about you. Unconsciously, we’ve all tried to change others. When we perceive people’s opinions or actions as harmful to us, we often resort to unhealthy forms of persuasion. Have you ever found yourself thinking we keep having this conversation and nothing changes? Consider if any of the following sounds familiar.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank), and they don’t even try.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank) and they do it! It only lasts for a short period before they’re back to the same pattern.
I’ve told them to (fill in the blank). Months/years later they do said thing, and believe they came up with it entirely on their own.
The truth is people don’t transform for anyone other than themselves. You might think that’s not true, I’ve changed for loved ones. Don’t I deserve the same courtesy? Though we might think we adjust for others, consider the idea that you initially did it for your own benefit. Something inside you agreed with the request of someone else. You decided it was worth it, or important for the person and you. No one can force a behavior. We all make our own choices in the end. Trying to change people against their will is insanity. We might believe people don’t change because we’ve been unsuccessful at changing them, or vice versa. But, change is an individual experience. Lasting change comes from within us, not from outside people or sources. (Tolle, 1997).
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash
Change happens, but not how we think
Most of the thoughts that drive our behavior aren’t fully conscious. Our brain uses the easiest and most familiar pathways when making decisions. Change requires new pathways in the brain. This is why change feels difficult, and often takes longer than we’d like. “People do not change chronic behaviors quickly.” (Proschaska, 1991).Think back to who you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago. What is the difference? At our core, we feel the same. Yet, notice how you’ve changed your mind in that time. Maybe your spiritual or political beliefs have changed. Perhaps you deal with stress differently. As you ponder how you’ve changed, notice that you’ve changed in ways you didn’t anticipate or plan.
It’s the same with our loved ones. They do change, but in their time and way. Not as we expect. Truthfully, people are constantly changing. Conscious, or not, we are evolving every day. The reason we believe people don’t change is because they do so on their terms. We may change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors over a long period of time. We can also change our mind overnight. Those close to us can and will change in ways we don’t relate to, or want. This can be frustrating, but remember “If we all thought the same then we wouldn’t need each other.”(Gordon, 2019).
Be better, not bitter
What about when change feels negative? Sometimes we perceive other’s evolution for the worse. Some changes can be life-altering like illness, abuse, death, trauma, divorce, and addiction. When change hurts, grieve it. Allow yourself to feel fully, and take steps toward healing. This could be through methods like meditation, therapy, exercise, eating well, spirituality and connecting/relying on loved ones. Then, when you’re ready, consider do I want to be better or bitter as a result of this?
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My sister expressed that early on in her marriage she felt worried about some changes in the way her husband viewed certain things. She told him, “I chose you because I thought you were safe.” They both worked through this by seeking to understand each other, and she came to realize that she was trying to make uncertain things certain. She was keeping him in a box because that felt like less of a risk. In letting go she now views their differing opinions as a good, helpful thing. Some people have thoughts like he/she’s not the person I married or I don’t know them anymore. Well, of course they’re not. Who you know now will be different later on. “An identity, a sense of permanency – is a recipe for frustration and suffering.” (Tolle, 1997). Allow yourself and others to change in the ways they choose. It is freeing for them and you.
In conclusion, let go. Release the need for permanency and allow life and others to shift. People surprise us. Embrace a mindset of faith in the unknown and the beauty of evolution. Don’t expect people to change, but be open to the notion that they likely will in arbitrary ways. Practice the perspective given by Donte Collins: “A lover doesn’t discourage your growth. A lover says, ‘I see who you are today, I cannot wait to see who you become tomorrow.’”
Practice observing people’s behavior without making a judgment. Express joy and gratitude for your loved ones when they make changes, even when it feels uncomfortable.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
1. Take time for self care.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
