Buddhism defines attachment as the root of all suffering. And research shows that attachment is a common factor among individuals with symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentment, suicidal ideations, stress, and low self-esteem (Bates et al., 2018). Most of us aren’t fully conscious that our obsessions keep us stuck. Before I embraced mindfulness, I thought I’d always have a void. I believed life would persist in arbitrary, empty feelings. Our inability to feel satisfied, connected, and joyful comes from our conditioning to seek outside ourselves. Nonattachment means letting go of our “fixation to ideas, images, and sensory objects and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid or change” (Sahdra et al., 2010). So, in what ways are we creating our own suffering, and how can we practice a meaningful life of nonattachment?
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What We Try to Possess, Possesses Us – Our Attachment to Things
A common area of attachment is found with our rumination of things, or materialism. Thoughts like once I have that car, home, wardrobe…then I’ll feel wanted, respected or good about myself. Materialism increases our comparison to others, discontent with our physical appearance, public self-consciousness, and feelings of inadequacy and lack (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). So, why do we exhaust ourselves over having things if it doesn’t make us happy? Ironically, we attach our emotions to things outside us thinking it will ease our discomfort. Have you ever experienced a lonely night and found yourself online shopping? For a while, I attached my worth to my intellect, and thought the more books I owned the more secure I’d feel. We may experience momentary relief in our materialistic efforts, but we all know it doesn’t last. When we give things responsibility over our fulfillment, then we’ve also given up our power because our contentment is contingent upon having, rather than creating. Remember, it’s the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself, that creates unnecessary suffering.
Attached vs. Connected – Our Attachments to People
Perhaps more than things, we experience many attachments in our relationships. These usually show up in the form of preconceived notions. Take the transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic and stable phase as an example. Couples express anxiety and disappointment as the relationship changes because they think they’re no longer in love. It’s the clinging to the euphoria of a relationship that actually keeps them from feeling happy (Bates et al., 2018). Whereas accepting what is opens them up to new ways of loving and evolving together. Is it comfortable? No. But, pining for the way it was will create resentment and limit our growth with our partners.
Aren’t we supposed to seek connection? Absolutely! We’re hard-wired for it (Brown, 2012). But, being unattached doesn’t mean you don’t care. Paradoxically letting go frees you up to love without condition, which facilitates true connection. Let’s define the difference between attachment and connection, since this can be tricky to grasp. Both are rooted in the same desires: to love and be loved. Yet, how we show up for people is a huge contrast. Attachment is based on fear and control. Connection is based on faith and letting go. Attachment encourages hiding or changing parts of ourselves. Connection is transparent and honest. Attachment feels like bondage. Connection feels like freedom. An attached person bases their emotional well-being on the behaviors of others. A connected person traces all emotional disturbances back to themselves. An attached person will see their loved ones as they “ought” to be, and resent or judge them when they inevitably fail to show up that way. A connected person sees their loved ones as they actually are, and accepts them for it. Practicing nonattachment shows increased empathy for others (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). The paradox is that when we let go of our attachments we feel more connected.
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Truthfully, most relationships have attachments. Do you expect your children to go to college? Do you expect your partner to stay with you for life? Do you expect your friend to call on your birthday? These are all attachments. Even the healthiest partnerships will experience hurt feelings and frustrations. Being unattached does not mean you don’t have needs in a relationship, but that you take ownership for those needs. Empowering yourself will help you to make loving requests of the people in your life to meet those needs, rather than entitled demands that they should. The more we can notice our own limiting thoughts about others, the greater capacity we’ll have to let go of being right and choose love instead.
“Be That Self Which One Truly Is” – Our Attachments to Identity
An ancient method for catching monkeys is to place a banana in a cage. When the animal comes along it will reach through the bars and grab the banana. A hunter will then capture the monkey effortlessly all because it won’t let go. The solution is simple: let go of the banana! This isn’t the monkey’s only source of food. It could easily let go, find food elsewhere and keep its life. But, it’s so attached to the fruit it cannot comprehend the simplicity of freedom. In what ways are we controlled simply because we won’t let go?
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One of the strongest attachment issues we face is around our sense of self. We over-identify using outside sources to make meaning of who we are. Our attachments may be financial status, appearance and body image, popularity, achievements, number of likes and followers, religion, family background, relationship status, perceived talents and abilities, sexual desires and preferences, our youth, gender, race, nationality, addiction, mental health issues, and any other ideas of who you are. Some of us are even attached to our own suffering, or identity as a victim. It’s one thing to acknowledge all these parts of ourselves, and another to attach our sense of worth to them. The self is elusive. Our thoughts of identity aren’t who we really are. The true Self is divine. To see and accept ourselves beyond mental and social constructs is nonattachment, and nonattachment is true love.
So what if we trust life the way we trust our breathing? Our inhale provides oxygen necessary to our survival. But the exhale is just as important to rid the body of carbon dioxide. Can we be grateful for the inhale, and then let go, or exhale knowing there is more good to come? Just as there is nourishment in breath, there is nourishment in all aspects of life: work, relationships, beliefs, etc. It is when we attach to these things that we unconsciously “disturb ourselves with expectations, opinions, criticisms, and disappointments” (Adele, 2009). Trust life knowing that the nature of existence is impermanence. Just like our breathing, when held too long, that which was nourishing becomes toxic. So, let go of the banana.
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In conclusion, having attachments isn’t good or bad. Shakespeare said, “nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” So the only question left is how do you want to feel? What attachments would you like to keep, and which would you like to let go of? Ask yourself, “is this attachment serving me? Does it feel light or heavy? Is it creating more joy or more suffering?” Observing and being aware of our thoughts is the first step toward enlightenment.
This Week:
Notice your breathing. Can you inhale and exhale – take in and let go, and trust that more good comes?
Look at the objects you own. Do they feel light and detached from your worth? Or do they feel heavy and bring reminders of lack or insecurity?
Notice your expectations. Are you unconsciously demanding fulfillment and comfort from people? Or are you grateful for their existence and consciously making loving requests?
Observe your feelings about the self. Can you look at all the parts that define you without judgment? Or, do you need to look/be a certain way before you love yourself?
Remember, as you start your journey of nonattachment be curious and kind. Harsh judgments will bring further suffering. Just notice your thoughts, and you’ll be on the gradual path of freedom.
References
Adele, D. (2009). The yamas & niyamas: Exploring yoga’s ethical practice. On-Word Bound Books LLC.
Bates, G., Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2018). Stories of suffering and growth: An investigation of the lived experience of nonattachment. Contemporary Buddhism, 19(2), 448-475. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/14639947.2018.1572311
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, N.Y.: Gotham.
Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2019). The benefits of being less fixated on self and stuff: Nonattachment, reduced insecurity, and reduced materialism. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 302-308. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.019
Sandra, B., P. Shaver, and K. Brown. 2010. A scale to measure nonattachment: A Buddhist complement to western research on attachment and adaptive function. Journal of Personality Assessment 92 (2): 116-127. https://doi-10.1080/00223890903425960
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
We’ve all seen the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, “best sex of your life!!!” or “positions that will make him hot” and other variations of the same message that are frequent attention grabbers on the covers of Cosmopolitan magazine and others of the like. What really constitutes great sex though? Sexual positions? Let’s be honest, not all of us are Olympic gymnasts so there are really only so many variations of the same basic, and frankly more comfortable, positions. Is it the number of orgasms? What is it?
Researchers have asked this same question and the results might surprise you. Great sex has only a little to do with orgasm and nothing to do with exotic sex positions. The researchers found that “great sex” is composed of seven major components with two minor components or considerations (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
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Component #1: Being Present, Focused, and Embodied
The first and most commonly reported component identified was “being present, focused and embodied” during the sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). In other words, don’t be thinking about the pile of dishes in the sink or how the lawn needs to be mowed or about problems at work. Be present. Be mentally there as you engage in the experience of sex with your loved one.
Component #2: Connection, Alignment, and Being in Synch
This implies a depth of connection. That’s right, hook-ups probably aren’t going to result in truly great sex, but sex in a relationship where you have invested time, energy, and emotion will. In order to create this deep connection, Dr. Sue Johnson has prescribed caregiving and attention to one’s spouse or partner (Johnson & Zucarini, 2010). It may seem simplistic but it rings true; time, investment, and care for one another serve to deepen emotional connections which then intensify the sexual experience.
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Component #3: Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
While this component may sound a bit more predictable, what does it actually mean though apart from engaging in sex? In the study, one woman described this as feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her husband (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). It is one thing to be “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” in general and it is another thing to receive that kind of devotion in the sexual sphere. Sex is deeply personal and one of the very most intimate acts we can engage in as human beings, demonstrating acceptance and devotion to one’s partner in sex creates a deeper kind of intimacy.
Component #4: Extraordinary Communication and Heightened Empathy
It might be that you and your partner feel this deep emotional and sexual connection to one another but there is no way of knowing and trusting in that without extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. So what is it that makes communication extraordinary? The study described this superior form of communication as a couple’s “complete sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during and after sexual encounters” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and satisfaction have shown to be deeply connected (Yoo et al., 2014); sharing your feelings and personal experiences with your partner are a great way to heighten your emotional connection. It is also important to recognize that this kind of complete sharing also requires a complete form of listening and acceptance.
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Component #5: Being Authentic, Genuine, Transparent and Uninhibited
While this concept may seem similar to the complete sharing of extraordinary communication, it differs in the way that it is a feeling of freedom to be yourself with your partner rather than an act of communication. This can come in many forms such as confidence in your partner’s love for you, trust that your partner does find you attractive, or a self-assurance that you are a competent lover. True authenticity in couple and sexual relationships enables the couple to “let go” during the sexual experience and freely enjoy it for what it is.
Component #6: Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun
I think that far too often in life we forget to have fun and enjoy the moments we are in. Dr. Sue Johnson once called sex a “safe adventure” (Johnson, 2015) and it’s true; when we have invested time and energy and love into a relationship, we are free to enjoy the safe adventure of sex. Take the time to explore with one another. Is there something that you’ve always wanted to try? Suggest it to your partner! Is there a new position you heard about? Suggest it and try it if your partner is willing. Enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let go and feel comfortable in doing so.
Component #7: Vulnerability and Surrender
In my opinion, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. On vulnerability researcher Brené Brown has said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome… it’s not a weakness; it’s the greatest measure of courage.” True vulnerability allows us to let go of ourselves into the hands of another person and creates a couple-focused approach to the sexual experience.
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The two minor elements of great sex are orgasm and “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another. So much emphasis is placed on these two factors in the tabloids and in books and movies, but the research has shown that they are barely contributing factors. The good news in all of this is that the most important components of great sex are things we can work to CREATE. We can work as couples to be present in the sexual experience, we can work to become more aligned, we can work to improve our communication and listening skills, we can work on being authentic and being ourselves. We don’t have to wish for better sexual chemistry or hope for an intense orgasm to have a great and bonding sexual experience.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
Not currently sexually active? Consider choosing a component that you can practice NOW either on your own, or in one of your relationships, such as being present, strengthening communication, or empathy.
Johnson, S. & Zuccarini, D. (2010). Integrating sex and attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36(4), 431-445.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, D. A., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009) The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Therapists say that communication is the number one reason that couples come to therapy. Luckily, good communication can be learned. It may take practice, but here are some tips to get you started:
1. Active listening
WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. Do not just sit there thinking of what you are going to say in response to what your partner is saying. The greatest thing is that this is such an amazing skill for all of the relationships in your life. If someone is telling you about how they got in a fight with their mom, you should be listening to how they feel, not just half-paying attention, half-solving the problem in your mind and inserting your unwanted opinion. This is key: if a person does not ask you for advice or a solution, DO NOT GIVE IT. Men especially like to be problem solvers, but a lot of the time, women just want to talk about their feelings.
2. Use facts, not opinions (and know the difference)
If you are in a conflict, be aware of how you are speaking. Relationship experts Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller have created a fun visualization to help you do this in their “Couple Communication Awareness Wheel”. In their program, “Couple Communications” (2018), you are encouraged to separate between what is feeling, what is thought, what is a want, what is action, and what came through sensory data. These are all very, very different things. Just because you take something as fact in your story does not mean that it is fact, or that your loved one will perceive it in the same way.
Awareness Wheel created by Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller for their program, Couple Communications (2018).
3. Ask
This goes along well with active listening and really boils down to showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Express that interest throughout your conversation. Don’t interrupt when you shouldn’t be, but when it makes sense, ask for their perspective or for clarification. Take turns sharing points of view. There are many different ways to listen, but making sure that you are engaging in the conversation by showing genuine interest will help you master communication.
4. Reinforce and agree
Focus on what you agree on. The act of engaging in a difficult conversation alone is a pretty good sign that you want the relationship to succeed. That’s your first common ground. Let your partner know when you support what they are saying. Paraphrase what they are telling you so that you can make sure you’re on the same page. Reinforce their feelings – because they are as valid as yours are.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
5. Intimacy
I’m not just talking about sex, people. There are so many different types of intimacy. Yes, sexual intimacy is one, but there is also physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy. Each is important in its own way, and each is important to build a healthy relationship. Intimacy, in its simplest form, is trust. If you are able to trust your significant other with your emotions, your experiences, and your spirit, things will be okay. Working on building this trust in small ways over time will pay off in a big way as these conversations come about.
Finally, knowing the personality and communication style differences between you and a loved one can help you better be aware of the best means of communication. Being able to reach out to someone in the way that is best for them can help create a relationship of trust that good communication can only build upon.
Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.
Friston, K. J., Sajid, N., Quiroga-Martinez, D. R., Parr, T., Price, C. J., & Holmes, E. (2021). Active listening. Hearing Research, 399. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.heares.2020.107998
Meyer, J. C. (2014). Communication, relationships, and the choices we make. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 172–179. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/1041794X.2014.914420
Miller, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., & Miller, P. (2018). Couple Communication. Retrieved from http://couplecommunication.com/.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Let’s talk about food. The relationship between food trends and family life is rarely discussed but it’s an important topic that affects our lives and relationships daily. Think about it, most of our relationships regularly revolve around sharing a meal together. Whether it’s catching up with a friend, a business negotiation, family traditions, or trying to build a relationship (aka dating), food is usually at the heart of it all. For the purpose of this article, I will solely focus on how food trends affect our families. And in order to understand the food trends and family life of today, we first need to look back on one particular event in our history.
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Current family life and food trends can largely be traced back to two massive societal shifts springing from the industrial revolution. During the dawn of modernization, women took on entirely different roles in society which dramatically changed both daily family life as well as food in the home (Nielsen, Siega-Riz, & Popkin, 2002). As women left the home to join the working class, many of the traditional daily tasks associated with child-rearing and food preparation were abandoned (Guthrie, Lin, & Frazao, 2002). As people began to work longer hours in more rigorous conditions, diets shifted away from traditional starch and grain centered meals to stimulant fueled meals on the go, with coffee, tea, and sugar taking center stage. These events in our history fundamentally altered the construct of family life and food and continue to impact modern society and our lives as individuals every single day.
Food Trends
Current food trends are deeply rooted in the societal shifts arising from the industrial revolution. Where, what, and how we are eating today is very different from our ancestors of yesteryear and the traditional paradigm of gathering around the family table for mealtime no longer exists as the societal norm. Research shows that we are increasingly consuming more food outside of the home (Guthrie, Lin, & Frazao, 2002; Nielsen, Siega-Riz, & Popkin, 2002) and while many of us still eat at home, what we are eating continues to trend toward the ‘center stimulant diet’ of high calorie, low prep foods (Poti, & Popkin, 2011). One of the biggest obstacles families face is the feeling that we don’t have the time to prepare nutritious meals. Life can get busy! The number of activities that we ourselves and our families are involved in continues to mount and “eat up” the time previously dedicated to preparing and sharing a meal together (Asp, 1999; Larson, Perry, Story, & Neumark-Sztainer, 2006). Because of this dilemma, we tend to buy convenience foods that are pre-processed and ready to eat with a zap in the microwave (Capps, Tedford, & Havlicek, 1985) or a phone call to the nearest food delivery service. The convenience of pre-packed and prepared foods fits well into our busy ‘on the go’ lifestyles but research shows that we’re eating less of that pre-processed food together as families as well. Instead, we often take it to go and eat it in bite-size portions alone over the course of a day, substituting social meals for solitary grazing (Hamermesh, 2010) and snacking (Piernas, & Popkin, 2009).
Photo by Marcel Heil on Unsplash
Effects on the Family
So where does all this food nonsense leave us? Unfortunately, it can leave us with full bellies and empty relationships. Obesity, diabetes, heart disease and other food-related illnesses are on the rise keeping pace with loneliness, estranged families and general feelings of anxiety. Why? Because we are neglecting two of our most basic needs as human beings- connection and nourishment.The point is, FOOD MATTERS. Food matters because family matters. There is an interconnected, cyclical relationship between food and family that have lasting consequences and the great news is we get to decide whether they’re detrimental or beneficial. Families who eat together regularly reap the benefits of greater resilience and more satisfying familial relationships. Families who eat together well by investing time into preparing meals together will benefit not only socially but also physically with decreased exposure to many food-related health risks that are so prevalent today.
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If you’re like me, this research can feel overwhelming as I reflect on the many ways I can improve my mealtime habits. Remember, perfection is not the goal! Experts have reminded us, “It doesn’t have to look like a Norman Rockwell painting.” Not every meal will be especially nutritious, prepared by you or shared with someone and that’s okay. As we commit to doing better and making the necessary changes to get there, the benefits of connection and nourishment will be ours. Start by creating a specific goal to have more impactful mealtimes both socially and nutritionally. My goal is to prepare my family’s snacks ahead of time so when we’re out running errands and low on fuel, we can re-fuel on something nutritious. How about you?
Option 1: Review your meals for the last week. Write downwhat you ate and who you ate with.
Option 2: Plan and prepare a nutritious meal and share it with someone you love.
Option 3: If you’re anticipating a long day, plan ahead and prepare your own healthy meals and snacks that can fuel you throughout your day.
References
Asp, E. H. (1999). Factors affecting food decisions made by individual consumers. Food Policy, 24(2-3), 287–294. doi: 10.1016/s0306-9192(99)00024-x
Capps, O., Tedford, J. R., & Havlicek, J. (1985). Household Demand for Convenience and Nonconvenience Foods. American Journal of Agricultural Economics, 67(4), 862–869. doi: 10.2307/1241827
Guthrie, J. F., Lin, B.-H., & Frazao, E. (2002). Role of Food Prepared Away from Home in the American Diet, 1977-78 versus 1994-96: Changes and Consequences. Journal of Nutrition Education and Behavior, 34(3), 140–150. doi: 10.1016/s1499-4046(06)60083-3
Hamermesh, D. S. (2010). Incentives, time use and BMI: The roles of eating, grazing and goods. Economics & Human Biology, 8(1), 2–15. doi: 10.1016/j.ehb.2009.12.003
Larson, N. I., Perry, C. L., Story, M., & Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2006). Food Preparation by Young Adults Is Associated with Better Diet Quality. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 106(12), 2001–2007. doi: 10.1016/j.jada.2006.09.008
Nielsen, S. J., Siega-Riz, A. M., & Popkin, B. M. (2002). Trends in Energy Intake in U.S. between 1977 and 1996: Similar Shifts Seen across Age Groups. Obesity Research, 10(5), 370–378. doi: 10.1038/oby.2002.51
Piernas, C., & Popkin, B. M. (2009). Snacking Increased among U.S. Adults between 1977 and 2006. The Journal of Nutrition, 140(2), 325–332. doi: 10.3945/jn.109.112763
Poti, J. M., & Popkin, B. M. (2011). Trends in Energy Intake among US Children by Eating Location and Food Source, 1977-2006. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 111(8), 1156–1164. doi: 10.1016/j.jada.2011.05.007
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Though Valentine’s Day is a day to share and express love to significant others, it also carries the obligation for romance and gift-giving which can be stressful, particularly to men (Otnes, et al., 1994). Gift-giving is symbolic. Gifts are representations of the emotions and meanings we attach to our relationships and the people we share them with (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011). The awareness of this symbolism (even if subconscious) combined with the obligation surrounding Valentine’s Day, can increase the pressure.
Why the anxiety?
Questions of whether gifts are sufficient, significant and meaningful enough actually call into question our sense of identity. Believe it or not, when we give gifts, we are outwardly expressing our identities. In fact, studies have shown that people buy gifts that are congruent with their identity, and when they buy gifts contrary to that representation, even mildly (like a gift on someone’s registry), they experience anxiety and question their sense of identity security. This is why we experience stress around gift-giving (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011).
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Naturally, the gift-receiver experiences anxiety when a gift from someone doesn’t match their identity. Receivers of gifts are expected to be polite and accepting. Gifts are generally a representation of what someone thinks of us. When we receive a gift that is an identity mismatch, we question why the giver gave us that particular gift, usually subconsciously (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011, Ruffle, 1999). Receiving gifts is emotional: while surprise and joy are examples of the ideal, pride, embarrassment or disappointment are also emotions receivers may have to navigate (Ruffle, 1999).
But gifts are still important, so…
Having said all of this, gifts are also a lot of fun and can be incredibly meaningful. Gifts are a manifestation of intimacy, and receiving gifts that depict that furthers a sense of connection and intimacy with partners (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011 & Otnes, et al., 1994). Here are a few simple ways to lessen the pressure around Valentine’s Day gifts.
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1. Simple is often better. Don’t worry about making things extravagant. The thought behind a gift is often more important than the gift itself.
2. Stick to a budget but balance that with sacrifice. People report that gifts a person sacrificed for (not in money necessarily but through time or in the form of service) can be particularly meaningful (Otnes, et al., 1994, Ruffle, 1999). It’s okay to be low-cost, but don’t be cheap. I don’t just mean cheap in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of time and thought. It’s always obvious when someone didn’t put thought into what is supposed to be a meaningful gift.
3. Valentine’s Day is the day to be sentimental and representational, so think about favorite memories or qualities you love about your significant other. Symbols of your relationship are particularly meaningful, dare I even say romantic. Like I said, these things can be simple. If my husband bought me a sleeve of Maria’s cookies and a 2 liter of grape soda and took me to a park to look at the stars or watch fireworks, that wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would be very special to me.
4. Include self-gifts in your plans (Otnes, 1994). This doesn’t mean be selfish. Planning activities and food you both enjoy can take the pressure off of activities. This principle, not just romance, is part of why couples enjoy sex as a common part of Valentine’s Day festivities (Otnes et al., 1994).
5. If you know that Valentine’s Day or gift-giving creates stress for your partner, give them ideas. Be specific about what you do and don’t want.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy connecting!
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
References
Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509–527. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x
Otnes, C., Ruth J.A., & Milbourne, C.C. (1994). “The Pleasure and Pain of Being Close: Men’s Mixed Feelings About Participation in Valentine’s Day Gift Exchange”, in NA – Advances in Consumer Research Volume 21, eds. Chris T. Allen and Deborah Roedder John, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 159-164.
Ruffle, B. J. (1999). Gift giving with emotions. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 39(4), 399–420. https://doi-10.1016/s0167-2681(99)00048-7
Ward, M. K., & Broniarczyk, S. M. (2011). It’s Not Me, It’s You: How Gift Giving Creates Giver Identity Threat as a Function of Social Closeness. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(1), 164–181. https://doi-10.1086/658166
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This Week:
