Losing a loved one can make you yourself feel lost. Experiencing such a profound loss not only impacts us emotionally but physically as well (Casarett, Kutner, & Abrahm, 2001). The response to losing a loved one is what we know as grief.
Grief is of course not limited to the death of a loved one. Any loss can cause grief, such as:
Divorce or relationship breakup
Loss of health
Losing a job
Loss of financial stability
A miscarriage
Death of a pet
A loved one’s serious illness
Loss of a friendship
You need never feel ashamed of how you react to loss. Fortunately, there are healthy ways to cope with the feelings that come with grief.
Photo by Toimetaja Tolkeburoo on Unsplash
Turn to friends or family members.
Something that I’ve learned in my own grief journey is how important it is for me to talk about my loved ones that I’ve lost. I don’t want people to be afraid to bring them up. It’s helpful to hear memories of the one(s) you’ve lost. Confiding in and discussing with friends and family who knew your loved one can help you remember the positives, and honor their legacy. Furthermore, telling the story of your loved one in a variety of ways can help you to cope with the loss, and find healing and meaning as you work to make sense of the loss and ensuing grief (Bosticco, & Thompson, 2005).
Find comfort in your faith.
Faith can keep you grounded when life feels chaotic and out of your control. Additionally, having some belief about what happens to us after we die can provide comfort and hope when we experience a deep loss. Research shows that “People who profess stronger spiritual beliefs seem to resolve their grief more rapidly and completely after the death of a close person than do people with no spiritual beliefs” (Walsh, King, Jones, Tookman, & Blizard, 2002). This is not to say that if you do not have spiritual beliefs that you need to find some during bereavement. Rather, if you had spiritual beliefs prior to your loss, it’s helpful to lean onto your faith during the grieving period.
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Talk to a therapist or grief counselor.
Mental health professionals receive thousands of hours of schooling and hands-on training to help people cope with the fear, guilt, anxiety, and other difficult feelings that come with loss. Grief counseling, in particular, has been shown to be just as effective as other forms of counseling and psychotherapy (Larson, & Hoyt, 2007), and you may find that a therapist who has been specifically trained in dealing with grief is the best equipped to help you work through yours. Because everyone’s grief journey is different, it’s best to consider your options and see what works for you. Be patient with yourself and others as you find your own path to healing. Maybe therapy isn’t the best way for you to cope and feel. Maybe you need to be alone, maybe you need to be with friends. Surviving grief can be a trial-and-error process, and it may take time to find what works for you.
Thoughts on Time
Here’s the bad news: time does not heal all wounds. At least not completely. Time merely provides the means by which you become used to your new life. Maybe your boyfriend of two weeks dumped you or maybe your sister died. Maybe you gave a child up for adoption or maybe you dropped an ice cream cone. More often than not, time will not erase your feelings of loss and emptiness. It just gets you used to living with those things and finding a way to endure despite them. It helps you get out of bed every day, even when you’re in pain. It helps you put a bandaid on your soul, but the scar is still there. It helps you find your new “normal.”
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The good news? Time can still be your friend. Time can help you hear a song your sister used to blast in the car and not have a complete and total mental breakdown. Time can help you to not have to take the day off of work when her death anniversary rolls around. Time can help you to smile when an old truck drives by, reminding you of the one your dad taught you how to drive. Don’t get me wrong: the pain is still there. It always will be. Slowly but surely, however, you’ll get used to your new normal. You may have lost something, but you’re still here.
For those already struggling with their mental health, facing grief on top of that can seem unbearable. Time is not going to solve your problems. Good people, finding hope in a Higher Power, therapy, and laughter will help you get closer to healing. You are here on this earth. Learn, grow, and love. Your heart will always have something missing, but your life can still be full.
If you are currently dealing with loss, reach out to a loved one who can remember with you.
Not currently dealing with loss yourself? Reach out to someone who is, and share your love! We all need each other.
References
Bosticco, C., & Thompson, T. L. (2005). Narratives and Story Telling in Coping with Grief and Bereavement. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying,51(1), 1-16. https://doi.org/10.2190/8tnx-leby-5ejy-b0h6
Casarett, D., Kutner, J. S., & Abrahm, J. (2001). Life after death: a practical approach to grief and bereavement. Annals of internal medicine, 134(3), 208-215.
Larson, D. G., & Hoyt, W. T. (2007). What has become of grief counseling? An evaluation of the empirical foundations of the new pessimism. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 38(4), 347–355. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.38.4.347
Smith, M., & Robinson, L. (2019, November). Coping with Grief and Loss. Retrieved May 9, 2020, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
Walsh, K., King, M., Jones, L., Tookman, A., & Blizard, R. (2002). Spiritual beliefs may affect outcome of bereavement: prospective study. BMJ (Clinical research ed.), 324(7353), 1551. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.324.7353.1551
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Mental illness is no easy feat. It’s a long battle but it’s so worth it because you and your mental health are worth it. I write this from a place of someone who has her own struggles with mental illness and who loves many people who are struggling with a wide variety of mental illnesses. When I started my mental health journey, I felt so alone and didn’t know where to start. I had friends and family support but I still felt so alone. So today I’m writing to you to tell you 10 things I wish I would have known when I started my own mental health journey.
1. There is always hope.
It’s so easy to fall into feeling hopeless especially in the thick of depression or in the worst days of anxiety when it never seems to ease. It’s easy to want to run and hide and stay in bed for days on end because facing the world seems like a monstrous task. And some days, moving from the bed to the couch is better than nothing at all. It’s okay to feel lost and unsure. One thing that I did to help me have hope was to follow accounts on social media that were uplifting to me including therapists and organizations that focused on health. Some of my favorites include To Write Love On Her Arms, Brene Brown, therapist Tiffany Roe, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Photo by Raphael Renter on Unsplash
2. Get educated.
Educate yourself about mental illness especially the one(s) that you may have or have been diagnosed with (Understanding your Diagnosis, 2020). Education is one of the best things you can do to better understand yourself and what you are experiencing. Research can also help you know what may be the most effective treatment for your specific mental illness. As you research, remember that each of us is unique, and someone else’s mental illness (even someone with the same diagnosis) may look a little different than your own.
3. Seek support.
Seek out support from friends and family (Social Support: Getting and Staying Connected, 2020). One of the things that I quickly learned after receiving a soft diagnosis, was that I needed a social support system. The person that stayed at the forefront for me was my mom. She went with me to countless therapy appointments and would lend a listening ear when I was having a bad day or just needed to talk. I also grew to have many other friends whom I knew that I could count on and whom I could reach out to when I needed someone to listen to. Having social support gives you a safe place that you can turn to when you are struggling.
There are so many different kinds of therapy and so many different practitioners that it can be an overwhelming task to find a therapist. There are a couple of places you can start. First, ask around; see if there’s anyone that your friends or family may recommend. Word of mouth can be one of the best ways because many people go to therapy for a wide variety of reasons. Another way to find a therapist is by visiting https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. On this website, you can type in your zip code and specifics including insurance, preferences, etc., to locate therapists in your area. It’s also another great place to start, especially if you live somewhere where you don’t know the area or what’s available. For more help on choosing a therapist, check out this article here. Also, remember that it’s okay to shop around for therapists! I wish I would have known this so I could have explored all my options and found someone who did more of what I needed.
Photo from pexels.com
5. Let’s talk medicine.
Some people will need medication as part of their treatment plan to help them manage their mental illness and that is okay (Mental Health Medications, 2016). There is NO SHAME in using medication to help. Some mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and medications are used to help balance out these chemicals. Throughout the course of treatment, you may have times when you don’t need meds, or you may need them throughout its entirety. Your therapist will often refer you to a psychiatrist who will help you figure out the best options for you, or family practice doctors can help with this as well.
6. Stick to your treatment plan.
It seems weird to say this, but it’s necessary. If that means therapy once a week for you and taking meds daily, stick to it. The more consistent you are, the better off you’ll be. No two people’s treatment plans are the same and so it’s important that you stick with the one that is best for you. Also, don’t be afraid to speak up if it doesn’t seem to be working for you. Part of figuring out a treatment plan is adjusting and trying new things to help you.
7. Get enough sleep.
I can’t say this enough. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Getting enough sleep is vital to your mental health (Harvard Health Publishing, 2018). Lots of mental illnesses come with a side effect of either having a hard time falling asleep, insomnia, waking disturbances while sleeping, or just wanting to sleep all day, but getting the right amount is important. I found for myself personally that on the days I didn’t get enough sleep, my anxiety was 10,000 times worse. As you go through your journey you’ll learn how much sleep you need and how much is not enough or too much. Be aware that your needs may fluctuate from time to time.
Photo from pexels.com
8. Take care of your body.
I feel like a total hypocrite even writing about this to y’all because it’s one of the things I struggle with the most. Do the best that you can to take care of your physical body (Tartakovsky, 2018). Get moving whether it is having a living room dance party, going for a walk, or playing an active video game – just do something to move your body. Some days it may not happen and that’s okay. Also, do your best to eat food that fuels your body. I’m a big fan of intuitive eating, and for every person that will look different. Check out this article for more info on that subject.
9. Suicidality.
This is definitely one of the things that I wish I had been told about when I began my mental health journey. While you are learning how to deal with your mental health, you may have times when you experience suicidal thoughts or ideation. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but you may experience it. Please please please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal. I myself have been in that place – it’s dark, and it’s awful, and reaching out was the best thing I did. Reach out to your support system, call your therapist, do whatever it takes. If you don’t have those things you can call 1-800-273-8255 or you can chat online with someone at suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is also a specific suicide hotline for the LGBTQ+ community through the Trevor Project that you can call at 1-866-488-7386. Please stay with us. You are needed and you are loved.
10. Self-care.
This is something that I didn’t really learn how to do until later on in my mental health journey because at first, I felt like I was in survival mode. Do something to take care of yourself every day whether it’s taking a bubble bath, reading, meditating, just do something to help you take care of yourself. If you want to learn more about self-care check out these articles here, here, and here.
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I hope that something in this letter sticks with you as you go through your mental health journey whether you are in the middle or just beginning. There is no shame in struggling and there is no shame in reaching out for help. You are needed. You are loved. You are worth it.
Love,
A girl who’s been there and is still there.
#endthestigma by sharing your journey with mental illness or share this letter on your social media. You never know who may need it.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash
But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
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For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.
How to Better Handle the Lows
The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.
Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care
In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash
According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace.
Physical Care
I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
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Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
Photo from piqsels.com
Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five U.S. adults will experience the effects of a mental illness in a given year (2020). That means, whether or not you are currently living with a mental illness, you most likely know someone who is! Speaking from experience, mental illness can feel lonely, isolating, and hopeless at times, so the more we can learn and rally together to support those who live with these conditions, the less alone we will all feel (remember, connection goes both ways!).
Here are five ways that you can support someone you love who is living with a mental illness:
1. Believe/validate them
Unless you have lived through it yourself, it can be difficult to understand what it’s like dealing with a mental illness. However, this does not mean that you cannot 1) believe that what someone is experiencing is very real and difficult for them, 2) have empathy for someone who is struggling. Being told, “it’s all in your head”, “can’t you just get over it?”, or “just try to look on the bright side”, is incredibly frustrating and disheartening, and can discourage someone from getting the help that they need in a very real way. As a skill, empathy requires us to feel with someone and to put ourselves in their shoes, even if we ourselves have not experienced what they have. And even though you may not have a diagnosable mental illness, chances are you have experienced a time when your mental health was not exactly where you would like it to be. When someone you love is struggling with their mental health, seek to have empathy, and let them know that you believe what they are experiencing, even if you don’t understand it perfectly.
2. Do not define them by their mental illness
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 20. A diagnosis was helpful for me because it gave me a name for what I had been experiencing my whole life. It increased my vocabulary for sharing with others what I was feeling, and helped me to receive the treatment and help that I needed to thrive with my particular illness. Research has shown, however, that diagnoses aren’t always particularly helpful for individuals, or for those who know/ work with/ or are even treating them. One research study found that labels such as “borderline personality disorder” or “schizophrenia” are particularly problematic because they can cause clinicians to develop assumptions about a patient that may or may not actually be true (Lam, Salkovskis, & Hogg, 2015).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
While it is critical to look at diagnoses as windows into what someone may be experiencing rather than as an instruction manual that works the same for each diagnosed individual, I have found that general labels such as “broken”, or “damaged” are even more harmful than incorrect assumptions based on a diagnosis. Labels such as these can make the person dealing with the mental illness feel less-than, worthless, and beyond hope. As someone who deals with mental illness every day, I have always preferred to tell others that I am living with a mental illness rather than suffering from one. While mental illness can and does have a large impact on many aspects of an individual’s life, having one does not mean that it defines every moment of every day, much less who someone is as a person. Regardless of a diagnosis, you can learn to truly LIVE with a mental illness. Your life can be just as fulfilling, meaningful, and full of joy and connection as those who do not deal with this particular struggle. Unfairly labeling others or yourself in a way that limits your potential is not helpful, and is not something that we should practice in any capacity.
3. Ask open-ended questions
For centuries, fear and stigma have surrounded the topic of mental illness, and we are still living with the effects of this today. Many people worry that talking about someone’s mental illness is uncomfortable, taboo, shameful, or even that it may aggravate the issue (which research has shown is not actually the case) (Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely, & Fear, 2014). Different individuals will certainly have different preferences about how they like to discuss their own mental illness, but you can usually key in on many of these preferences just by getting to know them and observing how they talk about it in their everyday life. If you are unsure, the BEST way to learn about how you can support your loved one is by asking them how they would like to be supported!
When I first met my husband, Mark, I had just come home 14 months early from a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints due to severe anxiety and depression. I was on medication, in the middle of therapy, and still working on recovering from the experience. But one of the things that impressed me the most about Mark was that he was not afraid to ask thoughtful and respectful questions in order to better understand what I was going through! He asked things like, “How does that feel?”, “What do you like about therapy?”, and “What helps you feel most safe?” He would then listen carefully and respond in ways that were empathetic, understanding, and encouraging.
Photo by Kenan Buhic on Unsplash
Asking respectful, thoughtful, and kind open-ended questions is an excellent way to better understand your loved one dealing with a mental illness, and the more we talk about it, the more permission we give to others to talk about it.
4. Encourage them to ask for help
Personally, I believe that EVERYONE should seek out professional help for their mental health. Life is hard, and we all have struggles that could benefit from unbiased outside help! Many people do not share in this belief, however, since there is still a lot of societal and cultural stigma surrounding therapy, medication, and other forms of mental health treatment. One way that we can support our loved ones with mental illness is to normalize asking for help, both from professionals and from trustworthy friends and family members. Let your loved one know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness, and consider spending time researching with them local resources that can help them when they are struggling. If someone is suicidal or going to harm themself, don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1 and get immediate help.
5. Know your limits
It is NOT your job to solve your loved one’s mental health struggles. Setting healthy boundaries and limits for how you can help someone you love is an important way for you to stay healthy, and for them to be able to actually get the help they need. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t answer a phone call at 1 a.m. or rush over to hold a friend in the middle of a panic attack. Beating yourself up or holding yourself to unrealistic expectations is not good for YOUR mental health, and is not helpful for you or your loved one. Do what you can, seek to connect them with resources that CAN be there for them in those moments, and respect your own limits.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
In any situation where we are trying to support those we love and strengthen our connections with them, it’s important to remember that people usually just want to feel loved, heard, and understood. It’s the same with our loved ones who live with mental illness. The more we talk about mental health, the more we give each other permission to struggle, to ask for help, and to thrive even when the odds may seem against us.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Option 1: Share about a personal mental health struggle on social media to let others know that they are not alone, and to fight the stigma against mental illness.
Option 2: Share a message of hope on social media for those who may be struggling with mental illness.
References
Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S., & Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. doi: 10.1017/s0033291714001299
Lam, D. C. K., Salkovskis, P. M., & Hogg, L. I. (2015). ‘Judging a book by its cover’: An experimental study of the negative impact of a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder on clinicians’ judgements of uncomplicated panic disorder. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(3), 253–268. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12093
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.”
– Anthon St. Maarten
Heartfulness is more than mindfulness. It’s embracing our imagination and feelings, and is meant to awaken in us that which was sleeping. A study revealed, “the magnetic field produced by the heart is 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected and measured several feet away from the body, in all directions (Watkins, 2014). Essentially, the ability to feel has more influence on life than anything else. This time of pandemic and collective grief may be our chance to understand ourselves and live more fully. Allow me to share some research, and thoughts on why a more heartful way of living is essential to make it through 2020.
The Elements
At some point in history, it was decided that removing emotion from decision making, and intellectual pursuits was the right thing to do. I recognize the successes that come with objectivity, but also think we’ve done ourselves a disservice by valuing logic too highly. Placing reason above connection will be more detrimental than beneficial, and scientific research validates this presumption.
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When emotion is measured, it appears faster and more apparent than our cognitions. The brain is there to make sense of our feelings, but it also stores conflicting information. The more data in our mind, the longer it takes to process emotion. Our intuition, however, is faster than our mind. Research shows that making decisions based on our gut improves cognitive functioning and produces more satisfying results for people (Yip et. Al, 2020). Perhaps it’s most apparent with big decisions like, “Who will I marry?”, “How will I vote?”, “How will I raise my children?”, “What career will I pursue?” etc. When we act solely on logic we often betray ourselves, and experience regret down the road. Ever found yourself in a job you hate, but chose because it makes good money? Or, stayed in a relationship because “they’re perfect”, but you’re not happy? We need our emotions to guide us, not only to what makes sense, but to what we really want. There’s enough evidence to prove any and everything. But, only one heart knows what’s best for you.
The Experience
Our conditioning has inhibited our heartfulness. Most of us have received messages like “you’re too much, don’t be angry, don’t cry, it’s not that big of a deal” etc. The truth is, not being free to feel our feelings completely is what’s created a pandemic of emptiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves and our relationships. Empathy is an important factor in thriving relationships. Essentially, it’s in our biology to give and receive empathy (Wearne, 2020). Our lifetime of resisting feelings deliberately contradicts our scientific makeup.
I remember being in kindergarten and sensing that my dad was cheating on my mom. I kept this awareness to myself for many reasons: I had no evidence, it was illogical, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was afraid to be mocked, and a big part of me wanted to be wrong. Years went by and this gut feeling got stronger. When I was eleven, or so, I finally told my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She asked how I knew. I explained that I had no proof, but felt a strong feeling. The following year he confessed his infidelity. My feeling wasn’t crazy, it was prophetic.
Have you ever felt sad when you walked in the house, only to find out your partner had had a rough day? Have you ever felt a random burst of anxiety while your friend was driving, and they tell you they just saw a police car? According to Dr. Watkins, “the electromagnetic field of the heart carries information that can not only be detected in the behaviors of other people in close proximity, but also has measurable, physiological effects on them” (Watkins, 2014). This isn’t just woo woo, feelings stuff. This is scientific. We feel each other’s feelings both unintentionally and intentionally, and we are hardwired to do so.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Embrace
Glennon Doyle tells a story of her daughter’s sensitivity. In school, the kids were taught about the polar bears struggling to survive because of the melting ice caps. Glennon’s daughter preoccupied herself with the polar bears for months and asked, “Who’s going to help them?” and “Where’s the polar bear’s mommy to take care of them?” One night she told Glennon, “It’s the polar bears now but nobody cares…so soon it’s going to be us.” Glennon realized her daughter wasn’t crazy to be heartbroken about the polar bears. The rest of us are crazy not to be heartbroken about the polar bears (Brown, 2020). Angry, devastated people aren’t weird or insane. They just may be the only ones responding appropriately to a damaged world. It’s the shamans, clergy, healers and poets that see what other people can’t, and are willing to feel what other people refuse. They follow their gut. They’ve embraced their heartfulness.
The problem with numbing, masking or resisting emotion is that we stop trusting ourselves. Goethe said, “as soon as you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live.” We all start out hopeful, happy and trusting. Then life challenges us and breaks us down. Rather than leaning into and learning more about our hearts, we often put up walls and armor of protection. It’s time for us to unlearn our doubt and fear. Let’s unpack our way back to ourselves and each other.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, what if we embraced our deep feelings? What if we got back to caring for the collective good? Leaning into emotion may be the most difficult thing you ever do. When we become heartful, we feel more, and the more we feel, the more ups and downs we will experience. We will be confronted with our own light and darkness. You may realize just how permeable you are, and how vulnerable we all are (McConkie, 2017). But it also clears up the way for real connection, and demonstrates how capable of emotions, like love, we can be. It will be painful and beautiful, and totally worth it!
This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.
Watkins, A. R., (2015). Coherence: The secret science of brilliant leadership. KoganPage.
Wearne, T.A., Osborne-Crowley, K., Logan, J.A., Wilson, E., Rushby, J., & McDonald, S. (2020). Understanding how others feel: Evaluating the relationship between empathy and various aspects of emotion recognition following severe traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychology, 34(3), 288-297. https://doi-org.ezporxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/neu0000609
Yip, J.A., Stein, D.H., Cote, S., & Carney, D.R. (2020). Follow your gut? Emotional intelligence moderates the association between physiologically measured somatic markers and risk-taking. Emotion, 20(3), 462-472. http://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10/1037/emo00000561.supp (Supplemental)
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
If you are currently dealing with loss, reach out to a loved one who can remember with you.
