Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant.
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present.
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being.
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013).As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful.
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?
How Do I Slow Down?
Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchorin the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is apractice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart?
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . . calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated.
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact:Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019).
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts.
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship.
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship.
This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.
Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
If you have experienced what is known as “mom guilt”, you are certainly not alone. Moms are notoriously known for being hard on themselves, and it’s no wonder with the seemingly impossible expectations and pressures to perform that flood in from social media, advertising, family, teachers, religious leaders, parenting experts, etc.
Guilt vs. Shame
First, we need to clear something up. Guilt involves feeling bad after making a mistake or poor choice, and it motivates us to work towards change as we try and do better next time. Shame, on the other hand, prevents us from making positive change, since it causes us to label ourselves as bad or a failure.
Guilt says, “I made a mistake. What changes can I make so that I can do better next time?”
Shame says, “I made a mistake. I must be a terrible mother.”
This distinction is important because mom “guilt” is not actually guilt at all, it is SHAME (Sutherland, 2010). Making mistakes and experiencing guilt is actually an important part of our development as a mother, as it helps us to reassess, make positive changes, and become better moms (Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010)! When we get stuck in shame, on the other hand, we become caught in an unhealthy cycle of self-defeat and comparison, and our progress and growth as a mother become majorly hindered.
So how do we avoid getting stuck in this cycle of shame?
Where does mom guilt come from?
First, let’s start by discussing where mom guilt (ehem *SHAME*) comes from, and why it’s so easy to subscribe to. Mom guilt is all about EXPECTATIONS – what we and others expect our mothering to look like, and whether or not we feel like we live up to those expectations (Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2012; Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010). These expectations or standards can be ones that we consciously choose to hold ourselves to, or they could be ones that influence us more unconsciously from the messaging that we are constantly receiving through the media or other channels.
Here are just a few of the areas you may feel pressure in as a mother:
Type of birth to have: Natural vs. Epidural, what kind of doctor to use, at-home birth vs. hospital birth
Breastfeeding: To breastfeed, or not to breastfeed? How long? Pumping or formula?
Sleeping: Should I co-sleep? When should my baby be sleeping through the night? Should I sleep train?
Whether or not to work outside the home: When to go back to work, daycare and babysitter options, how being away affects my child
Productivity: How can I still be “productive” during the day while I am trying to take care of my baby?
Social media: Privacy for my baby, pressure to maintain some sort of image, feeling like I have to be a “Pinterest” mom
Play: How much should I play with my baby? Free play vs. structured play, what kind of toys should I provide for my baby?
Schooling: When to start, homeschool/public school/private school, at-home learning
Disciplining: What it should/shouldn’t look like
Having more kids: How can I divide my time and give each child enough attention?
Etc. etc. etc…
We are constantly being bombarded by expectations that are oftentimes unrealistic and even conflicting (ie. “care for yourself, but also sacrifice everything for your children”), and that can cause some major shame and even cognitive dissonance when we feel like we aren’t living up to what is expected of us.
When many of these expectations are unconscious, it may seem impossible to break ourselves out of the cycle of shame due to unrealistic and unmet expectations. But there is hope! There are several things we can do to help ourselves move away from these impossible standards that create mom guilt in our hearts and minds.
1. Let Go of “Shoulds”
Do you ever say to yourself, “I really should be doing x, y, or z…”, “I should be doing _____ this way!”, “I shouldn’t ______,” or another phrase that contains some form of the word should? This word is a red flag that can alert us to unconscious expectations that may be affecting us in unhelpful ways! When you find yourself thinking “I should,” or “I shouldn’t,” ask yourself, “SAYS WHO?” Identify where that expectation is coming from. More often than not, it will not be coming from you, but from an outside source that is not familiar with your personal needs, or the needs of your children and family. When that is the case, let go of that should, and focus instead on what you want, need, and CHOOSE. This will allow you to act more intentionally in ways that align with your core values, your desires and goals for your family, and who you want to become as an individual and a mother. The more your actions line up with what you want rather than what you think others expect of you, the more you will learn how to trust yourself, and the further you will move from shame as a motivator.
Being a recovering perfectionist myself, I thrive off of feedback and validation from others. But when I became a mom, I didn’t have anyone sitting next to me telling me what a good (or bad) job I was doing. What I DID have was a mental “measuring stick” made up of all of the things that I thought made someone a good mom (this was really just my way of framing the expectations that I had for myself). When I didn’t feel like I was measuring up, which was often, it sent me into a whirlwind of shame and anxiety. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “There are hundreds of different ways to make bread,” (this was a metaphor for my negative black-and-white thought pattern, not actual baking advice) that I realized that maybe there was more than one way to be a good mom, and maybe that would look different for me than it did for others. Maybe I could even CREATE my own “good mom measuring stick” and decide what worked best for me and my little one!
If you find yourself constantly struggling with feeling like you are falling short as a mother, take a look at how you are measuring your success.
Here are two questions that I ask myself at the end of the day when I want to check in:
Are my kids alive and relatively well?
How did I connect with my kids today?
As you create your own version of what it means to be a good mother, my advice would be to keep it simple, to focus on what you can control (which is most likely your own thoughts and actions, NOT those of your child), and to focus on your overall relationship with your kids. As Dr. Julie Hanks has said, “Kids aren’t a product, they’re a relationship.” (Hanks, 2016)
No matter how much pressure we feel, it is critical to remember that in reality, there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother. EVERY mom makes mistakes. However, just because you are not a perfect mom, does not mean that you can’t be the best mom for your children. I personally believe that my children came to me for a reason. They chose me because I was the mom they needed. I am far from perfect, but as I learn what being a mother means to me, and allow my mistakes to shape and mold me as a mom, the more confident I become that I can give my children what they need.
Any time you feel like you are falling short, remind yourself that research has shown that children learn better how to deal with failure, own up to and take responsibility for their mistakes, and regulate their emotions when they see how we deal with our own mistakes and shortcomings (Nelson, 2018). Do not be afraid to be imperfect in front of your children. Talk with them about your failures, and admit your mistakes. Do so confidently knowing that your imperfections are a blessing to your children far more than they are a curse.
4. “Mom” is not your only role
Finally,remember that you are not just “mom”. You are a multi-faceted human being with hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and passions that are not only connected to your role as a mother! Be sure to take the time to nurture ALL of the parts of yourself, and don’t feel like you have to give up who you are as an individual to be a good mom. Learning to define yourself by all the facets of you, and not just by your role as a mother will help you to feel more whole, and will carry you through the moments where you feel that you are learning and growing as a mom in less-than-perfect ways.
Take a look at your current “good mom measuring stick”. Where are your expectations coming from? Are they realistic? Are they positively motivating you to become the mom you want to be, or are they causing unneeded stress and shame?
References
Brown, B. (2018). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “what will people think?” to “I am enough”. Vancouver, B.C.: Langara College.
Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2012). Maternal Guilt and Shame: The Role of Self-discrepancy and Fear of Negative Evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies,22(8), 1112-1119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2
Rotkirch, A., & Janhunen, K. (2010). Maternal Guilt. Evolutionary Psychology,8(1), 147470491000800. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491000800108
Sutherland, J. (2010). Mothering, Guilt and Shame. Sociology Compass,4(5), 310-321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
I don’t know if I should be writing this. Even as I type these words out into the page, I don’t know if I should be writing them.
To me, there is something fundamentally wrong about celebrating Pride when black lives are under attack in our nation. To say how proud I am to be queer or talk about the impact of the Stonewall Riots in 1969 feels like a mockery and a betrayal both to my community and communities of color. The fight for Pride was started by transgender women of color protesting police brutality. How can I be proud when they are still murdered for the exact same thing, in the exact same way?
That being said, when I was asked to write this piece, I felt it was a place where some good could happen. In these times of pain and struggle, knowing how you can become a better ally is crucial. Principles of ally-ship are the same across causes, and although I desperately pray that my writing this isn’t taking up space needed for someone else’s voice, I do feel like I have learned a few things about being an ally. I have both been an ally and worked with allies; when you aren’t sure what to do, let me give you a good place to start.
Learn to Listen as an Ally
Listening as an ally is fundamentally different than having a conversation with a friend. When you are talking with a friend as a friend, there is a give and take. They say something, you say something back, and so on and so forth. Both of your opinions hold equal weight, even if you don’t agree.
This is not the case when you are an ally. Your job is to listen and understand where the community is coming from. You don’t get to have an opinion, because you have not experienced what the community has. You may have experienced similar things, you may think you share the same feelings, but your job is to hold space and respect for their feelings.
Speak Out, Not Over
The job of an ally is to amplify voices, not to speak over them. Allies have the privilege to speak out when it may be dangerous for minorities, and that is an excellent time for you to use your voice and activism. But when minorities do feel comfortable speaking about their experiences, your job is to make sure they can be heard not add your own commentary, spin, or perception to the situation.
This can even come to play in social media. When you retweet a thread from an activist, do you leave its be, or do you add your own “I Agree!” comment, so that likes show up on your page instead of the original poster? Consider the impact of the space you are taking up.
Perhaps the most powerful physical example of this can be seen in the protests going on right now. White allies, knowing that their bodies will not be abused in the same way that black bodies are, have acted as a physical shield between black protestors and police officers. That way, they are both using their privilege as a way to speak out (by attending the protest and standing in front of police officers), but not speak over those they are supporting (by physically protecting them so they can continue to protest. And live).
Simply put, allies should use their voices to amplify minority voices, not to highlight their own experiences or opinions.
Educate Yourself
Let me make this perfectly clear: it is never the job of minority individuals to educate allies. With the amount of information at our literal fingertips, there is no excuse for not being educated on the issues. The point is that you have to put in the work. You have to be willing to go out and find the materials and then consume them. An hour on google can teach you more about the best sources to learn from than any friend or family member, and you will be saving them the emotionally exhausting work of accommodating you.
Education is also a continual thing. There will always be more to learn about racism, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, and hundreds of others we could add to this list. Similar to listening as an ally, make sure you are learning as an ally – learn to understand more about what you don’t understand, not to defend what you already think to be true.
Be Proactive
I know in this atmosphere, it can be hard to do anything without fearing making a misstep. But having allies constantly ask you for guidance and reassurance is exhausting! It is not the job of the oppressed to guide you in every little step of your ally-ship. If you want to be an ally, you need to step up and make some choices of your own.
This is again where listening is your most crucial skill. It is a great idea to ask your friend “What can I do to help support you?” – it is not a good idea to ask that question every single week. Instead, listen to more than what the individual is saying. Are they going to protests? Great, go with them. Are they volunteering at local organizations? Awesome, find out how you can volunteer. Are they saying they need a safe space to feel things? Figure out how you can be a safe space for them.
You need to be in tune with events in order to do this. Some of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had are when friends reach out to me unprompted, knowing something that happened may have affected me. At the same time, I am not your project. Do not reach out to me to help yourself feel better about what is going on. Find the balance between being able to listen to what needs to get done and how you can act on your own.
Honestly, being an ally is one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever had. It is constant work. It forces me to put myself aside and recognize that although I can make a difference, my voice is not the one that is important. It forces me to be uncomfortable and exhausted.
But remember that as exhausting as being a good ally is, the people you are fighting for have to live this every day. They put their lives and livelihoods on the line simply to exist as they are. Your love will do you good. Put it into ways that will help and not hurt.
Because we can all do better. We all have to do better. We don’t have another choice.
For further reading on how to be a better ally, check out the links below:
Choose one of the articles listed above to read and write down one way that you can be a better ally this week and in the future!
Sarah Morris is a Human Rights Advocate living in New York City. She recently graduated from Columbia University with a Masters of Human Rights Studies, concentrating on LGBTQ rights and Women’s Rights. She currently volunteers as the East Coast Alumni Coordinator for The OUT Foundation, an organization for LGBTQ alumni of Brigham Young University.
Sexual assault is all too common. Every 73 seconds an American is assaulted (RAINN, 2020). Unfortunately, survivors of sexual assault experience numerous negative effects caused by the trauma of their assault. Mentally, survivors commonly experience post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and even suicidal thoughts. Emotionally, a survivor may blame themselves, engage in self-hatred, or dissociation. Physically, a survivor could have contracted STDs, become pregnant, engage in self-harm and substance abuse, and develop eating or sleep disorders (RAINN, 2020). While it is possible to heal and survivors often heal, it is not without substantial suffering. When one member of the community suffers, we all suffer. In order to create healthy communities, we need mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy individuals. Allowing sexual assault to remain a rampant issue prevents the continuing health of individuals, and therefore healthy communities.
The Importance of Education
However common, the efforts to eradicate sexual assault are not without hope. We can prevent sexual assault (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2020). Studies show that where there is sufficient sexual education, there are far fewer sexual assaults (Herman, 2020). Changing sexual education standards ensures every student receives proper education proven to reduce the rates of assault. While formal sexual education is an important contributing factor in state sexual assault rates, informal education is critical and can also make a substantial difference (We Will, 2019). Informal education takes place through families, social media, and everyday conversations.
The focus of sufficient sexual assault prevention education is not on potential victims. Rather than teaching self-defense, safety practices, or other techniques, proper sexual assault prevention education focuses on teaching would-be perpetrators what is wrong. While safety practices for would-be victims are important, addressing the would-be perpetrators attacks the problem of sexual assault at its root (Herman, 2020). Victims and survivors of sexual assault are not the problem with assault, the problem lies only with the perpetrator.
Most sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance or someone else with a relationship to the victim (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.). This is a large reason why teaching safety practices are ineffective measures to completely eradicate sexual assault. This is why we must address what is going wrong in situations with perpetrators known to the victim. Oftentimes in these situations, it is a lack of consent or the use of coercion which leads to a sexual assault (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.).
Crucial Terms
Proper sexual assault prevention education includes teaching consent, coercion, and refusal skills (Herman, 2020). Consent is the enthusiastic permission of both parties to engage in an activity (Project Respect, 2020). Coercion is forcing someone to engage in an activity through threat, force, or intimidation (Coercion, 2020). Refusal skills teach individuals how to say no, and teach others to recognize a no when it is given (Warzak, & Page, 1990).
When we teach consent, we teach that consent cannot be obtained from someone who is asleep, unconscious, or otherwise incapacitated. This helps to prevent an extremely common form of sexual assault (Fifth of sex attack victims ‘asleep or unconscious’, 2015). Just because consent existed in the past does not mean that consent exists in the present situation. This will help to prevent confusion between couples that can lead to sexual assault. We can teach that consent can be withdrawn at any time, which makes it clear to the individual who wants to move forward that they cannot move forward. People will learn that consent is a normal and necessary part of sex and that consent must be obtained in order to engage in an activity (Consent – Let’s Talk About It, 2020). Learning the term coercion teaches would-be perpetrators that threat, force, and intimidation can never produce legitimate consent (University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, 2020). Further, while refusal skills teach would-be victims how to say no and have a plan for if they are put in an uncomfortable situation, * teaching refusal skill also focuses on making sure would-be perpetrators recognize a no (Herman, 2020).
As we teach consent, coercion, and refusal skills not only will individuals realize what actions are wrong and be deterred from taking such actions, but survivors of assault will also more easily recognize when they are assaulted and seek help more effectively and quickly (Herman, 2020). Today, many survivors take a long time to recognize that what happened to them was assault (Ro, 2018). This can lead to engrained feelings of trauma or self-blame (Ro, 2018). Making it clear to survivors what qualifies as sexual assault means that an assault can be more easily recognized, reported, and the harmful effects mitigated. Additionally, parents, teachers, and other authorities will have the same vocabulary as the survivor, so when she or he describes their assault, these authorities can understand them. Standardizing vocabulary puts everyone on an even playing field and clarifies discrepancies that can occur when meanings of these words or concepts are confusing or based on opinion (Herman, 2020).
Through teaching these concepts in our schools, encouraging caretakers to teach these concepts to future generations, talking about sexual assault prevention on social media, and discussing these concepts in everyday conversation, we can and we will prevent sexual assault and help survivors feel supported and loved coming forward (Herman, 2020). Through preventing horrific trauma of sexual assault either through prevention of the assault itself or through proper mitigation, we will create healthier individuals and communities.
*It is important to note that even if a survivor was taught refusal skills or had a plan and was unable or felt uncomfortable using these skills or plan for any number of reasons, it is still not the survivor’s fault.
Why does consent matter for YOU? Write down your answer, and then share with someone you love.
Herman, B. (2020). Sexual Education as a Form of Sexual Assault Prevention: A Survey of Sexual Education Among States with the Highest and Lowest Rates of Rape. [Forthcoming Publication], on file with author.
Warzak, W. J., & Page, T. J. (1990). Teaching refusal skills to sexually active adolescents. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry,21(2), 133-139. https://doi.org/10.1016/0005-7916(90)90018-g
Brittney Herman graduated in April, 2020, with a law degree from Brigham Young University. She primarily studied tax law, but also had the opportunity to study sexual education laws during her years there. Brittney started the non-profit We Will, which is focused on the prevention and mitigation of sexual assault. She herself is a survivor of sexual assault, and uses those trials to fuel her fight for the rights of those who have been through similar experiences. Read more about her and her organization here.
Adoption is of course a huge decision – it is the forming of a triadic relationship between a birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive family. I believe this relationship to be sacred and beautiful. But it is also complicated and difficult. Now working for an adoption agency, I have seen first-hand the courage that birth mothers have and the patience of waiting adoptive families. Both have tremendous love and are in a state of crisis, worry, and hope.
Those considering adoption have many questions to answer. First, why adopt in the first place? Then, can I afford adoption? What kind of adoption do I want? Should I use a consultant or agency? Am I prepared to answer a child’s questions about their adoption and birth family? And this is only the beginning. Choosing to adopt is a significant commitment with its own beauties and challenges. My hope is to give you a sense of the significance of adoption in this article, and if you are considering adoption, give you some things to think about to give you a better sense of direction and self-awareness.
Why adopt?
You may consider adoption because you want to grow your family, and this is wonderful. It is true that some consider adoption because of infertility, but there are many other reasons to consider adoption. Women who have had high-risk pregnancies in the past may consider adoption. Individuals not wishing to pass on genetic traits and hereditary diseases may also choose adoption instead of procreating. Some families simply want to adopt – they see a need in the world and want to offer birth mothers and adoptees an opportunity to thrive. Individuals may wish to raise a child or children without being in a significant relationship, and for LGBT+ couples looking to become parents, adoption is a great option. Some may also choose to adopt older children because they don’t want to raise an infant. Some feel a strong connection to adoption because they themselves were adopted. Everyone’s adoptive family’s path to adoption will look a little different. It is a big commitment and decision with a hefty emotional, financial, and relational burden.
Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash
What are some poor reasons to adopt?
My husband and I, who are very open about our infertility, have often been told something like this: “Well, if you can’t have your own kids, you can just adopt.” As if the adopted child is some kind of second-best or consolation prize. Though that comment may be well-intended, it highlights an unawareness regarding adoption and a mistaken belief that adoption replaces infertility grief. That is far too large an expectation to place on a child. (If you want to ask this question, instead consider validating a couple’s infertility and then say something like, “If for some reason your current plan doesn’t work out, will you consider other ways to parent or have children?”) Couples who decide to adopt often begin this journey because of infertility, but those who are most successful are those who are able to separate infertility grief and loss from the anxieties that come with the decision to adopt.
And with that being said, peer pressure is also not a reason to adopt. And it happens! People pressure their loved ones to adopt because they feel it will be so good for them. But that’s not a good reason to make any big decision, especially when adoption is concerned.
Do not adopt because you want to rescue someone. This perspective, though it comes from a good place of wanting to help, is a little off-base. The belief that you are rescuing a child can bring with it an unfair expectation that the child will be grateful to you – after all, you saved them, right? Wrong. While you are helping a mother and her child, you are not a savior to them. This perspective can create a sense of entitlement in your relationship with the child (especially in adolescence), as well as with the birth mother, and even your case manager. Really though, it’s just a terrible perspective, and I could write an entire piece on why.
And if your family isn’t on board, it really isn’t time. If your partner is “just going along with it” and isn’t really committed, don’t adopt. The process can be very difficult and emotional – your family unit really needs to be on board. And with that said, I also recommend having a good support system.
Adoption is also not a way to “fix” a relationship. Bringing a child into a family in any way with the intention that their presence will cure relationship problems is terribly unfair to the child, not to mention unrealistic. The adoption process can make relationships harder – it doesn’t make them easier.
While there are other reasons, those are big reasons not to adopt. I do not want to persuade anyone away from adoption, but I do want people to be aware of why they want to adopt, and be sure that they are grounded and pursuing adoption for the right reasons.
Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash
What are some things I should consider when thinking about adoption?
Consider the type of adoption you want – finding a situation you are comfortable with is important. International, state, and private adoption are all good options but are unique and one may be better than another for a given family.
Families may also consider if an open, semi-open, or closed adoption is best for their family. Semi-open and open adoptions have the best outcomes for adoptees, and these benefits allude to a more healthy and secure sense of identity, better mental health, and more secure attachment. Families should consider what kind of and amount of communication they would like with a birth mother.
Families should also consider their finances. Private adoptions often offer the most support and give families the most options for finding a situation that they connect with, but are often the most expensive. All adoptions also require home study, adoption education and training, legal fees, and some include medical fees and travel costs as well. In addition to saving for adoption, families can consider grants and subsidies for adoption. State adoptions are often the cheapest adoptions, and may be better suited to some families.
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Additionally, those considering adoption must also think about the specifics of adoption situations they are willing to consider: degree of openness, a race/ethnicity different from their own, prenatal drug/alcohol use, etc. All can impact their decisions. The more open a family is to a variety of situations, the less time they will have to wait to accept a child into their home. The more selective they are, the less frequently a potential match will present itself. You should only accept a situation you are comfortable with, but you need to be aware of the limitations and comforts of each choice you make.
For me, the biggest question is this: Are you willing and able to give up control? By moving forward with adoption, you are allowing someone else to have control of your family planning. Some families are presented to many birth mothers before anyone says yes. They willingly face rejection many times before they are told “You have been picked to adopt this child.”
Those using an agency and adopting from infancy meet the mother in the hospital and navigate the grief, anxiety and fear that comes with that moment, because at the last moment, the birth mother may decide to parent, and is of course well within her right to do so. As the child grows, they respond to their child’s complicated questions about their identity in their adoptive family and birth family. Some take out second mortgages and save for years. Adoptive parents willingly put themselves in vulnerable position after vulnerable position, hoping that someday a beautiful little child will call them “mom” or dad”.
Those wanting to adopt have many things to consider, and the task can feel daunting. Adoption is a long, emotional process, but it is beautiful and wonderful. One of my favorite things about my job is calling an adoptive family to tell them that a birth mother has chosen them to parent her child. They shed tears of joy, relief, shock, gratitude. It is a moment that changes their lives forever.
Reach out to someone you know who is going through the adoption process, as a birth mother or adoptive family, and offer emotional (and if you can) financial support.
If you are considering adoption, learn more and contemplate adoptions that you connect with.
Slauson-Blevins, K., & Park, N. K. (2015). Deciding Not to Adopt: The Role of Normative Family Ideologies in Adoption Consideration. Adoption Quarterly,19(4), 237-260. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2015.1121185
Malm, K., & Welti, K. (2010). Exploring Motivations to Adopt. Adoption Quarterly,13(3-4), 185-208. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2010.524872
Zhang, Y., Harris, V.W., Diehl, D.L., King, S.M., & Speegle, K.C. (2018). Life-Changing Decisions: Exploring Proximal and Distal Motivations behind why American Parents Adopt Domestically or Internationally.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.
Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.![IMG_2700_Original[1]](https://i0.wp.com/www.healthyhumansproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IMG_2700_Original1.png?resize=152%2C152&ssl=1)
Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
Brittney Herman graduated in April, 2020, with a law degree from Brigham Young University. She primarily studied tax law, but also had the opportunity to study sexual education laws during her years there. Brittney started the non-profit 
