Love, Me, Mental Notes

Suicide: Changing the Conversation

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith and Rian Gordon
Suicide.
Hearing the word may make you uncomfortable but we need to talk about it. 
Scratch that, we HAVE to talk about it. 
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for those between ages 15-24 (SAVE, 2020) and the tenth leading cause of death in the United States for all ages. This means that the majority of people will in some way be touched by suicide in their lives. Yet, many are unsure of how to talk about suicide or how to get help if they become suicidal. 
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Myths and Facts

Myth #1: Talking about suicide causes suicide
Fact: Talking about suicide opens the conversation and can be a preventative measure. Having these sometimes difficult conversations allows the person struggling to talk about what they are going through and can help them to see things from an outside perspective. It’s okay to ask questions and to be specific about those questions. It’s okay to share your own experiences with suicide or suicidality because sharing helps us know we’re not alone, and helps to fight shame and stigma. (Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health, 2019)
Myth #2: People who are suicidal want their life to end
Fact: People who are suicidal usually don’t want to end their lives, rather they want to end their suffering. They are often in such a dark, hopeless place that they feel there is no way to end their suffering other than by taking their own life. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #3: Suicide only affects those who have a mental disorder(s)
Fact: While mental disorders can be a risk factor for suicide, that does not mean that everyone that has one has suicidal thoughts, ideation etc. You also do not have to have a mental illness to feel suicidal. Often there are other stressors such as relationship problems, abuse, illness, crisis, etc. that can lead to suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #4: Most suicides happen suddenly
Fact: Rarely does suicide happen suddenly. Usually the person who is suicidal shows warning signs. These signs are often shown to those who are closest to them, and those people may not recognize that these are warning signs. It’s important to know the signs so that we can help those who may be at risk for suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
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What we need to change when we talk about suicide

Using the Word – We need to use the word suicide rather than beating around the bush or using other terms. It’s okay to say the word suicide, and it’s okay to say that you’re suicidal. It’s important that we use the word because the more that we talk about it, the more we can end the stigma around it. (Roe, 2019)
Change the Language – We need to be careful about what words we use when discussing suicide. We partitcularly need to stop using phrases like, “Successfully committed suicide,” or, “Failed suicide attempt”. Words like “successful” and “failed” can carry other meanings, some with positive implications, like “successful”, or negative, like “committed”, which makes it sounds like a crime has taken place. Rather,  we should use phrases like, “Died by suicide,” because it’s more accurate and less emotionally charged. It is important that we talk about suicide respectfully because we are all human and vulnerable. (Roe, 2019)
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

What to do if you’re suicidal

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – You do not have to face this alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or thinking about taking your own life, PLEASE reach out to someone you trust. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or you can chat online at this link here. If you feel more comfortable texting, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. If you are part of the LGBTQ Community, you can call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or visit their website for options to chat and text. (LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.) (The Trevor Project, 2017)
2. Make a safety plan – Having a plan in place for when you are in a suicidal mindset can take away some of the pressure of having to think critically when you are in a state of overwhelm.
  • What you might include in your plan: 
    • Warning signs to watch for (thoughts, images, mood, situations, behavior, etc., that indicate a crisis might be happening)
    • Ideas for how to help yourself (self-soothing techniques, positive distractions, etc.)
    • People you can ask for help (include names and contact information)
    • Ideas for how you can make your environment safe for you
    • A list of things that are important to you and/or worth living for
3. Remember, feelings are temporary – No matter how hopeless things may seem, you are wanted and needed on this earth. Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. You can and will get through this. 
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

How to help someone who is suicidal

1. Watch for signs – If your friend is feeling suicidal, it may be difficult for them to reach out and ask for help.  Here are some signs to look for that can help you recognize that they may be struggling:
  • Verbal Signs
    • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
    • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
    • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
    • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Behavioral Signs
    • Increased drug or alcohol abuse or relapsing after being in recovery
    • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online, buying a gun, stockpiling pills
    • Unexplained anger, aggression and irritability; behaving recklessly 
    • Sudden interest or disinterest in religion
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Getting personal affairs in order
    • Sleeping too little or too much
    • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
    • Extreme mood swings
    • Previous suicide attempts
  • Situational Signs
    • Fired of expelled from school
    • Unwanted move
    • Loss of major relationship
    • Death of someone by suicide
    • Diagnosis of serious or terminal illness
    • Other life events or changes
2. Ask, and then listen with empathy – It’s important that you ask the question directly–are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you suicidal? Do you have a suicide plan? It may come as a natural flow of conversation or you may just have to ask out of the blue. When you ask, make sure it is in a private setting, and give them the time that they need to talk. However they respond, listen with empathy and avoid reacting with shame or judgment. Don’t feel like you have to present a solution or fix it for them right then and there. Just let them know that you care about and are there for them. 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
3. Take their thoughts and feelings seriously – Remember, when someone says they are suicidal, it’s important to believe them and not assume they are just being dramatic or seeking attention. Regardless of whether or not you feel your friend’s situation is truly as hopeless as they feel, if someone is thinking or talking about suicide, you should always take them seriously.
4. Get help – Encourage your friend to seek help, and don’t promise to keep their struggles a secret. Neither of you has to bear this burden alone. Help your friend identify others who can also be a part of their support system and help them get through this difficult time. 
5. Know what resources are available – Your friend may be overwhelmed and not know where to go to get help. If you are on a college campus, find their counseling and psychological services as well as their after-hours line. If your friend is an immediate danger to themselves, call 9-1-1. Do a quick Google search or refer to the previous section about help lines you can contact or direct them to. If your friend protests and gets upset that you have contacted someone, don’t worry. It’s  ALWAYS better to have an angry, alive friend. 
Photo by Käännöstoimisto Transly on Unsplash
Suicide is painful and tragic, and also one of the only causes of death that is 100% preventable. We have the power to stop suicide by talking about it, fighting shame and stigma, and by empathizing with and being there for one another. For the sake of ourselves, and our loved ones, we HAVE to change the conversation. 
Share one of the facts about suicide from this article on social media or with a loved one.

References

Fuller, K., M.D. (2018, September 6). 5 Common Myths About Suicide Debunked. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked
Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health. (2019). The Myths & Facts of Youth Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from http://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Myths/
Quinnett, P., Ph. D. (2016).  Ask a Question, Save a Life [Pamphlet]. QPR Institute.
Roe, T, (2019, May 24), Suicide. Podcast Therapy Thoughts. Retrieved from https://anchor.fm/therapythoughts/episodes/Episode-27-Suicide-Thoughts-from-a-human-therapist-e44t2t
SAVE. (2020). Suicide Statistics and Facts. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/
The Trevor Project. (2017, September 20). Facts About Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/

 

 

Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Distress Management 101

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Cover photo by Finn Hackshaw on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith
Feeling overwhelmed? Exhausted? Irritable? Discouraged? Stressed? 
You are not alone. We are living in unprecedented times, and that tends to stress us out. A lot of the outlets that we may normally use to cope with our stress have been restricted or taken away and that makes it harder to maintain fluctuating levels of stress. 
Let’s talk about some ways you can better manage your stress, because, as a professor of mine would so lovingly remind me, “stress management is life management.” 

Prioritize 

When we’re stressed, it can be really hard to figure out what we need to do and how to accomplish it. What things absolutely have to get done and what things can wait? There is a wide variety of resources out there to help answer this question, such as the Covey Quadrant Method, the prioritized to-do list, Productivity Boot Camp, etc. My personal favorite is the sticky note method, which essentially gives you a visual representation of what you’ve accomplished. 
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Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels
The sticky note method goes like this (Wheeler, 2019):
  1. Get a pad of sticky notes
  2. Write down what you need to get done, one task per sticky note
  3. Make sure that when you write the task you are specific. For example, “spend 30 minutes trimming the bushes” instead of “yard work”
  4. Once you have the tasks you need to get done written out, take the sticky notes and put them somewhere you can see them in order from most important to least important 
  5. When you finish a task, take the sticky note off and throw it away
If you don’t finish all of the tasks by the end of the day, that’s okay! Rarely do we finish everything we intend to accomplish all in one sitting. Leave the sticky notes up and then keep working on them the next day. 
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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Self-Care

We have talked a lot about self-care here at the Healthy Humans Project, and that’s because it is so important! Being stressed out all the time often leaves us feeling like we don’t have the time or energy to take care of ourselves, but it’s absolutely vital that we do. It may seem more important to get those dishes done or disinfect the high-touch services for the third time this week, but this will ultimately leave you feeling tired and even more exhausted than before. Make the time each day to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to take three hours for self-care! Your self-care is going to look different depending on your current level of stress, and on your needs for that day (Gordon, 2019). One day it may be taking 20 minutes to watch an episode of your favorite show, doing a face mask, or even taking a nap. Other days you’ll have more time to take that bubble bath or watch that movie on your watch list. What matters is that you are taking the time to take care of yourself. 

Exercise

Exercise is one of the best forms of stress relief. The type of exercise you choose doesn’t really matter, what matters that you move your body on a daily basis. Find what makes you feel good! Moving your body can mean dancing in the kitchen to blasting music, going for a run, doing a workout video from YouTube, or going to the gym (if, you know, that’s an option). Exercise has many benefits for stress. When you exercise your body naturally releases endorphins (sometimes known as a runner’s high), which makes you feel happier. When you exercise consistently it can boost your mood and help with mild depression and anxiety (Exercise and Stress, 2018). 
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Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash
Additionally, exercise is great for helping ease the body’s response to stress. Our bodies have two major nervous systems that govern a wide variety of physiological responses, known as the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous systems. The parasympathetic system is commonly referred to as the “rest and digest” system, and the sympathetic as the fight, flight or freeze response. When we are stressed, our body triggers the sympathetic nervous system, causing muscle tension, a racing heart, and adrenaline release throughout the body to prepare for fight, flight or freeze. As we exercise, our body is able to use this stress response to actually benefit our body by building muscle and strengthening our cardiovascular system. It also helps to regulate our body’s stress response. Check out this video here, and this one here if you would like to learn more.

Sleep

Stress can impact our ability to sleep, which is problematic because we also need sleep to help combat stress! While we sleep, our bodies do maintenance to repair and heal our bodies, as well as helping with memory consolidation (Stress and Sleep, 2013). When we are stressed, we often don’t get enough sleep, leaving us tired or even more stressed (anyone else stress how much sleep they aren’t getting??). Most often, stress leaves us unable to get high-quality sleep, which then affects our mood and our ability to cope with life. 
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We need to make sure that we are getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night regardless of age (kids, babies and teens are in the group that needs more than that). Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help us sleep better. First, establish a routine around bedtime. For example, take a shower, brush your teeth, read for 30 minutes, and then go to sleep. Sticking to a routine signals to the body that it is time to go to sleep. Second, turn off electronics two hours before bedtime. Blue light is notoriously known for interfering with the ability to sleep. Or, if you have to use a device, switch it to night mode where it turns down how much blue light your screen emits. Third, save the bed for sleeping and sex with your partner. The less we do in bed, the more the brain will associate it with sleeping, making it easier to actually get sleep. (How to Sleep Better, 2020)

Mindfulness—Breathing 

Mindfulness and its various practices have endless benefits. But I want to talk specifically about breathing because it’s one of the most underrated stress management techniques. As we all know, we have to breathe in order to survive. But our breathing has a greater effect on our bodies than we sometimes realize. Our breathing has the ability to help calm the sympathetic nervous system (remember that fight, flight, freeze response?) by lowering our heart rate, relaxing our muscles, and helping us get back to our thinking brain. 
Here is an easy breathing technique you can try, taught by LMFT Tammy Hill: 
  1. Close your eyes and sit comfortably 
  2. Inhale for three counts 
  3. Hold at the top for three counts
  4. Exhale for three counts
  5. Repeat as needed

Connect

“We are neurobiologically hardwired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, there is always suffering.”– Brené Brown, Netflix Special The Call to Courage
We are hardwired for connection, and that connection helps us to deal with our stress. We need other people to talk to, to vent to, to support, and to support us. Being around others and interacting with others helps to ease the stress of everyday life. When we feel we have people we can turn to, or know that we have people supporting us, we can get through difficult times because we know we are loved regardless of our personal successes or failures. While it may not be possible to connect with people in person right now, we can video chat, text, call, write letters, etc. to keep connected with others.
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
For me personally, it has been so hard to not have in-person interaction with people outside of my spouse. Yes, I have been able to video chat and text, but it’s not the same as sitting down with friends at a restaurant or participating in in-person church services. It feels isolating to sit behind a screen and not be able to give someone a hug or be there for them when it feels like everything is falling apart for them or to be able to celebrate a graduation or marriage. Just know that if you are struggling too, you are not alone.

Gratitude

Sometimes in the mounds of stress, it’s easy to forget that there is more to life than just getting our to-do list done. Being grateful doesn’t take a lot of time,. It can simply be saying, “Today I am grateful to be alive,” or “I’m grateful that I got out of bed today.” It can be sitting down at the end of the day and writing down three things you’re grateful for in a journal. These few moments may seem insignificant, but they can literally re-wire our brains. Research has found that people who keep a gratitude journal see a decline in perceived stress in as little as two weeks, meaning that when we are grateful we see things more as they truly are rather than just what we are stressed about (UC Davis Health, 2015). As we look for things to be grateful for, our perspective shifts and it makes it easier to cope with our day-to-day lives. So, right now, pause to write down three things you’re grateful for, send a text saying thank you to someone, and remember that life won’t always be like this!
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Photo by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash

Self-Compassion

Finally, when we are stressed, one of the most important things we can do is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Often, we won’t get everything done that we would like to, and that’s okay! Some days we won’t get anything done because stress, mental health etc. require us to step back and take a do-nothing day to take care of ourselves. When those days and moments come, it’s imperative that we have compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to step back and say, “I’m struggling right now and so are others. I can be mindful of my emotions and acknowledge them without being consumed by them. I can be kind and understanding to myself regardless of whether I got everything done that I would have liked.” Self-compassion is a powerful principle! If you’d like to learn more about it, I would recommend checking this Ted Talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff.
Don’t let your stress get the best of you. Take things a day at a time, don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. We’re all figuring this out, and we’ll make it through together!
For more ways to cope with distress, check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook from the New Harbinger Institute. 
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the strategies listed in this article to implement into your life this week to help you better manage your distress. 

References

Brown, B. (2019). The Call to Courage [Video file]. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress. (2020, August 18). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
Gordon, R. (2019, August 29). Self-Care for Busy Humans. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/self-care-for-busy-humans/
How to Sleep Better. (2020, August 13). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/healthy-sleep-tips
Stress and Sleep. (2013). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep
UC Davis Health, P. (2015, November 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html
Wheeler, C. (2019, May 20). How to Get Way More Done Using the Sticky Note Technique. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://academysuccess.com/sticky-note-technique/ 

 

 

IMG_2524
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
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Power Couples

One but Two: Maintaining Independence in Your Relationship

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Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

Written by Allie Barnes
Correspondence by Haley Todd, MSW, CSW
This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.
—
In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)
Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).
There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:
93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.
When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:
28% said every few months
22% said every few weeks
44% said they take a little time alone each day
6% had not noticed a pattern
While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:
  1. It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.
  2. Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.
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Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash
I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.
Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:
  • The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and
  • What they need to do to recharge effectively.
Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:
Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…
The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.
When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:
  1. Pair the request with a future date
  2. Explain exactly why you need it
  3. Be willing to compromise
  4. Explain that it’s about recharging
  5. Take baby steps
  6. Keep your time apart balanced
  7. Be specific in what you’re requesting
  8. Explain how it will benefit the relationship
  9. Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything
  10. Highlight why it makes you happy
  11. Reconnect afterward
Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.
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Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.
I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:
As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands. 
I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality. 
As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed. 
—
For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:
Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships
By McKay Strong, February 22, 2020
Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening
By Rian Gordon, July 11, 2020
Six Aspects of a Healthy Relationship
By Aubrey-Dawn Palmer, April 5, 2017
—
Personal Practice 1Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.

References

Degges-White, S. (2018, March 21). “Alone Time” Keeps Relationships Healthy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Komar, M. (2016, September 27). How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/184507-how-to-ask-for-more-alone-time-in-a-relationship-without-starting-a-fight
Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547

 

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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Power Couples

The Four Sides of Sex

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Cover photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be. 

Side 1: Physical

There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences. 
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
  1. Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
  2. Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
  3. Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most? 
  4. Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
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Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels

Side 2: Emotional

Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007) 
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?). 
  1. What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together! 
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Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Side 3: Spiritual

For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018) 
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
  1. What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
  2. How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
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Photo by Ricardo Esquivel from Pexels

Side 4: Mental

Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually. 
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
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Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
  1. What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future? 
  2. Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex). 
  3. If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.

References

Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-  3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature, 19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Grieving After a Miscarriage

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Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
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Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence. 
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.

Miscarriage

As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together. 
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent. 
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Personal Practice 1Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.

References

Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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