One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so SAFE around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything! This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last (PREP Inc., 2015).
Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships:
Physical Safety
The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, I would argue that there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other.
Create a physical sanctuary: If you live together, you can increase the felt physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours!
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees.
Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. Responding positively to bids does not mean that you always have to say “yes” to your partner. It just means that you acknowledge their bid and follow through with taking time to connect – whether in that exact moment, or setting aside intentional time later!
Ex. Partner 1: “Hey honey, how was your day?” “Hey babe, I’m in the middle of sending this text right now, but I’d love to talk about my day with you and hear about yours. Can we talk as soon as I’m done?”
Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of ourselves that we might not be so proud of. We are all human, and our relationships need to be a space that allows for us to make mistakes, disagree, struggle, and grow together. When your partner shares something with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship.
Practice sharing your emotions: Sharing how we are feeling is not always easy. The good news is, it’s a skill that we can practice! Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. Mutual sharing and showing empathy and respect for one another’s emotions will help you build trust and increase closeness in your relationship.
Commitment Safety
Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
Constraint Commitments: Constraint commitments refer to “forces that constrain individuals to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication to them” (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). These can be things such as buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, social pressure to remain together, etc. “Constraint” sounds like a negative term, but these types of ties in our relationships can actually be really beneficial in strengthening our commitment (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). The more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty* (things that come to every relationship).
* This does not include abusive relationships. If you are in a relationship with abuse of any kind, you have the right to leave regardless of any existing constraints!
Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort we continuously put into our relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely we are to stay committed to our partner! Investing in your relationship looks like frequent date nights, staying curious and continuing to get to know each other, nurturing your emotional and physical connection, communicating openly and honestly, intentionally connecting throughout the day, etc. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more our actions reflect commitment to our partner and to the relationship, the deeper our love and commitment will actually become.
Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of family theory & review, 2(4), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
“Communication is your ticket to success, if you pay attention and learn to do it effectively.” – Theo Gold
We all know that communication is vital in relationships. But have you ever considered how this applies to the parent-child relationship? When children can’t properly communicate and when parents don’t know how to help, that relationship suffers.
Now, we know that no child (or grown person!) is perfect at communication, but helping our children learn language, including the ability to ask for what they want, say whether or not they like things, and label items, can be vital in reducing frustration in the home.
So what are some of the best ways to help your child learn and use language?
Play with your child
A clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics states that play with parents and peers promotes brain development and “the formation of the safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with all caregivers” (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek, & Golinkoff, 2018). So it’s a double whammy! You get brain development in almost all areas and improved relationships.
Play is the modality through which our children learn. So if we want our children to learn language, we need to incorporate language into play. Start by sitting on the floor with your child. Then either initiate a fun sequence or watch what your child does and imitate them. Then, find a way to incorporate language.
For example, say your child is playing with a car. Take another car, and play alongside them. Depending on their age, you could say something like, “Vroom!” or “Go car!”. Then repeat, repeat, repeat!
If your child is at the imaginative play stage, the possibilities are endless! Just play with them and add language (preferably 1-2 words they haven’t yet mastered) to whatever you’re doing.
This study found that children who were read to daily (about 5 books) were exposed to over a million more words by kindergarten than children who were not read to. What does this mean? Well, we can’t expect our children to learn language when they’re not exposed to language. Books contain words that we don’t usually experience in our daily lives. They also help our children learn sentence structures, rhyming, and the basic structure of stories.
Is it ever too early to read to your children? No. It will never be harmful to include books with play. Just remember to keep reading a positive experience. So don’t push your children past their attention span. If your child is young and you can’t read many books at once, don’t worry! Just try to include stories in a few parts of your day.
Reading with your child does not always mean just reading the exact written words on each page! You can skip words, stop and talk about a page, or skip whole parts. Just stay at your child’s language and engagement level. If you have a young child, it can help them stay more engaged if you sit across from them and hold the book in front of you so that they can see both you and the book at the same time.
Sing with your child
Did you know that using melody is part of a therapy technique for helping stroke patients regain language abilities? Pretty cool, huh? The connection between music and language isn’t fully understood, but music can be a great tool for including language in your daily routine. Melody, rhyming, intonation, and grammar are all aspects of music that translate to spoken language as well.
I like to break music up into two categories: fun songs, and soothing songs. Fun songs are songs like “5 Little Monkeys” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” that we use when it’s play time. Including actions is a great way to tap into visual learning and highlight certain words. Soothing music is used at bedtime or other times your child needs calming. These don’t need lots of facial expressions or actions.
I often come across parents who are hesitant to sing with their child. They think that a YouTube video here and there is sufficient music exposure. But human interaction is key here! I’ve never met a child who was critical of their parent’s voice, and nobody is recording you. So put your pride aside, be a little goofy if you must, and sing!
Remember how much communication impacts relationships? Well, as a parent, you are one half of that vital relationship. As important as it is for your child to learn language, remember that it takes time. While your child is learning to communicate with you, be very mindful of your own communication. Make it as kind and respectful as possible. You are the constant language model for your child, and the learning that your child does while they are just observing (called incidental learning) is so powerful!
Whatever you do, remember that nobody knows your child better than you! Use that knowledge to play to their strengths and help them in the ways you know are best. If you lead with love, you can’t go wrong.
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.
Hulstijn, J. H. (2001). Intentional and incidental second-language vocabulary learning: A reappraisal of elaboration, rehearsal and automaticity. Dans P. Robinson (Ed.), Cognition and Second Language Instruction (p. 258-286). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Logan, J. A., Justice, L. M., Yumuş, M., & Chaparro-Moreno, L. J. (2019). When Children Are Not Read to at Home. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics,Publish Ahead of Print. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000657
Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics,142(3). doi:10.1542/peds.2018-2058
Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
After almost six years of cancer treatments that were followed by stretches of remission that we were told would never come, the fact that my dad was in the hospital again wasn’t too overwhelming. He had bounced back before, and I figured that he would continue to do so far into the future. As a result, my mom’s text requesting that I come to the hospital on that calm, warm night in early June wasn’t too disturbing—until I arrived and saw all of my siblings in the parking lot. Evidently, they’d received the same message.
We made our way silently to the “end-of-life” floor, where the walls were painted a serene blue and the nurses watched solemnly as we passed. Once we had assembled as a family in the hospital room, my parents explained that the doctors had finally run out of options—giving our ever-resilient, 45-year-old dad only a few weeks to live.
Photo courtesy of the author
It was a unique experience to be able to spend my dad’s last days at home, surrounding the recliner that had been brought into my parents’ bedroom where we tried to help him be as comfortable as possible. Though the next two weeks were difficult and we didn’t know when the end would come, we stayed in that room for the better part of every day, eating popsicles, playing card games, and reflecting on every good family memory we could conjure up to distract us from concentrating on the tubes coming out of my dad’s body and his flagging strength.
Parents are influential people in a child’s life (Gross, 2016). They often provide safety, emotional and financial support, and teach important, life-lasting values to their children (Wentzel,1998). My dad was there for me and exemplified everything a good man is. He provided me with a model of what I should look for in any guy who might come into my life. He had a way of keeping each of his children safe and feeling secure, and he taught me through his example about respect, hard work, and trust.
Because of the incredible influence my father had on my life, his passing was especially painful. In fact, losing a loved one to death is considered one of the most stressful events an individual can experience (Koocher, 1986). Today, about 4% of children and adolescents lose a parent (Melhem, Porta, Shamseddeen, Payne, & Brent, 2011), and as my five siblings and I ranged from 14-21 years old at the time, we quickly became part of that statistic. The late teens and early twenties can be the most transformative years of an individual’s life, and if a parent passes during this crucial period, perception of self and support throughout life will likely significantly change (Wagner, 2016).
Many have offered suggestions for those trying to cope with the death of a parent while in their childhood and teen years (Stordahl, 2017). Although the coping techniques young people choose can vary, the bereaved typically end up defining the loss as part of their identity (Koblenz, 2016). The reality is that through many years, the grief comes and goes, and then comes again. However, adapting to life’s challenges can have a positive side and be strengthening. Each trial can be another badge on the “life is hard” achievement sash, another aspect of one’s identity.
How to Cope With the Loss
I found the following three coping strategies to be especially helpful after my own father’s death and feel they may be valuable for others who are dealing with loss:
Don’t Be Afraid to Tell Someone What You Need
The temptation after experiencing a parent’s death is to huddle down inside your own world, to try to be “strong,” and to refuse help. Coping, grieving, and healing will go more smoothly if you can get what you need to make it through the process.
The people around you generally want to help but may not know how. I came to understand that I needed to tell them. Since this was the time I needed people the most, this was also the time that I needed to allow them into my life, and be honest about what I needed from them. If someone texted me asking if they could do anything, I responded. I found that often the simple things were the most helpful and bonding, like asking a friend to just sit silently in a park with me and feel the wind blow across our faces.
Don’t blame those around you if they don’t understand how to act or what to say. It may feel easy, or that you have a perfect excuse to draw the curtains and cancel all plans, but everyone’s grieving experience is different and shutting people out will just confuse those who want to help you. You can let people know that you need space while still nurturing and valuing the space that their friendship has occupied in your life until this point.
After that night when I was told that my dad was dying, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I was turning nineteen in a few days, and there were plans that would have to be cancelled so I could stay home with my family. Some of my friends didn’t even know my dad had cancer, and now I would have to tell them that things were cancelled because he was dying. These were difficult and awkward conversations to have, but once they knew, my friends didn’t have to be confused if I was a little “absent.” They knew that I valued our friendship enough to not keep them in the dark about my struggles.
Take Comfort from the Parts of Life that are Predictable
In reaction to the unpredictable event of my dad’s death, I began to crave parts of life that were predictable. The sun still rose and set every morning and night, I still needed to brush my teeth every day, and the dog still had to be fed. These routines had no special meaning tied to them, but I needed the consistency.
As a family, it was important for us to continue the routines that existed when my dad was alive. Working in the yard every Saturday morning as a family meant so much more to me because I knew my dad would’ve been right there with us if he were alive, in the same old hat and well-loved tennis shoes he always wore. He’d be asking one of us kids to help him hold up a piece of siding so he could nail it onto the shed he was building, racing against daylight to get as much done each week as he could. Keeping up with routines helped give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, especially knowing my dad would be happy to see me working hard.
Now that all but my two little sisters have moved out of the house, I try to go over on a Saturday as often as I can to help my mom with the yard, attempting to keep it looking as good as he left it. It will always need work, and the continued routine helps keep the memories of wonderful bygone days fresh.
Ways That Friends Can Help
Even though I am one who has experienced parental loss, I still sometimes feel powerless when I see someone else grieving. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful as you reach out to comfort a friend who has experienced a loss:
Use Sensitivity in Offering Help
Asking, “How are you?” does not provide quality support that the bereaved need, they’re really not going to be “fine, thanks.” Instead, ask what you can do. My neighbor was sensitive in the way she worded her offers for help. She would text me and ask, “What do I need to leave on your porch that you feel like eating today?” She wouldn’t let me say that I was fine or deny her the opportunity to support me, but she also respected my need to be alone. She sensitively recognized that leaving things on the porch for now would help me feel a measure of comfort without the stress of maintaining a social presence or answering questions. She was consistent and kind—her offers were always about me and not about her feeling “less guilty” because she had reached out. Her sincerity spoke volumes.
Sympathy typically expires before grieving does (Koblenz, 2016), meaning that people will generously help in the beginning right after the loss, but the support often soon trails off, though the grief remains. Don’t stop bringing flowers or meals after the first week. Anyone can send a little gift with their condolences right after the tragedy happens, but you can be the person that can catch your loved one or friend in a darker time further down the road—just when they need it. The loss will still hurt 5, 10, or 15 years later.
Preserve Memories Through Maintaining Rituals
A friend can be helpful for those who need to remember what life was like before the loss. True friendship for someone who is grieving means carrying on the continued existence of gatherings and outings and doing what you can to help the bereaved feel comfortable during the activity. Remember the good times of the past while not being afraid to create new memories. Support your friend by maintaining the consistency that they need to feel normal, instead of “the one whose dad died.”
As in my case, family rituals—events that are repeated and have meaning—are a powerful tool for helping to soften parental loss. Though some family traditions will need to be adjusted to meet the constraints of the present, try to keep the sentimentality of the ritual, so as to preserve that part of “normal” family life that existed before the loss of the parent. Help those you know get up and go to the annual family Thanksgiving turkey bowl, make that special ham recipe, do the birthday lunch at your favorite restaurant with your best friend, or go to the traditional Christmas Day movie.
Since that June evening where I gathered with my family in the hospital and learned that my life would never be the same, I have grieved, boarded up my emotions, embraced my emotions, and then boarded them up again at times. It still hurts, but I am now more sensitive to how important the journey of grief is and how it can bring families together. Healing takes time and there is no reason to ever feel like you need to “get over” your loss (Cincotta-Eichenfield, n.d.). Do your best to stand by others and realize that life, love, and grief are all journeys—ones that can change us for good.
This week, choose a friend or family member who may need some extra love. Think about ways you might be able to help. Do they need a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves? Maybe a meal? Someone to listen to and just be with them? Decide on one specific thing you can do to help them that week, and then offer that help! If they tell you no, that is okay! The point is to practice being intentional and thoughtful about the way you show up for those you love.
Wentzel, K. R. (1998). Social relationships and motivation in middle school: The role of parents, teachers, and peers. Journal of Educational Psychology, 90(2), 202–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.90.2.202
Melhem, N., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Payne, M. W., & Brent, D. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68, 911–919. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.101
Wagner, D. M. (2016). Loss of a parent: A retrospective phenomenological exploration of lived experience (Order No. 10125515). ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1796375581).
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
It started with a thought: I should write my story. And so I wrote my story. I started with one defining moment, then another. When the milestones were recorded, I started filling in more details and emotions. I took some things out. I edited it.
And when it finally felt complete, I felt a relief—a freedom—I never knew I needed.
I have since published my story as a paperback book, but the feelings of relief and freedom came even before that point. I could have kept my story private and still benefited substantially from writing it.
There is no one right way to write your story. You can use a journal, an app, or a planner. You can write once a day, once a week, once a month, or once ever. Regardless of the format or schedule you choose for writing, journaling offers noteworthy benefits, including a reduction of stress and a healthy way to manage anxiety and depression. Research by psychologist and researcher Dr. James Pennebaker suggests that journaling can even alleviate physical symptoms of conditions such as asthma and rheumatoid arthritis by acting as a stress management tool.
According to an article by Harvard Medical School, in at least one study by Pennebaker, he
“…asked 46 healthy college students to write about either personally traumatic life events or trivial topics for 15 minutes on four consecutive days. For six months following the experiment, students who wrote about traumatic events visited the campus health center less often, and used a pain reliever less frequently, than those who wrote about inconsequential matters.” (Harvard, 2020)
To demonstrate the immediate benefits that journaling can offer, researchers at the University of Chicago “found that anxious test-takers who wrote briefly about their thoughts and feelings before taking an important exam earned better grades than those who did not.”
How can you put this to the test? In your next stressful moment, I invite you to pause and take a few minutes to write about the situation and how you are feeling. Does your stress level increase, remain steady, or decrease? Did the exercise help you find additional solutions or insight into the situation?
Here are some other creative ways to start journaling:
Create a private Instagram just for family photos and captions. If you want a physical copy, you can subscribe to a service like Chatbooks, which will automatically send you a book of your Instagram photos after every 60 posts.
Download the Day One app to start keeping a journal on your phone. The app is free, though you can subscribe if you want to keep more than one journal on the app.
Start gathering your family members’ stories first. Interview any living grandparents or great-grandparents. Interview your parents. Interview siblings. Not only will you create a beautiful record for your family, you may find yourself inspired as you begin writing your own stories.
I am not great at traditional journaling, but I recently found several notebooks and planners where I have kept notes and records over the past several years of my life. These, along with my Instagram page and other digital platforms, have offered an non-traditional but natural way for me to keep a journal of sorts.
How have you benefited from journaling in your life? We’d love to hear from you this week on Instagram @healthyhumansproject!
Choose one way to start recording your story this week!
References
Alt, D., & Raichel, N. (2020). Reflective journaling and metacognitive awareness: Insights from a longitudinal study in higher education. Reflective Practice, 21(2), 145–158. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14623943.2020.1716708
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week. 
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
