Researchers John and Julie Gottman have observed thousands of couples in order to try and get down to the bottom of what makes a successful and long-lasting couple relationship. Through these observations, they have found that “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). He calls this act of turning towards your partner, making an “emotional bid”, or in other words, making an effort to connect with your partner in some way. Making and responding positively to these emotional bids increases commitment, connection, and trust in a relationship — essential components of relationships that last. In this post, I want to talk about a specific type of emotional bid that can automatically deepen your relationship with your significant other.
Help! (I Need Somebody…)
One emotional bid that we should frequently be making when it comes to our romantic partner is asking them for help. This can be help with daily tasks, emotional help, help in staying accountable for a goal we have, help looking for something we’ve lost, even help in the form of asking our partner to pray for us (something that research has shown is incredibly beneficial for relationships). No matter what it’s for, asking our partner for help when we need it turns us towards them, and gives them an opportunity to feel wanted and needed by us.
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Asking for help can be vulnerable. From infancy we are working towards becoming independent human beings that survive and function on our own. As we become more independent, asking for help can be viewed in our minds as weak, unnecessary, or even bothersome to those around us. The truth is, however, WE NEED EACH OTHER. We simply cannot function entirely on our own in life, and our partner is an excellent built-in resource for us to receive help of all kinds. Asking for help creates space for vulnerability and connection, which are both crucial elements of strong relationships. It fosters closeness, and allows the helper to increase in confidence, which makes them more likely to share thoughts and feelings with their partner. It also requires humility, which is a helpful and important trait in all relationships.
Equal Partnership
Not only can our partner give us help that we may desperately need, but the simple act of asking them for help also sets a precedent in the relationship for equal partnership. Healthy relationships involve give and take. Both asking for help and in turn helping your partner creates interdependence in your relationship, and teaches you that you can rely on each other. It helps you move forward as a couple, and both emotionally and physically support one another in your individual and couple goals.
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One reason that we may be reluctant to ask our partner for help is because of the false relationship belief that someone who knows us well should be able to read our mind and know when we need something from them. This may sound silly, but many of us have fallen prey to this false “romantic” notion! Unless you are married to a medium, your partner is not going to be able to read your mind, even after years and years together. This assumption is actually detrimental to relationships, as it sets up unrealistic expectations for our partner. Over time and the more you get to know each other, the better you may be able to read each other’s signals, but it is NEVER realistic to expect your significant other to read your mind and know exactly what you need. Asking for help can increase the likelihood that your needs will actually be met rather than be missed by your partner.
Remember…
It is important to realize that our partner will not be able to fill every single need that we have. That is why it is necessary for us to maintain the other relationship networks we have in our lives with family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. even after we find our “one-and-only”. However, work to recognize opportunities in your daily life where you might be able to ask your partner for help rather than turning towards someone else. This is something I have personally been working on in my relationship, since my dad has been my go-to fix-it-man for my entire life. If something is ever broken, I just ask my dad for help and he can usually fix it. I’ve realized, however, my natural tendency to just ask dad has occasionally deprived my husband of opportunities to learn how to fix something, or to even use the skills that he already has to help me. My husband is an incredibly capable individual, and asking him for help rather than using my dad as an automatic resource shows him that I trust in his abilities, and that I want and need him in my life.
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of this emotional bid, it’s up to you to TURN TOWARDS your partner, whether or not you can actually help them in that moment. Sometimes you aren’t able to help, and that is okay! But acknowledging your partner’s bid, and letting them know that you love them and care about them is essential.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
References
Bella M. DePaulo & Jeffrey D. Fisher (1980) The Costs of Asking for Help, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 1:1, 23-35, DOI: 10.1207/s15324834basp0101_3
Lambert, Nathaniel & Fincham, Frank & C. LaVallee, Dana & Brantley, Cicely. (2012). Praying Together and Staying Together: Couple Prayer and Trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. 4. 1-9. 10.1037/a0023060.
Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. K. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship Maintenance: A Review of Research on Romantic Relationships. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(3), 275-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12205
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
This week, think of something you need help with, and ask your partner to be the one to help you with it!
