Cover Photo by Christina Morillo from Pexels
Written by Alyssa Carroll
I’m a 23-year-old college senior and I’m single. I am an introvert and I have a small group of friends. My last relationship was when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, I’m not sure it could even be considered a relationship, but that is beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am super single and 2020 definitely wrecked my already non-existent dating life. Most people I know are either married, in a committed relationship (and basically married) or they are super single. It is hard to meet people when you are an introvert in an extroverted world, and living in a pandemic this year has made it 10x harder.
Modern society is of the opinion that single people are unhappy, lonely, and unsuccessful until they are in a romantic relationship (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). We all need connection with other humans to be happy and we all want to be loved, but just because you are single does not mean that you are cursed to a life of depression and lonely nights eating ice cream while you watch your comfort rom-com. It is possible for people in marriage or committed relationships to be severely unhappy and overwhelmed (Anderson & Stewart, 1994), and it is totally possible to be happy and successful if you are single (Card, 2019)! I’ll be the first one to admit that I am still learning how to enjoy being single, but I want to share three things that can help us singletons work towards becoming our best selves even when single.
Photo by Martin Péchy from Pexels
#1: Get to Know Yourself and Learn to Love You
When you are single it is important to ask yourself: “Do I like myself?”; “Would I like myself if no one liked me?”; and “Do I feel comfortable with me?”. You might feel uncomfortable asking yourself these questions because they are hard to answer! It takes time and effort to truly know and love yourself. Being single allows you to take the time you need to learn to love yourself and work on aspects of your life that you want to improve (Valentine, 2016)!
When you know yourself well enough to answer yes to those questions, you can become more confident and can better understand your purpose in life. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great resource for getting to know yourself better (Princing, 2018). I have been going to therapy for a while and through it, I have become more self-aware and more confident in who I am.
Learning to love yourself can be a painful process. Most of us have things that we do not like about ourselves. This is because we are human and we are not perfect. We all have weaknesses, and we tend to focus on negative things more than positive things (Goodman, 2021). You can learn to love yourself by realizing who you truly are. Personality or enneagram tests can help you discover more about yourself and see the good in who you are right now.
Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels
#2: Explore New Hobbies and Passions
Take advantage of this time to try new things and learn new hobbies or explore passions that you already have! Take classes on Skillshare, look for free classes at community centers, or grab a book on a topic that interests you. Tackle a new hobby in whatever way makes you comfortable, or push yourself to step out of your comfort zone!
One (free) way to start your deep dive into new hobbies is to look up YouTube videos on things that sound interesting. YouTube has an endless supply of videos for literally any topic or hobby you could think of. I recently spent a few hours watching crocheting tutorials for beginners, just because it sounded cool to learn how to crochet.
It is rewarding to learn something new, especially if you taught yourself a new skill! Hobbies enhance our lives and are a relaxing way to be productive. Developing new hobbies and exploring your passions can improve your general mental health and can be a good coping mechanism for symptoms of depression.
Photo by #3: Be Brave! Do Things For You
Over the years I have heard many people say things like: “When I get married I want to buy a Vitamix”; “When I get married I want to travel the world”; or “When I get married I want to start a business”. Who said we can’t do those things before getting married? Be brave and do those things for yourself! You don’t have to put off buying a Vitamix until you are married. Yeah, it would be nice to put that on a wedding registry, but if you have the money saved up, go ahead and splurge on it for yourself!
There are a myriad of things you can do to be brave and do something for you. You can move to that different state that has your dream job. You can go on your bucket list trip alone (or with friends—either way, make sure you are being safe!). You can take yourself out to dinner. You can go to graduate school. You can write a book. You can start that business.
There is a fine line between doing things for you and being selfish. We, unfortunately, do have to have some sense of responsibility and maturity as adults, but the world is your oyster and you don’t have to wait to be in a serious relationship to do the things that you have always wanted to do. Time spent on yourself is never time wasted.
Photo by Mateusz Sałaciak from Pexels
Conclusion
Don’t put pressure on yourself for being single! It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed about your eternal singlehood when everyone around you is getting married or going on five dates a week. Learning to live your best life while you are single will increase your self-worth which will benefit you now and in the future stages of your life.
Single or not, it’s never the wrong time to work toward becoming our best selves! Choose one of the above points to work on this week: Get to know and love yourself, explore new hobbies and passions, or be brave and do something for you!
References
Anderson, C., & Stewart, S. (1994). Flying solo: Single women in midlife. New York: W. W. Norton.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation Vol. 117. Psychological Bulletin.
Cannon, M. (2017, July 17). How hobbies can booth your mental health and help fight depression. The Crafty Jackalope, Shopify. https://www.thecraftyjackalope.com/blogs/the-inspiration-place/how-hobbies-can-boost-your-mental-health-and-help-fight-depression-click-here-to-comment
Card, R. (2019, July 29). Picking your tile and other fun things about being single in adulthood. Q.NOOR, October Ink. https://qnoor.com/blogs/news/picking-your-tile-and-other-fun-things-about-being-single
ColumbiaAbAdmin. (2018, December 12). Life of a student: The importance of having a hobby. Columbia College at Calgary. https://www.columbia.ab.ca/the-importance-of-having-a-hobby/#:~:text=Hobbies%20give%20you%20an%20opportunity,risk%20of%20depression%20and%20dementia.
Goodman, W. LMFT [@sitwithwhit]. (2021, February 3). We struggle with being positive because the human brain is more likely to: remember traumatic experiences more than positive ones [Photograph]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CK2V2-MDWdM/
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved February 4, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cognitive%20behavioral%20therapy
Princing, M. (2018, July 16). These at-home cognitive behavioral therapy tips can help ease your anxieties. Right as Rain, UW Medicine. https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/these-home-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-tips-can-help-ease-your-anxieties#:~:text=CBT%20is%20a%20form%20of,order%20to%20ease%20your%20distress.
TEDx Talks. (2013, September 13). Owning Alone: conquering your fear of being solo: Teresa Rodriguez at TEDxWilmington [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EZVwRQHiaM
TEDx Talks. (2018, July 19). What a time to be alone! Releasing the fear of being alone [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=babcNWX64yM&list=LL&index=1&t=560s
Valentine, T. (2016, January 15). How to be single and love it. FamilyToday. https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-be-single-and-love-it/
Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC). (2017, March 22). 8 ways to be a more confident person. Success. https://www.success.com/8-ways-to-be-a-more-confident-person/
