Cover photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash
Written by Rian Gordon
You’ve most likely heard the idea that a marriage requires a 50/50 effort from each partner. In theory, two halves make a whole, and yet, healthy, happy, and strong relationships require more than each person committing a “one half” effort. Many people will say that instead of 50/50, partners should be giving 100/100. But what does that look like? And is it actually possible for partners to be giving 100% equal effort and to be equally all in all the time?
The short answer is… not really. But striving for equal partnership is still an important part of building a healthy and happy marriage. Here are a few ways that you and your partner can work towards creating an equal partnership in your relationship:
Don’t Keep Score
Can I let you in on a little secret? Creating equal partnership in your marriage isn’t actually about making everything exactly equal. In fact, trying to do so by keeping score for who does what, how often, how much, etc. can be really detrimental to your relationship (Benson, 2020)!
A healthier approach would be to talk together about your individual needs, and work together to make sure those needs are met. If you feel like the balance is unfair or isn’t working, talk about it! Each partner’s needs, level of effort, and capacity will fluctuate and change based on what is happening in your lives at the time.
For example, one partner may be less able to help with house work while they are working towards an advanced degree, or the other partner may help with the children in the evenings while the other takes some much needed time for self-care. Struggles with illness or mental health could also require one partner to step in and give more than their “fair share” for a time (I know that my husband has pulled WAY more than his weight when I’ve been struggling mentally or physically).
What shouldn’t change (unless it’s increasing!) is your commitment to love, serve, and help one another. Take responsibility for your own efforts, and consistently work to lift each other and to show appreciation for each other’s contributions.
Try this: Talk with your partner about your current needs and capacity to contribute to the relationship. Be open and honest with one another. Make a game plan for dividing responsibilities in a way that will enable you both to get what you need and to make sacrifices to serve each other.
When it Comes to Roles, Find What Works for You
Over the centuries, society has accumulated plenty of expectations for the division of responsibilities and roles in our relationships. Historically, many of these expectations have been dictated by gender — something that has become less and less helpful as relationships and roles have continued to change and evolve. Getting stuck in these traditional boxes can leave both men and women feeling unfair and unhealthy amounts of pressure to provide, maintain the home, raise children, sacrifice identity, etc. (Ciciolla & Luthar, 2019; Goldberg & Perry-Jenkins, 2004; Hanks, 2015; Harryson, Novo, & Hammarström, 2010).
It is important for couples today to examine their own needs and the needs of their families, and to shape their division of roles and responsibilities based on those needs. Think outside the box, and don’t feel like you have to adhere to prescribed societal expectations! Consider your own individual strengths and weaknesses, and use the unique makeup of your partnership to help you find the best fit division of responsibility for your relationship.
I would also recommend that you extend this same “outside the box” thinking to the sharing of emotional responsibilities. Traditionally, women have acted as the caretakers of the relationship, carrying the majority of the responsibility to maintain connection (Gaia, 2002). We desperately need more men who are willing to share in the responsibility of maintaining and fighting for emotional connection and intimacy in their relationships, and it is up to us to change societal patterns and expectations that make it difficult for them to do so.
Try this: Think about how your parents divided up roles and responsibilities in their relationship. What do you think worked well for them? What would you like to imitate in your relationship? What would you like to do differently? Discuss together.
Bonus Challenge: Work on being more conscious of the language you use surrounding roles and responsibility in your relationship. Check out this instagram post by Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks for some suggestions!
Make Decisions Together
A crucial element of equal partnership involves both partners feeling like they have an equal amount of decision-making power for the relationship. When both partners know that their opinions, thoughts, and desires matter, it increases the amount of satisfaction in their relationship (Knudson-Martin, 2012; Willigen, & Drentea, 2001) .
Making decisions together does not mean that you have to ask your partner permission before you make any and every decision. What it does mean is that you communicate and work together to make big decisions, like where you will live together or what job you will decide to take, as well as get on the same page about your core values that often determine your everyday decisions. How do you envision disciplining your children? When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver? What religious or spiritual practices do you hope to participate in together? As you work to align your core values, it will be easier to move in tandem with the decisions that shape your relationship and your lives.
Try this: Have a discussion about your core values and how you want them to influence the decisions you make together. Check out one of our very first posts here for some ideas of topics you can discuss together.
Ask for Each Other’s Help and Support
Finally, knowing that you are needed by your partner can increase your personal commitment and confidence in the relationship.
Reaching out to your partner for help, whether it’s help killing a hairy spider, help processing your emotions, or help studying for a test, lets them know that you need them, and develops a pattern in your relationship of relying on one another. It requires vulnerability, but asking your partner for help, and responding positively when they ask you for help, can take you one step closer to building an equal partnership together.
Check out this article here for more information on how asking your partner for help can improve your relationship!
Try this: Ask your partner to help you with something you are currently working towards. Their support could be practical or emotional, the point is that you let them know you need them!
More Than 50/50
Our marriages certainly require more than a 50/50 effort from each partner. However, a 100/100 effort isn’t necessarily what we are striving for either. What we strive for is a marriage where both partners feel equally loved and cared for, and where they feel equally responsible for the success of the relationship.
P.S. A great way to assess the strengths and weaknesses in your partnership is by taking the RELATE Assessment! This is a research-based questionnaire that can help you and your partner analyze your individual strengths and weaknesses and make a game plan for how you can improve together. Check it out here, and use our special HHP discount code RELATE50 for 50% off!
Choose one of the above ways to work on building equal partnership in your relationship this week.
References
Benson, K. (2020, September 04). 4 Marriage Myths That Cause Divorce. Retrieved September 30, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-marriage-myths-cause-divorce/
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles, 81(7-8), 467-486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
DiDonato, T. (2014, October 31). Does Your Partner Need You? Retrieved October 02, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201410/does-your-partner-need-you
Gaia, A. (2002). Understanding Emotional Intimacy: A Review of Conceptualization, Assessment and the Role of Gender. International Social Science Review, 77(3/4), 151-170. Retrieved October 3, 2020, from http://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101
Goldberg, A. E., & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2004). Division of Labor and Working-Class Women’s Well-Being Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 225–236. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.225
Hanks, J. (2015). 8 C’s of Partnership Families. Retrieved October 1, 2020, from http://www.partnershipfamilies.com/8cs
Harryson, L., Novo, M., & Hammarström, A. (2010). Is gender inequality in the domestic sphere associated with psychological distress among women and men? Results from the Northern Swedish Cohort. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 66(3), 271-276. https://doi.org/10.1136/jech.2010.109231
Knudson-Martin, C. (2012). Why Power Matters: Creating a Foundation of Mutual Support in Couple Relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5-18. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12011
Van Willigen, M., & Drentea, P. (2001). Benefits of equitable relationships: The impact of sense of fairness, household division of labor, and decision-making power on perceived social support. Sex Roles, 44, 571-597.
