We hear from many different sources about what a real man is or what a real man should be. These ideas vary from being a gym rat with giant arms, to being a soft, sweet romantic who is truly able to tap into that feminine side. With all of this conflicting noise and confusion, it can be difficult to determine what a man in marriage should be. Believe it or not, we really need both sides – the soft and the strong – to be “a real man” in marriage. At Healthy Humans project we have talked a lot to couples and women, but today, being a man myself, I want to reach out to men specifically.
The Provider
I know that this could be considered an old-fashioned way of thinking, but generally, it is a man’s responsibility to provide for his family. This being said, to be a provider does not mean only financially. It really means, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. Most men make it a priority to be able to financially provide for their families and to “bring home the bacon”, and that is fantastic. But too often men are missing out on those key opportunities to connect with their wife or kids and to be able to fulfill those additional responsibilities that come with being a provider. An example of a “connection opportunity” could be sitting with your wife after she has had a long hard day and letting her vent and showing her that you are there for her. You can also provide for her emotional and mental well-being by giving her some time for herself – particularly if you have children. Taking over kid-duty for a little while to allow her some much needed R&R will make you her hero, and truly shows that you are a real man in your marriage. And as a reminder, men aren’t their children’s babysitters. We are their fathers. A real man should be a consistent and positive presence in the lives of his children.
Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash
The Protector
Since the beginning of time, men have been fighting to protect their families, homes, and property. Now that our survival doesn’t require us to plunder another village for their food, or hunt a dangerous saber-tooth tiger, our ideas of what it means to “protect” have to shift a little bit. Men need to be ready for attacks on all fronts, whether it is an actual physical attack on our family, or a digital attack on our kids. This does not mean that we have to fight everyone. Just like in providing, protecting our families also means emotionally and mentally. This means that we have to be smart enough to understand when we should act physically, or when we should use words (let me give you a hint: in today’s society, most of the time, it’s just going to be words). This could look like us stepping up to the plate, and standing up for our marriages.
The world today doesn’t always value the sacrifice, fidelity, trust, and equal partnership that are required to build a healthy and long-lasting marriage. British politician Edmund Burke once said, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing”. In an article entitled Real Men are Warriors Who Protect by FamilyLife Co-Founder, Dennis Rainey, Dennis talks about how he and his wife protect their marriage by setting boundaries together. He says, “I’m doing battle for my marriage when I don’t meet with a woman by myself unless the door is open or there is a window so that others can observe. I do not have lunch with other woman alone. I do not travel alone in a car with other women. I copy my wife Barbara, on emails written to women, and I don’t have private conversations with women on social websites without her knowing.” As real men, we must protect the love and trust that exists within our marriages – not only in our words, but also in our actions. We need to be doing things that show the world that we are proud of our marriage like holding our wife’s hand, or opening doors for her. We need to make our relationship a priority over all else, including work.
It is incredibly important for us to be playful with our wife and kids. Play time is essential when it comes to having a healthy and happy family. One way that we can do this, is by continually dating our wives. You may have been more playful with your spouse when you dated. In her article The Importance of Being Playful Partners, Alexa Griffith, a licensed therapist and dating and romance columnist, states, “Play helps build and foster intimacy. Play works because it is a nonverbal way to communicate feelings. Playing with your partner allows for deep connections. When we play, our walls come down. Our defenses fall. We feel less threatened as the emotional intensity decreases.”
Again, thinking old-fashioned, why not try asking your wife on a date all dressed up and with a flower, rather than over text? It is important that we also get out of our comfort zone with dating our wife. This means that we are not only going to dinner and a movie, but that we are exploring and learning more about our wives through a variety of experiences. This is a fantastic way to connect and enhance our relationships. It is also so important to feel comfortable with being able to cut loose and be ourselves. Opening up to your wife and being emotionally available can really strengthen your relationship, and can help her know that you trust and love her.
A real man in marriage is not only tough or soft, but rather a mixture of both. We as men have a huge responsibility to stand up for marriage and provide for and protect our families. The spousal relationship must be the top priority in a man’s life. At the end of the day, she is the person we go to for everything – our rock.
Examine your masculinity in each of the three areas mentioned. Set one goal in each area to help you utilize your masculinity in a healthy way to benefit your relationship.
A Note: These are general assumptions about the roles that most men play in their marriages. Women are also essential in serving as an equal partner in their marriage, and as such are equally responsible for the play, protection, and financial, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being of their families. Similarly, men should play an equal part in the raising and nurturing of children. Optimal healthy marriage relationships are achieved through equal partnership.
Lee, J. Y., & Lee, S. J. (2018). Caring is masculine: Stay-at-home fathers and masculine identity. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 19(1), 47–58. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/men0000079
Leung, L. C., Chan, K. W., & Tam, K. Y. (2019). Reconstruction of masculine identities through caring practices: The experiences of male caregivers in Hong Kong. Journal of Family Issues, 40(6), 764–784. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0192513X18823820
Rainey, D. (2011). Real men are warriors who protect. Family Life.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Examine your masculinity in each of the three areas mentioned. Set one goal in each area to help you utilize your masculinity in a healthy way to benefit your relationship.
