Cover Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Written by McKay Strong
Becoming a parent for the first time is an exciting new experience in someone’s life. When a couple welcomes a child (or children) into their world together, it can also test a relationship.
“At The Gottman Institute, where Drs. John and Julie Gottman have been studying relationship health for over 40 years, the research shows that 67% of couples report a decline in relationship happiness for up to three years after the birth of the first child. As the focus shifts towards the baby and couples spend less time focused on one another, romance and intimacy decline while depression and hostility rise. New parents need help finding better ways to cope and manage the transition more effectively. They yearn to enjoy their new baby and be happy as a couple” (Edelmire 2021).
In their book And Baby Makes Three, John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman discuss six steps for preserving marital intimacy after the baby arrives. Here are a few of those tricks — and a few of our own — that we recommend implementing in order to keep your relationship strong once your bouncing bundle of joy arrives:
Discuss Expectations
There are a lot of expectations surrounding parenthood, but as you approach this new chapter in your life, how have you pictured your partner’s role alongside you? What do you expect of them in regards to responsibilities? Are there things you have to do yourself? Are there maybe even things you refuse to do at all? Our first tip is to discuss what your expectations are, and, if possible, to discuss them before Baby arrives. (If Baby is already here, don’t worry! Now is a great time to discuss what you expected, and maybe how reality has been different!) It is perfectly acceptable to have expectations with how your roles as parents may impact your relationship, but it’s important to communicate those expectations to your partner, instead of just assuming that you are on the same page.
Additionally, we suggest learning more about attachment styles and pinpointing what your attachment style is as well as your partner’s. With “a combination of perspective taking and empathic concern for one’s romantic partner” (Rosen, Mooney, & Muise), you can help facilitate your romantic relationship during the transition to parenthood.
Learn How to Bring Up Problems
This could be its own article, but problems will arise in your relationship. They may be directly related to parenting, and they may not. The trick, according to the Gottmans, is to “soften how you bring up a problem” (Gottman & Gottman, 2008). Softening the start-up of your arguments is crucial to resolving conflicts in your relationship. It is healthy to fight or disagree, but there are ways to best go about this. You can complain, but the secret is to not initially place blame. Make “I” statements, rather than “You” statements.
For example, “I feel…” rather than “You did this…”
It’s important to be aware of your body language as well. What are you saying to your partner, non-verbally? Are you an eye-roller? Your body language could be tearing down what you are verbally communicating behind the scenes.
It all comes down to your approach: if you start out with criticism, your partner will likely immediately go into defense mode. Instead of coming at your partner with “You never watch the baby,” try saying, “I feel like I am the only one chasing the baby today.” Rather than lashing out at you, your partner will be more likely to consider your point of view and what needs you are trying to communicate to them.
Stay Good Friends
Being responsible for a tiny human being can put a lot of stress on a relationship. Sometimes it’s hard not to take yourself too seriously. But these new experiences as first-time parents should be cherished! It’s okay to laugh at yourself, and in fact, we recommend it! Did the baby poop on you? Laugh about it together. These shared experiences help create the foundation of a strong relationship. Besides, before there was Baby, there was you and your partner. That doesn’t have to change. It’s safe to assume that you and your partner are friends, or at least you were at some point. Don’t take things too seriously and maintain your friendship. Lighten up, and don’t forget that as a team, you are better together. Being a parent can be fun! You brought this life into your family together, and you should be able to enjoy that together.
Make Time for Sex
Let’s face the facts: research shows that new parents face a decline in sex and intimacy (Edelmire 2021). Caring for a baby that needs feeding every couple of hours, changing every couple of hours, soothing almost always, and, basically, constant attention, can make it hard to have time for sex. (Never mind the physical changes a woman who has recently birthed a baby may be experiencing.) If you need to schedule time for sex, schedule it. These are unprecedented times for your relationship, so your sex life may need to look a little different than it did before Baby arrived.
It is not uncommon for a decrease in desire for sex to occur as well. Many parents feel “touched out” or disconnected from their partner. Changes in a woman’s body can also lead to body image issues, which in turn can lead to less desire for sex. All of these changes can cause tension or frustration in a relationship. Whatever the reason may be, it is important to discuss these things with your partner. If they know where you are coming from, that is the first step to maintaining your sexual relationship.
Which brings us to this week’s Personal Practice…
If you are a new parent, or even just expecting, spend 10 minutes a day this week checking in on your partner. Remember, emotional connection = intimate connection.
What each of these steps we mentioned really boils down to is communication. Being able to communicate your wants, needs, feelings, interpretation of events, and even being able to discuss problems properly will help you to not only maintain your relationship but strengthen it. This new chapter of your lives is a sweet adventure you are taking together, and although it may seem intimidating at times, it is possible to enjoy the journey right alongside your partner.
References
Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). Romantic relationships take a dive after baby arrives (according to research). Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/romantic-relationships-take-a-dive-after-baby-arrives-according-to-research/
Eldemire, April. (2021, February 04). 3 tips for couples to stay connected after baby. Retrieved March 23, 2021, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2008). And baby makes three: The six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance after baby arrives. Harmony.
Rosen, N., Mooney, K., & Muise, A. (2017). Dyadic Empathy Predicts Sexual and Relationship Well-Being in Couples Transitioning to Parenthood. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43, 543 – 559.
Van Scheppingen, Manon & Denissen, Jaap & Chung, Joanne & Tambs, Kristian & Bleidorn, Wiebke. (2017). Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction During the Transition to Motherhood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 114. 10.1037/pspp0000156.
McKay Strong
