Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels
Written by Rian Gordon
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?”
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom.
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood.
1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role
Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”.
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love.
Try this:
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Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
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Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
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Schedule time for intentional self-care
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Read my article “Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt” for more information
2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right
One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue.
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018).
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
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Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
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Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
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What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
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If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
If you want more information on being a working mom specifically, check out my article “To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom”.
3. Your other relationships still matter
Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
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Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
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Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
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Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
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Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games
4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions
You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity!
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same.
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity.
Try this:
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Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
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Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
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Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming
5. Remember: There is a time and a season
While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most.
Try this:
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Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
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Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
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Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience
Conclusion
It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!
References
Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Gordon, R. N. (2018, October 13). To work or not to work: What the research says about being a stay-at-home mom. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/to-work-or-not-to-work-what-the-research-says-about-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
