Love is Spelled T-I-M-E

Written by Rian Gordon

Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 5

When it comes to relationships, time is money – especially if Quality Time is your love language. Here are a few different ways that you can invest your time towards building a strong and healthy relationship:

Quality Activities

Taking the time to really BE together can help your significant other truly feel loved. Doing things with each other that you enjoy expresses a desire to have fun together, and to give each other your undivided attention. When it comes to quality activities, Dr. Chapman says, “The emphasis is not on what you are doing, but on WHY you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling ‘[They] care about me. [They] were willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and [they] did it with a positive attitude.’” (Chapman, p. 68) Along with this, Dr. Chapman lists 3 essential ingredients for a quality activity:

1. At least one of you wants to do it.

2. The other is willing to do it.

3. Both of you know why you are doing it – to express love by being together.

Quality Conversation

Doing things together isn’t the only way to speak the language of quality time. Your time can also be well-spent in having quality conversations with your partner. Quality conversations involve the mutual sharing of “experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.” (Chapman, p. 60) Note that this type of conversation is different from the love language Words of Affirmation. Where words of affirmation focuses on what you are saying to your partner, the art of quality conversation is rooted in listening. Taking the time to truly listen empathetically to your partner, and sharing in their thoughts and feelings can increase understanding between you and can help strengthen your relationship and love for each other.

If you struggle with this kind of connection and with sharing your own thoughts and feelings, know that having quality conversations is a learnable skill. Dr. Chapman recommends establishing a daily sharing time where each partner talks about three things that happened to them throughout the day, and how they felt about each of those things. It could be when you both get home from work, at the dinner table, when you lay down to go to bed, etc. He calls this quality conversation time the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage. The more you practice sharing what you are thinking and feeling, the more comfortable you will become with quality conversation.

A Thought on Technology

While technology can be a helpful way to stay in touch with others, it can really get in the way of true connection. It’s important to realize that the key to quality time is giving your undivided attention. Even when our phones are in our pockets, on vibrate, or even face-down on the table they can still distract us from giving our true undivided attention to our partners. Having your phone out when you are trying to give your partner quality time sends the message (even if it’s unintentional) that what is going on somewhere else is more important to you than they are (for more information on this subject, see the references below).

I know it isn’t realistic to say you will NEVER have your phone on you when you are trying to participate in quality time with your partner. However, I would recommend setting aside some time to unplug and put away the technology for even just a little while (my husband and I just recently made a rule to have no phones at the table). That time to give your full undivided attention to those you love will make a world of a difference.

Make Time

We are all busy, and it can seem tricky to find enough time for quality moments together. However, if your partner speaks this specific love language, intentionally making room for time together is essential. Don’t feel like it always has to be for hours at a time – remember the language is quality time, not quantity time! Taking a few minutes to really connect every day will make a huge difference. Dr. Chapman says, “We make time (for quality connection) just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health.” (Chapman, p. 69)

Choose TODAY to connect with your partner through quality time!

References:

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #2: Quality Time. In The 5 love languages (pp. 55-72). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Brain Drain: The Mere Presence of One’s Own Smartphone Reduces Available Cognitive Capacity

Study: Smartphones are distracting us even when we aren’t looking at them

Addiction to Technology is Ruining Lives – Simon Sinek on Inside Quest

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.