Cover photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash
Written by Dray Salcido
“Love is the strangest, most illogical thing in the world.” -Jennifer E. Smith
Love is my middle name. No, seriously. I’ve always felt weird admitting that, because it seemed cheesy and somehow presumptuous. But, I’ve gained an appreciation for my name now. It is a reminder of the most important human capacity: to love. A lot has been written about love. It’s all conflicting and cliché, but true. This new year is a chance to bring what we’ve learned from 2020 into the present, and live truer, more beautiful lives. If you have any resolution, let it be love.
Don’t Judge it…
Poets and artists have described love in many ways. There is great love, brotherly love, true love, unrequited love, good love, passionate love, platonic love, real love, parental love, etc. A person’s feelings are real and their own. No one else can claim or define them. It’s been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. So, if you feel an emotion other than apathy, perhaps it’s love. Rather than asking ourselves what is love, ask what feels real and true for me? (Doyle, 2020).
Some loves we have no control over; our love is taken from us. Like a pet, high school sweetheart, or new born baby. And others we choose and keep choosing, like a spouse or long time friend. Does love at first sight exist? Maybe. Can you be in love and not know it? Perhaps. Do kindred spirits, soul-mates and bosom friends exist? It’s possible. Understanding love isn’t what matters. What matters is that we don’t let the mystery and uncertainty of our feelings keep us from living and loving.
Don’t Stop It…
I recently read the following from the novel Possession which said, “My Solitude is my Treasure, the best thing I have. I hesitate to go out. If you opened the little gate, I would not hop away – but oh how I sing in my gold cage” (Byatt, 2012). Sometimes we put ourselves in cages, because it feels safer. We keep ourselves from feeling as a way to avoid future disappointment. Brené Brown calls this “foreboding joy” (Brown, 2015). Joy might be the most vulnerable emotion we experience because of the underlying dread that those feelings will end. We were never meant to feel good or safe all of the time. Most of us know this, but we tend to forget when the fear is intense. Stop trying to beat vulnerability to the punch, and be present. It’s okay to be deeply disappointed, just as it is okay to be wildly in love.
Don’t Force It…
Have you ever stayed in a romantic relationship because it “made sense”? Your family loved them. You had a lot in common. Or, you just couldn’t think of a “good enough” reason to part ways. Maybe you’ve maintained friendships based on history, or you felt you’d be a bad person if you allowed yourself to drift apart. Sometimes we force love and relationships because we are too afraid to be alone or worried about what others will think. Don’t allow shame and insecurity to call the shots anymore. Because love makes no sense, it’s important to listen to your gut. Intuition is the best guide through the magical mess of love.
It was William Goldman who said, “Love is many things, none of them logical.” Love lies in the mystical, magical and creative realm. It is not born from or found among the critics or analysts. That’s not to say logic and reason are invalid. In fact, they help us make meaning and can improve our dysfunctional relationships. I mean love itself cannot be measured, replicated, collected, bought, controlled, analyzed or fully understood. Let go and embrace the beautiful ambiguity that is loving.
Let go of fear and doubt. Inhibition just slows us down. Choose to believe that people are naturally good and believe in love. Stop over-thinking and perfecting, and just enjoy your life. Be so intoxicated with living, and in love with who you are. Give that joy to others, and love without condition. Then notice the colors that fill in the cracks as you watch your life transform.
1) When you forebode joy, breathe and remind yourself that you want to live big and claim your life; you will no longer be controlled by scarcity and fear.
2) Say “I love you” more often.
3) Get creative. Paint, write, dance, etc. Express yourself. Do more of what you love.
4) If you have your life all planned out, be flexible and let go of the parts that keep you from enjoying the present.
References
Brown, B. (2015) Rising strong. Random House.
Byatt, A. S. (2012) Possession: A romance. Random House.
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Belichi Ogugua.
Dray Salcido
