Let’s Have Some Fun

*A little fun during our maternity photo shoot… photo by Anne Healey Photography

Written by Rian Gordon

When you are dating, your relationship typically centers on having fun together. You plan activities that you enjoy doing, and you are entirely focused on helping each other have a good time. When you have been together for a long time, that focus on fun tends to slip away. You have other things to worry about – bills, kids, work, school… the list could go on and on! However, fun isn’t just something that is nice to have in our relationships. We NEED fun in order to have a thriving and fulfilling marriage or partnership. Research shows that fun helps us to better deal with the stresses and challenges of daily life, and that couples who have meaningful fun together stay together longer (Munro 2011; Van Vleet et al., 2019).

What Is Meaningful Fun?

Fun can come in all shapes and sizes. However, simply participating in activities that are considered “fun” won’t necessarily improve your relationship. Just because you go skydiving or out to a fancy party together doesn’t mean that you are having meaningful fun. Meaningful fun should bring you closer together as a couple. Mutuality is important here – try looking for activities that you both enjoy doing. Meaningful fun should also help to deepen the trust and love in your relationship. It should help you get to know each other better as both of you grow and change over time. It’s about creating memories and building your relationship.  

Remember that it’s also okay to just be silly! Your fun doesn’t have to be ‘serious’ (if fun is ever TOO serious, you might be doing it wrong!) in order to be meaningful. For example, one night, my husband and I were wondering what to do. We had gotten into the habit of coming home from class and work and watching tv. While this wasn’t the worst thing we could be doing, we had gotten into a bit of a rut as far as creating opportunities to experience meaningful fun together. That night, we had already watched a movie, and we didn’t want to get stuck in our usual routine. We thought for a minute, and my husband made a suggestion: “Do you want to draw faces on our chins and film ourselves singing?” I burst out laughing, and heartily agreed. It sounds ridiculous, but this turned into a hilarious night of fun that I will never forget. Mark and I were able to laugh together, and to use our creativity to make other people laugh as well (the videos were promptly shared to Facebook, receiving rave reviews).

Here’s a little sample of that evening for your viewing pleasure:

The important thing is to relax and practice. Creating opportunities for, and having meaningful fun comes easier the more you do it.

Fun-Killers (Real vs. Imagined)

There are several roadblocks that can really get in the way of having fun together with our partner. However, there are also a few “imaginary” roadblocks that we may feel like are getting in the way of our fun, when in reality, a simple paradigm shift will take care of them. Let’s take a look at a few of these real and imagined roadblocks.

Monotony (Real): Our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to variety (think about the game “one of these things is not like the other”). Therefore, by introducing even just a little variety into your fun, you can help yourself to feel and become more invested and engaged in your relationship. It’s okay to think small on this one –  variety doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant in order to be effective. For example, instead of making love at night, try waking up a little early and do it in the morning; Instead of settling in to watch Netflix after work, pull out a board game; Try a new restaurant for your weekly dinner-date, etc. These small changes can make a big difference in how you experience fun.

Threats to Safety (Real): In order to have fun, we have to feel at ease. Threats to physical, emotional, and/or commitment safety can really get in the way of being able to relax and have fun together. These threats can be big or small – regardless, avoiding these threats and creating a safe space to laugh and have fun together is essential to creating meaningful experiences.

Money (Imagined): Many of us often mix up having lots of money with being able to have lots of fun. This is a misconception. While saving up and paying for a big fun vacation to a dream-destination or a concert by your spouse’s favorite band can certainly add to your relationship (and I would certainly recommend using your money wisely so you can occasionally invest in those types of fun), you do not have to constantly spend lots of money in order to create opportunities for fun. See below for a list of inexpensive ideas of fun things to do together with your partner

Time (Imagined): The most common excuse for a lack of fun in a relationship is being “too busy”. When we care about something, however, we are much more likely to make it a priority, and to make time for it in our day. Remember that having meaningful fun together can improve your relationship! If you don’t feel that you have enough time for spontaneous fun, take some time at the beginning of your week to schedule out some designated fun time with your spouse. This can take shape in a weekly date, after the kids are in bed, or even instead of scrolling through Facebook on your phone when you first wake up! Start small, and MAKE time for fun.

Ideas

We know it can sometimes be hard to come up with new ways to have fun together, so we’ve compiled a list of some of our own personal favorites!

• Download John and Julie Gottman’s FREE “Gottman Card Decks” app, and take turns asking each other open-ended questions

• Go stargazing

• Go to a museum

• Challenge your spouse to your favorite board game

• Read out loud together (if it’s a book that requires voices, DO THEM)

• Bake together (if you’re feeling flirty, try wearing nothing but aprons…)

• Go to the library or bookstore and play Bookface (Mark and I loved doing this one – follow the link here to find instructions)

• Go disco skating at your local roller rink

• Go to a Nickel Arcade

• Go on a picnic and fly kites

• Have a campout in your living room (tent and smores included!)

• Draw portraits of each other (they can be as accurate or as abstract as you’d like!)

• Go to the library or bookstore and find each other’s favorite childhood books – read them together

• Experiment Making cocktails or mocktails together

• Try a new restaurant

• Go fishing

• Go camping

• Go furniture shopping…or furniture dreaming

• Attend a play

• Build a gingerbread house (Richard and Aubrey-Dawn once made a 3’x2′ gingerbread house, complete with a swimming pool, garage and tennis court… You can use the leftover frosting for a little more naked fun!)

• Help out at a food bank or soup kitchen.

• Go dancing!

References

Algoe, S. B. (2019). Positive interpersonal processes. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 28(2), 183–188. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0963721419827272

Van Vleet, M., Helgeson, V. S., & Berg, C. A. (2019). The importance of having fun: Daily play among adults with type I diabetes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3695-3710. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0265407519832115

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.