There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get through to someone, and feeling like you are speaking two completely different languages – especially when that person is your partner! One of the most fundamental of our basic human needs is to feel understood, and when we feel like that isn’t happening with the person who should understand us most, it can be devastating.
Difficulty with communication is a fairly common problem among romantic couples (Brashier & Hughes, 2012). One of the reasons for this is because there are many different parts of communication. There are the actual words that are spoken, someone’s intent behind the words (what they really mean/want to say), the body language or other signals that take place when we try to communicate with someone, etc. All of these different parts of communication have to be interpreted correctly by a listener in order for understanding to occur! It’s no wonder that so much can get lost in translation, especially when we are just learning how to communicate well with our partner.
One essential piece of healthy communication is EMPATHY. This is what allows us to feel loved and understood by our partner, even when we may still disagree on what is being said. Having empathy requires us to take a step back, really listen to what is being said, validate our partner’s experience, and step into their shoes in order to feel with them. This is obviously much easier said than done, but hopefully by the end of this post, you will have a better idea of how you can include the language of empathy in your conversations with your loved one.
Before you do anything else, I would recommend watching this video by researcher Brené Brown. It’s one of my favorites, and I think she does an excellent job of explaining what empathy looks like!
The first step to learning the language of empathy is listening. This seems like a pretty obvious key to healthy communication, but we as a society aren’t always very good at putting it into practice. I am definitely guilty of this myself. When I am speaking with someone, I often find myself worrying about what I am going to say next, or even worse, I feel my mind wandering to something not even relevant to the current conversation. Life is busy, and it’s easy to get distracted when we have so many different things to worry about (work, kids, school, etc.). But in order for our partner to feel loved and understood, they HAVE to know that we are actively listening to what they are saying!
Photo from pexels.com
There are several things we can do to help improve our listening:
Body language –Just the act of looking like you are listening will actually improve your ability to listen! Practice demonstrating body language that will show your partner that you are listening to them such as maintaining eye contact, facing the person who is talking, having an open posture (try to avoid folding your arms or slouching over), and giving responsive cues such as nodding. If physical touch is important or comforting to your partner, feel free to incorporate that into your conversation by holding their hand, or giving a hug (if your partner is not very touchy-feely, be aware of and respectful of that fact, and only touch them if they would like you to).
Give the speaker your full attention – In our world today, distractions that can take us away from a conversation are usually right at our fingertips. Taking measures such as putting away (or even turning off) your phone, turning off the tv, or closing your laptop can help your partner know that you really care about what they have to say. This step is especially important when you are trying to discuss something serious or difficult.
Don’t think about your upcoming response – While your partner is talking (especially about something sensitive), it can be easy to find yourself thinking about what you are going to say next. Whether it’s an experience you’ve had that is similar to theirs, advice that you want to give, or even a defensive remark to protest a concern that they have expressed. It can be difficult, but staying in the moment and not worrying about how you will respond can help increase the level of understanding in a conversation, and can even help you give more relevant feedback and responses when it is your turn to talk!
Practice reflective listening – This is a technique that can help you and your partner make sure that you are on the same page, and that you are each hearing what the other is trying to say. After your partner has finished expressing a thought, respond by saying, “So what I’m hearing you say is…”, and reflect back to them in your own words what you have heard. If you have understood correctly, then you can continue with the conversation. If not, work on filling in the gap in understanding.
Ask clarifying questions – Because communication is so multi-faceted, it can be really helpful to ask questions that will clarify what your partner is trying to say, particularly when you feel there is misunderstanding. It can also be a great way to check in, and let the other person know that you are hearing them. Make sure you do so at an appropriate time, and try to avoid interrupting.
While listening is the first step towards true understanding, it is not enough to make us fluent in the language of empathy. Brené Brown explains the next key to empathy very well in her video. Validating our partner’s experiences and feelings is essential in helping them feel understood and cared for. To validate someone’s feelings means to let them know that what they are experiencing and feeling is acceptable to you, and that it’s alright if they are struggling. When someone is experiencing feelings of hurt or hopelessness, knowing that it’s okay for them to be feeling the way they are can bring immense relief and peace – even if those feelings don’t go away immediately. We all struggle, and feeling like we are not alone is one of the biggest reasons that understanding is so important.
Image from “Brené Brown on Empathy” video
That being said, we may not feel that we are qualified to validate someone’s feelings, or we may find it difficult to do so, particularly if we’ve never experienced what they are going through. This is where perspective-taking comes into play. Try to imagine if you were in that person’s shoes, and think about what it would feel like to be in their situation. If you believe that they are being irrational or that they are overreacting, DON’T SAY SO. It doesn’t matter! The goal of understanding often requires us to let judgments go, and simply feel with our partner. Allow them to express themselves, and let them know that you care about what they are experiencing.
Finally, when someone expresses to us a concern that they have, or something difficult they are going through, we often feel like we have to present to them a solution to the problem. The language of empathy doesn’t require us to have to “fix” what our partner is feeling! As a matter of fact, attempting to fix the problem can get in the way of our ability to understand and feel understood. Here’s a funny video that illustrates this very problem:
When your partner expresses a struggle they are going through, FIRST express empathy, and then ASK if they would like help in solving the problem. If the answer is a no, let it be, and simply let them know that you are there for them.
Photo by Taylor Hernandez on Unsplash
When we speak the language of empathy in our romantic relationships, they can become a safe place for us to go when we need love, support, and help. I encourage you to establish patterns of trust and empathy in your own relationship so that you can be that safe place for your partner! Remember to listen, validate, and feel with them, and don’t feel like you have to “fix” what they are going through, because,
“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown
References
Brashier, E., & Hughes, J. L. (2012). Examining relationships: Communication and satisfaction in lesbian and heterosexual women. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 17(2), 80–85.
Caldwell, P. (2013). Intensive interaction: Using body language to communicate. Journal on Developmental Disabilities, 19(1), 33–39.
Jones, A. C., Jones, R. L., & Morris, N. (2018). Development and validation of the Couples Communication Satisfaction Scale. American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(5), 505–524. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2019.1566874
Van Sickel, E. (2019, July 22). Empathy in the face of vulnerability: Responding to authentic communication — Restored hope counseling services. 734.656.8191. https://www.restoredhopecounselingservices.com/blog/2017/6/1/empathy-in-the-face-of-vulnerability-responding-to-authentic-communication
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
