What’s really getting in the way of your relationship?
A few months ago, I had a conversation about snapchat that completely changed the way I view trust. (For context… snapchat is a cell phone app that allows you to send short messages with pictures or videos. Each message lasts for 3-10 seconds. Once you have viewed the message, it disappears. Gone forever, never to be seen again.)
Now, at this point, you are probably wondering how I could possibly make a meaningful connection between snapchat and trust in our relationships. And to be honest, I don’t blame you, it is a little bit of a stretch…
Here’s the story…
I was lounging on the couch one evening, grilling a friend about the status of his relationship. For the sake of the story and to maintain anonymity, we will call him “John”. John and his lovely lady had been dating for a fair amount of time, and to me, things seemed to be going pretty well. Yet something was troubling him, I could tell, and the social scientist in me HAD to find the root of the issue! I can be quite relentless.
John’s girlfriend, “Jenny” is a beautiful socialite who is loved by many. She has a great following on social media, and can often be found snapchatting several different people – both guys and girls. As you can probably imagine, after quite some time dating, John expected that her frequent snapchat conversations with other guys would slow down or even stop. They hadn’t though, and it was really starting to get to him. To me, his concerns were definitely valid, but I had a hard time believing that snapchat was the real source of the problem.
“I just wish she would delete her snapchat!” He said in response to some probing question I had asked. “I think I would feel so much better if she just deleted it. I hate snapchat, and I don’t even get why people use it, it is so dumb!”
I could definitely feel the frustration, confusion and fear that he was experiencing, and I desperately wanted to get to the real core of the issue. After a few moments of processing it finally clicked.
“John, it’s NOT about snapchat.” I said, probably cutting him off in the middle of his snapchat rant.
“Snapchat is not what is really bothering you. Think about it, you have had a few experiences in your life that have made it difficult for you to trust the girls you date. Snapchat is the trigger, not the cause of what you are feeling. It’s not about snapchat, it’s about trust.”
From that point on, I have thought frequently about the power of trust in our relationships. As I spoke about in our “six aspects of a healthy relationship” post and video, trust is the number one most desirable quality looked for in a partner.
Photo from Unsplash
Taking a closer look at trust
Trust or mistrust can surface in many different ways. In John’s case, the fear and lack of trust manifested itself in frustration geared toward a silly phone app. But deleting the app wasn’t going to solve the REAL issue at hand. Where there is a lack of trust, seemingly small decisions can quickly turn into catastrophic events if we don’t take a step back and think about the real source of what we are feeling. So what do we do? How do we recognize the amount of trust that we have, and build the trust that we are lacking in our relationships?
Leading relationship researcher, John Gottman describes (in the video I will link below) how to build trust in our relationships. I wanted to finish this post with some of John Gottman’s “trust building” ideas and an acronym he created to help us remember these points. I encourage you to think about and practice these things often in your relationships.
Photo by Charlie Foster on Unsplash
The word of the day is ATTUNE
The dictionary definition of attune is to “make receptive or aware, or to make harmonious.” This to me, is a perfect word to remember when it comes to building trust.
Awareness of your partner’s emotion
Turning toward the emotion
Tolerance of two different viewpoints
Understanding your partner
Non-defensive responses to your partner
Empathy in your responses
Good things take time
As we take the steps to “ATTUNE” to our partner, we will need to be patient and open about the timing and results. Remember, good things take time. If trust is what you want, then you are going to have to work to earn your partner’s trust and then seek it for yourself. Keep your promises and their secrets. Make sure to communicate often, and in person. Try to let down your walls and be vulnerable. Be forgiving and work on bettering yourself in healthy ways.
I promise that slowly but surely, your relationship will begin to transform, and you will realize just as I did, that “it’s not about snapchat.”
Merriam-Webster (n.d.). Citation. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December 22, 2020, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/attune
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
