Cover Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
Written by Matthew T. Saxey, Brigham Young University
We’ve all seen the movie: prince or princess charming meets their perfect match. And then, wouldn’t you know it, together, the two live “happily ever after.” But real life doesn’t always work that way.
While relationships can bring many unique benefits, entering a relationship does not solve every problem. Unfortunately, avoiding the common ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mentality can be a challenge in and of itself.
A recent study suggests that getting married to the idea of marriage, or a committed relationship, can help form a foundation for a healthy relationship long before you actually enter into one (Marks & Dollahite, 2017). Here are three ways to avoid the “happily ever after” mindset and to help begin dating your future relationship.
Becoming vs. Finding
A popular phrase about relationships is that ‘opposites attract.’ Although it may be true of some personalities, researcher Jason Carroll has found that more often, we are attracted to people with a similar character (Carroll, 2018). But too often, Carroll explains, people approach creating a lasting relationship by seeking their one true ‘soulmate’ (Brooksby, 2020; Carroll, 2018). This focus on a ‘finding’ approach to dating misses out on emphasizing personal growth and development (Carroll, 2018).
In other words, by spending time finding a “soulmate,” we may not recognize or work toward becoming more prepared to be an exemplary partner. When someone focuses on becoming a better person even before entering a relationship (Carroll, 2018), they are actually improving—and you might say ‘dating’—their relationship before it has even begun.
Financial Management
Another common idea is that money makes the relationship: finding a ‘sugar mama’ or a ‘sugar daddy’ to finance your lifestyle is the ticket to a good relationship. Money does matter but not in the way that we often imagine. Research indicates that sound financial management—rather than overall income—leads to increased individual happiness (Spuhler & Dew, 2019) and relationship satisfaction (Archuleta et al., 2013).
If financial literacy and management are not developed prior to beginning a relationship, it may become more difficult to supplement healthy money habits once the relationship has begun. Sound financial management such as paying bills on time, keeping a record of monthly expenses, staying within a budget or spending plan, etc. (Dew & Xiao, 2011) should begin well before entering into a relationship. Consider dating your future relationship now by developing financial management through things like budgeting apps or learning and applying knowledge from reputable money management advisors.
Knowledge about Sex
Leaning from reputable sources about sex can help you create or develop healthy sexual attitudes. Without having healthy sexual attitudes, achieving sexual satisfaction in a marriage or committed relationship can be more difficult (Carroll, 2018).
In a sexualized culture with pervasive access to technology, consumption of pornography has become common. Data from 2014 suggest that 46% of men and 16% of women in the US between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week (Regnerus et al., 2016). And, unfortunately, this common pornography use can lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes (Brown et al., 2017; Nakai, 2016).
Another reason pornography use might be harmful comes from 30 national surveys that together show that when pornography use is associated with relationship quality, pornography use is almost always a signal of poorer relationship quality (Perry, 2020). To start or continue dating your relationship, avoid or overcome pornography by replacing it with healthy sexual attitudes and scripts. To do so, consider learning from reputable sexual health sources such as Sexual Wholeness in Marriage or A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex.
Dating—And Even Marrying—Your Relationship
As you focus on becoming—rather than just finding “the perfect person”—you may also start developing better financial literacy and management and cultivating healthy attitudes about sex that support your relationship. While addressing these three areas may be particularly helpful in preparing for a lasting future bond, progress in other areas might also be needed.
Consider taking time to reflect about what you might want in a future partner, and assess whether you yourself have or are developing those same things (Carroll, 2018). As you continue dating your future relationship, avoid the ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mindset. That way, when you do eventually commit*, you will be wedded to the relationship of your dreams as well (Marks & Dollahite, 2017).
* A note from the Editor:
I love Matthew’s article and agree wholeheartedly with his suggestions. That said, and Matthew agrees, it is worth noting that not everyone will get married, either by choice or by circumstance—and that is okay! Each person’s path is different. As I’ve made similar decisions in my life thus far—to become the kind of person I’d like to marry, to work to improve my finances, and to cultivate healthy sexuality—the benefits have been immediate. I hope to find someone to share my life with someday, but even if I never do, I am so grateful to have built a life I love for myself.– Allie Barnes, Editor & Writer at Healthy Humans Project, Single & Happy 32-year-old Woman
Identify a section from the article that you’d like to work on this week. Single or not, we can all be more aware and knowledgeable about these areas of life.
References
Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2013.766296
Brooksby, A. (2020) “Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?,” Family Perspectives, 1(2). https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol1/iss2/6
Brown, C. C., Conner, S., & Vennum, A. (2017). Sexual attitudes of classes of college students who use pornography. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(8), 463–469. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0362
Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass. BYU Academic Publishing.
Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22, 43-59.
Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. New York: Routledge.
Nakai, K. (2016). A qualitative exploration on sexual scripts and sexual self-esteem among young adults with a rationale for a media-literacy program on pornography. Doctoral Dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology.
Perry, S. L. (2020). Pornography and relationship quality: Establishing the dominant pattern by examining pornography use and 31 measures of relationship quality in 30 national surveys. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1199-1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7
Regnerus, M., Gordon, D., & Price, J. (2016). Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 873–881. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886
Spuhler, B. K., & Dew, J. (2019). Sound Financial Management and Happiness: Economic Pressure and Relationship Satisfaction as Mediators. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 30(2), 157-174. https://doi.org/10.1891/1052-3073.30.2.157
Matthew
