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Written by Dray Salcido
“Self trust is the essence of heroism.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have you ever struggled to keep commitments to yourself? Do you often experience regret? Do you feel confused about what choices to make? Do you wonder if you’ll ever get it right? Do you need more validation than feels normal or healthy? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may struggle with self doubt. Believing ourselves seems nonsensical to our conditioning. Perhaps you’ve been told “people are inherently selfish”, or “women are emotional, so they can’t trust their decision making”, or “people are fickle; incapable of trust” and so on. Not only are these ideas fallible, but they also encourage and perpetuate self doubt. Even statements intended to motivate can often create despair and mistrust in our own worth and capabilities. The following addresses why trusting ourselves is the best thing we can do for ourselves and those around us, and how to cultivate more self trust in ourselves.
Honestly
We’re actually more trustworthy when we first trust ourselves. Literature explains that people who are blunt, straightforward and authentic have more of the public trust than those who say the right things or people-please (Carnegie, 1964). This may be because trustworthy people own what they feel. They set boundaries by expressing what is and isn’t okay with them. Trustworthy people accept the fact that they have needs. When we’re transparent with our own selves, it translates to other people as well. This congruence demonstrates to others that we’ll be real with them, because we’re first real with ourselves. Not only does authenticity promote self trust but, in one study, was found to be the strongest indicator for relationship satisfaction (Snyder, 1996).
Part of being honest is knowing your limits. The term “self care” might seem like a trendy phrase people say to over indulge, i.e. “treat yo self.” But it really is important to take care of and meet your needs. You can’t draw from an empty well. When you’re not taking care of yourself first, you cannot appropriately meet the needs of others. Self care is self trust in action. Showing yourself that you have your own back.
Mindfully
Take time to be still. Pay attention, on purpose, to what thoughts flood into your head, what emotions arise in your heart and what sensations come into your body. Notice without judgement. One study concluded that implementing a mindfulness practice, such as meditation, to an individual’s daily living both decreased stress and “increased self-trust” (Ager et. al, 2015). Feel your way through the mess. Notice what thoughts you have when you question yourself. Notice how it feels to not trust yourself vs. how it feels when you do. Remember that the brain will find reasons to validate your beliefs. If you believe that you shouldn’t trust yourself, ask yourself “why not?” You can decide you’re worth trusting.
Intuitively
Anatole France once said, “In art as in love, instinct is enough.” Truly, our gut usually knows what’s best. Our mind and heart speak to our soul. Our intuition is our best guide. Understand that the entire purpose for emotions is to guide and give feedback. Distrusting your own experience is the most illogical thing you could do, because we all have an inner knowing. Practice listening and get reacquainted with your instinct. This can be done through conversations with a loved one or keeping a journal. And if you make a mistake, it might as well be your own, rather than someone else’s.
Give space to feel your feelings. Choose your sources of advice carefully. Follow your gut instincts. Develop a mindful and spiritual practice. Remember that when we consider ourselves the experts of our own experiences, we empower ourselves. And remember that we all have an inner knowing. Practice listening to your wants and needs, and honestly express them to those around you. You’ll come to find that instinct is enough.
This week, spend time journaling. Research shows that journaling helps us make connections in a way that can increase self trust (Epp, 2008). Be authentic with yourself and others. Remember that, like any good thing, practice and time will get you there. Trust is earned in drops in buckets, and self-trust is the same.
References
Ager, K., Albrecht, N. J., & Cohen, M. (2015). Mindfulness in schools research project: Exploring students’ perspectives of mindfulness-What are students’ perspectives of learning mindfulness in practices at school?. Psychology, 6(07), 896.
Carnegie, D. (1964). How to win friends and influence people. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Epp, S. (2008). The value of reflective journaling in undergraduate nursing education: A literature review. International journal of nursing studies, 45(9), 1379-1388.
Snyder, M. J. (1996). Honesty in interpersonal relationships (Doctoral dissertation, University of Connecticut).
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
