Family time is something that is important to so many of us, especially when it comes to the holidays. Spending time together baking, playing games, and creating traditions and memories largely contribute to why we personally love this season so much. In fact, these family traditions are a very important part of developing family identity and family unity (Fiese, et al., 2002), creating emotional security for children (Spagnola, & Fiese, 2007), and even increasing marital satisfaction (Fiese, et al., 2002)! However, managing time with family can be a real headache when you are in a serious relationship – particularly if you don’t get along well with the in-laws. Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the time you spend together with your families of origin (the family you grew up in) all year round.
Show Gratitude
Planning family get-togethers takes a lot of effort. Coordinating schedules, food, and activities can be quite a difficult task, especially as families grow exponentially over the years. When one of your families invites you to spend time with them, do your best to be respectful and to show gratitude regardless of whether or not you are able to make it. Doing what you can to help plan and contribute, or even a long-distance video chat or phone call into the get-together can go along way in helping each of your families feel loved. Also understand when your family cannot be with you – traveling for special occasions takes time and money. Be grateful for the time your family can spend with you, instead of pressuring them to be at more events.
Be Mindful of Your Significant Other’s Needs
Healthy relationships are all about sacrifice and love, and sometimes you have to sacrifice time with your own family in order to give your spouse the time that they would like to have with their family.
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Rian: My husband grew up in Arizona, and a large chunk of his family still lives there while my family is all in Utah. Because we live so close to my parents and siblings, we spend a lot of time with them (which I love because I’m a total homebody). That means that it takes a lot more planning and effort to get together with my husband’s family. However, because his family is as important to both of us as my family, we do what we can to put in that extra effort into spending time with them. I know this means a lot to my husband and his family, and while sometimes it takes a little sacrifice, that effort always turns out to be worth it.
Aubrey-Dawn: My husband’s family lives a fifteen-hour drive from us, requiring several days off, and lots of time and money. We have managed to see them about twice a year since getting married. Traveling there is always quite an occasion – family reunions have lots of people, and it can be overwhelming. I work hard to mentally and emotionally prepare to be in a hectic environment with many personalities and lifestyles different from my own because I know that it is important to my husband. At the same time, my husband checks in with me at the beginning and end of each day to see how I am doing and talk with me about any struggles. He also understands that I need alone time, and makes room for it.
Speak Positively
Sometimes it can be really tempting to talk negatively with your spouse about family members behind their back. This type of gossip and/or complaining can be really damaging to the relationships that both you and your spouse have with each other’s families. If you have a problem with a member of either family that you feel you should discuss with your spouse, utilize your healthy communication and problem-solving skills to try and make the experience as constructive and healing as possible. Venting can be beneficial, but it is important to remember that venting and attacking are not the same thing. Remember that what you are saying is about people who are important to your spouse. If you would not want your partner saying those things about your family, you may want to find another way to express your frustrations.
Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important in all relationships. It is okay to say ‘no’ and to state your needs and intents. Sometimes family dynamics can be difficult. Unrealistic expectations, competition, and sometimes even downright meanness are issues many deal with when it comes to their in-laws. Establishing boundaries as a couple can help mitigate these problems and protect you and your partner.
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Aubrey-Dawn: Boundaries have been important in Richard and I’s family interactions, especially with regard to infertility and childcare. There used to be an assumption that because we have no children but want them, we would want to take care of everyone else’s. At a reunion, Richard was left with over a dozen children, while most of the men socialized, and all of the women, myself included, attended a baby shower. At this same reunion, as well as on many other occasions, we sustained many jokes and comments about our incapacity to love and understand anything because we are not parents. It was painful for both of us. We have had to establish boundaries: we do not care for children without advanced notice, and we do so for only one family at a time. We also have had conversations about infertility-related comments. It has been difficult, but these boundaries have helped tremendously.
Your Family Comes First
The most important thing to remember when scheduling extended-family time is that your new family – the family you and your significant other create together – comes first. Making sure you and your spouse (and any kids that may come along) are taken care of is more important than trying to bend to everyone else’s whims. That means you may get called a party-pooper when you have to leave the party early so that your baby can get to bed on time. Or it might mean telling your mother that you and your spouse want to open presents on Christmas morning at your own home in order to have some alone time together. Whatever the case, it is okay to set those boundaries to ensure that your own immediate family is taken care of. In fact, it will help your relationship with your spouse, your kids, and your extended family be a whole lot healthier. Doing everything you can to ensure that your significant other feels safe and respected when you are with extended family is crucial. It will demonstrate to your partner that you respect them, and will strengthen the trust and love that you have for one another.
Come up with a new holiday tradition that you can participate in with your immediate family.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Come up with a new holiday tradition that you can participate in with your immediate family.
