How to Raise the Smartest Kid on the Block

Written by Shirley Anderson

It’s no secret that test scores and grades don’t adequately convey a kid’s full intelligence. Intelligence comes in a wide variety of forms (ex. musical, logical, interpersonal, spatial, kinesthetic..etc.). An essential form of intelligence that is often overlooked is perhaps the most paramount to our child’s immediate and future success in life. I’m talking about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004). And as it turns out, ‘raising the smartest kid on the block’ has less to do with our children’s talents and abilities and more to do with how we as parents respond to their emotions and foster healthy expression.

Responding to Our Kid’s Emotions

Renowned psychologist John Gottman explains there are four ways in which parents typically respond to their children’s emotions. Which parental response do you most identify with? You will likely relate to each response style at different times depending on the situation, location and the age of your child. Click here to learn more about the impact each response style has on children.

1. The Dismissive Parent feels out of control and uses distraction techniques rather than addressing the emotion; sees negative emotions as their own personal failure as a parent and will do just about anything to quickly change the child’s emotion to a positive one.

Ex. “If you stop yelling you can have this piece of candy.” or “Shhhhh! Stop crying! Do you want to watch a show on Mommy’s phone?”

2. The Disapproving Parent is overly concerned with discipline and how to ‘manage’ their child’s negative emotions without being concerned as to why the child is feeling the way they do. These parents are often judgmental, critical and controlling.

Ex. “Why are you so upset? This is not a big deal! You always do this right before we have to leave!”

3. The Laissez-Faire Parent waits for the child to ‘get over it’ and ride out their emotions with no guidance as to an appropriate way to express themselves; sets no limits on behavior and is extremely permissive.

Ex. “Cry it out. You’re fine.” or “You’ll get over it [allows child to continue doing whatever they are doing].”

4. The Emotion Coach sees negative emotions as an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and empathize with their child. They set limits on behavior and help children find appropriate ways to express their emotions.

Becoming an Emotion Coach

It’s no surprise that the ‘emotion coach’ is the ideal response to best foster our children’s emotional IQ. If this hasn’t been modeled for you in your family of origin or doesn’t come naturally to you in moments of stress and frustration, be kind to yourself! It’s all about practice. Here are a few important steps to help you become the emotion coach your child needs.

• Help child identify the emotion – It’s a valuable skill for our children to learn what emotions ‘look like’ so they can recognize it in themselves and others. Verbally explain the reasons why you can see they are feeling sad, frustrated, embarrassed…etc. Then of course, ask them to tell you about it. Even if you already know the answer, let them tell you in their own words. Ask why the child feels the way they do and then listen. Really listen.

Ex. “You look angry. I can see that your body is tense and your face is turning red. Why are you feeling angry?” or “You look kind of sad today. You’re hanging your head down and you don’t want to do any of your favorite things. Why are you feeling sad?”

• Validate child’s feelings – It’s deeply important for us as adults to feel validated in our emotions and children are no different. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we so often seek.

Ex. “I’m so sorry you feel sad. If my toy got broken I would feel really sad too.” or “I can see why this situation is so frustrating for you. How can I do things differently next time?”  

• Appropriate emotional expression – Accepting our children’s feelings does not mean accepting their behavior. It’s important to remind our children that just because they feel a certain way, doesn’t make it okay to.. hit, lie, yell, kick, say unkind things…etc. Help your child choose an appropriate emotional response and offer suggestions if they find it difficult. This can be a fun activity to do together! Make it a game by thinking of silly but practical ways to express themselves. Do they like yelling in their pillow or hitting the couch cushions? How about running around the house or yelling outside? Emotional expression is unique and doesn’t need to be conventional.

Ex. “I understand that you are/were angry. But yelling and hitting is not okay. How else can you show your frustration next time?” or “Something that helps me feel better when I’m frustrated is to take a few minutes to be alone or take deep breaths.” or “Have you tried dancing crazy to your favorite song? I know it sounds silly but it helps me remember that I won’t feel frustrated forever.”

• Be your child’s emotional role model – The best way to help your child navigate their own emotions is to develop your own emotional intelligence! How do you respond to feelings of sadness, anger or guilt? What can you do differently today? The more comfortable you are with expressing your feelings, the more comfortable you will be as you teach your children to do the same. Utilize your mistakes as a tool to teach your children that you’re working on expressing yourself too.

Ex. “I was feeling really frustrated today but that didn’t make it okay to raise my voice. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Parents who choose to become an emotion coach will cultivate children with higher self-esteem, higher achievement, better impulse control and delayed gratification. Their children will get along well with others, require less discipline and even have fewer infectious illness (Gottman, 1998). The benefits are endless! As we strive to become the emotion coach our kids need, our children will be able to better recognize and express their emotions and truly be the smartest kid on the block.

Think of a recurring situation when your child struggles to express their emotions in an appropriate way and plan how you can be a good emotional coach the next time it happens.

References

Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8

Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.