Cover photo by Matheus Alves from Pexels
Written by Amber Price, MS
Years ago, my then four-year-old stood on the small rock wall that divides our backyard from a golf cart path, happily singing a song. As a cart full of golfers drove past, he continued to sing his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” complete with exaggerated vibrato. He didn’t hesitate in his singing and beyond that, he stared these golfers straight in the face as they progressed down the path. My husband, who was in the yard pulling weeds at the time, turned to me and joked that only a four-year-old has the confidence to keep singing while looking a stranger directly in the eye.
We’ve laughed about that moment ever since because of the sweet, unashamed nature of a child who is so comfortable with himself and so oblivious to the potential judgements of others. He’s just completely authentic. I don’t know about you, but singing for a group of strangers in a golf cart is not high on my list of desired activities. Not even if I was a good singer.
Somewhere between our preschool years and adulthood, we seem to lose confidence with who we are, and we begin to fear what other people will think of us. What’s sad about this (other than missed opportunities to hear each other loudly singing things like “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”) is that when we lose our comfort with who we are, when we stop being authentic, our ability to truly connect with other people is limited. Let’s look at why that is and how to combat it so that you can develop the intimate connections with others that make life so sweet.
What is Authenticity and Why Does It Matter?
Authenticity is described as being yourself. It involves knowing who you are and feeling good about yourself paired with a willingness to see yourself clearly—weakness and all (Kernis & Goldman, 2008). Being authentic means letting other people really see you and know you, even though that means they will see the stuff that you struggle with.
It probably isn’t surprising that being authentic usually means more positive feelings about yourself (Neff & Harter, 2002), better mental health (Anderson & Williams, 1985), more happiness in your romantic relationships (Lopez & Rice, 2006) and even finding more meaning in your life (Schlegel & Hicks, 2011). It feels good to be you and to love and accept the real you.
Another major bonus of authenticity is that being the real you fosters connection. Think about a time when you’ve felt really connected to another human. What was happening in that moment? What made it connective?
One of the highlights of my week is my Friday night date with my husband. The poor guy gets to listen to me talk and talk for hours while we get dinner. (He promises he doesn’t mind the number of words that flow out of my mouth during those evenings together.) I love talking with him and sharing our ideas, challenges, feelings, and thoughts from the week, partly because I know he loves me, and I know he cares about what I have to say. I can share with him in a way that I can’t with anyone else. This, for me, is highly connective time as we share who we really are with each other.
There are other times with people who aren’t my husband that feel very connective as well. These times are usually when a friend is sharing something that is hard for her or that she is struggling with or is just telling me about what’s going on in her life. She’s letting me see the real her, not an idealized image of her. She’s letting down her guard and being real with me and that builds connection. It’s our weaknesses and imperfections that make us relatable to each other. That’s what real connection happens—when we let someone see the messy side of us. In short, connection happens when we are authentic.
What Stops Authenticity?
It’s clear that being authentic is the way to go, so what holds us back from that unabashed authenticity of the four-year-old singing to golfers? What stops you from feeling like you can really be you anytime, anywhere?
One of the biggest challenges to authenticity is our desire to live up to the standards that we think other people have for us. We let other people tell us who to be and what that looks like. For example, a “good mom” has a clean house, reads to her kids, knows how to do fourth grade math, cooks yummy, healthy meals every single day, never has a pile of laundry, has meaningful conversations with her kids each day, never yells, gets everywhere on time, plans amazing birthday parties, gets her kids on all the best teams and in all the best schools, and looks good doing all of this. There’s no way any woman can pull off everything that she “should” do as a mother. And yet, somehow, we try to hold ourselves to these types of idealized standards.
The problem with this (other than that it’s completely exhausting and overwhelming), is that if we are sure that everyone around us has an idea of how we “should” be living and we know we aren’t living up to it, we will hide who we are so that others can’t see us falling short. And there goes that opportunity for connection because you can’t connect with someone who is hiding.
Trying to live by ideals that you think others have for you is going to stress you out, make you feel inadequate, and threaten your relationships (Jack, 1991). Instead, if you can be who you want to be and embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect but that you’re a wonderful person who is trying her or his best, you can let down that guard, stop hiding, and maybe even come at the world with the unabashed singing of a four-year-old.
This week, challenge yourself to see ways that you are trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than your ideas of who you want to be. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
-
In what ways do I tend to judge myself by how I think other people see me? (Watch for examples of this throughout your week.)
-
Do I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings? What are some examples of this in my life?
-
When I make decisions, do other people’s thoughts and opinions influence me more than my own thoughts and opinions?
References
Andersen, S. M, & Williams, M. (1985). Cognitive ⁄ affective reactions in the improvement of self-esteem: When thoughts and feelings make a difference. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49, 1086–1097.
Jack, D. C. (1999). Silencing the self: Inner dialogues and outer realities. See also: https://amberaprice.com/what-is-self-silencing/
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
Lopez, F. G., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Preliminary development and validation of a measure of relationship authenticity. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53, 362–371.
Neff, K. D., & Harter, S. (2002). The authenticity of conflict resolutions among adult couples: Does women’s other-oriented behavior reflect their true selves? Sex Roles, 47, 403–417.
Schlegel, R. J., & Hicks, J. A. (2011). The true self and psychological health: Emerging evidence and future directions. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(12), 989-1003.
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at 
