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Written by Natalie Burgess, Brigham Young University
My memories of growing up with my mom are marked with happiness mingled with unforgettable pain. Due to her struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder, my mom seemed to operate on a revolving door—she was the kindest person one day, and the scariest the next. I often felt as if I was walking on eggshells, fearing her next outburst of anger, manipulation, and screaming. This wild mix of highs and lows felt like whiplash and largely shaped my childhood (Rizvi & Najam, 2017).
Eventually, I discovered that her actions were partially due to a mental illness and not just her unique personality. However, I found that many of my peers with similar experiences diagnosed their parents as “toxic” (Oyler, 2018)—or contaminating others by their destructive behaviors—rather than mentally ill.
While our society is becoming increasingly aware of mental health issues, other voices support a new trend that encourages individuals to make greater efforts to “self-protect” their happiness. Some individuals do this by recognizing (Morgan, 2020) which of their relationships are unhealthy and dumping them in hopes of something or someone better—or at least putting off investing (LeFebvre & Carmack, 2020) in close relationships once they have determined that a relationship may not be what they want it to be.
However, “You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?” (Friedman, 2009)
A Different Choice
After consulting my therapist, he told me, “There is another option. If you want to keep your relationship with your mom, you need to set boundaries with her. You set the rules as well as the consequences for not keeping them—and you must stick to them.”
He introduced me to some communication methods, one of which is known by the acronym DEAR MAN (Richard et al., 2013):
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D: Describe what you want
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E: Express your feelings about the situation
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A: Assert yourself by asking for what you want
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R: Reinforce or reward the person by explaining the potential rewards of complying *this is also a good place to list consequences for not following your request
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M: Stay Mindful—do not get distracted by their arguments or defensiveness
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A: Appear confident and try to take yourself seriously, avoid stammering, and staring at the floor
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N: Negotiate and compromise what you can without ignoring your needs
As I practiced this skill with my therapist, I realized that this type of conversation would require some bravery and may not initially elicit a positive response from my mother. I decided to call her on the phone, so I could leave the situation if I needed to, as well as have the ability to have notes with me that I could reference and that could keep me focused and give me something to say. Here is an example of how I used DEAR MAN:
Application
“I want to be spoken to respectfully. I feel hurt and angry when you yell at me and call me names. I need you to not yell at me or call me names. If you do this, our relationship can improve, and we can spend more time together like you have said you would like to. If you do not do this, I will not speak with you until you can speak respectfully. (If at this point the other person begins to argue or place blame on you, do not argue or defend yourself, but calmly redirect the conversation back to what you were saying.) Can you do that? What can I do to help with this?”
My therapist also recommended having my husband on the phone call with me in order to support me, back me up, and refocus me as needed. For others, this may look like discussing the situation with a roommate or friend to receive encouragement and validation for your experience afterwards.
In the following weeks, I began to incorporate DEAR MAN into interactions with my mom. At first, she was upset and offended, but I firmly stood my ground. I realized that without the support of my husband, it would have been easy to doubt if what I was choosing to do was the right move.
Progress
As I practiced this new skill with my mom, I began to recognize that much of her behavior was due to her fear of abandonment and loneliness—not out of a pure desire to make my life difficult. Understanding the depth of pain behind her own actions helped me to develop more empathy for her. Eventually, I started to see positive changes in my relationship with my mother.
Although our relationship is not perfect and I occasionally still have to remind her of my boundaries, I have been able to work on my own healing and no longer feel that I must walk on eggshells and fear her reactions. I recognize that there are relationships that truly do need to end (Friedman, 2009); however, the decision to cut ties (Carr et al., 2017) should not be taken lightly in families, nor should one do so without searching for outside resources such as therapy for help. Creating a healthier relationship may take repeated efforts to see improvement or there may not be change at all—but at least you will know that you gave it your best effort.
I am grateful that I found a way to purge my relationship of toxicity—not by ending my relationship with my mom—but by learning how to improve it. As a result, I am able to stay in contact with my mother and my daughter is able to know a grandmother she would not have otherwise.
Consider ways you can “self-protect” your happiness, including setting appropriate boundaries in relationships that may be considered “toxic.” Follow Natalie’s example by writing out your feelings, observations, and perhaps a script using the DEAR MAN format noted above. You don’t need to implement those boundaries right away, but processing these thoughts and ideas will lay the foundation for future conversations.
References
Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a nonmatched sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
Friedman, R. A. (2009, October 19). When parents are too toxic to tolerate. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?searchResultPosition=2
LeFebvre, L. E., & Carmack, H. J. (2020). Catching feelings: Exploring commitment (un)readiness in emerging adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 143–162. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519857472
Morgan, C. (2020, March 18). Can you really fix a toxic relationship (and how)? Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/868281/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship
Oyler, L. (2018, October 2). When did everything get so ‘toxic’? The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/02/magazine/when-did-everything-get-so-toxic.html?searchResultPosition=3
Ricard, R. J., Lerma, E., & Heard, C. C. C. (2013). Piloting a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) Infused skills group in a disciplinary alternative education program (DAEP). The Journal for Specialists in Group Work, 38(4), 285-306. https://doi.org/10.1080/01933922.2013.834402
Rizvi, S. F. I., & Najam, N. (2017). Unseen wounds: Understanding the emotional and behavioral correlates of psychological abuse in adolescents. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, 32(2), 525–543.
Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
