Hope and Healing After Loss

Written by McKay Strong

Losing a loved one can make you yourself feel lost. Experiencing such a profound loss not only impacts us emotionally but physically as well (Casarett, Kutner, & Abrahm, 2001). The response to losing a loved one is what we know as grief.

Grief is of course not limited to the death of a loved one. Any loss can cause grief, such as:

1. Divorce or relationship breakup

2. Loss of health

3. Losing a job

4. Loss of financial stability

5. A miscarriage

6. Death of a pet

7. A loved one’s serious illness

8. Loss of a friendship

You need never feel ashamed of how you react to loss. Fortunately, there are healthy ways to cope with the feelings that come with grief.

Turn to friends or family members.

Something that I’ve learned in my own grief journey is how important it is for me to talk about my loved ones that I’ve lost. I don’t want people to be afraid to bring them up. It’s helpful to hear memories of the one(s) you’ve lost. Confiding in and discussing with friends and family who knew your loved one can help you remember the positives, and honor their legacy. Furthermore, telling the story of your loved one in a variety of ways can help you to cope with the loss, and find healing and meaning as you work to make sense of the loss and ensuing grief (Bosticco, & Thompson, 2005).

Find comfort in your faith.

Faith can keep you grounded when life feels chaotic and out of your control. Additionally, having some belief about what happens to us after we die can provide comfort and hope when we experience a deep loss. Research shows that “People who profess stronger spiritual beliefs seem to resolve their grief more rapidly and completely after the death of a close person than do people with no spiritual beliefs” (Walsh, King, Jones, Tookman, & Blizard, 2002). This is not to say that if you do not have spiritual beliefs that you need to find some during bereavement. Rather, if you had spiritual beliefs prior to your loss, it’s helpful to lean onto your faith during the grieving period.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor.

Mental health professionals receive thousands of hours of schooling and hands-on training to help people cope with the fear, guilt, anxiety, and other difficult feelings that come with loss. Grief counseling, in particular, has been shown to be just as effective as other forms of counseling and psychotherapy (Larson, & Hoyt, 2007), and you may find that a therapist who has been specifically trained in dealing with grief is the best equipped to help you work through yours. Because everyone’s grief journey is different, it’s best to consider your options and see what works for you. Be patient with yourself and others as you find your own path to healing. Maybe therapy isn’t the best way for you to cope and feel. Maybe you need to be alone, maybe you need to be with friends. Surviving grief can be a trial-and-error process, and it may take time to find what works for you. 

Thoughts on Time

Here’s the bad news: time does not heal all wounds. At least not completely. Time merely provides the means by which you become used to your new life. Maybe your boyfriend of two weeks dumped you or maybe your sister died. Maybe you gave a child up for adoption or maybe you dropped an ice cream cone. More often than not, time will not erase your feelings of loss and emptiness. It just gets you used to living with those things and finding a way to endure despite them. It helps you get out of bed every day, even when you’re in pain. It helps you put a bandaid on your soul, but the scar is still there. It helps you find your new “normal.”

The good news? Time can still be your friend. Time can help you hear a song your sister used to blast in the car and not have a complete and total mental breakdown. Time can help you to not have to take the day off of work when her death anniversary rolls around. Time can help you to smile when an old truck drives by, reminding you of the one your dad taught you how to drive. Don’t get me wrong: the pain is still there. It always will be. Slowly but surely, however, you’ll get used to your new normal. You may have lost something, but you’re still here.

For those already struggling with their mental health, facing grief on top of that can seem unbearable. Time is not going to solve your problems. Good people, finding hope in a Higher Power, therapy, and laughter will help you get closer to healing. You are here on this earth. Learn, grow, and love. Your heart will always have something missing, but your life can still be full.

If you are currently dealing with loss, reach out to a loved one who can remember with you.

Not currently dealing with loss yourself? Reach out to someone who is, and share your love! We all need each other.

References

Bosticco, C., & Thompson, T. L. (2005). Narratives and Story Telling in Coping with Grief and Bereavement. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 51(1), 1-16. https://doi.org/10.2190/8tnx-leby-5ejy-b0h6

Casarett, D., Kutner, J. S., & Abrahm, J. (2001). Life after death: a practical approach to grief and bereavement. Annals of internal medicine, 134(3), 208-215.

Larson, D. G., & Hoyt, W. T. (2007). What has become of grief counseling? An evaluation of the empirical foundations of the new pessimism. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 38(4), 347–355. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.38.4.347

Smith, M., & Robinson, L. (2019, November). Coping with Grief and Loss. Retrieved May 9, 2020, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Walsh, K., King, M., Jones, L., Tookman, A., & Blizard, R. (2002). Spiritual beliefs may affect outcome of bereavement: prospective study. BMJ (Clinical research ed.), 324(7353), 1551. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.324.7353.1551

McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.