Cover photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash
Written by Rian Gordon
One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so SAFE around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything! This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last (PREP Inc., 2015).
Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships:
Physical Safety
The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, I would argue that there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other.
Ways to build physical safety:
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Engage in positive touch (both sexual and non-sexual): Whether or not your love language is physical touch, touch is an important part of feeling and expressing love and connection in our relationships! Find ways that you can show your partner you love them through all kinds of touch – give hugs, hold hands, touch knees, share kisses, make love, all the things! Tailor these forms of touch to your unique needs and desires as a couple.
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Create a physical sanctuary: If you live together, you can increase the felt physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours!
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees.
Ways to build emotional safety:
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Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. Responding positively to bids does not mean that you always have to say “yes” to your partner. It just means that you acknowledge their bid and follow through with taking time to connect – whether in that exact moment, or setting aside intentional time later!
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Ex. Partner 1: “Hey honey, how was your day?” “Hey babe, I’m in the middle of sending this text right now, but I’d love to talk about my day with you and hear about yours. Can we talk as soon as I’m done?”
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Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of ourselves that we might not be so proud of. We are all human, and our relationships need to be a space that allows for us to make mistakes, disagree, struggle, and grow together. When your partner shares something with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship.
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Practice sharing your emotions: Sharing how we are feeling is not always easy. The good news is, it’s a skill that we can practice! Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. Mutual sharing and showing empathy and respect for one another’s emotions will help you build trust and increase closeness in your relationship.
Commitment Safety
Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Ways to build commitment safety:
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Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
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Constraint Commitments: Constraint commitments refer to “forces that constrain individuals to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication to them” (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). These can be things such as buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, social pressure to remain together, etc. “Constraint” sounds like a negative term, but these types of ties in our relationships can actually be really beneficial in strengthening our commitment (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). The more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty* (things that come to every relationship).
* This does not include abusive relationships. If you are in a relationship with abuse of any kind, you have the right to leave regardless of any existing constraints!
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Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort we continuously put into our relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely we are to stay committed to our partner! Investing in your relationship looks like frequent date nights, staying curious and continuing to get to know each other, nurturing your emotional and physical connection, communicating openly and honestly, intentionally connecting throughout the day, etc. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more our actions reflect commitment to our partner and to the relationship, the deeper our love and commitment will actually become.
Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week.
References
Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved December 12, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of family theory & review, 2(4), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x
