Create, Don’t Compare!

Written by Rian Gordon

We live in a world where information is readily and almost immediately available to us — including information about other people’s private lives. This can be really helpful, if, for example, you haven’t seen your best friend from high school in years and you want to reconnect to see how she’s doing. HOWEVER, it can also potentially be really harmful to our relationships. Today, I want to talk to you about why.

“May I See Your References?”

As humans, we naturally compare ourselves to others. We have been doing this since we were babies to help us learn what is and what isn’t socially acceptable. For example, think about when a baby falls down and looks at mom to see her reaction before deciding whether or not to cry. This is a skill called social referencing, and it helps us cue in to how we should be acting and responding in our daily lives (Stenberg, 2017).

We continue social referencing all throughout adolescence and into adulthood (Parkinson et al., 2012). We like to check in with what’s happening around us to see whether or not we measure up to the social norm. This can be great when we are learning how to fit in at our middle school, or at our day-job, but it can be really dangerous when it comes to forming and maintaining our own healthy relationships. Here’s why constantly comparing your relationship to others doesn’t work:

What You See, Isn’t Always What You Get

Think about what you choose to post on social media. Are you sharing all of your accidental double-chin selfies, being open about the really hard discussion you had with your boyfriend about your trust issues, or posting pictures of the dirty laundry covering the floor of your bedroom? Not likely. The majority of what you see and read on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter is not real life! Real life is HARD, and most people don’t want to post all of their problems for the whole world to see.

Constantly comparing your relationship to what you are seeing of those around you is essentially comparing real life with your favorite romantic comedy. You are seeing everyone else’s lives play out in edited storybook moments. You are forced to compare all of your weaknesses with their obvious strengths. This can lead you to become discouraged and frustrated, thinking that there is something wrong or seriously lacking in your relationship, when in reality, you are just experiencing normal life (Alfasi, 2019).

But Don’t Take My Word For It…

A fascinating research study conducted in Chile took a deeper look at this very phenomenon, wanting to better understand whether or not social media can actually have a negative effect on our relationships (Halpern et al., 2016). Specifically, the researchers looked at how taking and posting selfies on social media affects the amount of conflict we experience in our romantic relationships. Based on findings from previous studies, the researchers made several different predictions. First, they predicted that the more selfies partners took, the more jealousy they would experience in their relationship. Second, more selfies would lead to a larger gap between how partners viewed themselves online, and who they actually were in real life. Finally, they believed that each of these factors would lead to conflict between partners, and in turn, cause them to see their relationship in a more negative light.

In order to test these ideas, the researchers sent out surveys to 305 people. The surveys came in two waves, with the first asking about selfie-posting, jealousy, and the creation of an “online identity”. The second survey was sent a year later, and measured conflict experienced by the couple, along with how they viewed the quality of their relationship.

After the researchers analyzed the results of the survey, they discovered some interesting findings. Consistent with what they had predicted, the data showed a link between partner’s selfie-taking habits, and seeing their relationship as less satisfying. This link was largely influenced by the other two factors in the study: jealousy, and the creation of an idealized online identity. Surprisingly, this idealized version of oneself presented on social media had a more negative effect on the way the couple viewed their relationship than even jealousy. Furthermore, more frequent selfie posting was more strongly linked to forming an unrealistic view of oneself than it was to experiencing jealousy in the relationship. These findings, and more like them, can help us to use better judgment about the social media that we use from day to day, and how we allow it to affect our relationships.

Think Outside the Box

When we focus so intently on what is going on outside of our relationship, we run the risk of making unfair and unrealistic comparisons. We often look outward in order to help us validate our own experience. We ask, “Is what I am doing normal? Does my relationship look and feel the way it should?” We forget that “normal” isn’t a box that all of us fit into. Each of us as individuals is so incredibly different! If you don’t always fit the mold, what makes you think your relationship (made up of TWO unique individuals) will!? When we are so worried about what is considered “normal”, we miss out on the fun of creating and enjoying our own unique relationship.

So, think outside the box and figure out what do you want your relationship to look like! This is between you and your partner (and ONLY you and your partner) to decide. Talk about what is important to you as a couple, and what you are all about. What works for you, and what will make both of you the most happy? Have fun creating your own unique relationship, and learn to love and embrace that uniqueness.

Then, keep private things private. We can sometimes fall into the trap of asking our workout buddies at the gym how often they have sex with their partner, or complaining to our girlfriends about how demanding our husband is in the bedroom. Don’t feed the fire of the comparing culture by throwing out more information for people to compare to! Instead of seeking validation outside of the relationship, seek to learn from your partner and communicate about each of your needs. Keep the focus on you two, and find joy in deciding who you want to be together. Remember that you are unique, and you have the power to create a powerful relationship.

Other Activity Ideas

Gottman Institute Love Maps – http://www.fcs.uga.edu/docs/05_SHR-T3.pdf

Building Couple Identity – http://www.fcs.uga.edu/docs/05_SHR-T3.pdf

Click Here to Watch the Video

References

Alfasi, Y. (2019). The grass is always greener on my Friends’ profiles: The effect of Facebook social comparison on state self-esteem and depression. Personality & Individual Differences, 147, 111–117. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.04.032

Halpern, D., Katz, J. E., Carril, C. (2016). The online ideal persona vs. the jealousy effect: Two explanations of why selfies are associated with lower-quality romantic relationships. Telematics and Information, 34(1), 114-123. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.tele.2016.04.014

Parkinson, B., Phiri, N., & Simons, G. (2012). Bursting with anxiety: Adult social referencing in an interpersonal Balloon Analogue Risk Task (BART). Emotion, 12(4), 817–826. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026434

Stenberg, G. (2017). Does contingency in adults’ responding influence 12-month-old infants’ social referencing? Infant Behavior & Development, 46, 67–79. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2016.11.013

 

---

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.