Adoption is of course a huge decision – it is the forming of a triadic relationship between a birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive family. I believe this relationship to be sacred and beautiful. But it is also complicated and difficult. Now working for an adoption agency, I have seen first-hand the courage that birth mothers have and the patience of waiting adoptive families. Both have tremendous love and are in a state of crisis, worry, and hope.
Those considering adoption have many questions to answer. First, why adopt in the first place? Then, can I afford adoption? What kind of adoption do I want? Should I use a consultant or agency? Am I prepared to answer a child’s questions about their adoption and birth family? And this is only the beginning. Choosing to adopt is a significant commitment with its own beauties and challenges. My hope is to give you a sense of the significance of adoption in this article, and if you are considering adoption, give you some things to think about to give you a better sense of direction and self-awareness.
Why adopt?
You may consider adoption because you want to grow your family, and this is wonderful. It is true that some consider adoption because of infertility, but there are many other reasons to consider adoption. Women who have had high-risk pregnancies in the past may consider adoption. Individuals not wishing to pass on genetic traits and hereditary diseases may also choose adoption instead of procreating. Some families simply want to adopt – they see a need in the world and want to offer birth mothers and adoptees an opportunity to thrive. Individuals may wish to raise a child or children without being in a significant relationship, and for LGBT+ couples looking to become parents, adoption is a great option. Some may also choose to adopt older children because they don’t want to raise an infant. Some feel a strong connection to adoption because they themselves were adopted. Everyone’s adoptive family’s path to adoption will look a little different. It is a big commitment and decision with a hefty emotional, financial, and relational burden.
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What are some poor reasons to adopt?
My husband and I, who are very open about our infertility, have often been told something like this: “Well, if you can’t have your own kids, you can just adopt.” As if the adopted child is some kind of second-best or consolation prize. Though that comment may be well-intended, it highlights an unawareness regarding adoption and a mistaken belief that adoption replaces infertility grief. That is far too large an expectation to place on a child. (If you want to ask this question, instead consider validating a couple’s infertility and then say something like, “If for some reason your current plan doesn’t work out, will you consider other ways to parent or have children?”) Couples who decide to adopt often begin this journey because of infertility, but those who are most successful are those who are able to separate infertility grief and loss from the anxieties that come with the decision to adopt.
And with that being said, peer pressure is also not a reason to adopt. And it happens! People pressure their loved ones to adopt because they feel it will be so good for them. But that’s not a good reason to make any big decision, especially when adoption is concerned.
Do not adopt because you want to rescue someone. This perspective, though it comes from a good place of wanting to help, is a little off-base. The belief that you are rescuing a child can bring with it an unfair expectation that the child will be grateful to you – after all, you saved them, right? Wrong. While you are helping a mother and her child, you are not a savior to them. This perspective can create a sense of entitlement in your relationship with the child (especially in adolescence), as well as with the birth mother, and even your case manager. Really though, it’s just a terrible perspective, and I could write an entire piece on why.
And if your family isn’t on board, it really isn’t time. If your partner is “just going along with it” and isn’t really committed, don’t adopt. The process can be very difficult and emotional – your family unit really needs to be on board. And with that said, I also recommend having a good support system.
Adoption is also not a way to “fix” a relationship. Bringing a child into a family in any way with the intention that their presence will cure relationship problems is terribly unfair to the child, not to mention unrealistic. The adoption process can make relationships harder – it doesn’t make them easier.
While there are other reasons, those are big reasons not to adopt. I do not want to persuade anyone away from adoption, but I do want people to be aware of why they want to adopt, and be sure that they are grounded and pursuing adoption for the right reasons.
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What are some things I should consider when thinking about adoption?
Consider the type of adoption you want – finding a situation you are comfortable with is important. International, state, and private adoption are all good options but are unique and one may be better than another for a given family.
Families may also consider if an open, semi-open, or closed adoption is best for their family. Semi-open and open adoptions have the best outcomes for adoptees, and these benefits allude to a more healthy and secure sense of identity, better mental health, and more secure attachment. Families should consider what kind of and amount of communication they would like with a birth mother.
Families should also consider their finances. Private adoptions often offer the most support and give families the most options for finding a situation that they connect with, but are often the most expensive. All adoptions also require home study, adoption education and training, legal fees, and some include medical fees and travel costs as well. In addition to saving for adoption, families can consider grants and subsidies for adoption. State adoptions are often the cheapest adoptions, and may be better suited to some families.
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Additionally, those considering adoption must also think about the specifics of adoption situations they are willing to consider: degree of openness, a race/ethnicity different from their own, prenatal drug/alcohol use, etc. All can impact their decisions. The more open a family is to a variety of situations, the less time they will have to wait to accept a child into their home. The more selective they are, the less frequently a potential match will present itself. You should only accept a situation you are comfortable with, but you need to be aware of the limitations and comforts of each choice you make.
For me, the biggest question is this: Are you willing and able to give up control? By moving forward with adoption, you are allowing someone else to have control of your family planning. Some families are presented to many birth mothers before anyone says yes. They willingly face rejection many times before they are told “You have been picked to adopt this child.”
Those using an agency and adopting from infancy meet the mother in the hospital and navigate the grief, anxiety and fear that comes with that moment, because at the last moment, the birth mother may decide to parent, and is of course well within her right to do so. As the child grows, they respond to their child’s complicated questions about their identity in their adoptive family and birth family. Some take out second mortgages and save for years. Adoptive parents willingly put themselves in vulnerable position after vulnerable position, hoping that someday a beautiful little child will call them “mom” or dad”.
Those wanting to adopt have many things to consider, and the task can feel daunting. Adoption is a long, emotional process, but it is beautiful and wonderful. One of my favorite things about my job is calling an adoptive family to tell them that a birth mother has chosen them to parent her child. They shed tears of joy, relief, shock, gratitude. It is a moment that changes their lives forever.
Reach out to someone you know who is going through the adoption process, as a birth mother or adoptive family, and offer emotional (and if you can) financial support.
If you are considering adoption, learn more and contemplate adoptions that you connect with.
Slauson-Blevins, K., & Park, N. K. (2015). Deciding Not to Adopt: The Role of Normative Family Ideologies in Adoption Consideration. Adoption Quarterly,19(4), 237-260. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2015.1121185
Malm, K., & Welti, K. (2010). Exploring Motivations to Adopt. Adoption Quarterly,13(3-4), 185-208. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2010.524872
Zhang, Y., Harris, V.W., Diehl, D.L., King, S.M., & Speegle, K.C. (2018). Life-Changing Decisions: Exploring Proximal and Distal Motivations behind why American Parents Adopt Domestically or Internationally.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Reach out to someone you know who is going through the adoption process, as a birth mother or adoptive family, and offer emotional (and if you can) financial support.
