Cover Photo by Thanh Tran on Unsplash
Written by Katrina Voorhees
From Mount Sinai the last of 10 Commandments was thundered: “Thou shalt not covet.” Christian or not, such a prolific statement has not been lost on the world. In fact, Christians are not the only ones who shun covetous attitudes. A famous Buddhist mantra wisely counsels, “Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time,” (Pikörn, 2021).
Yasmin Mogahed, a Muslim scholar based in the United States, is a specialist in spirituality, psychology, and personal development. She once wrote, “Be careful with wanting what others have. There is always a price. Perhaps God didn’t give it to you because he knew you wouldn’t be able to pay it,” (Unknown, 2020).
Even our justice system cautions us against wanting what others have. One of our fundamental laws cautions us to avoid taking what is not ours: stealing is a crime worthy of time in jail. Although in coveting we do not steal from others, comparison is a subtle thief, robbing us of what was rightly ours all along—Happiness.
If nothing else, such an ancient record as the Bible shows that comparison has existed since the beginning of time. It is human nature to measure what we have or don’t have against other people, and there is perhaps no time in the history of the world where that has been easier to do than today. Social media has opened wide the windows into other people’s lives and relationships (Nesi, J., & Prinstein, M. J., 2015). Hollywood flaunts pictures of seemingly flawless couples and movies that set an unrealistic expectation for what a perfect couple should look and act like. Even our neighbors seem to have it all together – and when what we want is so far out of reach it is hard not to wonder if someone else didn’t get the better deal (Aron, A., & Aron, E. N., 1986).
So, what are some practices we can implement in our lives to avoid comparing our relationships and families?
Remember that everything is not always as it seems.
Take a minute to think about the people closest to you—your best friends and families. Do they feel their lives are perfect? Sometimes those who seem to have the most are the least happy, and even feel the added burden of letting down those who think they are perfect. Think of those Hollywood couples who from the outside seemed perfect but who, in reality, were suffering in their private lives. This isn’t to say that every couple you admire is on the verge of divorce, but when you don’t have a front seat to their private lives you can’t know what it’s really like to be them. That accounts for both good and bad moments: perhaps some couples you see as mediocre are experiencing precious moments together that they haven’t bothered sharing with the world. Most of life’s most beautiful memories are not really post-able—they come by surprise when you least expect them.
The good life is not found, it is made
When I was a young girl I fell in love with romantic novels and movies, imagining all the time what it would be like to love and be loved, just like that. I never stopped to think that it might be a lot of work! Most of the people I love most are the people I have done the most for, and that kind of work is rarely convenient. When you are watching a movie you rarely see the mundane tasks that go into creating ideal circumstances, tasks like laundry, late nights, long hours at work, or discipline. These tasks, while not played to the Rocky soundtrack, often seem monotonous and uneventful, but they are what love is made of! Just remember, while you are working to create a better life and relationship, to stop a little and smell the roses. It is easy to look at someone else’s life and think, man, how would that be? The answer is, probably not like how you think.
Focus on the good
Much of our happiness in life depends not on our circumstances but on our perspective. Some trials and testing in relationships may also be an opportunity for growth. For example, when my husband and I first started dating, his car was having problems and could not be used. I had a car and offered to wake up early in the dead of winter to pick him up and drop him off at his classes. Usually, he was the one waking up early and picking me up, which he has continued to do since, but that act of service on my part made me love my husband even more! Sacrificing my comfort for him helped me not only to recognize what he had done for me, but also brought us closer together. Although we spent many cold mornings with a broken heater, I look back fondly on that time as a time of growth and happiness.
Remember the best things in life are usually chosen
Often, we look at possessions or status as markers of success, but the data actually shows that these things have little impact on overall happiness. What the data does show is that, although material comforts rid us of stress, the most important factors in happiness are loving relationships. Not beauty, wealth, status or even health! While those things are certainly not aversive, it is important to note that one can be happy if they choose to nourish the relationships they do have (Solan, 2019). Many things in life will happen without our choosing or control, such as loss of opportunities, jobs, declining health, and aging. But it is comforting to know that through it all we can choose to be resilient and to love those around us. While others around us may seem to have everything, remember that they too are subject to mortal life and will have plenty of unpleasant circumstances to deal with. Our goal is to deal with disappointment and failure as lovingly and patiently as possible and to help those around us to recognize and understand their own worth.
While there are many good things in life that we certainly should strive for, the best things in life that will ever come to us are not things at all, but people. Instead of comparing your relationship to someone else’s, be gracious. Remember that your close friends and family are doing the best they can and they need your love and appreciation so they can flourish. And when you notice someone succeeding, try letting them know. Life is hard on all of us and most people do not feel they are where they want to be. People in relationships, like individuals, want to know they are doing well. They want to feel their family is well liked and that their children are well raised. Remember that much of a person’s self esteem is linked to their relationships and seek to build others’ and your own. If someone is succeeding, celebrate with them, and remind yourself that you are not in competition with them. Relationships, after all, are about looking outside of yourself and building others up.
Do one (or both) of the following this week to practice “making the good life”:
1. Pay attention to the things you appreciate about your partner or another loved one, and let them know it.
2. Find a new way to serve your partner or another loved one.
References
Pikörn, I. (2021, January 11). Self-Love Advice From The Buddha. Insight Timer Blog.
Mogahed, Y. (2020, June 8). WISE Muslim Women.
Nesi, J., & Prinstein, M. J. (2015). Using Social Media for Social Comparison and Feedback-Seeking: Gender and Popularity Moderate Associations with Depressive Symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 43(8), 1427–1438. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-015-0020-0
Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love as the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. New York: Hemisphere.
Solan, M. (2019, March 28). The secret to happiness? Here’s some advice from the longest-running study on happiness. Harvard Health Blog.
Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.
