Organized religion is a huge part of many peoples’ lives. Studies have shown that those who value religion and spirituality are more likely to report happiness (Lee & Kawachi, 2019). There is often a narrative that those who leave organized religion will be miserable—and evidence even shows that leaving organized religion can negatively impact one’s mental and physical health (Fortenbury 2014). But what isn’t always expressed is why leaving organized religion impacts one’s health. I don’t think individuals necessarily experience pain from leaving the religion itself: I believe most of this pain is from confronting beliefs that they once believed were true, and too often from the pushback or isolation they receive from the people they once worshipped with.
It is not the leaving of organized religion that seems to cause negative effects—it is often the pain of having to reconstruct a belief system and the negative reactions of others that causes the most strain. We can show love and support to those leaving organized religion by practicing good communication, setting healthy boundaries, and respecting their right to choose their own path.
Earlier this year I felt inspired to interview individuals who had left organized religion on my podcast, Looks Like Wandering, to better understand their experience and what they needed most from the people around them. I interviewed people who had left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Reformed Presbyterian Church, and those who are or were in mixed-faith relationships. There is a tone of love and respect through the whole series, which was very important to me.
Episode 5 featured a roundtable discussion about navigating mixed-faith relationships. During the conversation, LeAndra Baker shared about her husband’s journey away from the LDS Church: “I wish you could see how much he absolutely would love to [have kept believing]—and how much easier his life would be if he could have kept believing the way his family wants him to. …Don’t discredit the work he’s put in to try to find a God that makes sense for him.”
She continued by passionately sharing the values that she admires most in her husband: “He works really hard to love people exactly the way they are. It’s funny, I joke that he’s more Christlike now that he’s an atheist than he ever was as an active member of the LDS Church! Through his growth and development and faith walk, he has been able to decide what’s important to him, and loving his people is what’s important to him. He’s able to love them without wanting them to show up in a certain way.” By keeping communication open in relationships, we have an opportunity to recognize and appreciate the incredible attributes that our loved ones possess—attributes that aren’t dependent on a certain faith belief.
Boundaries
In episode 2, Nikki Johnson emphasized the importance of communicating healthy boundaries in relationships—”In order to set boundaries, you have to have a conversation about the boundaries,” she said. You may decide to discuss what topics you do not want to engage in with your loved ones. For example, individuals remaining in organized religion may not feel comfortable hearing about why loved ones chose to leave organized religion, while individuals who left organized religion may not feel comfortable having scriptures, sermons, or other religious materials shared with them. Having this conversation will create a safer space for both individuals to continue to strengthen the relationship together. Healthy Humans Project writer Alyssa Carroll previously shared some tips to setting appropriate boundaries in relationships.
One of the most powerful moments of the podcast came in episode 4, when I asked Maddison Weber what she wishes people knew when she left organized religion, and how she wishes others would have responded differently. She boldly stated, “If you’re looking at someone else’s life and thinking ‘I wouldn’t live my life like that,’ maybe take a step back and ask why you can look at their life and say that. What gives you the privilege to say ‘That’s not right for them’?” This is similar to the LDS doctrine of “agency”—the “ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves.” If we claim to believe in the importance of agency, we should show love to those around us, even if their paths look differently than our own.
On a personal note, my own religious beliefs have changed over the last couple of years in a way that makes it easier for me to accept and show love to those who have chosen different paths. For example, I don’t necessarily believe that the LDS Church is the only true church—a belief we are taught from youth. I think there are many paths to our Higher Power. Also, while I believe in and love so much of the LDS doctrine, I don’t always agree with how it is taught or enacted. Having these more nuanced views helps me to support others in their own journeys, wherever they lead someone. I echo the sentiment shared in episode 3 by Ezekiel Rudick: “If it’s true and God is the kind, loving, gracious being that They are, then you going through this thing is just you discovering holistically for yourself.”
Through healthy communication, setting appropriate boundaries, and supporting others in using their agency, we can help alleviate some of the pain that others feel when they transition away from organized religion. As we do this, we can better emulate our Savior, who preached, “Thou shalt love the Lord why God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39 KJV).
Write out your own beliefs and testimony, exactly as you feel at this moment. Those are yours, and you can feel empowered to claim them as your own. When you feel ready, seek to learn about others’ beliefs, either through conversation, reading, or following those who believe differently than you do on social media. Practice showing respect to their beliefs, even as they differ from your own. You can claim your own beliefs; let them claim theirs. Do this with love and deep respect and reverence for yourself and others.
References
“Agency and Accountability.” Gospel Topics. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/agency-and-accountability?lang=eng
Carroll, A. (2021, July 10). 5 Ways to Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your 20’s. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/5-ways-to-practice-setting-healthy-boundaries-in-your-20s/
Lee, M. A., & Kawachi, I. (2019). The keys to happiness: Associations between personal values regarding core life domains and happiness in South Korea. PloS one, 14(1), e0209821. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0209821
Looks Like Wandering Podcast, Season 2 (2021). https://anchor.fm/looks-like-wandering
Allie Barnes is a writer, speaker, and a leadership & relationship researcher. Her first book, Not According to Plan, shares her journey through depression, betrayal trauma recovery, developing resilience, and finding joy. Allie has an undergraduate degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University and is finishing up a graduate degree in Leadership. You can find her on Instagram @lookslikewandering or at allieabarnes.com.
I sat in a church pew next to my husband. A familiar hymn played in the background, and I heard my husband’s sweet tenor voice join the rest of the congregation. I was overcome with a sense of gratitude that we shared the same faith. We grew up singing the same sacred songs and reading the same sacred scriptures. Sharing the same faith-based practices and background helps us to connect on a deeper level and build a stronger relationship.
When couples engage in faith-based practices together, positive results tend to emerge. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, “Religion generally fosters more happiness, greater stability, and a deeper sense of meaning in American family life, provided that family members – especially spouses – share a common faith” (Wilcox, 2017).
Faith-based practices like praying as a couple and attending church are not only beneficial to one’s personal spirituality, but they may also lead to a stronger foundation with your partner. This stronger foundation can fortify marriage against life’s inevitable storms, providing additional resources to overcome challenges together.
Praying Together
While there are many benefits associated with individual prayer, there are also benefits that come from praying with your partner. According to a studyconducted by the American Psychological Association, partner-focused petitionary prayer is often associated with increased commitment in romantic relationships (Fincham, 2013). Praying together tends to help couples feel bonded on a spiritual level and can help each partner be more dedicated to making the marriage flourish.
Praying with or for your partner is associated with higher levels of selfless love, which leads to a greater willingness to forgive (Lambert et al., 2009). In turn, a greater willingness to forgive can help marital disputes to be resolved more quickly. In a studyconducted by Florida State University, researchers developed a series of three studies examining how prayer and relational trust were correlated (Lambert et al., 2011). The study found that praying with and for a partner was related to higher levels of trust and unity within the relationship. It has also been shown that praying with a partner can lead to decreased likelihood of infidelity and greater levels of relationship satisfaction (Partrick, 2017). Couples who pray together, it seems, are in fact better equipped to stay together.
The same might be said about attending church. Researchconducted by W. Bradford Wilcox examined the role of couples’ church attendance and its effects on overall marital satisfaction (Wilcox, 2017). The results showed that couples are more likely to report higher levels of marital happiness when both partners are attending church compared to couples where neither partner attends church. This trend can be seen across several racial demographics including black, white, and Latino couples.
One of the benefits of attending church together is that it allows couples to engage in a shared spiritual experience. The shared experience of going to church with my husband continuously helps us to strengthen the spiritual aspect of our relationship together. Not only do we engage in religious practice as a couple, we also engage with other members of our religious community. Research suggests that “couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships . . . because they socialize with friends who share their faith and especially because they pray with one another” (Wilcox, 2017). Friends and members of the faith community can also act as a support for the couple when they face challenges in life or in their marriage. This extended support system may increase happiness within marriage and be another positive outcome of attending church together.
While we may value having religious texts within our home, we may not readily recognize the marital benefits of reading religious texts with our spouse. According to the American Families of Faith project, which researched the role that religion played in the lives of individuals, couples, and families, many couples of various religions rely on religious texts as if they were “self-help” books (Marks & Dollahite, 2016). This can be beneficial when we, along with our spouse, seek answers to the challenges we face on a regular basis. We may experience added comfort and assistance, especially when faced with conflicts.
When we experience conflicts within our marriages, we can turn to our faith practices in order to find comfort. According to a studyconcerning spiritual intimacy, “[G]reater spiritual intimacy offers couples a spiritual resource to motivate them to remain kind and resist the urge to ‘go negative’ when they discuss their core conflicts” (Briggs, 2014). The religious aspect of marriages can have tremendous power to provide a broader perspective when conflicts arise, possibly allowing the disagreement to come to a resolution sooner.
Continuing to develop a spiritual foundation has also been shown to increase feelings of calm and hopefulness which may help each partner be more optimistic, altruistic, and forgiving. Participating in shared religiosity provides us with more resources from which we can draw upon (Briggs, 2014). For example, a couple may pause a fight in order to pray together which could have a significant influence on how the argument is resolved and how the couple feels about each other after the issue is solved (Dallas, 2017). Ultimately, a shared religious foundation has the potential to help marriages endure the challenges of life.
Although we can all find areas to improve upon within the spiritual aspects of our lives, it is important to notice the fruits of our religion-focused labors. As we continually build upon a spiritual foundation with our spouses, we can feel a sense of hopefulness as we take a step back and recognize the tremendous blessings that come into our marriages as we engage in faith-based practices.
Choose a faith-based practice to focus on with your partner this week. Make it a priority together.
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R., (2013). I say a little prayer for you: Praying for partner increases commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology,28(5), 587-593.https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034999
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaValee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W., (2011). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Lambert N. M., Fincham F. D., Stillman T. F., Graham S. M., & Beach S. R., (2009). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126-32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797609355634
Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.
I was quite certain it was cancer the moment I received the call. Despite the heartrending news I replied, “Come what may and love it.” Over the next few weeks, I learned how rare my tumor was, including the staggering statistic of a 38% recurrence rate after treatment. In an instant, it felt as if my current life was put on hold, and I was traversing completely unknown territory.
A diagnosis of cancer comes to many, but even those who never get cancer will almost certainly have difficult times in their lives. While challenging moments can be extremely tough, they can also teach us valuable lessons when we keep a positive attitude. My journey through cancer, as arduous as it was, became a meaningful chapter in my life as I learned to work through my grief, serve, maintain gratitude, and strive for hope.
Grief Can Be Helpful
During the ensuing months of treatment, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. There were days I felt calm and ready to conquer anything and other days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. This is a normal part of the grieving process we go through when we have a loss due to a severe challenge.
Take the time you need to understand your feelings of grief. Doing so can allow you to deal with the accompanying emotions from the loss your particular challenge brings. When you are ready, allow yourself to begin looking beyond your personal circumstances so emotional healing can begin and you can move forward. Some losses may take a long time to process, which is okay, but try to keep your mind and heart open to eventual healing (Ennis-O’Connor, 2018).
In the process, seek out those who can be helpful—family, friends, professionals or others who have gone through a similar situation. I learned the importance of seeking out those that can help when I did not feel helped by a well-meaning friend. I shared with her my fear about the ways the surgery would alter my face. Expecting empathy and compassion, I was disappointed when I was met with the response, ‘You shouldn’t worry so much about your appearance.’ Seek out those who will listen and allow you to grieve, which gives room for healing.
Faith Murray, a 17-year-old with chronic recurrent multifocal osteomyelitis, learned this lesson. Faithlives with severe pain most days. She said life can be really hard and it is okay to realize that, but at some point, you have to stop “sitting in the sadness” and look outside yourself so you can experience the emotional healing you’re seeking (Strive to Be, 2020).
Faith stops sitting in sadness by serving others, which not only blesses the lives of those she serves but brings great joy to her own life. Giving anything—time, money, energy or even blood—not only benefits those around us, but can make us happier (Brooks, 2021). Serving others improves not only our emotional health but our physicalhealth as well. In addition to lowering blood pressure, stress, pain and depression, individuals who serve tend to have a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction (Wells Fargo Advisors, n.d.).
Before each radiation treatment, I would change into a hospital gown and wait in the women’s locker room until they were ready for me. Most days brought opportunities to visit with other women. These women and I felt a synergy as we served each other, listening to personal stories, giving each other encouragement, and showing compassion. After daily treatments for six weeks, I was thrilled to be finished with radiation, but I also knew I would miss those sweet, understanding friends I met. Serving and being served can be a unique blessing to continue through grieving.
Attitude of Gratitude
Another way to stop sitting in sadness is to look for the good. Simply said, count your blessings. Gratitude brings healing to our hearts by improving our emotional health. Researchers studied theeffect of gratitude on mental health patients, finding that those who wrote a letter of gratitude each week for three weeks had significantly better long-term mental health than other patients, even if they never sent the letters (Brown & Wong, 2017).
Surprisingly, gratitude can also improve our physical health.Studies show that counting blessings decreases stress, boosts immunity, improves sleep, lowers both blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and improves heart health (UC Davis Health, 2015). Gratitude is powerful!
When we have a grateful outlook on life, we see things we wouldn’t otherwise see, even hidden blessings. During my treatment, radiation was especially hard on my face, part of which was covered with sores and one eye was almost swollen shut. One day, after being reminded by my oncologist to keep my eye constantly moist to prevent permanent damage, I realized the swollen eye was actually protecting my eyeball. There it was, a tremendous blessing disguised as a trial that I wouldn’t have noticed had I not counted my blessings.
Hope Brings Peace
In addition to service and gratitude, hope was the foundation to my positive attitude. I used to think hope was a weak virtue. I would hope that it would not rain, or that something good would come my way, but those wishes are different than the hope that brings power and peace. I have learned over the years that hope is something coming from deep inside, and often requires letting go of what you can’t control. It is seeing reality while at the same time having a positive attitude. For me, hope is trusting that God’s plan is better than my own.
Hope depends not on the events in our lives, but on the focus of our lives, and can still be felt by those who don’t have a positive prognosis. There is hope that you can handle problems that come, hope in relationships, and hope that somehow everything is going to be okay. Hope can overcome fear and despair. I have heard people say that a person who died of cancer “lost the battle.” Dying of cancer isn’t losing—rather, we lose the battle when we give up hope. Hope is not sitting still while wishing your problems away—rather, it is knowing that every day, no matter what comes, there are good things in life: people to love, people to serve, people to inspire (Ashley, 2017).
Powerful Indeed
As illogical as it sounds, I look back on my experience with cancer and feel grateful for the wisdom I gained, and the continued hope I feel, even knowing my cancer may return. I have changed in ways that are good, and there are things I never want to forget. No matter the path life puts us on, when we let ourselves grieve, serve, have gratitude, and hope, we can find joy and happiness in ways we least expect—even in extreme trials.
Choose one of the above steps—grief, service, gratitude, or hope—to focus on and practice this week.
Tawnya Roth lives in Dixon, California where she and her husband have finally put down roots after 25 years moving around the world with the Air Force. She has three adult children and two adorable grandkids, with two more coming in September. She is a student at Brigham Young University, graduating in August 2021 with her Bachelor of General Studies degree with an emphasis in Family Life. Doctors found a cancerous tumor in her tear duct in 2018. Five surgeries, radiation and several miracles have given her a new lease on life.
“Love is the strangest, most illogical thing in the world.” -Jennifer E. Smith
Love is my middle name. No, seriously. I’ve always felt weird admitting that, because it seemed cheesy and somehow presumptuous. But, I’ve gained an appreciation for my name now. It is a reminder of the most important human capacity: to love. A lot has been written about love. It’s all conflicting and cliché, but true. This new year is a chance to bring what we’ve learned from 2020 into the present, and live truer, more beautiful lives. If you have any resolution, let it be love.
Poets and artists have described love in many ways. There is great love, brotherly love, true love, unrequited love, good love, passionate love, platonic love, real love, parental love, etc. A person’s feelings are real and their own. No one else can claim or define them. It’s been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. So, if you feel an emotion other than apathy, perhaps it’s love. Rather than asking ourselves what is love, ask what feels real and true for me? (Doyle, 2020).
Some loves we have no control over; our love is taken from us. Like a pet, high school sweetheart, or new born baby. And others we choose and keep choosing, like a spouse or long time friend. Does love at first sight exist? Maybe. Can you be in love and not know it? Perhaps. Do kindred spirits, soul-mates and bosom friends exist? It’s possible. Understanding love isn’t what matters. What matters is that we don’t let the mystery and uncertainty of our feelings keep us from living and loving.
Don’t Stop It…
I recently read the following from the novel Possession which said, “My Solitude is my Treasure, the best thing I have. I hesitate to go out. If you opened the little gate, I would not hop away – but oh how I sing in my gold cage” (Byatt, 2012). Sometimes we put ourselves in cages, because it feels safer. We keep ourselves from feeling as a way to avoid future disappointment. Brené Brown calls this “foreboding joy” (Brown, 2015). Joy might be the most vulnerable emotion we experience because of the underlying dread that those feelings will end. We were never meant to feel good or safe all of the time. Most of us know this, but we tend to forget when the fear is intense. Stop trying to beat vulnerability to the punch, and be present. It’s okay to be deeply disappointed, just as it is okay to be wildly in love.
Have you ever stayed in a romantic relationship because it “made sense”? Your family loved them. You had a lot in common. Or, you just couldn’t think of a “good enough” reason to part ways. Maybe you’ve maintained friendships based on history, or you felt you’d be a bad person if you allowed yourself to drift apart. Sometimes we force love and relationships because we are too afraid to be alone or worried about what others will think. Don’t allow shame and insecurity to call the shots anymore. Because love makes no sense, it’s important to listen to your gut. Intuition is the best guide through the magical mess of love.
It was William Goldman who said, “Love is many things, none of them logical.” Love lies in the mystical, magical and creative realm. It is not born from or found among the critics or analysts. That’s not to say logic and reason are invalid. In fact, they help us make meaning and can improve our dysfunctional relationships. I mean love itself cannot be measured, replicated, collected, bought, controlled, analyzed or fully understood. Let go and embrace the beautiful ambiguity that is loving.
Let go of fear and doubt. Inhibition just slows us down. Choose to believe that people are naturally good and believe in love. Stop over-thinking and perfecting, and just enjoy your life. Be so intoxicated with living, and in love with who you are. Give that joy to others, and love without condition. Then notice the colors that fill in the cracks as you watch your life transform.
1) When you forebode joy, breathe and remind yourself that you want to live big and claim your life; you will no longer be controlled by scarcity and fear.
2) Say “I love you” more often.
3) Get creative. Paint, write, dance, etc. Express yourself. Do more of what you love.
4) If you have your life all planned out, be flexible and let go of the parts that keep you from enjoying the present.
References
Brown, B. (2015) Rising strong. Random House.
Byatt, A. S. (2012) Possession: A romance. Random House.
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Belichi Ogugua.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.
You are worthy of love.
We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)
Understanding worthiness and spirituality
Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.
References
Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin,44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth,22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Write out your own beliefs and testimony, exactly as you feel at this moment. Those are yours, and you can feel empowered to claim them as your own. When you feel ready, seek to learn about others’ beliefs, either through conversation, reading, or following those who believe differently than you do on social media. Practice showing respect to their beliefs, even as they differ from your own. You can claim your own beliefs; let them claim theirs. Do this with love and deep respect and reverence for yourself and others.
Allie Barnes is a writer, speaker, and a leadership & relationship researcher. Her first book, Not According to Plan, shares her journey through depression, betrayal trauma recovery, developing resilience, and finding joy. Allie has an undergraduate degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University and is finishing up a graduate degree in Leadership. You can find her on Instagram @lookslikewandering or at allieabarnes.com.
Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.
Dray Salcido
